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International travel has become more affordable and many countries are opening their doors to increase the number of tourists. What are the advantages and disadvantages of this?

International travel has become more affordable and many countries are opening their doors to increase the number of tourists. What are the advantages and disadvantages of this?

Inexpensive foreign trips have seen an exponential growth in recent years. Whilst this trend contains several admittedly benefits, I contend that they are overshadowed by the drawback.
On the one hand, the development of cheap travel has brought some advantages, which firstly can be shown in the national economic growth. It is commonly proved that the travel profession could create more job opportunities from service to transportation. This may lead to the huge reduction in the unemployment rates. A great profit is made by the increasing number of travelers, which in turn contributes to economic development throughout taxes. Besides, letting numerous travelers pay at a cheaper price is a great way to advertise the country’s image. With the explosion of information technology, this campaign will be widespread swiftly by various review videos from the later tourists, and thus easily attract more newcomers afterwards.
On the other hand, the advantages of cheap travel pale in comparison with its drawbacks. Cheap travel, if uncontrolled, results in some environmental degradation and unprecede accidents. There are more and more individuals who pose a threat to the environment by exploiting excessively natural surroundings for travel purposes. Moreover, when a large proportion of newcomers go to a travel spot may be a big matter. Take Itaewon street as an example, as many tourists come and focus on one corner of street, without any police supervision, leading to the deaths of many people and becoming one of the worst accidents in Korean history.
In conclusion, while cheap travel offers some merits, I hold the opinion that the downsides are more prominent. To mitigate these problems, the government should enact laws and regulations regarding any environmental destruction behaviors, to ensure the natural resources and cultural values.


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Errors and Improvements:

  1. "Inexpensive foreign trips" -> "Affordable international travel"
    Explanation: Replacing "inexpensive foreign trips" with "affordable international travel" enhances the formality of the expression while maintaining clarity. The term "inexpensive" is more colloquial, and "international travel" is a more precise alternative.

  2. "Whilst" -> "While"
    Explanation: "Whilst" is slightly archaic and less common in formal writing. "While" is a more standard and modern alternative, aligning with academic style.

  3. "admittedly benefits" -> "undeniable benefits"
    Explanation: The phrase "admittedly benefits" is informal. "Undeniable benefits" is a more formal and assertive expression, fitting for academic discourse.

  4. "Firstly" -> "First and foremost"
    Explanation: "Firstly" is considered less formal. "First and foremost" adds a touch of formality and sophistication to the transition.

  5. "It is commonly proved that" -> "It is widely acknowledged that"
    Explanation: "It is commonly proved that" is awkward. "It is widely acknowledged that" is a more appropriate and formal phrase for stating a well-established fact.

  6. "huge reduction" -> "significant decrease"
    Explanation: "Huge reduction" is somewhat informal. "Significant decrease" is a more formal and precise term, maintaining the academic tone.

  7. "A great profit is made by the increasing number of travelers" -> "The increasing number of travelers generates substantial revenue"
    Explanation: "A great profit is made" is less formal. "Generates substantial revenue" is a more formal and specific way to convey the idea.

  8. "With the explosion of information technology" -> "With the rapid advancement of information technology"
    Explanation: "Explosion" may sound too informal. "Rapid advancement" is a more formal and precise term for describing the growth of information technology.

  9. "advertise the country’s image" -> "promote the country’s image"
    Explanation: "Advertise" is more commonly associated with commercial activities. "Promote" is a more suitable term for enhancing the country’s image in a formal context.

  10. "from the later tourists" -> "by subsequent tourists"
    Explanation: "From the later tourists" is awkward. "By subsequent tourists" is a more grammatically correct and formal expression.

  11. "and thus easily attract more newcomers afterwards" -> "and, consequently, attract more newcomers subsequently"
    Explanation: "Thus easily attract" is less formal. "Consequently, attract more newcomers subsequently" provides a more formal and structured expression.

