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It is a natural process for animal species to become extinct (e.g. Dinosaurs, dodos …) There is no reason why people should try to prevent this from happening. Do you agree or disagree?

It is a natural process for animal species to become extinct (e.g. Dinosaurs, dodos …) There is no reason why people should try to prevent this from happening. Do you agree or disagree?

Animal species’ extinction has always been a remarkable topic due to its controversy. There are some people who believes animal extinction is a natural phenomenon and we should not intervene in this process. I do not agree with this viewpoint since it is not justified in my own subject view and I will now explain why.
First and foremost, human’s activities absolutely take responsibility for animal’s extinction due to their significant impacts on wildlife, which consists of the animal habitat. For instance, timber harvesting and deforestation have led to a shortage of food and lack of natural habitat, which resulted in several species being in state of emergency or even killing some of them such as African Rhinos, a species that was completely extincted because of a horn-collecting trend.
Another point is that the existence of animal is important to the ecosystem. The ecosystem will be unbalanced if there any loss of animal species since all species are depend on each other.
To summarize, human should take action as soon as possible since our activities have grave consequences on our ecosystem.


Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

  1. "believes" -> "believe"
    Explanation: "Believes" is incorrect here; the subject "people" is plural, so it should be "believe" to match the plural subject agreement.

  2. "own subject view" -> "personal perspective"
    Explanation: "Own subject view" is an awkward phrase. "Personal perspective" maintains formality while being clearer and more academically appropriate.

  3. "absolutely take responsibility" -> "bear responsibility"
    Explanation: "Absolutely take responsibility" is a colloquial expression. "Bear responsibility" is a more formal alternative, conveying the same idea more academically.

  4. "animal’s extinction due to their significant impacts on wildlife" -> "animal extinctions due to their significant impacts on wildlife habitats"
    Explanation: The original phrase is slightly convoluted. The revised version clarifies that the impacts affect habitats, not the extinction of a single animal.

  5. "extincted" -> "extinct"
    Explanation: "Extincted" is not the correct form; it should be "extinct" to describe the status of a species that no longer exists.

  6. "a shortage of food and lack of natural habitat" -> "diminished food sources and loss of natural habitat"
    Explanation: The suggested change offers a more precise and formal description, avoiding repetition ("shortage" and "lack") and enhancing the academic tone.

  7. "even killing some of them such as African Rhinos" -> "resulting in fatalities, such as African Rhinos"
    Explanation: The revised phrase offers a more formal and precise expression, avoiding the colloquial "even killing" and presenting the consequence more distinctly.

  8. "completely extincted" -> "completely extinct"
    Explanation: Similar to the earlier point, "extincted" is incorrect; it should be "extinct" to convey the status of a species that no longer exists.

  9. "there any loss of animal species" -> "any loss of animal species"
    Explanation: The addition of "there" is unnecessary and makes the sentence less clear. Removing it improves the sentence’s clarity and flow.

  10. "are depend on each other" -> "depend on each other"
    Explanation: The verb should be in the base form ("depend") after the linking verb "are." Removing "are" improves the sentence’s grammatical structure.

  11. "human should take action" -> "humans should take action"
    Explanation: "Human" should be in the plural form to match the verb "should take."

  12. "grave consequences" -> "serious consequences"
    Explanation: "Grave" might be perceived as overly dramatic in an academic context. "Serious consequences" maintains the severity while being more academically appropriate.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Task Response: 7 – UNDER WORD

