fbpx

In today’s world, people spend a lot of money on appearance because they want to look younger. Why does this happen? Do you think this is a positive or negative development?

In today's world, people spend a lot of money on appearance because they want to look younger. Why does this happen? Do you think this is a positive or negative development?

Nowadays, many individuals invest more of their funds in things that improve their looks because they do not want to appear old. This is happening mostly due to peer influence. I also think this is a positive trend because it makes people feel good about themselves and can improve their productivity. In addition, this makes people relate better with others.

A major point to consider on why people tend to spend more money on their appearance is the effect of peer influence on individuals. This means that when people see other individuals of their age group looking younger, they are motivated to also undergo procedures done by these ones. For example, most adolescents would use particular facial products, it is introduced to them by friends who appear to look more beautiful from the use of these products.

I think spending more money to look young is a positive development because it improves people's perception of themselves. In other words, when people appear younger than their age, it helps their self-esteem and this can also improve their quality of life. For instance, undergoing cosmetic facial surgery could make someone happier as they appear to look more beautiful and smile more. Furthermore, investing money in things that make people look younger can also improve their productivity. For instance, undergoing a knee-replacement surgery improves the gait of an individual helping them to walk faster and this will improve their mobility at work.

In conclusion, more people are spending money on things that make them appear younger than their age because of peer influence. I believe this is a positive development because it improves the self-esteem and quality of life of people.


Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

Errors and Improvements:

  1. "things that improve their looks" -> "products that enhance their appearance"
    Explanation: The phrase "things that improve their looks" is too informal for academic writing. "Products that enhance their appearance" is a more precise and formal expression.

  2. "because they do not want to appear old" -> "to avoid the signs of aging"
    Explanation: "Because they do not want to appear old" is straightforward but lacks the sophistication expected in academic writing. "To avoid the signs of aging" provides a more nuanced and formal description.

  3. "This is happening mostly due to peer influence." -> "This trend is largely attributed to peer influence."
    Explanation: The original sentence is somewhat informal. The suggested alternative maintains clarity while introducing a more academic tone.

  4. "I also think this is a positive trend" -> "I posit that this constitutes a positive trend."
    Explanation: The phrase "I also think" is colloquial for academic writing. "I posit that" introduces a more formal and assertive expression of the author’s opinion.

  5. "makes people feel good about themselves" -> "enhances individuals’ self-esteem"
    Explanation: "Makes people feel good about themselves" is a bit simplistic. "Enhances individuals’ self-esteem" is more formal and conveys a similar meaning with greater precision.

  6. "makes people relate better with others" -> "facilitates improved interpersonal relationships"
    Explanation: "Makes people relate better with others" is informal. "Facilitates improved interpersonal relationships" is a more formal and precise alternative.

  7. "A major point to consider on why" -> "A significant factor contributing to why"
    Explanation: The original phrase is awkward. The suggested alternative is more grammatically correct and maintains a formal tone.

  8. "procedures done by these ones" -> "procedures undergone by these individuals"
    Explanation: "Procedures done by these ones" is too informal. "Procedures undergone by these individuals" is a more formal and grammatically accurate alternative.

  9. "most adolescents would use particular facial products" -> "a majority of adolescents tend to utilize specific skincare products"
    Explanation: "Most adolescents would use particular facial products" lacks precision. "A majority of adolescents tend to utilize specific skincare products" is more detailed and formal.

  10. "it is introduced to them by friends" -> "introduced to them by their peers"
    Explanation: "It is introduced to them by friends" is somewhat informal. "Introduced to them by their peers" is more formal and specifies the source more accurately.

  11. "spending more money to look young" -> "investing more resources in maintaining a youthful appearance"
    Explanation: "Spending more money to look young" is too simplistic. "Investing more resources in maintaining a youthful appearance" is more formal and encompasses a broader range of efforts.

  12. "because it improves people’s perception of themselves" -> "as it enhances individuals’ self-perception"
    Explanation: "Because it improves people’s perception of themselves" can be refined for a more formal tone. "As it enhances individuals’ self-perception" provides a more precise and academic expression.

  13. "For instance, undergoing cosmetic facial surgery could make someone happier" -> "For example, undergoing cosmetic facial surgery may contribute to an individual’s increased well-being"
    Explanation: The original sentence is somewhat casual. The suggested alternative maintains clarity while adopting a more formal tone.

  14. "Furthermore, investing money in things that make people look younger" -> "Moreover, allocating financial resources to procedures enhancing one’s youthful appearance"
    Explanation: "Furthermore, investing money in things that make people look younger" is too general. "Moreover, allocating financial resources to procedures enhancing one’s youthful appearance" is more specific and formal.

