Is it more important for school children to learn about their local history than world history. To what extent do you agree?

In today fast-paced world, there is a widespread believe that world history is not as much crucial as nation one. Personally, I hold a neutral stance with this statement for a variety of reasons

To begin with, national history is an indispensable factor in shaping a person. First and foremost, learning national history offers insight into traditional and cultural heritage, in particular, create opportunities for youngsters to acknowledge about historic scenarios, unique stories of hometown, about how the peace they possess today are exchanged by vast majority of soldiers’s sacrifice. Lacking of historical understanding, as a consequence, exerts a serious influence on young generation, they are likely to look down on efforts and achievements, leading to an unexpected fading of gratitude and national identity. Hence, educate history to children not only raising public awareness but also foster a sense of pride about national legacy.

However, worldwide historical knowledge acquisition should not be underestimated by certain reasons. One of the advantages is the approach to a wealth of cultural resources, to be more specific, history explain changes, how events and trends happened, for instance, world-war, migration, technological advancements. As a result, the idea of teaching history of other nation broadens student’s horizon, enabling them to connect with peers worldwide, enrich a sense of global citizenship and promoting cultural diversity. Moreover, history is the lesson from the past. Only by learning and gaining experience from former failures, fallibilities, we would avoid making the same mistakes.

By the way of conclusion, my opinion is that we are currently living in the era where traditional values easily to be taken place by modern one, it is, thus, history should be clearly transmitted beyond nationwide scale in order to balance and maintain a more stable and sustainable future.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"In today fast-paced world" -> "In today’s fast-paced world"
Explanation: Adding the possessive form "today’s" corrects the grammatical error and enhances the formal tone of the sentence.
"there is a widespread believe" -> "there is a widespread belief"
Explanation: Corrects the noun form "believe" to "belief" to match the context and maintain grammatical accuracy.
"world history is not as much crucial as nation one" -> "world history is not as crucial as national history"
Explanation: Replaces "nation one" with "national history" to correct the awkward and unclear phrase, improving clarity and formality.
"Personally, I hold a neutral stance with this statement" -> "Personally, I maintain a neutral stance on this issue"
Explanation: Replaces "with this statement" with "on this issue" to correct the preposition and enhance the formal tone.
"First and foremost" -> "Firstly"
Explanation: "Firstly" is a more formal and concise alternative to "First and foremost" in academic writing.
"in particular, create opportunities for youngsters to acknowledge about historic scenarios" -> "in particular, provides opportunities for young people to learn about historical scenarios"
Explanation: Replaces "create" with "provides" for a more precise verb choice, and "youngsters" with "young people" for a more formal tone.
"about how the peace they possess today are exchanged by vast majority of soldiers’s sacrifice" -> "about how the peace they enjoy today was secured by the sacrifices of the vast majority of soldiers"
Explanation: Corrects grammatical errors and clarifies the meaning by specifying that the peace was secured through sacrifices.
"Lacking of historical understanding" -> "Lack of historical understanding"
Explanation: Corrects the grammatical error from "Lacking of" to "Lack of" for subject-verb agreement.
"they are likely to look down on efforts and achievements" -> "they may undervalue efforts and achievements"
Explanation: Replaces "look down on" with "undervalue" for a more formal and precise expression.
"educate history to children" -> "teach history to children"
Explanation: "Teach" is the correct verb for imparting knowledge, whereas "educate" is more general and less specific.
"raising public awareness" -> "raising public awareness"
Explanation: Removes the unnecessary "to" after "raising" to correct the preposition usage.
"foster a sense of pride about national legacy" -> "foster a sense of national pride"
Explanation: Replaces "about national legacy" with "national pride" for a more direct and formal expression.
"worldwide historical knowledge acquisition" -> "acquisition of worldwide historical knowledge"
Explanation: Reorders the phrase to improve clarity and grammatical structure.
"history explain changes" -> "history explains changes"
Explanation: Corrects the verb tense to match the subject "history."
"how events and trends happened" -> "how events and trends occurred"
Explanation: Replaces "happened" with "occurred" for a more formal and precise verb choice.
"the idea of teaching history of other nation" -> "the concept of teaching the history of other nations"
Explanation: Corrects grammatical errors and pluralizes "nation" to "nations" for consistency and accuracy.
"enabling them to connect with peers worldwide" -> "enabling them to connect with peers globally"
Explanation: Replaces "worldwide" with "globally" for a more formal and precise adverb.
"enrich a sense of global citizenship" -> "enhance a sense of global citizenship"
Explanation: Replaces "enrich" with "enhance" for a more precise verb choice in this context.
"history is the lesson from the past" -> "history serves as a lesson from the past"
Explanation: Replaces "is the lesson" with "serves as a lesson" for a more formal and precise expression.
"By the way of conclusion" -> "In conclusion"
Explanation: Replaces "By the way of conclusion" with "In conclusion" for a more direct and formal transition.
"it is, thus, history should be clearly transmitted beyond nationwide scale" -> "therefore, history should be clearly disseminated beyond a national scale"
Explanation: Replaces "it is, thus" with "therefore" for a more formal transition and corrects "transmitted" to "disseminated" for a more precise verb choice.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Task Response: 7

