It is predicted that with the development of technology, people in the 21st century will have much more free time. To what extent has the prediction come true?

It is predicted that with the development of technology, people in the 21st century will have much more free time.
To what extent has the prediction come true?

It is widely argued that the considerable development of technology will provide much more spare time for people in 21st century. I partly agree with this view point due to both advantages and disadvantages of technological devices.
On the one hand, the advancement of technology contributes to saving significantly the amount of working time for people. Firstly, because of the appearance of modern and multifunctional machines, there are fewer basic needs of human labour in economic fields. A compelling example is rice nowadays can be collected by a special machine instead of by hand as it in the past. In addition, numerous means of communication such as smartphones, laptops and tablets were invented to facilitate communication demands of human beings. For instance, by using these devices, people can communicate with others online without meeting face-to-face, and they can also have fun together through online games in the Internet. As a result, technology not only brings much more free time for people but also provides them entertainment.
On the other hand, the development of technology in this modern age can bring an ineffective productivity in works need humans. One of the reason is that there is currently a lack of concentration between people. Beside the function that allow people to look up useful information conveniently, electronic devices also contain a lot of other “interesting” information and apps which can distract people, especially the young. Young people start to rely too much on these devices and easily be influenced by them. This is illustrated by people usually intend to postpone their works to surf the Internet for a while, but in reality, it takes them about half hour for that. This can also lead to the consequence that they have to spend more time than initial to finish their works.
In conclusion, although the benefits and convenience of technology will decline the amount of works for people, I believe that it still have a negative effect on humans and people should not completely depend on it.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

1. "It is widely argued that the considerable development of technology will provide much more spare time for people in 21st century." -> "It is widely argued that the significant technological advancements will provide more leisure time for individuals in the 21st century."
   Explanation: Replacing "considerable development" with "significant technological advancements" refines the phrase to better align with academic style by specifying the type of development and using a more precise term. "Leisure time" is more formal than "spare time," and "individuals" is preferred over "people" for a more formal tone.

2. "I partly agree with this view point" -> "I partially agree with this viewpoint"
   Explanation: "Partially" is the correct adverbial form for "agree," and "viewpoint" should be one word without a space.

3. "the advancement of technology contributes to saving significantly the amount of working time for people" -> "the advancement of technology significantly reduces the amount of working time for individuals"
   Explanation: "Contributes to saving significantly" is awkward and unclear; "significantly reduces" is more direct and clear. "Individuals" is preferred over "people" for a more formal tone.

4. "because of the appearance of modern and multifunctional machines" -> "due to the introduction of modern and multifunctional machines"
   Explanation: "Appearance" is not the correct term here; "introduction" is more accurate in describing the emergence of new technology.

5. "rice nowadays can be collected by a special machine instead of by hand as it in the past" -> "rice can now be harvested by machines rather than by hand, as in the past"
   Explanation: "Collected" is less specific than "harvested" for rice, and "now" is more formal than "nowadays." Also, the phrase "as it in the past" is grammatically incorrect; "as in the past" is the correct form.

6. "numerous means of communication such as smartphones, laptops and tablets" -> "numerous communication devices such as smartphones, laptops, and tablets"
   Explanation: "Means of communication" is redundant; "communication devices" is more concise and precise.

7. "they can also have fun together through online games in the Internet" -> "they can also engage in online gaming"
   Explanation: "Have fun together through online games in the Internet" is informal and awkward; "engage in online gaming" is more succinct and formal.

8. "technology in this modern age can bring an ineffective productivity in works need humans" -> "technology in this modern age can lead to decreased productivity in tasks that require human involvement"
   Explanation: "Ineffective productivity" is incorrect; "decreased productivity" is the correct term. Also, "works need humans" is awkward and unclear; "tasks that require human involvement" is more precise.

9. "Beside the function that allow people to look up useful information conveniently" -> "besides the function that allows people to conveniently access useful information"
   Explanation: "Beside" should be "besides" for grammatical correctness, and "allow" should be "allows" for subject-verb agreement.