  15. "mobility at work" -> "workplace mobility"
    Explanation: "Mobility at work" is a bit informal. "Workplace mobility" is a more formal and precise alternative.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

  1. Quoted text: "A major point to consider on why people tend to spend more money on their appearance is the effect of peer influence on individuals. This means that when people see other individuals of their age group looking younger, they are motivated to also undergo procedures done by these ones. For example, most adolescents would use particular facial products, it is introduced to them by friends who appear to look more beautiful from the use of these products."

    • Explanation and Improvement Suggestions: The point about peer influence driving spending on appearance is valid, but it lacks depth and examples that could enrich its impact. Consider delving deeper into the psychological aspects of social influence or providing additional instances of how peer pressure directly leads to specific cosmetic choices. Expanding on this with a personal or hypothetical example can significantly bolster your argument’s persuasiveness.
    • Improved example: "Peer influence plays a pivotal role in steering individuals toward investing in appearance enhancements. Beyond just witnessing youthful appearances in their social circle, individuals often succumb to the influence of friends endorsing particular beauty products or cosmetic procedures. For instance, when a friend attests to the transformative effects of a skincare regimen, it creates a ripple effect among peers, compelling many to embrace similar practices in pursuit of a more youthful look."
  2. Quoted text: "In conclusion, more people are spending money on things that make them appear younger than their age because of peer influence. I believe this is a positive development because it improves the self-esteem and quality of life of people."

    • Explanation and Improvement Suggestions: Your conclusion does succinctly reiterate the impact of peer influence on spending and briefly touches upon the positive aspects. However, it lacks a recap of the key arguments presented in the body paragraphs. A more comprehensive conclusion could summarize the main points discussed, reinforcing the argument’s strength and leaving a lasting impression on the reader.
    • Improved example: "To conclude, the pervasive influence of peer-driven beauty standards propels increased spending on youthful appearances. While acknowledging this trend’s positive influence on self-esteem and quality of life, it is crucial to underscore its multidimensional effects, including heightened social interactions, augmented confidence, and heightened productivity resulting from this investment in personal appearance."

Overall, the essay presents a reasonably developed argument, yet it would benefit from deeper exploration and more varied examples to support the ideas presented. Strengthening the examples and ensuring a more comprehensive conclusion would enhance the essay’s coherence and persuasiveness.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation: The essay logically organizes information and ideas with clear progression throughout. It effectively uses a range of cohesive devices, although there is a slight overuse in certain instances. The central topic within each paragraph is presented clearly. Paragraphing is generally used sufficiently and appropriately. However, there are instances where cohesion within sentences may be somewhat mechanical, and some ideas could be connected more smoothly.

How to improve: To enhance coherence and cohesion, focus on refining the use of cohesive devices to ensure a more natural flow of ideas. Pay attention to transitions between sentences to avoid any mechanical or repetitive aspects. While maintaining paragraphing, strive for more seamless connections between sentences to strengthen the overall coherence.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates a sufficient range of vocabulary to allow flexibility and precision. The writer uses less common lexical items with some awareness of style and collocation. There are occasional errors in word choice, spelling, and word formation, but they do not significantly impede communication. The vocabulary used is appropriate for the task, and the writer attempts to convey ideas with some complexity.

How to improve:
To move towards a higher band score, the writer should aim for a more consistent and accurate use of less common vocabulary. Paying closer attention to word choice and collocation can further enhance the lexical resource. Additionally, proofreading for spelling and word formation errors would improve the overall clarity and sophistication of the essay. Expanding the range of vocabulary even further and using it with more precision will contribute to achieving a higher band score.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a variety of sentence structures, including complex ones, contributing to a generally good level of grammatical range. The majority of sentences are error-free, and there is good control of grammar and punctuation. However, there are a few errors present, which prevents it from reaching the Band 8 level. The errors are occasional and do not significantly impact communication.

How to improve: To achieve a higher band score, the writer should pay closer attention to minor errors in grammar and punctuation. While the use of complex structures is commendable, ensuring absolute accuracy in these instances will elevate the essay to a Band 8 level. Regular proofreading can help identify and rectify these occasional errors. Additionally, considering more varied vocabulary and sentence structures can further enhance the essay’s overall quality.

Bài sửa mẫu

Nowadays, many individuals allocate a significant portion of their finances to enhance their appearance with the aim of maintaining a youthful look. This inclination is largely influenced by peers. Personally, I view this as a positive trend due to its potential to boost individuals’ self-esteem and enhance productivity. Additionally, it fosters better interpersonal connections.

