It has been suggested that all young adults should be required to undertake a period of unpaid work helping people in the community. Would the drawbacks outweigh the the benefits to the community and the young adults themselves?

The debate over whether or not youths should engage in unpaid works has been ongoing for decades. While being involved in unpaid jobs is believed to just waste time of youths, I still contend that these disadvantages are significantly outweighed its advantages. The following essay will delve into both merits and demerits, and then express my support for this phenomenon.

On one hand, opponents often point to the drawbacks of the irrelevant knowledge and skills that almost all unpaid jobs bring for participants, thus just wasting time of those who engaging in. They often argue that voluntary jobs such as doing community services, collecting trash at sea
or joining the group supporting children in mountainous areas just practice young people some manual and simple tasks, which mostly can not help participants improve any academic knowledge or employment skills, therefore just wasting of time of those engaging in.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

Errors and Improvements:

"youths" -> "young individuals"
Explanation: "Youths" is informal; "young individuals" is a more formal and precise term for referring to people in the context of unpaid work.
"believed to just waste time" -> "considered mere time-wasting activities"
Explanation: "Believed to just waste time" is colloquial and lacks precision. "Considered mere time-wasting activities" is more formal and explicitly conveys the notion that unpaid work is viewed as wasteful.
"I still contend" -> "I maintain"
Explanation: "I still contend" is slightly informal. "I maintain" is a more formal alternative that conveys the same meaning.
"merits and demerits" -> "advantages and disadvantages"
Explanation: "Merits and demerits" is somewhat archaic. "Advantages and disadvantages" is a more contemporary and appropriate term for discussing the positive and negative aspects of unpaid work.
"drawbacks of the irrelevant knowledge and skills" -> "limitations of the irrelevant knowledge and skills"
Explanation: "Drawbacks" is appropriate, but "limitations" is a more sophisticated alternative. Additionally, "irrelevant knowledge and skills" is vague; specifying "irrelevant" is unnecessary.
"just wasting time" -> "merely wasting time"
Explanation: "Just wasting time" is too casual. "Merely wasting time" maintains the meaning while enhancing formality.
"those who engaging in" -> "those who engage in"
Explanation: "Those who engaging in" is grammatically incorrect. "Those who engage in" is the correct form.
"practice young people some manual and simple tasks" -> "involve young people in menial tasks"
Explanation: "Practice young people some manual and simple tasks" is awkward and unidiomatic. "Involve young people in menial tasks" is more natural and concise.
"mostly can not help participants improve" -> "largely fail to assist participants in improving"
Explanation: "Mostly can not help" is too informal. "Largely fail to assist" is a more formal and precise phrasing.
"just wasting of time of those engaging in" -> "simply wasting the time of those involved"
Explanation: "Just wasting of time" is colloquial. "Simply wasting the time" is more formal and grammatically correct.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Task Response: 5 – UNDER WORD

