It is more important for children to learn about national history than world history. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?

It is more important for children to learn about national history than world history.
To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?

One school of thought holds that more emphasis should be put on national history in the early years of schooling rather than on global history. I personally agree with this thinking.
Perhaps the foremost reason for placing more importance on national history lies in the sense of identity and belonging that local history classes provide the young generation with. Through delving into significant events and cultural traditions that shaped their country, pupils can build a strong bond between themselves and their roots. This, in turn, can nurture national pride and patriotism, as young learners shall begin to see themselves as part of a larger community. This can be justified by history lessons regarding Vietnam’s foundation. Not only do they educate children about past hardships but they also instill values of home roots in school children. When viewed through the lens of global history whose data may be conflicting or distorted, such lessons may lose their impact, as conflicting perspectives and misinformation could dilute the sense of national pride they are meant to inspire.
It should also be noted that focusing more on the country’s history does not imply sole concentration on this aspect but rather serves as a firm foundation for a better understanding about global events both in the past and at present. Having a grasp of historical contexts of their home country, it is possible for young learners to link what they have learnt with events that occurred internationally. For instance, a child whose country went through an independence war can actually know and sympathize with the struggles of those who had to fight for their own freedom. This shared historical experience, as a result, enables children to view world history from a more informed and compassionate perspective. In this way, the nation’s historical events act as a stepping stone for children to better comprehend global affairs.
To summarize, I am convinced that national history should be given more priority compared to that of the world given its role in promoting national pride as well as better comprehension of international events.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

1. "One school of thought holds that more emphasis should be put on" -> "One perspective suggests that greater emphasis should be placed on"
   Explanation: Replacing "holds that more emphasis should be put on" with "suggests that greater emphasis should be placed on" refines the sentence by using more formal and precise language, enhancing the academic tone.

2. "I personally agree with this thinking." -> "I concur with this perspective."
   Explanation: "Concur" is a more formal synonym for "agree," and "perspective" is a more academic term than "thinking," aligning better with the formal style of academic writing.

3. "Perhaps the foremost reason" -> "The primary reason"
   Explanation: "The primary reason" is more direct and assertive than "perhaps the foremost reason," which can sound tentative and less definitive in academic contexts.

4. "young generation" -> "younger generation"
   Explanation: "Younger generation" is a more precise term that avoids the vagueness of "young generation," which could refer to any age group.

5. "delving into" -> "exploring"
   Explanation: "Exploring" is a more formal and academically appropriate verb than "delving into," which can sound slightly informal and colloquial.

6. "pupils can build a strong bond" -> "pupils can establish a strong connection"
   Explanation: "Establish a strong connection" is a more formal expression than "build a strong bond," which is slightly colloquial and less precise.

7. "as young learners shall begin to see themselves" -> "as young learners will come to perceive themselves"
   Explanation: "Will come to perceive" is more formal and precise than "shall begin to see," which is less commonly used in formal academic writing.

8. "such lessons may lose their impact" -> "such lessons may diminish their impact"
   Explanation: "Diminish" is a more precise term than "lose," which is somewhat vague and informal for academic writing.

9. "conflicting perspectives and misinformation could dilute" -> "conflicting perspectives and misinformation may undermine"
   Explanation: "Undermine" is a more precise term than "dilute," which is less specific and can imply a less severe impact.

10. "focusing more on the country’s history does not imply sole concentration on this aspect" -> "focusing more on the country’s history does not entail exclusive concentration on this aspect"
    Explanation: "Entail" is a more formal synonym for "imply," and "exclusive concentration" is a more precise term than "sole concentration," which is less commonly used in formal writing.

11. "Having a grasp of historical contexts of their home country" -> "Having a comprehensive understanding of the historical contexts of their home country"
    Explanation: "Comprehensive understanding" is more precise and formal than "grasp," which is somewhat informal and vague.

12. "can actually know and sympathize with" -> "can indeed understand and empathize with"
    Explanation: "Indeed" is more formal than "actually," and "empathize" is a more precise term than "sympathize" in academic contexts, where emotional responses are often discussed in a more formal manner.

13. "the nation’s historical events act as a stepping stone" -> "the nation’s historical events serve as a foundation"
    Explanation: "Serve as a foundation" is a more formal and academically appropriate phrase than "act as a stepping stone," which is somewhat colloquial and less precise.