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay addresses the prompt by discussing both local and world history, which is essential for a balanced response. The author presents a neutral stance, acknowledging the importance of both aspects. However, the essay could benefit from a clearer delineation of the extent to which the author agrees or disagrees with the statement. For instance, the phrase "I hold a neutral stance" could be elaborated upon to clarify whether this means equal importance or a preference for one over the other.
- How to improve: To enhance the response, the author should explicitly state their position regarding the importance of local versus world history. This could involve providing a more definitive argument for why one might be prioritized over the other, supported by specific examples.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a somewhat clear position, but it wavers between supporting local history and acknowledging the significance of world history. Phrases like "my opinion is that we are currently living in the era where traditional values easily to be taken place by modern one" introduce ambiguity. The reader may struggle to understand whether the author ultimately believes local history is more important or if they see them as equally significant.
- How to improve: To maintain a clear position, the author should consistently reinforce their viewpoint throughout the essay. This can be achieved by using topic sentences that clearly state their stance in each paragraph and summarizing their position in the conclusion.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents several ideas related to the importance of local and world history, such as cultural heritage and the lessons learned from past mistakes. However, some points lack depth and specific examples, which weakens the overall argument. For instance, the mention of "world-war, migration, technological advancements" could be expanded with specific examples or case studies that illustrate these points.
- How to improve: To strengthen the presentation and support of ideas, the author should aim to elaborate on each point with concrete examples. This could involve discussing specific historical events or figures that exemplify the importance of both local and world history, thereby providing a more robust argument.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, discussing the relevance of both local and world history. However, there are moments where the focus becomes diluted, particularly in the conclusion, which introduces a somewhat vague notion of "traditional values" without directly tying it back to the main argument about the importance of history.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, the author should ensure that each paragraph directly relates back to the prompt. The conclusion should succinctly summarize the main points made in the essay and reiterate the author’s position clearly, avoiding any new or unrelated ideas.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a good understanding of the topic and presents relevant arguments, there is room for improvement in clarity, depth, and focus. By refining these aspects, the author can enhance their score in the Task Response criteria.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear argument regarding the importance of both national and world history. The introduction effectively outlines the writer’s neutral stance, which sets the stage for the subsequent discussion. However, the organization within paragraphs could be improved. For example, the first body paragraph begins with a strong point about national history but could benefit from clearer topic sentences that directly relate to the main argument. The transition from discussing national history to world history is somewhat abrupt and could be smoothed out to enhance logical flow.
- How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider using clearer topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph that directly reflect the main idea. Additionally, using transitional phrases (e.g., "On the other hand," "Furthermore") can help guide the reader through the argument more smoothly.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay utilizes paragraphs to separate different ideas, which is commendable. However, the structure within paragraphs can be inconsistent. For instance, the first paragraph contains multiple ideas that could be better organized into distinct sentences or sub-points. The conclusion, while summarizing the argument, could also benefit from a clearer restatement of the main points discussed.
- How to improve: Ensure that each paragraph focuses on a single main idea, supported by relevant examples and explanations. Consider breaking down complex sentences into simpler ones to enhance clarity. In the conclusion, succinctly summarize the key arguments made in the essay to reinforce the overall message.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "first and foremost," "however," and "moreover," which help in linking ideas. However, there are instances where the use of cohesive devices is either repetitive or insufficient. For example, the phrase "by the way of conclusion" is somewhat awkward and could be replaced with a more conventional transition.
- How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, consider incorporating a wider range of linking words and phrases (e.g., "in addition," "conversely," "for instance"). This will not only enhance the flow of the essay but also make the connections between ideas clearer. Additionally, ensure that transitions are used appropriately to maintain coherence throughout the essay.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents a balanced view. By focusing on improving logical organization, refining paragraph structure, and diversifying cohesive devices, the writer can enhance the clarity and effectiveness of their argument, potentially leading to a higher band score in Coherence and Cohesion.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, with terms like "indispensable," "heritage," and "cultural diversity" effectively used. However, there are instances of repetitive word choices, such as "history" and "national," which could be diversified. For example, the phrase "national history" appears multiple times without variation, which limits the lexical range.
- How to improve: To enhance vocabulary range, consider using synonyms or related terms. For instance, instead of repeatedly saying "national history," you could use "domestic history," "local heritage," or "national narrative." Additionally, incorporating more varied adjectives and adverbs can enrich the essay’s language.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: There are several instances of imprecise vocabulary usage. For example, the phrase "widespread believe" should be "widespread belief." Additionally, "the peace they possess today are exchanged by vast majority of soldiers’s sacrifice" is awkward and unclear. The phrase "educate history to children" is also incorrect; it should be "teach history to children."
- How to improve: Focus on using vocabulary that accurately conveys your intended meaning. Review phrases for grammatical correctness and clarity. For example, revise "the peace they possess today are exchanged by vast majority of soldiers’s sacrifice" to "the peace they enjoy today is a result of the sacrifices made by a vast majority of soldiers." This not only corrects the grammar but also enhances clarity.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors, such as "believe" (should be "belief"), "nation" (should be "national"), and "soldiers’s" (should be "soldiers’"). These errors detract from the overall professionalism of the writing and can confuse the reader.
- How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, consider implementing a proofreading strategy. After writing the essay, take a break and then review it with fresh eyes. You can also use spell-check tools or write out difficult words multiple times to reinforce correct spelling. Additionally, reading your essay aloud can help you catch errors that you might miss when reading silently.