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay addresses both the benefits and drawbacks of young adults undertaking unpaid work in the community. It acknowledges the ongoing debate surrounding the topic and presents arguments for both sides.
- How to improve: To enhance task response, ensure that each point made is directly related to the prompt. In this case, further elaboration on the benefits and drawbacks specific to the community and young adults themselves would strengthen the response.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay takes a clear stance in support of young adults undertaking unpaid work in the community, as indicated by the statement, "I still contend that these disadvantages are significantly outweighed its advantages." However, this position could be articulated more explicitly and consistently throughout the essay.
- How to improve: To maintain clarity and consistency, reinforce the stance in the introduction and conclusion while ensuring that each paragraph directly supports this position with relevant arguments and evidence.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas regarding both the benefits and drawbacks of unpaid work, such as gaining irrelevant skills and wasting time versus contributing to the community. However, these ideas lack depth and are not sufficiently extended or supported with evidence or examples.
- How to improve: To improve idea presentation, extend each point by providing specific examples, statistics, or anecdotes to bolster the argument. Additionally, ensure that each idea is fully developed with clear explanations and logical reasoning.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic by discussing the merits and demerits of young adults undertaking unpaid work in the community. However, there is some deviation from the prompt, particularly in the example provided about collecting trash at sea, which may not directly relate to the community.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, ensure that all examples and arguments directly relate to the prompt. Avoid tangents that may detract from the central theme of the essay, and instead, provide relevant and coherent arguments throughout.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates an understanding of the prompt and presents arguments for both sides of the issue, there is room for improvement in terms of clarity, depth of analysis, and relevance to the topic. By refining these aspects and providing more comprehensive support for the presented ideas, the essay could achieve a higher band score for task response.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay’s organization is clear, with a distinct introduction, body paragraphs discussing both merits and demerits, and a conclusion summarizing the author’s stance. However, the transition between discussing drawbacks and benefits could be smoother to enhance coherence.
- How to improve: To improve logical organization, consider using transitional phrases or sentences to smoothly guide the reader from one point to the next. For example, phrases like "On the other hand" or "Conversely" can signal a shift in perspective, aiding the reader in following the argument’s flow.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs paragraphs effectively, each focusing on a specific aspect of the argument. However, the first body paragraph is quite lengthy, covering both drawbacks and benefits, which might make it less effective in conveying information.
- How to improve: Divide the first body paragraph into two or more paragraphs to enhance readability and clarity. Separate paragraphs could focus exclusively on drawbacks and benefits, respectively, allowing for more in-depth exploration of each aspect.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay utilizes some cohesive devices, such as transitions like "On one hand" and "On the other hand," to signal shifts in the argument. However, there is room for improvement in incorporating a wider variety of cohesive devices, such as pronouns, conjunctions, and adverbs.
- How to improve: Incorporate a broader range of cohesive devices throughout the essay to strengthen connections between ideas and enhance coherence. For example, using pronouns like "these" or "those" to refer back to previously mentioned concepts can help maintain cohesion within and between paragraphs. Additionally, employing conjunctions like "Furthermore" or "Moreover" can signal relationships between ideas and improve the flow of the argument.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid grasp of coherence and cohesion, refining transitions, paragraph structure, and cohesive device usage can further enhance the clarity and effectiveness of the argument.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a fair range of vocabulary, incorporating words and phrases such as "drawbacks," "phenomenon," "merits," "demerits," "opponents," "irrelevant," "academic knowledge," and "employment skills." However, there is room for improvement in diversifying the vocabulary further. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "unpaid jobs" and "young people," the essay could introduce synonyms or related terms to avoid repetition and enhance lexical variety.
- How to improve: To widen the range of vocabulary, the writer can utilize synonyms, idiomatic expressions, and varied word forms. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "unpaid jobs," they could interchange it with "volunteer work," "community service," or "pro bono activities." Similarly, they could replace "young people" with alternatives like "adolescents," "youths," or "juveniles" where appropriate. This practice not only enriches vocabulary but also adds nuance to the writing.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally uses vocabulary with moderate precision, but there are instances of imprecise word choice. For example, the phrase "irrelevant knowledge" could be more precisely replaced with "non-transferable skills" or "inapplicable expertise." Additionally, the phrase "just waste time" might be more accurately expressed as "simply squander time." Enhancing precision in vocabulary usage can elevate the sophistication of the essay.
- How to improve: To improve precision, the writer should carefully consider the context and select words that convey the intended meaning with clarity and specificity. Consulting a thesaurus or academic sources can aid in finding more precise synonyms. Additionally, revising the text to ensure that each word contributes to the exact expression of ideas can enhance the overall effectiveness of the essay.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a satisfactory level of spelling accuracy, with minimal errors observed. However, there are a few instances of misspelled words such as "demerits" spelled as "demerits," and "practicing" spelled as "practice." While these errors do not significantly impede comprehension, improving spelling accuracy can enhance the professionalism and clarity of the writing.
- How to improve: Employing proofreading techniques, such as reading the essay aloud or using spell-check tools, can help identify and correct spelling errors. Additionally, practicing spelling through activities such as word games or vocabulary drills can reinforce accurate spelling habits. Consistent attention to spelling details will contribute to the overall polish of the essay.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 4

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 4

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of sentence structures. The majority of sentences are simple and lack complexity or variety. There are occasional attempts at more complex structures, but they are not consistently applied. For instance, phrases like "While being involved in unpaid jobs is believed to just waste time of youths" and "They often argue that voluntary jobs such as doing community services…" are examples of basic sentence structures that dominate the essay.
- How to improve: To enhance the grammatical range, the writer should aim to vary sentence structures more deliberately. Introduce compound and complex sentences to express ideas with greater clarity and sophistication. For example, integrating subordination and using different sentence types (declarative, interrogative, imperative) would add variety and coherence to the essay.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits significant issues with grammatical accuracy and punctuation. There are numerous instances of subject-verb agreement errors ("youths should engage," "jobs bring," "wasting of time"), incorrect verb tense usage ("has been ongoing," "has been suggested"), and improper punctuation usage (missing commas in complex sentences, incorrect placement of commas).
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, it is crucial to review basic grammar rules, especially concerning verb forms, subject-verb agreement, and tense consistency. Practice identifying and correcting punctuation errors, focusing on comma usage in complex sentences for clarity. Proofreading for these specific errors before submission can significantly enhance the overall clarity and coherence of the essay.

Overall, while the essay addresses the prompt and presents arguments, the effectiveness is hindered by grammatical inaccuracies and a lack of sentence variety. Developing a broader range of sentence structures and improving grammatical accuracy will elevate the quality of the writing, leading to a more cohesive and persuasive presentation of ideas.

Bài sửa mẫu

The ongoing debate regarding whether young individuals should participate in unpaid work has persisted for decades. While some argue that engaging in unpaid jobs merely squanders youths’ time, I maintain that the benefits of such experiences far outweigh their drawbacks. This essay will explore both the advantages and disadvantages before expressing support for this practice.

Critics often highlight the drawbacks of the limited knowledge and skills gained from most unpaid jobs, suggesting that they merely waste the time of those involved. They argue that voluntary roles, such as community service, sea cleanup efforts, or supporting children in remote areas, primarily involve simple manual tasks that do little to enhance academic or employment skills. Consequently, they believe that engaging in such activities is merely a waste of time for young individuals.