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In today’s world, people spend a lot of money on appearance because they want to look younger. Why does this happen? Do you think this is a positive or negative development?

In today’s world, people spend a lot of money on appearance because they want to look younger. Why does this happen? Do you think this is a positive or negative development?

Recently, individuals spend a huge amount of money on their outlook due to their desire to have a better appearance. While I accept that this is beneficial for various people, I strongly believe that these can cause a variety of negative drawbacks on them.
On the one hand, improving beauty is advantageous in several aspects. The most crucial impact is that it is conducive for a person to have more confidence when facing people around. To be more specific, a nice haircut and beautiful skin combined with white teeth will never hamper the confidence of people when they appear. Famous influencers are the typical example for this case, it is clear to see that they always turn up with a unique outfit besides a beautiful makeup look. Behind that, a huge amount of money was spent on plastic surgery, spa and skin care routine. This also explains why they always emerge confidently in front of the populace.
On the flip side, these definitely contain many severe consequences that people could not foresee. In order to have prettier beauty, a diverse group of people want to have deep intervention in their face. The common method which they often resort to is plastic surgery. As a result, people will immediately change their beauty, but along with that is the detrimental effect of the surgery to their physical health. A popular damage is on the spine because of the anesthetic which was led into the body through it. Moreover, in some unfortunate cases, the surgeon made a mistake in the operation. Consequently, it causes serious damage to their health and worse outlook than before. Press coverage has witnessed and publicized various news about these, some leading to the death.
To sum up, it is certainly true that people obtain benefits from changing appearance but they need to consider the risk before deciding to choose it or not.


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Errors and Improvements:

  1. "Recently, individuals spend a huge amount of money on their outlook due to their desire to have a better appearance." -> "Recently, individuals have been investing substantial amounts of money in enhancing their appearance due to their desire for a more refined look."
    Explanation: The revised sentence employs a more formal tone by using "investing" instead of "spending," and "refined" instead of "better." It also eliminates redundancy in the phrase "due to their desire to have a better appearance."

  2. "While I accept that this is beneficial for various people, I strongly believe that these can cause a variety of negative drawbacks on them." -> "While acknowledging the potential benefits for some individuals, I firmly contend that these pursuits can result in a range of adverse consequences for them."
    Explanation: The suggested changes introduce a more sophisticated structure by replacing "I accept" with "acknowledging," and "strongly believe" with "firmly contend." Additionally, "negative drawbacks" is refined to "adverse consequences."

  3. "On the one hand, improving beauty is advantageous in several aspects." -> "On one hand, enhancing one’s physical appearance offers advantages in multiple facets."
    Explanation: The revision streamlines the expression by removing the redundant "improving beauty" and replaces it with "enhancing one’s physical appearance" for clarity.

  4. "To be more specific, a nice haircut and beautiful skin combined with white teeth will never hamper the confidence of people when they appear." -> "More specifically, a well-styled haircut, radiant skin, and pristine teeth contribute positively to individuals’ confidence in their public appearances."
    Explanation: The revised sentence provides a more detailed and precise description by using "well-styled" instead of "nice," and offering a more comprehensive list of attributes.

  5. "Famous influencers are the typical example for this case, it is clear to see that they always turn up with a unique outfit besides a beautiful makeup look." -> "Famous influencers serve as a typical example; it is evident that they consistently present themselves with distinctive outfits complemented by impeccable makeup."
    Explanation: The revision enhances clarity by separating the description of influencers into a distinct sentence and replacing "turn up" with "present themselves."

  6. "Behind that, a huge amount of money was spent on plastic surgery, spa, and skin care routine." -> "Behind this, a substantial financial investment is made in plastic surgery, spa treatments, and skincare regimens."
    Explanation: The revised sentence uses a more formal structure, replacing "huge amount of money was spent" with "substantial financial investment is made."

