In this technological era, personal information is stored on computers by many companies and organisations. Do you think the advantages outweigh the disadvantages? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

In this technological era, personal information is stored on computers by many companies and organisations.
Do you think the advantages outweigh the disadvantages?

Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

In today's technological era, storing personal information by companies and organizations has become common. This issue has both positive and negative effects on users and companies. Although there are notable disadvantages, I firmly believe that the benefits outweigh the disadvantages.
One of the main benefits of storing personal information is the convenience it brings to users. Individuals can easily access and manage their information. Users make it easier to research in the future. For example, I have saved my Gmail account password to Google, which is convenient for me to access, easily find my search history, and ensure that I do not forget my password. This ease of access not only saves time but also improves productivity.
In addition, for companies, the ability to analyze stored data helps improve business processes. Organizations can gain insights into customer behaviors and favorites. From there, they can adjust their products and services to meet consumer needs more effectively. For example, TikTok and Shopee apps always suggest customers log in to their accounts for a better experience because they can understand user concerns things.
However, there are significant drawbacks to consider. For users, the most pressing concerns are security and privacy. The risk of personal information poses a serious threat to individual privacy. I think I have faced this problem because there are organizations that have called me and bothered me.
Furthermore, companies face consequences if customer information is leaked. The risk of personal information can lead to legal consequences, loss of consumer trust, and damage to brand reputation. For example, Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg has been called to court for illegally, because of sharing user data. Organizations must comply with complex data protection regulations, which can complicate their operations.
To sum up, while storing personal information leads to significant risks, its benefits to both users and companies are huge. This problem impacts users and businesses in both good and bad ways. The benefits of storing personal information outweigh the disadvantages.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

1. "In today’s technological era" -> "In the contemporary technological era"
   Explanation: The phrase "In today’s technological era" is somewhat redundant and informal. "In the contemporary technological era" refines the expression, enhancing the formality and precision of the statement.

2. "has become common" -> "has become prevalent"
   Explanation: "Has become common" is somewhat vague and informal. "Has become prevalent" is more precise and academically appropriate, indicating a widespread occurrence.

3. "I firmly believe" -> "it is evident"
   Explanation: "I firmly believe" introduces a personal opinion, which is less suitable for academic writing. "It is evident" presents a more objective, fact-based assertion.

4. "make it easier to research in the future" -> "facilitates future research"
   Explanation: "Make it easier to research in the future" is verbose and informal. "Facilitates future research" is concise and maintains an academic tone.

5. "I have saved my Gmail account password to Google" -> "I have saved my Gmail password to Google"
   Explanation: The phrase "account password" is redundant as "password" already implies it is for an account. Simplifying it removes redundancy and improves clarity.

6. "easily find my search history" -> "easily access my search history"
   Explanation: "Find" is less specific than "access," which is more precise in the context of digital data retrieval.

7. "ensure that I do not forget my password" -> "prevent me from forgetting my password"
   Explanation: "Ensure that I do not forget" is a bit awkward and informal. "Prevent me from forgetting" is more direct and formal.

8. "improves productivity" -> "enhances productivity"
   Explanation: "Improves" is a good choice, but "enhances" is slightly more formal and suitable for academic writing.

9. "the ability to analyze stored data helps improve business processes" -> "the analysis of stored data enhances business processes"
   Explanation: "The ability to analyze" is redundant as "analyze" already implies the ability. "Enhances" is also more precise than "helps" in this context.

10. "From there, they can adjust their products and services to meet consumer needs more effectively" -> "Subsequently, they can refine their products and services to better meet consumer needs"
    Explanation: "From there" is informal and vague. "Subsequently" is more formal and precise, and "refine" is more specific than "adjust."

11. "I think I have faced this problem" -> "I have experienced this issue"
    Explanation: "I think I have faced" is tentative and informal. "I have experienced" is more assertive and suitable for academic writing.

12. "because there are organizations that have called me and bothered me" -> "due to repeated calls from organizations"
    Explanation: The original phrase is informal and lacks specificity. The suggested revision provides a clearer, more formal explanation.

13. "Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg has been called to court for illegally" -> "Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg has been summoned to court for illegal activities"
    Explanation: "Has been called to court for illegally" is grammatically incorrect and informal. "Summoned to court for illegal activities" corrects the grammar and enhances formality.

14. "because of sharing user data" -> "due to the sharing of user data"
    Explanation: "Because of" is less formal and slightly vague. "Due to the sharing of" is more precise and formal.