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay adequately addresses the prompt by presenting a clear stance on whether people should prevent animal extinction. However, it falls short in fully developing the argument. While it mentions human responsibility and the importance of animal existence, it lacks in-depth analysis and examples. The essay should delve deeper into the reasons for and against intervention, providing a more comprehensive response to all aspects of the prompt.
    • How to improve: To enhance task response, elaborate on the reasons behind the belief that people should or should not prevent animal extinction. Provide specific examples and additional insights to offer a more nuanced perspective on the issue.
  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a consistent position by disagreeing with the idea that people should not prevent animal extinction. The stance is clear, but the essay could benefit from reinforcing this position throughout the body paragraphs. There is a slight shift towards the end with a call for human action, so ensure that every part of the essay reinforces the chosen standpoint.
    • How to improve: Strengthen the coherence of the essay by consistently emphasizing the disagreement with the notion of not preventing animal extinction. Avoid introducing ideas that may weaken the overall clarity of the position.
  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas but lacks depth and thorough development. While it briefly mentions human activities and the impact on wildlife, it does not provide sufficient elaboration or specific examples to fully support the argument. Extension and support of ideas need improvement for a more compelling and convincing essay.
    • How to improve: Expand on each idea by offering more detailed examples, statistics, or real-world instances that demonstrate the negative consequences of human activities on animal species. Strengthen the argument by thoroughly explaining the cause-and-effect relationship.
  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic by discussing the impact of human activities on animal extinction and emphasizing the importance of animal existence in the ecosystem. However, there is a slight deviation towards the end when the focus shifts to the urgency of human action. While related, this aspect should be connected more explicitly to the main theme of preventing animal extinction.
    • How to improve: Maintain a tighter focus on the main theme throughout the essay. If discussing the urgency of human action, explicitly tie it back to the importance of preventing animal extinction, reinforcing the essay’s central argument.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a clear position and addresses the prompt, it requires improvement in depth of analysis, consistency in presenting ideas, and maintaining a focused discussion throughout. Strengthening these aspects will contribute to a more cohesive and convincing response.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates an attempt at organization, starting with an introduction presenting the writer’s stance and two supporting body paragraphs. However, there are notable weaknesses in the logical flow. The introduction lacks clarity and a strong thesis statement. The body paragraphs lack transitions between ideas, resulting in a somewhat disjointed presentation of arguments.
    • How to improve: Strengthen the introduction by clearly stating the viewpoint and the main supporting arguments. Ensure smooth transitions between sentences and paragraphs to create a more coherent flow. Consider a structural outline (Introduction-Body-Conclusion) and employ linking words or phrases to connect ideas more effectively.
  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay comprises three paragraphs, but they are not evenly structured. The introduction is brief and lacks a clear thesis statement. The body paragraphs address separate arguments, yet the second paragraph conflates the impact of human activities on wildlife with the importance of animals in the ecosystem, creating some confusion.
    • How to improve: Develop a more balanced structure with a well-defined introduction that clearly presents the main arguments. Ensure each body paragraph focuses on a distinct point, with topic sentences guiding the reader through each idea. Avoid blending arguments to maintain clarity and coherence.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay lacks sufficient cohesive devices. There are minimal transition words or phrases to link ideas and paragraphs, resulting in a fragmented flow between sentences and arguments. For instance, the transition between the impact of human activities on wildlife and the importance of animals in the ecosystem is abrupt.
    • How to improve: Incorporate a variety of cohesive devices such as conjunctions (e.g., however, therefore), transitional phrases (e.g., for instance, to summarize), and pronouns (e.g., these, those) to better connect ideas and create a smoother progression of arguments. Use them judiciously to enhance coherence without overloading the essay with unnecessary connectors.