  12. "advantages of cheap travel pale in comparison with its drawbacks" -> "benefits of affordable travel are outweighed by its drawbacks"
    Explanation: Restructuring the sentence provides a more formal and precise expression.

  13. "if uncontrolled" -> "when unregulated"
    Explanation: "If uncontrolled" may sound speculative. "When unregulated" is a more formal and direct way to express the condition.

  14. "results in some environmental degradation" -> "leads to environmental degradation"
    Explanation: "Results in some environmental degradation" is somewhat informal. "Leads to environmental degradation" is a more direct and formal way to convey the impact.

  15. "unprecede accidents" -> "unprecedented accidents"
    Explanation: "Unprecede accidents" is incorrect. "Unprecedented accidents" is the correct term, emphasizing the unusual and unexpected nature of the accidents.

  16. "pose a threat to the environment" -> "threaten the environment"
    Explanation: "Pose a threat to" is less concise. "Threaten the environment" is a more direct and formal expression.

  17. "exploiting excessively natural surroundings" -> "excessively exploiting natural environments"
    Explanation: Reversing the order of words provides a more formal and grammatically correct expression.

  18. "a big matter" -> "a significant issue"
    Explanation: "A big matter" is informal. "A significant issue" is a more formal and precise term.

  19. "Take Itaewon street as an example" -> "For example, consider Itaewon street"
    Explanation: "Take Itaewon street as an example" is slightly informal. "For example, consider Itaewon street" is a more formal and structured introduction to the example.

  20. "leading to the deaths of many people" -> "resulting in fatalities"
    Explanation: "Leading to the deaths of many people" can be expressed more concisely and formally as "resulting in fatalities."

  21. "becoming one of the worst accidents in Korean history" -> "becoming a major incident in Korean history"
    Explanation: "One of the worst accidents" is somewhat informal. "Becoming a major incident" is a more formal and neutral term for academic writing.

  22. "while cheap travel offers some merits" -> "although cheap travel has its merits"
    Explanation: Restructuring the sentence provides a more formal and nuanced expression.

  23. "I hold the opinion that" -> "I assert that"
    Explanation: "I hold the opinion that" is slightly informal. "I assert that" is a more formal and assertive expression in academic writing.

  24. "To mitigate these problems" -> "To address these issues"
    Explanation: "Mitigate" is formal but may be too technical. "To address these issues" is a more straightforward and commonly used phrase in academic writing.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Task Response: 6

  • Answer All Parts of the Question: Characteristic of Band 6

    • Detailed explanation: The essay addresses the main parts of the question, discussing both advantages and disadvantages of inexpensive foreign trips. However, the coverage is uneven, with more emphasis on the advantages. The format is appropriate, with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
    • How to improve: To enhance the score, ensure a more balanced treatment of both advantages and disadvantages. Provide equal attention to each aspect, supporting your points with relevant details. Additionally, consider refining the organization for a more even distribution of ideas.
  • Present a Clear Position Throughout: Characteristic of Band 7

    • Detailed explanation: The position on the drawbacks of cheap travel is clear and developed. The essay maintains a consistent stance throughout, with a clear preference for the disadvantages.
    • How to improve: While the position is clear, consider providing a stronger development of the advantages to strengthen the overall argument. This will contribute to a more balanced and nuanced presentation of ideas.
  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas: Characteristic of Band 8

    • Detailed explanation: The essay presents relevant ideas that are extended and well-supported. The points about economic growth, job opportunities, and the impact on a country’s image are effectively developed and substantiated.
    • How to improve: Continue the strong practice of presenting and extending ideas. To further enhance, consider providing more specific examples and elaborating on the potential benefits and drawbacks. This will add depth to your argument and showcase a richer understanding of the topic.
  • Stay on Topic: Characteristic of Band 6

    • Detailed explanation: The essay remains relevant to the essay prompt, discussing the advantages and disadvantages of international travel. However, the focus on the disadvantages is more pronounced.
    • How to improve: While addressing the drawbacks is important, strive for a more balanced approach by giving equal attention to both advantages and disadvantages. This will demonstrate a more comprehensive understanding of the topic and align with the requirements of the prompt.