14. "given its role in promoting national pride as well as better comprehension of international events" -> "given its role in fostering national pride and enhancing comprehension of international events"
    Explanation: "Fostering" and "enhancing" are more formal and precise than "promoting" and "better comprehension," respectively, and align better with academic style.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

• Answer All Parts of the Question:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses the prompt by clearly stating a position in favor of prioritizing national history over world history. The writer presents arguments that support this viewpoint, such as the development of national identity and the foundation it provides for understanding global events. However, while the essay acknowledges the importance of world history, it could further explore the implications of this statement, particularly by discussing potential counterarguments or the benefits of a balanced approach to history education.
  • How to improve: To enhance the response, the writer could include a brief discussion of the potential benefits of learning world history alongside national history. This would provide a more nuanced view and demonstrate an understanding of the complexities involved in the debate, ultimately addressing all parts of the question more comprehensively.

• Present a Clear Position Throughout:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position throughout, consistently arguing in favor of prioritizing national history. The introduction clearly states the writer’s agreement with the statement, and this stance is supported by relevant examples throughout the body paragraphs. The conclusion succinctly reiterates the main argument, reinforcing the writer’s position.
  • How to improve: While the position is clear, the writer could strengthen their argument by explicitly acknowledging and refuting opposing viewpoints. This would not only solidify their stance but also demonstrate critical thinking and a deeper engagement with the topic.

• Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents well-developed ideas, particularly in the discussion of how national history fosters a sense of identity and belonging. The examples provided, such as the reference to Vietnam’s foundation, effectively illustrate the points made. However, some ideas could benefit from further elaboration. For instance, the connection between national history and understanding global events is introduced but not fully explored.
  • How to improve: To improve the development of ideas, the writer should aim to provide more detailed examples and explanations. For instance, elaborating on how specific historical events in a child’s nation can relate to broader global themes would enhance the depth of the argument and provide clearer support for the claims made.

• Stay on Topic:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay remains focused on the topic, consistently discussing the importance of national history in relation to world history. The arguments presented are relevant and contribute to the overall thesis. There are no significant deviations from the topic, which is commendable.
  • How to improve: To maintain focus while also enriching the essay, the writer could briefly address potential counterarguments or alternative perspectives. This would not only demonstrate a comprehensive understanding of the topic but also reinforce the writer’s position by contrasting it with other viewpoints.

In summary, the essay is well-structured and presents a strong argument in favor of prioritizing national history. To achieve an even higher band score, the writer should consider incorporating counterarguments, providing more detailed examples, and exploring the relationship between national and world history more thoroughly.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 8

• Organize Information Logically:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear and logical structure, beginning with an introduction that outlines the writer’s stance. The subsequent paragraphs each focus on a specific argument supporting the thesis. For instance, the first body paragraph discusses the importance of national history in fostering identity and belonging, while the second paragraph connects national history to a better understanding of global events. This logical progression helps the reader follow the writer’s line of reasoning effectively.
  • How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider using clearer topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph that explicitly state the main idea. Additionally, integrating transitional phrases between paragraphs could further guide the reader through the argument, ensuring that the connections between ideas are more pronounced.

• Use Paragraphs:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively uses paragraphs to separate distinct ideas, which aids in readability and comprehension. Each paragraph is focused on a single aspect of the argument, making it easy for the reader to identify the main points. For example, the first paragraph focuses on national pride, while the second addresses the relationship between national and global history.
  • How to improve: While the paragraphing is generally effective, consider ensuring that each paragraph contains a clear concluding sentence that summarizes the main point or links to the next idea. This would reinforce the coherence of the essay and help maintain a smooth flow of information.

• Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good use of cohesive devices, such as "this," "in turn," and "for instance," which help to connect ideas within and between sentences. These devices contribute to the overall coherence of the text, allowing the reader to follow the argument without confusion. The use of phrases like "it should also be noted" effectively signals a shift to a related point, enhancing the flow of ideas.
  • How to improve: To diversify the range of cohesive devices, consider incorporating more varied linking words and phrases, such as "furthermore," "moreover," or "in addition," to introduce additional points or examples. Additionally, using synonyms or rephrasing ideas can help avoid repetition and maintain the reader’s interest throughout the essay.

Overall, the essay is well-structured and coherent, demonstrating a strong command of coherence and cohesion. By focusing on enhancing transitions, refining paragraph conclusions, and diversifying cohesive devices, the writer can further elevate the quality of their writing.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 7

• Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good range of vocabulary, with phrases such as "sense of identity and belonging," "nurture national pride and patriotism," and "shared historical experience." These expressions effectively convey complex ideas and contribute to the overall clarity of the argument. However, there are instances where the vocabulary could be more varied. For example, the repeated use of "history" and "national" could be substituted with synonyms or related terms to enhance lexical diversity.
  • How to improve: To improve, the writer could incorporate synonyms for "history" (e.g., "heritage," "chronicle") and "national" (e.g., "domestic," "local") to avoid repetition. Additionally, using more descriptive adjectives or adverbs could enrich the text, such as "significant" events could be replaced with "pivotal" or "crucial" events.

