In the modern world, schools are no longer necessary because there is so much information available through the Internet that children can study just as well at home. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
In this day and age, some are convinced that schools or other academic institutions are no longer in demand since students can study at home and have access to well-researched knowledge on the Internet. This essay aims to provide some reasons and examples to explain why I disapprove of this view.
First and foremost, schools are the perfect spot for children to learn in teams, which leads to a good command of collaboration and teamwork. To be specific, staying at home means that students have fewer opportunities to have friends and socialize with them but instead, they usually study alone. Learning in teams is proven to help students share diverse opinions and interact with others to come up with new ideas, which is important in their learning process. When working in teams, they can learn how to raise their voices, to respect others’ views, and to adapt to a particular team. Generally, children can acquire collaboration skills, resulting in high promotion in their future careers.
Secondly, when studying at home, students are likely to be desensitized to external distractions, for example, social platforms and games. To clarify this point, their studying periods may coincide with the time their parents are going to work, thus, they are not under supervision. Because of that, teenagers tend to have short concentration spans together with procrastination to playing games or accessing social media. However, school teachers are supervisors who give students lectures and keep them under control, thus, their attention might not wave in classes. Additionally, classmates can give them the impetus to stay focused on lessons, compared to studying at home, where students do not have friends to push them. Hence, schools can help students concentrate on lessons, which results in better knowledge retention.
In my opinion, I do advocate for studying at home, but only with people who have strong self-discipline and determination because most may be disoriented and need instructors to teach them. A better option would be a combination of school and home, so that children can self-study at home, and go to school to ask questions about the information they do not understand.
To summarize, some believe that schools are not longer useful because children can study at home and search for online-based information. I do not agree with this view and think that students should combine both studying methods to achieve the best results.
Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng
Errors and Improvements:
"In this day and age" -> "In the contemporary era"
Explanation: Replacing the informal expression "In this day and age" with "In the contemporary era" provides a more formal and precise introduction to the topic.
"some are convinced that" -> "some argue that"
Explanation: Changing "some are convinced that" to "some argue that" introduces a more assertive and academically appropriate expression, aligning with the tone of a persuasive essay.
"This essay aims to provide some reasons and examples" -> "This essay aims to present reasons and examples"
Explanation: Simplifying the phrase by replacing "provide some reasons and examples" with "present reasons and examples" maintains clarity while adhering to a more formal and concise style.
"why I disapprove of this view" -> "why I disagree with this perspective"
Explanation: Substituting "disapprove of this view" with "disagree with this perspective" offers a more refined and less emotionally charged expression, aligning with the formal tone expected in academic writing.
"First and foremost" -> "Primarily"
Explanation: Replacing "First and foremost" with "Primarily" enhances the formality of the transition between paragraphs, providing a smoother and more academically appropriate flow.
"To be specific" -> "To elaborate"
Explanation: Changing "To be specific" to "To elaborate" contributes to a more sophisticated and academic transition, guiding the reader into a more detailed explanation.
"staying at home means that" -> "learning at home implies that"
Explanation: Substituting "staying at home means that" with "learning at home implies that" introduces a more formal and precise language choice, avoiding colloquialism.
"but instead" -> "but rather"
Explanation: Replacing "but instead" with "but rather" elevates the formality of the sentence, providing a more polished transition between ideas.
"proven to help" -> "demonstrated to aid"
Explanation: Substituting "proven to help" with "demonstrated to aid" maintains the academic tone by using a more precise and formal expression.
"impetus" -> "motivation"
Explanation: Replacing "impetus" with "motivation" maintains clarity while using a more commonly understood term, suitable for an academic audience.
"In my opinion" -> "I contend"
Explanation: Changing "In my opinion" to "I contend" adds a more assertive and formal tone, aligning with the conventions of academic writing.
"I do advocate for" -> "I advocate"
Explanation: Removing the redundant "do" in "I do advocate for" simplifies the expression without compromising its meaning, resulting in a more concise and formal statement.
Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Task Response: 7
Answer All Parts of the Question: Characteristic of Band 7
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses the main components of the prompt by discussing the benefits of traditional schooling despite the availability of online resources. It acknowledges the argument against the necessity of schools and provides reasons for disagreement.
- How to improve: To enhance this aspect, consider providing a more balanced exploration of the opposing view, demonstrating a nuanced understanding of both perspectives. Include specific examples or counterarguments to further strengthen your response.
Present a Clear Position Throughout: Characteristic of Band 7
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear and consistent stance throughout. The introduction clearly states the disagreement with the idea that schools are no longer necessary, and this position is effectively developed in subsequent paragraphs.