  7. "On the flip side, these definitely contain many severe consequences that people could not foresee." -> "Conversely, these pursuits undoubtedly entail numerous severe consequences that individuals may not anticipate."
    Explanation: The revision replaces the informal "On the flip side" with "Conversely" and introduces a more formal term, "entail," instead of "contain."

  8. "In order to have prettier beauty, a diverse group of people want to have deep intervention in their face." -> "To achieve a more aesthetically pleasing appearance, a diverse group of individuals seeks extensive facial interventions."
    Explanation: The revised sentence uses a more formal expression, replacing "prettier beauty" with "a more aesthetically pleasing appearance" and "deep intervention in their face" with "extensive facial interventions."

  9. "The common method which they often resort to is plastic surgery." -> "A prevalent method to which they frequently resort is plastic surgery."
    Explanation: The revision simplifies the sentence structure and replaces the informal "common" with "prevalent" for a more formal tone.

  10. "Press coverage has witnessed and publicized various news about these, some leading to the death." -> "Media coverage has reported and disseminated various incidents, some of which have resulted in fatalities."
    Explanation: The revised sentence improves formality by replacing "Press coverage has witnessed and publicized" with "Media coverage has reported and disseminated," and the phrase "leading to the death" is refined to "some of which have resulted in fatalities."

  11. "To sum up, it is certainly true that people obtain benefits from changing appearance but they need to consider the risk before deciding to choose it or not." -> "In conclusion, while it is undeniable that individuals derive benefits from altering their appearance, it is imperative for them to carefully weigh the associated risks before making a decision."
    Explanation: The revision employs a more formal conclusion phrase and replaces the informal "consider the risk" with "carefully weigh the associated risks."

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

  1. Quoted text: "Recently, individuals spend a huge amount of money on their outlook due to their desire to have a better appearance. While I accept that this is beneficial for various people, I strongly believe that these can cause a variety of negative drawbacks on them."

    • Explanation and Improvement Suggestions: Your introduction clearly states your position on the topic, which is positive. However, it would be advantageous to briefly outline the main points you will discuss in the essay. This helps the reader anticipate the structure of your argument. For example, you could mention the positive impacts first before delving into the negative consequences. This will enhance the overall organization of your essay.
    • Improved example: "In today’s world, an increasing number of individuals invest substantially in enhancing their appearance, driven by the desire for a more appealing look. While I acknowledge the positive outcomes for many, this essay will explore both the advantages and the potential negative consequences of this trend."
  2. Quoted text: "On the flip side, these definitely contain many severe consequences that people could not foresee. In order to have prettier beauty, a diverse group of people want to have deep intervention in their face. The common method which they often resort to is plastic surgery."

    • Explanation and Improvement Suggestions: You’ve effectively presented the negative aspect of the argument. However, it would be beneficial to elaborate on the potential consequences with more specific details. Instead of a general statement about "severe consequences," provide examples such as health risks or specific incidents related to plastic surgery. This specificity will add depth to your argument.
    • Improved example: "On the flip side, these enhancements carry substantial risks that individuals might underestimate. For instance, undergoing extensive facial interventions, commonly through plastic surgery, can lead to various health issues. Complications such as nerve damage, infections, or allergic reactions to anesthesia are plausible outcomes that individuals should carefully consider."
  3. Quoted text: "To sum up, it is certainly true that people obtain benefits from changing appearance but they need to consider the risk before deciding to choose it or not."

    • Explanation and Improvement Suggestions: Your conclusion succinctly restates your position. However, you can strengthen it by summarizing the key points discussed in the essay. Remind the reader of the positive aspects you acknowledged and the potential drawbacks you highlighted, leaving a lasting impression.
    • Improved example: "In conclusion, while the pursuit of a more appealing appearance can bring benefits, the associated risks demand careful consideration. This essay has explored the confidence-boosting advantages of aesthetic enhancements, but it has also shed light on the potential health hazards, urging individuals to weigh these factors judiciously before making such choices."