A key factor driving the increased expenditure on appearance is the impact of peer influence. When people observe others within their age group appearing younger, it serves as motivation for them to undergo similar procedures. For instance, adolescents often adopt specific facial products based on recommendations from friends who showcase enhanced beauty through the use of these products.

I believe that investing more in the pursuit of a youthful appearance is positive because it positively influences individuals’ self-perception. In essence, maintaining a youthful appearance contributes to heightened self-esteem, subsequently improving overall quality of life. Consider cosmetic facial surgery, which can instill a sense of happiness as individuals perceive themselves as more beautiful and tend to smile more. Furthermore, financial investments in procedures aimed at preserving a youthful look can lead to improved productivity. For instance, opting for knee-replacement surgery can enhance an individual’s walking ability, facilitating increased mobility in the workplace.

In conclusion, the growing trend of spending money on endeavors to appear younger is driven by peer influence. I consider this a positive development as it not only enhances self-esteem but also contributes to an improved quality of life for individuals.

Bài viết liên quan

Learner

  • 10 bài chấm/ ngày

  • Tốc độ trả bài chậm

  • Có thể không truy cập được ở giờ cao điểm

Plus

199K

119K/th

  • Không giới hạn bài chấm

  • Tốc độ trả bài nhanh hơn

  • Truy cập 24/7

  • Hoàn tiền 30 ngày

    Bạn được đảm bảo trong 30 ngày đầu tiên được phép hoàn tiền bất kỳ lúc nào với bất kỳ lý do nào.

Best for Teacher

Premium

249K

149K/th

  • Gói Plus

  • Hỗ trợ kĩ thuật

  • Xuất file Word/Google Docs kèm comments: Link Demo

    - Bài chấm sẽ dc xuất kèm comments gợi ý vocab
    - File Word có thể dc up lên Google Docs và các comments sẽ dc giữ nguyên
    - Các comments có thể dc chỉnh sửa theo ý muốn của gv
    - File Word cá nhân hóa & White label

  • Hoàn tiền 30 ngày

    Bạn được đảm bảo trong 30 ngày đầu tiên được phép hoàn tiền bất kỳ lúc nào với bất kỳ lý do nào.

VIP

499K

299K/th

Learner

  • 10 bài chấm/ ngày

  • Tốc độ trả bài chậm

  • Có thể không truy cập được ở giờ cao điểm

Plus

199K

159K/th

  • Không giới hạn bài chấm

  • Tốc độ trả bài nhanh hơn

  • Truy cập 24/7

  • Hoàn tiền 30 ngày

    Bạn được đảm bảo trong 30 ngày đầu tiên được phép hoàn tiền bất kỳ lúc nào với bất kỳ lý do nào.

Best for Teacher

Premium

249K

199K/th

  • Gói Plus

  • Hỗ trợ kĩ thuật

  • Xuất file Word/Google Docs kèm comments: Link Demo

    - Bài chấm sẽ dc xuất kèm comments gợi ý vocab
    - File Word có thể dc up lên Google Docs và các comments sẽ dc giữ nguyên
    - Các comments có thể dc chỉnh sửa theo ý muốn của gv
    - File Word cá nhân hóa & White label

  • Hoàn tiền 30 ngày

    Bạn được đảm bảo trong 30 ngày đầu tiên được phép hoàn tiền bất kỳ lúc nào với bất kỳ lý do nào.

VIP

499K

399K/th

Learner

  • 10 bài chấm/ ngày

  • Tốc độ trả bài chậm

  • Có thể không truy cập được ở giờ cao điểm

Plus

199K/th

  • Không giới hạn bài chấm

  • Tốc độ trả bài nhanh hơn

  • Truy cập 24/7

Best for Teacher

Premium

249K/th

  • Gói Plus

  • Hỗ trợ kĩ thuật

  • Xuất file Word/Google Docs kèm comments: Link Demo

    - Bài chấm sẽ dc xuất kèm comments gợi ý vocab
    - File Word có thể dc up lên Google Docs và các comments sẽ dc giữ nguyên
    - Các comments có thể dc chỉnh sửa theo ý muốn của gv
    - File Word cá nhân hóa & White label

VIP

499K/th

  • Everthing in Premium

  • Hand Writing Image Recognition

  • Better Accuracy with GPT-4

  • Early Access to New features

    - Speaking Feedback

  • Customization

    We help with minor customizations to get it working just right.

  • Support Development of New Features

    • Speaking Practice
    • Classroom Management (e.g., Google Class Room)
    • Reading Practice
    • Listening Practice