In the future, it is expected that there will be a higher proportion of older people than younger people in many countries.
Is this a positive or negative development?
Due to the development of medication and healthcare systems, people tend to have longer life expectancy than before. As a result, the number of senior citizens is rapidly increasing in this day and age. From my perspective, I opine that this propensity has more cons than pros.
On the positive side, the ageing population plays an integral role in assisting young generations in the family and the whole society. To make it clear, young adults these days are likely to rely on older people in childcare, thereby reducing the amount of stress put on newly wedded couples’ shoulders and allowing them to focus on pursuing their careers.
Even with this, the higher proportion of senior citizens can bring about major drawbacks. To commence with, the first difficulty that governments have to cope with is the heavy burden placed on the economy. Given that the elderly no longer remain their ground as the main workforce of the society, it will lead to the shortage of qualified employees, which may reduce productivity and cause high pressure in recruitment. Generally, this is the culprit behind the stagnation in the economy.
Another point to discuss is that the growing number of older people is parallel to the higher demand for healthcare services, which means that it is a must for governments to allocate a great sum of state funds to improve facilities in the health sector, retirement pensions and other social welfare. The implication of this is the huge pressure put on younger people, which forces them to work harder and strike a balance between work and family in order to pay the tax and take care of their seniors at the same time.
All in all, despite certain benefits of the ageing population, the government cannot underestimate the profound consequences it inflicts. Therefore, official authorities should take action immediately to alleviate its influence in the future.
Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng
Errors and Improvements:
"people tend to have longer life expectancy than before" -> "individuals now experience increased life expectancy"
Explanation: Replacing "people tend to have longer life expectancy than before" with "individuals now experience increased life expectancy" introduces a more formal and precise expression, avoiding the informal tone of "tend to have."
"I opine that this propensity has more cons than pros." -> "I contend that the drawbacks outweigh the advantages."
Explanation: Substituting "I opine that this propensity has more cons than pros" with "I contend that the drawbacks outweigh the advantages" enhances the formality and clarity of the statement, using "contend" instead of "opine" and replacing colloquial terms with more formal alternatives.
"plays an integral role" -> "plays a crucial role"
Explanation: Replacing "plays an integral role" with "plays a crucial role" maintains the meaning while using a more sophisticated term, contributing to a more formal tone.
"make it clear" -> "clarify"
Explanation: Changing "make it clear" to "clarify" streamlines the expression and aligns with academic language norms.
"young adults these days" -> "contemporary young adults"
Explanation: Substituting "young adults these days" with "contemporary young adults" adds formality and precision to the description.
"the higher proportion of senior citizens"
Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7
Band Score: 7.0
Quoted text: "From my perspective, I opine that this propensity has more cons than pros."
- Explanation and Improvement suggestion: The introduction explicitly states your viewpoint, aligning with the prompt. However, to enhance clarity and structure, consider a brief outline of the main arguments you’ll present. For instance, mention the specific positive and negative aspects of the ageing population you’ll discuss. This would offer readers a clear roadmap of your essay.
- Improved example: "From my perspective, while the ageing population has certain advantages, its drawbacks overshadow the positives. In this essay, I’ll explore the positive contributions of older individuals while delving into the substantial challenges they pose to societies, thus providing a comprehensive view of this issue."
Quoted text: "To make it clear, young adults these days are likely to rely on older people in childcare, thereby reducing the amount of stress put on newly wedded couples’ shoulders and allowing them to focus on pursuing their careers."
- Explanation and Improvement suggestion: The point raised about how older generations aid in childcare is pertinent. However, enhancing this argument with a specific example or anecdote would illustrate this idea vividly. For instance, sharing a personal or known experience where older individuals supported young parents would make your argument more convincing and relatable.
- Improved example: "For instance, my aunt, in her retirement, played a pivotal role in nurturing my cousin while both parents focused on their professional careers. This not only eased their stress but also reinforced family bonds, showcasing the tangible support the elderly can offer in childcare."
Quoted text: "Given that the elderly no longer remain their ground as the main workforce of the society, it will lead to the shortage of qualified employees, which may reduce productivity and cause high pressure in recruitment."