Overall Comments: The essay demonstrates a good understanding of the topic, presenting a clear position and supporting ideas effectively. To improve, focus on providing a more balanced treatment of both advantages and disadvantages, ensuring equal attention and development for a more well-rounded response. Additionally, consider incorporating specific examples to enrich your arguments and enhance the overall quality of the essay.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

  • Organize Information Logically: Characteristic of Band 7

    • Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a generally logical organization with a clear progression of ideas. The introduction introduces the topic, the advantages, and disadvantages are discussed in separate paragraphs, and the conclusion effectively summarizes the main points. For instance, the essay starts by presenting the growth of inexpensive foreign trips, then elaborates on the advantages and disadvantages in separate sections, maintaining a coherent and logical flow.
    • How to improve: To enhance logical organization further, consider providing a smoother transition between paragraphs. Connect ideas more explicitly by using transitional phrases or sentences. For instance, in the transition from advantages to disadvantages, a sentence that guides the reader through the shift in focus would improve the overall flow.
  • Use Paragraphs: Characteristic of Band 7

    • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively employs paragraphs with mostly logical sequencing of ideas. Each paragraph focuses on a specific aspect of the topic, contributing to the overall coherence. However, there are instances where the connection between ideas within a paragraph could be strengthened. For instance, the second paragraph discusses the advantages of cheap travel but could benefit from clearer progression between the points.
    • How to improve: To improve paragraph structure, ensure that each paragraph has a clear topic sentence and that ideas within the paragraph follow a logical order. Additionally, consider using transition words or phrases to guide the reader through the flow of ideas more smoothly.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices: Characteristic of Band 7

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a flexible use of cohesive devices. There is an attempt to link ideas within and between sentences using a variety of cohesive devices, such as pronouns ("they," "this," "which") and conjunctions ("on the one hand," "on the other hand"). While generally effective, there are some inaccuracies and instances where the connection between sentences could be more explicit.
    • How to improve: To enhance the use of cohesive devices, pay attention to the accuracy of pronoun references to avoid ambiguity. Additionally, consider using a wider range of cohesive devices, such as synonyms or parallel structures, to add variety and precision to the connections between ideas.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong grasp of coherence and cohesion, but refinements in transitional elements and paragraph structure could elevate the organization to an even higher level.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 7

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary: Characteristic of Band 7

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a sufficient range of vocabulary, allowing for some flexibility and precision. Examples include "exponential growth," "admittedly benefits," "unemployment rates," "explosion of information technology," and "widespread swiftly." However, there is room for improvement in diversifying vocabulary further to enhance the overall richness of expression.
    • How to improve: To elevate your lexical resource, consider incorporating more sophisticated synonyms and exploring varied lexical fields. For instance, instead of relying on commonly used phrases like "on the one hand" and "on the other hand," experiment with alternatives like "primarily" and "conversely" to add nuance and sophistication.
  • Use Vocabulary Precisely: Characteristic of Band 7

    • Detailed explanation: The essay displays a generally precise use of vocabulary, although there are instances of inappropriate choices that slightly impact precision. For example, the phrase "inexpensive foreign trips" could be refined for greater accuracy, and the term "unprecede accidents" may need clarification. While these instances don’t severely hinder comprehension, careful word selection could enhance precision.
    • How to improve: Aim for greater precision by selecting terms that precisely convey your intended meaning. Instead of "inexpensive foreign trips," consider alternatives like "affordable international travel." Additionally, clarify or choose an alternative for "unprecede accidents" to eliminate ambiguity and improve overall precision.
  • Use Correct Spelling: Characteristic of Band 8

    • Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits occasional spelling errors, but they have a minimal impact on communication. Instances like "unemployment rates" and "widespread swiftly" contain minor spelling issues that do not significantly impede understanding.
    • How to improve: While the errors are not severe, developing a habit of careful proofreading can further improve spelling accuracy. Utilize spell-check tools and allocate dedicated time for revising and correcting spelling errors. Consider seeking feedback from others to identify and rectify any overlooked errors.

