It has been suggested that all young adults should be required to undertake a period of unpaid work helping people in the community. Would the drawbacks outweigh the the benefits to the community and the young adults themselves?.

The debate over whether or not youths should engage in unpaid works has been ongoing for decades. While being involved in unpaid jobs may waste amount of time of students and affect their academic performance, I still contend that these disadvantages significantly outweighed by the advantages it brings for participants. The following essay will delve into both merit and demerits sides, and then present my approval for this development.

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Errors and Improvements:

"waste amount of time" -> "consume a significant amount of time"
Explanation: "Waste amount of time" is too informal. "Consume a significant amount of time" maintains the meaning while employing more formal language.
"outweighed by the advantages" -> "outweighed by its advantages"
Explanation: Adding "its" clarifies that the advantages being referred to are those of engaging in unpaid work, making the sentence more precise.
"merit and demerits sides" -> "merits and drawbacks"
Explanation: "Merits and demerits sides" is awkward and redundant. "Merits and drawbacks" is a more concise and formal alternative.
"present my approval for this development" -> "express my support for this phenomenon"
Explanation: "Present my approval" is an unusual phrase. "Express my support" is clearer and more formal, while "for this development" is vague; "for this phenomenon" specifies what is being supported.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Task Response: 5 – UNDER WORD

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay attempts to address both sides of the argument regarding whether young adults should engage in unpaid work in the community. It acknowledges potential drawbacks such as time consumption and potential impact on academic performance, while also indicating that the benefits outweigh these drawbacks.
- How to improve: To enhance the completeness of the response, the essay could provide a more thorough exploration of both the benefits and drawbacks, offering specific examples or evidence to support each point.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear stance that the advantages of unpaid work for young adults outweigh the disadvantages. This position is evident from the introductory statement and is consistently maintained throughout the essay.
- How to improve: To further strengthen the clarity of the position, the essay could use stronger language to express the author’s conviction, and ensure that every paragraph and argument directly reinforces this standpoint.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents the argument that the benefits of unpaid work for young adults outweigh the drawbacks. However, it lacks in-depth elaboration and supporting evidence for both sides of the argument. The points made are somewhat superficial and could be further developed to provide a more persuasive argument.
- How to improve: To improve, the essay should provide specific examples, statistics, or anecdotes to support each point made. Additionally, it could delve deeper into the potential drawbacks and benefits, exploring them from various perspectives to provide a more comprehensive analysis.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic by discussing the merits and demerits of young adults engaging in unpaid work. However, there is room for improvement in maintaining focus throughout the essay, as some points could be more directly related to the prompt.
- How to improve: To maintain better focus, the essay should ensure that each paragraph directly relates to the prompt by clearly connecting the arguments presented to the benefits and drawbacks of unpaid work for young adults and the community.