- How to improve: While maintaining clarity, aim to deepen the analysis by providing more detailed examples or illustrations that support your position. This can help in further solidifying your argument.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas: Characteristic of Band 8
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively presents, extends, and supports ideas. It provides relevant reasons and examples to support the argument, demonstrating a good level of development and coherence.
- How to improve: To reach a Band 8 level, consider incorporating more sophisticated vocabulary and varied sentence structures. Additionally, ensure that each supporting point is fully elaborated for a more comprehensive and nuanced discussion.
Stay on Topic: Characteristic of Band 7
- Detailed explanation: The essay remains relevant to the essay prompt, discussing the advantages of traditional schooling in response to the assertion that schools are no longer necessary.
- How to improve: To enhance relevance, ensure that every point made directly connects to the prompt. Avoid tangential discussions and focus on providing depth to the arguments related to the necessity of schools in the modern world.
Overall Feedback and Suggestions for Improvement:
Balanced Exploration: While the essay effectively argues against the idea that schools are unnecessary, consider dedicating a paragraph to acknowledging potential merits of the opposing view. This demonstrates a more nuanced understanding and strengthens the overall argument.
Deepened Analysis: Work on providing more in-depth analysis and elaboration for each supporting point. This can be achieved by incorporating additional examples, statistics, or real-world scenarios to enhance the persuasiveness of your argument.
Language Sophistication: Aim for a higher level of vocabulary and sentence complexity to elevate the overall language proficiency. This can contribute to a more polished and sophisticated essay.
Conclusion Enhancement: In the conclusion, summarize the main points concisely and reiterate the central argument. Consider offering a forward-looking statement that emphasizes the importance of a balanced approach to education.
By addressing these points, you can further improve the overall quality of your essay and potentially achieve a higher band score in the Task Response criteria.
Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7
Organize Information Logically: Characteristic of Band 7
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. Ideas are logically presented, allowing for a smooth progression of thoughts. For instance, it starts by introducing the topic, proceeds with arguments supporting the importance of schools, and concludes with a balanced viewpoint.
- How to improve: While the essay demonstrates good organization, enhancing coherence further can be achieved by refining transitions between paragraphs. Clearer linking sentences could strengthen the flow between ideas, creating a more seamless progression.
Use Paragraphs: Characteristic of Band 7
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively utilizes paragraphs, each focusing on a distinct idea. The ideas within paragraphs are logically sequenced, contributing to the overall coherence of the essay. Each paragraph maintains a clear central theme and relevant supporting details.
- How to improve: Consider varying the length and depth of the paragraphs for more dynamic engagement. This variation can emphasize key points or provide more nuanced explanations, thereby enriching the essay’s structure and depth.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices: Characteristic of Band 7
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs cohesive devices like transitions ("First and foremost," "Secondly," "To summarize") and pronouns ("this," "that") to connect ideas. These devices contribute to the overall coherence, aiding the reader in following the essay’s argument.
- How to improve: To enhance cohesion further, aim for a more varied and precise use of cohesive devices. Introduce a wider array of linking words and phrases to reinforce the connections between sentences and ideas. Ensuring the accuracy and appropriateness of these devices will strengthen the essay’s overall cohesion.
Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong coherence and cohesion level, which justifies the assigned Band 7 score. To improve further, focus on refining transitions between paragraphs, diversifying the length and depth of paragraphs, and expanding the repertoire of cohesive devices for a more polished and sophisticated essay structure.
Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6
Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary: Characteristic of Band 7
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable vocabulary with a range that allows for flexibility and precision. Phrases such as "well-researched knowledge," "command of collaboration," and "acquire collaboration skills" showcase a sophisticated use of language. However, there is room for improvement as certain ideas could be expressed with even more varied vocabulary.
- How to improve: Consider incorporating more advanced synonyms and expressions. For instance, instead of frequently using the word "students," explore alternatives like "pupils," "learners," or "scholars" to add variety. Additionally, introducing domain-specific vocabulary related to education and technology can enhance the lexical diversity.
Use Vocabulary Precisely: Characteristic of Band 6
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally communicates ideas clearly, but there are instances where the vocabulary lacks precision. For example, in the statement, "some are convinced," the term "convinced" could be replaced with a more assertive term such as "argue" or "assert." Similarly, phrases like "perfect spot" and "good command of collaboration" could be refined for more precise expression.