By addressing these areas of vocabulary range, precision, and spelling, you can work towards achieving a higher band score in the Lexical Resource criteria for IELTS Task 2 essays.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates some variety in sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences. For example, phrases like "learning national history offers insight into traditional and cultural heritage" and "the idea of teaching history of other nation broadens student’s horizon" show an attempt to use more complex structures. However, the overall range is limited, with many sentences following a similar pattern, which can make the writing feel repetitive and less engaging.
- How to improve: To diversify sentence structures, consider incorporating more varied introductory phrases, using different conjunctions, and experimenting with passive voice where appropriate. For instance, instead of starting multiple sentences with "learning" or "history," try beginning with adverbial clauses (e.g., "By understanding national history, students can…") or using relative clauses (e.g., "Students, who learn about their local history, develop…"). This will enhance the flow and complexity of the writing.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical errors and punctuation issues that detract from clarity. For instance, "there is a widespread believe" should be "there is a widespread belief," and "nation one" should be "national history." Additionally, phrases like "the peace they possess today are exchanged by vast majority of soldiers’s sacrifice" contain awkward constructions and incorrect possessive forms ("soldiers’s" should be "soldiers’"). Punctuation errors, such as missing commas, also affect readability, particularly in longer sentences.
- How to improve: To enhance grammatical accuracy, focus on proofreading for common errors, such as subject-verb agreement and correct word forms. Consider revising sentences for clarity and conciseness. For example, the sentence "Lacking of historical understanding, as a consequence, exerts a serious influence on young generation" could be revised to "A lack of historical understanding seriously influences the younger generation." Additionally, practice using punctuation correctly, especially with complex sentences, to ensure that ideas are clearly separated and connected.

By addressing these areas, the essay can achieve a higher band score in Grammatical Range and Accuracy.

Bài sửa mẫu

In today’s fast-paced world, there is a widespread belief that world history is not as crucial as national history. Personally, I maintain a neutral stance on this issue for a variety of reasons.

Firstly, national history is an indispensable factor in shaping an individual’s identity. Learning national history offers insight into traditional and cultural heritage. In particular, it provides opportunities for young people to learn about historical scenarios and the unique stories of their hometowns, including how the peace they enjoy today was secured by the sacrifices of the vast majority of soldiers. A lack of historical understanding can seriously impact the younger generation; they may undervalue efforts and achievements, leading to an unexpected fading of gratitude and national identity. Hence, teaching history to children not only raises public awareness but also fosters a sense of national pride.

However, the acquisition of worldwide historical knowledge should not be underestimated for several reasons. One of the advantages is the access to a wealth of cultural resources. To be more specific, history explains changes and illustrates how events and trends occurred, such as wars, migration, and technological advancements. As a result, the concept of teaching the history of other nations broadens students’ horizons, enabling them to connect with peers globally and enhancing a sense of global citizenship while promoting cultural diversity. Moreover, history serves as a lesson from the past. Only by learning from former failures and fallibilities can we avoid making the same mistakes.

In conclusion, I believe we are currently living in an era where traditional values can easily be overshadowed by modern ones. Therefore, history should be clearly disseminated beyond a national scale in order to balance and maintain a more stable and sustainable future.