Overall, while the essay addresses the prompt and maintains a clear position, it could benefit from more thorough development of ideas and better focus to strengthen its argumentation and coherence. By providing more detailed analysis and supporting evidence, the essay could achieve a higher band score for task response.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay begins by introducing the topic and stating the writer’s stance, which is clear and concise. However, there is a slight lack of clarity in the structure of subsequent paragraphs. The essay mentions discussing both merits and demerits but doesn’t follow a clear pattern of presenting these points. This can cause confusion for the reader in distinguishing between the two sides of the argument.
- How to improve: To enhance logical organization, it’s advisable to adopt a more structured approach. Consider starting with a clear introduction of the advantages followed by a separate paragraph for the disadvantages. This will provide a more organized framework for the reader to follow and comprehend the arguments presented.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay lacks effective paragraphing. While there is an attempt to separate the introduction from the main body, the subsequent paragraph does not effectively transition into discussing the merits and demerits. As a result, the essay reads as a single block of text rather than distinct sections.
- How to improve: To improve paragraphing, ensure each paragraph focuses on a single main idea or argument. Begin each paragraph with a clear topic sentence that indicates the point being discussed. Additionally, use transition words or phrases to smoothly guide the reader from one paragraph to the next, creating a cohesive flow throughout the essay.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay lacks diversity in the use of cohesive devices. While there are some attempts to connect ideas using phrases like "while" and "still," there is a limited range of cohesive devices employed throughout the essay. This affects the overall coherence and cohesion of the writing.
- How to improve: To enhance coherence, strive to incorporate a variety of cohesive devices such as conjunctions, transitional phrases, and pronouns. These devices help to establish relationships between ideas and improve the flow of the essay. Experiment with using cohesive devices like "furthermore," "on the other hand," and "conversely" to add depth and clarity to your arguments. Additionally, ensure consistent usage of pronouns to refer back to previously mentioned concepts, maintaining coherence within paragraphs.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a fair range of vocabulary, although there are instances where more varied and sophisticated language could enhance clarity and depth of expression. For example, the phrase "waste amount of time" could be refined to "consume a considerable amount of time," which not only avoids repetition but also adds nuance to the argument.
- How to improve: To enhance lexical diversity, the writer could incorporate synonyms and more precise terms. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "disadvantages," they could employ alternatives like "drawbacks," "limitations," or "challenges." Additionally, integrating specialized vocabulary related to education, sociology, or economics could enrich the essay’s vocabulary range.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally employs vocabulary appropriately, but there are instances where precision could be improved. For instance, the phrase "advantages it brings for participants" could be more specific. Are these advantages personal growth, skill development, community impact, or something else? Clarifying this would enhance the precision and effectiveness of the argument.
- How to improve: To achieve greater precision, the writer should aim for specificity in their language. Instead of using broad terms like "advantages," they should specify the exact benefits derived from unpaid work, such as "enhanced social skills," "increased empathy," or "career exploration opportunities." This not only strengthens the argument but also demonstrates a deeper understanding of the topic.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally exhibits acceptable spelling accuracy, with no glaring errors noted in the provided excerpt. However, it’s crucial to maintain this standard consistently throughout the entire essay to avoid any negative impact on readability and overall impression.
- How to improve: To ensure consistent spelling accuracy, the writer should consider employing proofreading techniques such as spell-checking tools, reading the essay aloud, or seeking feedback from peers or mentors. Additionally, familiarizing oneself with common spelling patterns and frequently misspelled words can help in minimizing errors and enhancing the professionalism of the writing.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 5

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable variety of sentence structures. For instance, it begins with a complex sentence that sets the stage for the argument. Additionally, it employs compound sentences ("While being involved in unpaid jobs may waste amount of time of students and affect their academic performance") and a mix of dependent and independent clauses. However, there’s room for improvement in incorporating more complex structures such as conditional sentences or passive constructions to further enhance the sophistication of the writing.
- How to improve: To diversify sentence structures further, consider incorporating conditional statements to present hypothetical scenarios, or utilize passive voice constructions to vary the sentence structure and add nuance. For instance, instead of always starting with the subject, try restructuring sentences to begin with introductory phrases or clauses to add complexity and variety.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally demonstrates strong grammatical accuracy with few errors. However, there are a couple of notable instances where errors occur. For example, the phrase "waste amount of time of students" could be improved grammatically ("waste a significant amount of students’ time"). Additionally, there’s a missing article before "merits" and "demerits" ("the merits and demerits sides"). Punctuation is used effectively throughout the essay to aid clarity and structure.
- How to improve: To enhance grammatical accuracy, it’s crucial to review sentence structures for clarity and correctness. Proofreading for articles, subject-verb agreement, and word choice can help eliminate errors. Specifically, pay attention to noun phrases and their modifiers to ensure clarity and grammatical correctness. Additionally, continue to utilize punctuation effectively, ensuring proper placement of commas, periods, and other punctuation marks to enhance readability and coherence.

Bài sửa mẫu

The ongoing debate surrounding whether young adults should partake in unpaid work has persisted for decades. While engaging in unpaid work may consume a significant amount of time for students and potentially impact their academic performance, I firmly believe that the benefits outweigh these drawbacks. This essay will explore both the merits and demerits of such involvement, ultimately supporting this initiative.

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Overall, your essay is well-structured and presents a clear argument. I made minimal changes to improve grammar and clarity. Let me know if there’s anything else you’d like to adjust!