In summary, the essay demonstrates a solid lexical resource, but there is room for refinement. Strengthening precision through more careful word choices and enhancing spelling accuracy will contribute to a more polished and nuanced expression of ideas.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures: Characteristic of Band 6

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence structures, but the flexibility is limited. While there is an attempt at variety, the complexity of structures is not consistently maintained. For instance, the essay starts with a compound sentence but tends to rely on simpler structures thereafter. There is an effort to include complex ideas, but the execution lacks finesse.
    • How to improve: To enhance the score, strive for a more consistent and varied use of sentence structures throughout the essay. Experiment with compound and complex sentences to convey ideas in a more nuanced manner. For example, try incorporating relative clauses or using different sentence beginnings to add variety and depth to your writing.
  • Use Grammar Accurately: Characteristic of Band 7

    • Detailed explanation: The essay contains many error-free sentences, showcasing a good command of grammar. However, there are a few errors that, while not severely impeding communication, are noticeable. For instance, the phrase "which firstly can be shown" could be revised to "which can firstly be shown." Additionally, there is a lack of subject-verb agreement in the sentence "when a large proportion of newcomers go to a travel spot may be a big matter."
    • How to improve: To achieve a higher score, pay closer attention to subject-verb agreement and sentence construction. Revise sentences for clarity and grammatical accuracy. Also, consider using more complex sentence structures, as this could contribute to both grammatical accuracy and a wider range of structures.
  • Use Correct Punctuation: Characteristic of Band 7

    • Detailed explanation: Punctuation is generally well-controlled throughout the essay. However, there are instances where the placement of commas can be refined for better readability. For example, in the sentence "There are more and more individuals who pose a threat to the environment by exploiting excessively natural surroundings for travel purposes," consider adding a comma after "excessively" to enhance clarity.
    • How to improve: To refine punctuation skills, pay attention to the use of commas, especially in complex sentences. Ensure that commas are appropriately placed to indicate pauses or separate elements in a series. Reviewing punctuation rules and practicing their application can contribute to further improving this aspect of writing.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a good command of grammar and punctuation, there is room for improvement in the range of sentence structures. Focusing on varied sentence constructions and addressing minor grammatical errors will contribute to an overall enhancement of the essay’s grammatical range and accuracy.

Bài sửa mẫu

Affordable international travel has witnessed a significant surge in recent years. While this trend undeniably brings about certain benefits, it is my assertion that these advantages are overshadowed by notable drawbacks.

First and foremost, the rise of budget-friendly travel has indeed yielded some undeniable advantages. Foremost among these is the positive impact on national economic growth. It is widely acknowledged that the travel industry generates numerous job opportunities, ranging from service to transportation. This, in turn, leads to a substantial decrease in unemployment rates. The increasing number of travelers also results in a significant boost in revenue, contributing to overall economic development through taxes. Additionally, offering travel at more accessible prices serves as an effective means to promote the country’s image. With the rapid advancement of information technology, positive experiences shared by previous tourists in various review videos can swiftly reach a wide audience, attracting more newcomers subsequently.

Despite these merits, the benefits of affordable travel are outweighed by its drawbacks, particularly when unregulated. Uncontrolled cheap travel can lead to environmental degradation and unprecedented accidents. The increasing number of individuals who excessively exploit natural surroundings for travel purposes poses a significant issue, threatening the environment. For example, consider Itaewon street, where the influx of tourists concentrating on one corner of the street, without proper police supervision, resulted in fatalities, becoming a major incident in Korean history.

In conclusion, although cheap travel has its merits, I assert that the downsides are more prominent. To address these issues, it is crucial for governments to enact laws and regulations regarding any environmental destruction behaviors, ensuring the preservation of natural resources and cultural values.

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