15. "must comply with complex data protection regulations" -> "must adhere to stringent data protection regulations"
    Explanation: "Must comply with" is correct but "adhere to stringent" adds a level of formality and emphasizes the strict nature of the regulations.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

• Answer All Parts of the Question:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses the prompt by discussing both the advantages and disadvantages of storing personal information. The introduction clearly states the author’s position that the benefits outweigh the drawbacks. The body paragraphs provide relevant examples, such as the convenience of accessing saved passwords and the ability of companies to analyze consumer behavior. However, while the essay mentions both sides, it could benefit from a more in-depth exploration of the disadvantages to balance the discussion.
  • How to improve: To enhance the response, the author should delve deeper into the disadvantages, providing more specific examples or statistics that illustrate the risks associated with data storage. This could involve discussing recent data breaches or privacy scandals in more detail, which would strengthen the argument by showcasing the potential severity of the drawbacks.

• Present a Clear Position Throughout:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position throughout, consistently asserting that the advantages outweigh the disadvantages. The use of phrases like "I firmly believe" and "To sum up" reinforces this stance. However, the transition between discussing advantages and disadvantages could be smoother, as the shift may momentarily confuse readers regarding the author’s primary argument.
  • How to improve: To improve clarity, the author could use clearer transitional phrases when moving between the advantages and disadvantages. For instance, explicitly stating the transition with phrases like "Despite these drawbacks, I maintain that…" would help reinforce the author’s position and guide the reader more effectively through the argument.

• Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents several ideas regarding the benefits of data storage, such as convenience for users and improved business processes for companies. Each point is supported with relevant examples, such as the use of Google for password management and the operational strategies of TikTok and Shopee. However, the development of ideas related to disadvantages is less robust, lacking specific examples or elaboration on the implications of data breaches.
  • How to improve: To enhance the development and support of ideas, the author should aim to provide more detailed examples for both advantages and disadvantages. For instance, discussing a specific case of a data breach and its repercussions could illustrate the risks more vividly. Additionally, expanding on how companies can mitigate these risks would provide a more balanced view.

• Stay on Topic:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, focusing on the advantages and disadvantages of storing personal information. However, there are moments where the discussion could be more focused. For example, the mention of "organizations that have called me and bothered me" is somewhat vague and does not clearly connect to the broader argument about privacy concerns.
  • How to improve: To maintain focus, the author should ensure that all examples and anecdotes directly relate to the main argument. Clarifying the relevance of personal experiences and ensuring they tie back to the central thesis will help keep the essay cohesive. Additionally, avoiding vague statements and instead providing concrete examples will strengthen the overall argument.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a strong understanding of the prompt and presents a clear argument, it could benefit from deeper exploration of the disadvantages, smoother transitions, and more detailed examples to fully support its claims.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

• Organize Information Logically:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear structure, with an introduction, body paragraphs discussing advantages and disadvantages, and a conclusion. The main ideas are logically sequenced, with the advantages discussed first, followed by the disadvantages. However, the transition between ideas could be smoother. For instance, the shift from discussing user benefits to company benefits lacks a clear linking statement, which can disrupt the flow of information.
  • How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider using transitional phrases that explicitly connect ideas. For example, after discussing user benefits, a phrase like "Similarly, companies also benefit from…" could help bridge the two sections more effectively. Additionally, ensuring that each paragraph begins with a clear topic sentence can further guide the reader through the argument.

• Use Paragraphs:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively uses paragraphs to separate different ideas, which is essential for clarity. Each paragraph focuses on a specific aspect of the argument, such as user benefits, company benefits, and drawbacks. However, the paragraphs could be more distinct in their focus. For example, the paragraph discussing company benefits also includes a mention of user experience, which could be confusing.
  • How to improve: Strengthen paragraph structure by ensuring each one has a clear main idea that is fully developed before moving on to the next. Consider creating a separate paragraph for user experiences and another for company benefits, ensuring that each paragraph maintains a singular focus. This will help the reader follow the argument more easily.

• Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "In addition," "However," and "To sum up," which help to connect ideas and indicate transitions. However, the range of cohesive devices used is somewhat limited, and some sentences could benefit from additional linking words or phrases to enhance clarity. For instance, the phrase "the risk of personal information poses a serious threat" could be better connected to the previous sentence for improved cohesion.
  • How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, incorporate a wider variety of linking words and phrases. For example, use "Moreover," "On the other hand," and "Consequently" to create more nuanced connections between ideas. Additionally, consider using pronouns or synonyms to refer back to previously mentioned concepts, which can help maintain cohesion throughout the essay.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of coherence and cohesion principles, there are areas for improvement in logical organization, paragraph structure, and the use of cohesive devices. By implementing the suggested strategies, the overall clarity and effectiveness of the argument can be enhanced, potentially leading to a higher band score in this criterion.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

• Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, with terms like "convenience," "analyze," "insights," and "privacy." However, there are instances where the vocabulary used is somewhat repetitive or simplistic, such as the repeated use of "users" and "companies." The phrase "positive and negative effects" is also quite generic and could be enhanced with more varied language.
  • How to improve: To enhance vocabulary range, consider using synonyms or more specific terms. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "users," you could alternate with "individuals," "consumers," or "clients." Additionally, instead of "positive and negative effects," you might say "beneficial and detrimental impacts" to add variety and sophistication to your language.