Overall, your essay demonstrates a balanced view, but refining these aspects will elevate your argument and organization.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates a reasonable level of coherence and cohesion. The organization of ideas within paragraphs is generally clear, and there is an attempt to progress logically through the essay. The use of cohesive devices is evident, though there are instances of faulty or mechanical cohesion, particularly within and between sentences. The essay does present a central topic within each paragraph, contributing to overall clarity.

How to Improve:

  1. Sentence-Level Cohesion: Work on improving the cohesion within and between sentences. Ensure that the relationship between ideas is consistently clear.

  2. Paragraph Logic: Strengthen the logical organization of paragraphs. While there is evidence of paragraphing, it is not always done logically. Each paragraph should contribute to the overall progression of ideas.

  3. Varied Cohesive Devices: Use a wider range of cohesive devices appropriately. Avoid under- or over-using them and strive for more natural connections between sentences and ideas.

  4. Elaboration: Provide more detailed examples and elaboration to support arguments. This will not only enhance coherence but also add depth to the content.

  5. Revision for Clarity: Review the essay for any instances of unclear or ambiguous language. Ensure that the ideas flow smoothly, and there is a clear progression throughout the essay.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation:
The essay falls within the Band 7 descriptor as it demonstrates a sufficient range of vocabulary with some flexibility and precision. The writer employs less common lexical items with awareness of style and collocation. While occasional errors in word choice, spelling, and word formation are present, they do not significantly impede communication. The essay effectively conveys the ideas related to the topic and showcases an understanding of the use of vocabulary in context.

How to improve:
To enhance the Lexical Resource score, the writer should focus on further diversifying their vocabulary and refining the precision of word choices. While the essay contains relevant terminology, incorporating more sophisticated and nuanced vocabulary could elevate the lexical range. Additionally, careful proofreading to eliminate occasional errors in word choice, spelling, and word formation would contribute to a smoother and more polished presentation.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a good variety of sentence structures, incorporating complex sentences alongside simpler ones. There’s an evident attempt to use varied vocabulary and structures to convey ideas. Overall, the essay communicates its points effectively, showcasing control over grammar and punctuation, although some errors do occur.

How to improve: While the essay presents a solid range of structures, refining the accuracy of complex sentences and addressing occasional errors can push it towards an even higher score. Focusing on precise word choice and ensuring accuracy in complex structures would strengthen the overall grammatical accuracy.

Bài sửa mẫu

In the contemporary era, a significant portion of individuals invest substantial sums of money in enhancing their appearance, primarily driven by their aspiration for a more youthful look. While acknowledging the potential advantages for certain individuals, I firmly contend that this trend can lead to various adverse consequences.

On one hand, the pursuit of aesthetic improvement yields several merits. The foremost benefit is the boost in self-assurance when interacting with others. Specifically, a well-groomed appearance, including a stylish haircut, radiant skin, and a bright smile, contributes positively to one’s self-esteem. Influential personalities serve as apt illustrations; they consistently present themselves in distinctive attire and flawless makeup, supported by substantial investments in procedures like plastic surgery, spa treatments, and meticulous skincare routines. These investments are evident in their confident public appearances.

Conversely, this inclination towards aesthetic alterations harbors numerous unforeseen drawbacks. To achieve an enhanced appearance, many individuals opt for invasive procedures, with plastic surgery being a common choice. While these interventions can immediately transform one’s appearance, they can also result in detrimental effects on physical health. Anesthesia, commonly used in such surgeries, poses risks to the spinal cord, leading to potential health complications. Furthermore, surgical errors, unfortunately, occur in some instances, resulting in severe health repercussions and often worsening the individual’s initial appearance. Media reports have highlighted various incidents, some tragically resulting in fatalities.

In conclusion, while there are undeniable advantages to modifying one’s appearance, individuals must carefully weigh the associated risks before making such choices. Confidence and self-assurance are important, but the potential hazards arising from cosmetic procedures necessitate prudent consideration before embarking on this path.

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