- How to improve: Aim for greater specificity in your word choices. Instead of generic terms, employ words that precisely convey your intended meaning. For example, replace "perfect spot" with "ideal environment" and "good command of collaboration" with "proficiency in teamwork." This will elevate the precision of your language and contribute to a more nuanced argument.
Use Correct Spelling: Characteristic of Band 7
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a high level of spelling accuracy, with only a few minor errors that do not significantly impede clarity. For instance, "no longer in demand" should be "no longer in demand," and "focus on lessons" could be improved to "focus on lessons." Overall, these errors are infrequent and do not detract from the overall quality of the essay.
- How to improve: While your spelling is generally accurate, consider proofreading more carefully to catch minor errors. Additionally, pay attention to details such as consistent verb tenses and article usage, as these contribute to overall language precision.
In conclusion, your essay exhibits a solid command of vocabulary, but there is room for refinement to achieve a higher band score. Focus on incorporating more varied and sophisticated vocabulary, enhancing precision in expression, and maintaining consistent spelling accuracy to elevate the overall lexical resource.
Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7
Use a Wide Range of Structures: Characteristic of Band 7
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable variety of complex sentence structures, contributing to a cohesive and well-structured argument. For instance, there is effective use of complex sentences like, "To be specific, staying at home means that students have fewer opportunities to have friends and socialize with them but instead, they usually study alone." This sentence combines different clauses to convey a nuanced idea.
- How to improve: While the essay exhibits diversity, consider incorporating more compound-complex sentences to further enhance complexity. This could involve integrating multiple ideas within a sentence, adding depth to the argument.
Use Grammar Accurately: Characteristic of Band 8
- Detailed explanation: The essay showcases mostly error-free sentences, with only occasional, minor errors. For example, "their studying periods may coincide with the time their parents are going to work, thus, they are not under supervision" contains a minor grammatical error with the unnecessary comma after "thus." However, these errors do not impede overall comprehension.
- How to improve: To elevate grammatical accuracy, carefully review punctuation use, particularly with coordinating conjunctions like "thus." Additionally, proofread for subject-verb agreement and article usage to ensure flawless grammar.
Use Correct Punctuation: Characteristic of Band 7
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally demonstrates well-controlled punctuation. Noteworthy is the effective use of punctuation in complex sentences, aiding clarity. However, there are instances where overuse or misplacement of commas occurs, as seen in "A better option would be a combination of school and home, so that children can self-study at home, and go to school to ask questions about the information they do not understand."
- How to improve: Pay close attention to the use of commas, ensuring they are employed judiciously. In the mentioned instance, consider separating the compound sentence into two for improved readability. Additionally, revise for comma splices or run-on sentences to refine punctuation skills.
In summary, while the essay demonstrates a strong command of grammatical range and accuracy, minor improvements in sentence structure complexity and punctuation usage could elevate it to an even higher band score.
Bài sửa mẫu
In the contemporary era, there is a contention that traditional schools or educational institutions are no longer essential due to the vast availability of information accessible to students at home via the Internet. This essay aims to present reasons and examples explaining why I disagree with this perspective.
Primarily, schools serve as optimal environments for children to learn collaboratively, fostering valuable skills in teamwork. To elaborate, learning at home implies that students have fewer opportunities to engage socially and work in teams, leading to solitary study habits. Collaborative learning allows students to exchange diverse perspectives, fostering the development of new ideas crucial to their educational journey. Through teamwork, children learn to articulate their thoughts, respect differing viewpoints, and adapt within a group setting. This ability to collaborate effectively can significantly benefit their future careers.
Furthermore, studying at home may expose students to external distractions, such as social media or gaming, leading to decreased focus. For instance, unsupervised study periods could coincide with parents’ work hours, resulting in reduced concentration and increased inclination towards distractions. Conversely, school environments, with their structured classes and teacher supervision, often facilitate better focus and engagement. Classmates also play a pivotal role in motivating peers to concentrate on studies, a support system usually lacking in home-based learning setups. Consequently, schools contribute to maintaining students’ focus, thereby enhancing knowledge retention.
I contend that while studying at home can be beneficial for individuals with strong self-discipline, most students might find themselves disoriented without proper guidance. Instead, a balanced approach combining both home and school learning could be more advantageous. This hybrid model allows students to self-study at home while utilizing school resources and guidance to clarify doubts or delve deeper into complex subjects.
To summarize, while some argue that schools have become obsolete due to the availability of online resources for home-based learning, I advocate for a combination of both methods. I believe that integrating both school and home study approaches would yield the most favorable academic outcomes for students.