• Use Vocabulary Precisely:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally uses vocabulary appropriately, but there are moments of imprecision. For instance, the phrase "data may be conflicting or distorted" could be more accurately expressed as "narratives may vary or be misrepresented." This change would clarify the intended meaning and enhance the sophistication of the language.
  • How to improve: To improve precision, the writer should focus on selecting words that more accurately reflect the intended meaning. Engaging in vocabulary exercises that emphasize nuances in word meanings can be beneficial. Furthermore, reviewing phrases for clarity and specificity before finalizing the essay can help ensure that the vocabulary used aligns closely with the ideas being expressed.

• Use Correct Spelling:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay displays a high level of spelling accuracy, with no noticeable errors. Words such as "emphasis," "significant," and "understanding" are spelled correctly, contributing to the overall professionalism of the writing.
  • How to improve: While spelling is strong, the writer should continue to practice proofreading their work to catch any potential errors, especially in longer essays. Utilizing tools like spell-checkers or engaging in peer reviews can also help identify any overlooked mistakes. Additionally, focusing on commonly misspelled words in English can further enhance spelling skills.

Overall, the essay reflects a solid understanding of lexical resource criteria, achieving a Band Score of 7. By incorporating a wider range of vocabulary, ensuring precise word choice, and maintaining spelling accuracy, the writer can aim for an even higher score in future essays.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

• Use a Wide Range of Structures:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable variety of sentence structures, including complex sentences and a mix of simple and compound sentences. For example, the opening sentence employs a complex structure with a subordinate clause ("One school of thought holds that more emphasis should be put on national history…"). Additionally, the use of phrases like "This, in turn," and "It should also be noted that" effectively transitions between ideas, showcasing a good command of cohesive devices. However, there are instances where sentence structures could be more varied; for example, some sentences are lengthy and could benefit from being broken down for clarity.
  • How to improve: To diversify sentence structures further, consider incorporating more varied sentence beginnings and lengths. For instance, starting some sentences with adverbial phrases or using inversion could enhance the overall flow. Additionally, practicing the use of conditional sentences or participial phrases could add depth to the writing.

• Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains a high level of grammatical accuracy, with few errors present. However, there are minor issues, such as the phrase "as young learners shall begin to see themselves," where "shall" is somewhat formal and less common in modern usage; "will" would be more appropriate. Punctuation is mostly accurate, but there are a couple of instances where commas could enhance clarity, such as before "but rather serves as a firm foundation" in the second paragraph.
  • How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, focus on the appropriate use of modal verbs and ensure that the chosen verb forms align with contemporary usage. Additionally, reviewing punctuation rules, especially concerning the use of commas in complex sentences, can help clarify meaning and improve readability. Regular practice with grammar exercises and seeking feedback on writing can also aid in identifying and correcting recurring errors.

Overall, the essay is well-structured and presents a clear argument, but attention to the suggestions above could elevate the writing to an even higher level of grammatical range and accuracy.

Bài sửa mẫu

One perspective suggests that greater emphasis should be placed on national history in the early years of schooling rather than on global history. I concur with this perspective.

The primary reason for placing more importance on national history lies in the sense of identity and belonging that local history classes provide the younger generation. Through exploring significant events and cultural traditions that shaped their country, pupils can establish a strong connection between themselves and their roots. This, in turn, can nurture national pride and patriotism, as young learners will come to perceive themselves as part of a larger community. This can be justified by history lessons regarding Vietnam’s foundation. Not only do they educate children about past hardships, but they also instill values of home roots in school children. When viewed through the lens of global history, which may present conflicting data or distorted narratives, such lessons may diminish their impact, as conflicting perspectives and misinformation could undermine the sense of national pride they are meant to inspire.

It should also be noted that focusing more on the country’s history does not entail exclusive concentration on this aspect but rather serves as a firm foundation for a better understanding of global events both in the past and present. Having a comprehensive understanding of the historical contexts of their home country, young learners can indeed understand and empathize with events that occurred internationally. For instance, a child whose country experienced an independence war can actually know and sympathize with the struggles of those who had to fight for their own freedom. This shared historical experience, as a result, enables children to view world history from a more informed and compassionate perspective. In this way, the nation’s historical events serve as a stepping stone for children to better comprehend global affairs.

To summarize, I am convinced that national history should be given more priority compared to that of the world, given its role in fostering national pride and enhancing comprehension of international events.