- Explanation and Improvement suggestion: The discussion on the impact of an ageing population on the workforce and the economy is insightful. To bolster this argument, consider elaborating on how this shortage affects industries or specific sectors. Providing an example of an industry struggling due to a lack of skilled workers due to retirement could strengthen your point.
- Improved example: "Industries like manufacturing, already grappling with technological advancements and changing skill requirements, face increased pressure due to retiring skilled workers. For instance, the automobile sector in my region experiences difficulties filling engineering roles due to retiring experts, impacting production timelines and innovation."
Overall, your essay establishes a clear perspective and presents relevant arguments. To further enhance, incorporating specific examples or personal experiences would augment the depth and persuasiveness of your arguments. Strengthening these examples will bolster your position and engage the reader more effectively.
Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7
Band Score: 7.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates a logical organization of information and ideas, maintaining clear progression throughout. The introduction provides a concise background, and the body paragraphs present well-developed arguments. The use of cohesive devices is evident, contributing to the overall coherence. There is a mix of simple and complex sentences that enhance the essay’s flow. Additionally, the essay effectively employs paragraphing to structure the content, with a clear central topic within each paragraph.
How to improve: While the essay is well-structured, some cohesive devices could be used more effectively for smoother transitions between sentences and paragraphs. Consider incorporating a wider variety of linking words to enhance coherence further. Additionally, ensure that the referencing and substitution are consistently clear and appropriate throughout the essay. Overall, refining the use of cohesive devices will help elevate the coherence and cohesion to a higher band score.
Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7
Band Score: 7.0
This essay demonstrates a good range of vocabulary, including less common lexical items used with some awareness of style and collocation. The vocabulary is varied and generally apt, aiding in conveying precise meanings. There’s an attempt to utilize a wide range of vocabulary to express ideas, and although some inaccuracies in word choice and collocation occur, they don’t significantly hinder comprehension. The essay employs terminology related to the topic efficiently.
How to improve:
To elevate the Lexical Resource score, aim to integrate a more diverse and nuanced vocabulary, incorporating sophisticated phrases and idiomatic expressions where suitable. Additionally, focus on refining word choice and collocation to minimize occasional inaccuracies, thereby enhancing the overall coherence and sophistication of the language used. Continued exposure to varied vocabulary through reading and practice will be beneficial.
Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7
Band Score: 7.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates a good command of grammar and punctuation, with frequent error-free sentences. The use of complex structures is evident, contributing to a varied sentence formation. There are, however, a few errors scattered throughout the essay, such as in the phrase "people tend to have longer life expectancy than before," where a more precise word choice could enhance clarity. Additionally, there are instances of awkward phrasing, such as "To make it clear, young adults these days are likely to rely on older people in childcare," which could be refined for smoother expression.
How to improve: To enhance grammatical range and accuracy, the author should focus on precision in word choice and strive for more natural phrasing. Attention to detail in sentence construction and avoiding unnecessary repetition will contribute to a smoother flow of ideas. Proofreading for minor errors and refining complex structures can elevate the essay’s overall grammatical quality.
Bài sửa mẫu
Owing to advancements in medicine and healthcare, individuals today are experiencing longer life expectancies, leading to a noticeable rise in the elderly population. In my view, this trend carries more disadvantages than advantages.
On the positive side, the increasing number of seniors plays a crucial role in supporting younger generations within families and society at large. To illustrate, contemporary young adults often turn to older family members for assistance in childcare, alleviating the stress on newlyweds and allowing them to concentrate on their careers.
Despite these positive aspects, a higher proportion of senior citizens can result in significant drawbacks. Firstly, governments grapple with the substantial economic burden caused by the reduced presence of the elderly in the workforce. This shortage of skilled workers can hamper productivity, creating challenges in recruitment and contributing to economic stagnation.
Another noteworthy point is the parallel growth in the elderly population and the heightened demand for healthcare services. This necessitates governments to allocate substantial funds for improving health facilities, retirement pensions, and other social welfare programs. The consequence is added pressure on younger individuals, compelling them to navigate the delicate balance between work and family responsibilities to meet tax obligations and care for their elderly relatives simultaneously.
In conclusion, while there are certain advantages to having an aging population, it is essential for authorities to acknowledge and address the profound consequences it brings. Immediate action is warranted to mitigate its impact on the future.