• Use Vocabulary Precisely:

  • Detailed explanation: There are moments of imprecise vocabulary usage, such as "the risk of personal information poses a serious threat to individual privacy." This phrasing is somewhat awkward and could be clearer. The phrase "understand user concerns things" is also unclear and lacks precision, making it difficult for the reader to grasp the intended meaning.
  • How to improve: Focus on clarity and precision in vocabulary. For example, rephrase the awkward sentence to something like, "The risk of personal information breaches poses a serious threat to individual privacy." Additionally, clarify vague phrases like "user concerns things" by specifying what concerns you are referring to, such as "user concerns regarding data security."

• Use Correct Spelling:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay contains a few spelling errors, such as "organizations" (spelled correctly in most instances but could be checked for consistency) and "Gmail" (which should be capitalized consistently). The phrase "because of sharing user data" is also awkwardly phrased, which may lead to confusion rather than spelling errors, but it reflects a lack of attention to detail in language use.
  • How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, consider using spell-check tools or proofreading your work carefully. Additionally, familiarize yourself with commonly misspelled words and practice writing them in context. Reading more widely can also help reinforce correct spelling and usage.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents clear arguments, enhancing the range and precision of vocabulary, as well as ensuring correct spelling, will help elevate the Lexical Resource score in future writing tasks.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

• Use a Wide Range of Structures:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good variety of sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences. For instance, the use of complex sentences is evident in phrases such as "Although there are notable disadvantages, I firmly believe that the benefits outweigh the disadvantages," which effectively conveys a nuanced argument. However, there are instances of repetitive structures, particularly in the way benefits and drawbacks are introduced. Phrases like "One of the main benefits" and "However, there are significant drawbacks" are formulaic and could be varied further.
  • How to improve: To enhance the variety of sentence structures, the writer could incorporate more varied introductory phrases and transition words. For example, instead of consistently starting with "One of the main benefits," the writer could use alternatives like "A significant advantage is" or "An important benefit to consider is." Additionally, integrating more complex structures, such as conditional sentences (e.g., "If companies prioritize data security, they can build consumer trust"), would further diversify the grammatical range.

• Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains good grammatical accuracy, but there are notable errors that detract from clarity and professionalism. For example, the phrase "Users make it easier to research in the future" is awkwardly constructed and lacks clarity. It seems to imply that users are making research easier, but it is unclear how this relates to the context of storing personal information. Additionally, punctuation errors are present, such as in "because they can understand user concerns things," where the phrase "user concerns things" is unclear and poorly punctuated.
  • How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should focus on refining sentence clarity and coherence. Revising awkward phrases for clarity, such as changing "Users make it easier to research in the future" to "Users can conduct future research more easily," would enhance understanding. Furthermore, careful proofreading for punctuation errors and ensuring that phrases are complete and meaningful will improve the overall quality. The writer should also consider breaking down overly long sentences to avoid confusion and ensure that each idea is clearly articulated.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a solid command of grammatical structures and generally accurate grammar and punctuation, there are areas for improvement in sentence variety and clarity. By diversifying sentence structures and refining grammatical accuracy, the writer can enhance the overall effectiveness of their writing.

Bài sửa mẫu

In the contemporary technological era, the storage of personal information by companies and organizations has become prevalent. This issue presents both positive and negative effects on users and businesses. Although there are notable disadvantages, I firmly believe that the benefits outweigh the drawbacks.

One of the main advantages of storing personal information is the convenience it brings to users. Individuals can easily access and manage their information, which facilitates future research. For example, I have saved my Gmail password to Google, allowing me to easily access my search history and preventing me from forgetting my password. This ease of access not only saves time but also enhances productivity.

Additionally, for companies, the ability to analyze stored data significantly improves business processes. Organizations can gain insights into customer behaviors and preferences. Subsequently, they can refine their products and services to better meet consumer needs. For instance, apps like TikTok and Shopee often prompt customers to log into their accounts for a more tailored experience, as they can understand user preferences more effectively.

However, there are significant drawbacks to consider. For users, the most pressing concerns are security and privacy. The risk of personal information being compromised poses a serious threat to individual privacy. I have experienced this issue due to repeated calls from organizations that have obtained my information without my consent.

Furthermore, companies face serious consequences if customer information is leaked. The risk of personal data breaches can lead to legal repercussions, loss of consumer trust, and damage to brand reputation. For example, Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg has been summoned to court for illegal activities due to the sharing of user data. Organizations must adhere to stringent data protection regulations, which can complicate their operations.

To sum up, while storing personal information presents significant risks, its benefits to both users and companies are substantial. This issue impacts users and businesses in both positive and negative ways. Ultimately, I believe that the advantages of storing personal information outweigh the disadvantages.