Overall, while the essay presents relevant ideas regarding human impact on wildlife and the significance of animals in the ecosystem, improvements in organization, paragraph structure, and cohesive device usage would significantly enhance coherence and cohesion. Strengthening these elements will lead to a more coherent and logically connected essay, potentially raising the band score.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates an attempt to employ a range of vocabulary, but there are instances where the language remains somewhat repetitive and lacks diversity. For example, phrases like "animal species’ extinction," "human’s activities," and "ecosystem" are used repeatedly without variation, impacting the depth and variety of expression.
    • How to improve: To enhance the lexical range, consider utilizing synonyms, varied expressions, and more precise terminology. Instead of consistently using "animal species’ extinction," explore alternative phrases like "the decline of wildlife populations" or "the disappearance of certain fauna." Additionally, integrating synonyms for "human’s activities," such as "human interventions," "anthropogenic influences," or "human-induced impacts," could enrich the vocabulary. Aim for a broader selection of words and phrases to convey ideas more vividly and diversely.
  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay occasionally struggles with precision in vocabulary usage. While it communicates the message, there are imprecise phrases that hinder the clarity of expression. For instance, using "in state of emergency" instead of the more accurate "endangered" or "at risk" diminishes the precision. Additionally, the phrase "completely extincted" lacks precision; the word "extinct" itself implies completeness, making "completely extincted" redundant.
    • How to improve: Focus on selecting words or phrases that precisely convey intended meanings. Instead of "in state of emergency," opt for terms like "endangered," "threatened," or "vulnerable" to precisely describe the species’ status. Avoid redundant expressions like "completely extincted" and use "extinct" alone to maintain precision. Engaging with a wider array of vocabulary and paying attention to the specific meanings of words will enhance precision in expression.
  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay showcases a reasonable level of spelling accuracy. However, there are some notable errors present. For instance, "extincted" is not a standard term; the correct form is "extinct." Moreover, there are minor grammatical errors ("extincted" instead of "extinct," "even killing" could be revised to "even leading to the killing"), but spelling accuracy remains reasonably sound.
    • How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, consider employing proofreading techniques, utilizing spelling and grammar check tools, and revising written work systematically. Additionally, expanding your reading habits can expose you to a wider range of vocabulary and correct spelling, aiding in improving overall spelling accuracy.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates an attempt at varied vocabulary and adequate spelling, enhancing lexical variety, precision, and consistent spelling accuracy will further elevate the quality of expression and communication in future writing tasks.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay predominantly employs basic sentence structures, with limited variation. There’s consistent use of simple sentences, which impacts the overall variety and sophistication of the writing. There’s an attempt to introduce some complexity through sentence connectors ("First and foremost," "Another point is that"), but these are not consistently utilized to create a diverse range of structures.
    • How to improve: To enhance the variety of structures, consider incorporating compound and complex sentences. Use subordinate clauses, relative clauses, and different sentence types (declarative, interrogative, conditional) to add depth and complexity. For instance, instead of relying solely on simple sentences, experiment with constructions like: "While some argue that animal extinction is natural, it’s crucial to acknowledge human activities’ significant role in this process."
  • Use Grammar Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate level of grammatical accuracy. However, there are several instances of grammatical errors throughout the essay that affect comprehension. For example, "there are some people who believes" should be corrected to "there are some people who believe." Additionally, "extincted" should be corrected to "become extinct," and "our activities have grave consequences on our ecosystem" would be more accurate as "our activities have had grave consequences on our ecosystem."
    • How to improve: Review grammar rules related to subject-verb agreement, verb tenses, and word usage. Focus on singular/plural agreement, verb conjugation, and sentence structure. Practicing sentence formation and proofreading written work can help in identifying and rectifying such errors.
  • Use Correct Punctuation:

    • Detailed explanation: Punctuation is generally adequate, but there are notable errors. Commas are frequently used incorrectly or omitted where needed, affecting sentence clarity. For instance, there should be a comma after "human’s activities" to separate the introductory phrase. Also, "existented" is a misspelling and should be corrected to "existed."
    • How to improve: Pay close attention to comma usage, especially regarding introductory phrases and clauses. Practice using commas to set off non-essential information within sentences. Additionally, proofreading for spelling errors is crucial to ensure accuracy.

Improving the essay’s grammatical range, accuracy, and punctuation would significantly enhance its overall clarity and coherence. Practicing a wider variety of sentence structures, revisiting grammar rules, and refining punctuation skills through consistent practice and revision would greatly benefit future writing endeavors.

Bài sửa mẫu

The extinction of animal species has always been a noteworthy topic, given its controversy. Some individuals believe that animal extinction is a natural phenomenon, asserting that we should not intervene in this process. I, however, disagree with this perspective, as it is not justified in my own viewpoint, and I will now explain why.

First and foremost, human activities undeniably bear responsibility for the extinction of animals due to their significant impacts on wildlife habitats. For instance, timber harvesting and deforestation have led to a shortage of food and the loss of natural habitat, resulting in several species being in a state of emergency or even facing fatalities, such as the African Rhinos, a species that became completely extinct due to a trend of collecting their horns.

Another crucial point is that the existence of animals is vital to the ecosystem. The ecosystem would become unbalanced if there were any loss of animal species, as all species depend on each other.

In conclusion, humans should take action as soon as possible since our activities have serious consequences on our ecosystem. It is imperative that we recognize and address the impact of our actions on the natural world to ensure the well-being of all species.

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