10. "electronic devices also contain a lot of other “interesting” information and apps which can distract people" -> "electronic devices also contain numerous other engaging and distracting information and apps"
    Explanation: "Interesting" is too vague and informal; "engaging and distracting" provides a clearer description. Removing the quotation marks around "interesting" also improves formality.

11. "Young people start to rely too much on these devices and easily be influenced by them" -> "Young people increasingly rely excessively on these devices and are easily influenced by them"
    Explanation: "Start to rely too much" is informal; "increasingly rely excessively" is more formal and precise. "Are easily influenced" is grammatically correct compared to "easily be influenced."

12. "people usually intend to postpone their works to surf the Internet for a while" -> "people often intend to delay their tasks to browse the Internet for a while"
    Explanation: "Works" is incorrect; "tasks" is the correct term. "Surf the Internet" is informal; "browse the Internet" is more formal.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Task Response: 6

• Answer All Parts of the Question:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay attempts to address the prompt by discussing both the advantages and disadvantages of technological development on free time. It acknowledges that technology saves time and provides entertainment but also argues that it can reduce productivity due to distractions.
  • How to improve: To improve, ensure all parts of the prompt are thoroughly addressed. The essay could strengthen its analysis by providing more specific examples of how technology has both increased and decreased free time. Additionally, a clearer stance on whether the prediction has largely come true would enhance coherence.

• Present a Clear Position Throughout:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a somewhat clear position by stating partial agreement with the idea that technology provides more free time while also highlighting its drawbacks. However, the position could be more explicit and consistent throughout the essay.
  • How to improve: To maintain a clear position, clearly state whether the prediction about technology and free time has been mostly accurate based on the arguments presented. Ensure each paragraph reinforces this stance without ambiguity.

• Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

  • Detailed explanation: Ideas are presented and supported to some extent. The essay discusses how technology saves time (e.g., automation in agriculture, communication devices) and elaborates on the negative impact (e.g., distractions reducing productivity).
  • How to improve: Strengthen the essay by providing more detailed examples and evidence to support each argument. Develop each idea further to demonstrate a deeper understanding and analysis of the topic.

• Stay on Topic:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic by discussing the impact of technology on free time. However, there are moments where the focus on distractions caused by technology slightly diverts from the main point.
  • How to improve: To stay more focused, ensure that every example and argument directly relates to the impact of technology on free time. Avoid tangents that do not contribute directly to answering the prompt.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a reasonable understanding of the prompt but could benefit from clearer organization, stronger examples, and a more consistent stance throughout. By addressing these areas, the essay could achieve a higher band score by enhancing coherence, depth of analysis, and relevance to the topic.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

• Organize Information Logically:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a generally clear organizational structure. It begins with an introduction that presents the writer’s stance on the prompt. The body paragraphs are structured to present arguments for both sides of the issue: the advantages and disadvantages of technological development on free time. Each paragraph focuses on a different aspect (e.g., time-saving benefits, productivity issues), providing examples to support the arguments.
  • How to improve: To further enhance logical organization, ensure that each paragraph maintains a clear focus on its main idea. Consider using linking words more effectively to connect ideas within and between paragraphs. For example, employing transition phrases such as "Furthermore" or "On the contrary" can help readers follow the progression of thought more smoothly.

• Use Paragraphs:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs to organize different aspects of the argument. Each paragraph generally starts with a clear topic sentence that previews the main idea of that paragraph. However, there are instances where paragraphs could be more effectively structured to improve coherence. For instance, the second body paragraph could benefit from clearer subdivision into smaller points to avoid potential confusion between the lack of concentration and the distractions of technology.
  • How to improve: To enhance paragraphing, ensure that each paragraph discusses only one main idea or aspect of the argument. For example, in the second body paragraph, consider breaking down the discussion of distractions caused by technology into separate points. This approach would help maintain focus and clarity throughout the essay.

• Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay employs a variety of cohesive devices such as linking words ("Firstly," "In addition," "In conclusion") and pronouns ("it," "this") to connect ideas within and between sentences. These devices generally contribute to coherence by guiding the reader through the writer’s arguments and conclusions.
  • How to improve: To further diversify the use of cohesive devices, incorporate a wider range of linking phrases and conjunctions. For instance, consider using causal connectors like "as a result," "therefore," or "consequently" to clarify the cause-effect relationships between technological advancements and their impacts on free time. Additionally, use more pronouns and synonyms to refer back to previously mentioned ideas, thereby reinforcing coherence without repetition.

Overall, while the essay effectively organizes its content into paragraphs and employs cohesive devices to connect ideas, further refinement in logical structure, paragraphing technique, and cohesive device usage could elevate the coherence and cohesion of the essay to a higher band score. By focusing on these areas, the essay can better guide the reader through its arguments and enhance overall clarity and coherence.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

• Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary. There is a variety of words and phrases used to discuss technological advancements and their impacts on free time and productivity. For instance, words like "advancement," "multifunctional," "facilitate," "communication demands," and "entertainment" are appropriately used to convey different aspects of the argument.
  • How to improve: To enhance the range of vocabulary, consider incorporating more specific and nuanced terms. For example, instead of using basic phrases like "considerable development of technology," try using precise terms such as "technological innovation" or "technological revolution" to add depth and clarity to your ideas.

• Use Vocabulary Precisely:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally uses vocabulary with reasonable accuracy. However, there are instances where vocabulary could be more precise. For example, the phrase "bring an ineffective productivity" could be replaced with "reduce productivity" or "hinder efficiency," which would more precisely convey the intended meaning.
  • How to improve: Focus on selecting vocabulary that precisely matches the intended meaning of your ideas. Avoid overly general terms or phrases that may leave room for ambiguity. Practice using synonyms and exploring the subtleties of different words to express your points more precisely.

• Use Correct Spelling:

  • Detailed explanation: Spelling is generally accurate throughout the essay. There are no major spelling errors that detract from understanding. However, there are minor errors such as "intend" instead of "intend to" and "beside" instead of "besides."
  • How to improve: Review your essays carefully to catch minor spelling errors like missing prepositions or conjunctions. Consider using spell-check tools or asking someone else to proofread your work to ensure all spelling errors are identified and corrected.

In summary, while your essay demonstrates a solid grasp of vocabulary appropriate for a Band 6 level, enhancing both the range and precision of your vocabulary could further strengthen your expression. Paying attention to minor spelling details will also help to improve overall clarity and coherence in your writing.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

• Use a Wide Range of Structures:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a satisfactory range of sentence structures. It includes simple and complex sentences, albeit with some repetition in sentence patterns (e.g., "On the one hand… On the other hand…"). There are instances of complex sentences using subordination ("because of," "although"), which enhance clarity and coherence.
  • How to improve: To improve, aim for more variety in sentence structures. Introduce more complex sentences with varied subordinating conjunctions (such as "despite," "while," "whereas") to add nuance and sophistication. Vary sentence openings and lengths to maintain reader engagement and enhance fluency.

• Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

  • Detailed explanation: Overall, the essay demonstrates generally accurate grammar and punctuation usage. However, there are notable instances of errors, such as subject-verb agreement ("rice nowadays can be collected" should be "rice nowadays can be collected"), article usage ("a lack of concentration between people" should be "a lack of concentration among people"), and minor punctuation issues (comma splices and missing commas).
  • How to improve: Focus on improving subject-verb agreement and article usage for clarity and accuracy. Review punctuation rules, particularly comma usage in complex sentences and to avoid comma splices. Proofreading should include attention to these specific areas to enhance overall grammatical accuracy.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a solid command of sentence structures with room for improvement in variety and precision of grammar and punctuation usage.

Bài sửa mẫu

It is widely argued that significant technological advancements in the 21st century will lead to people having more free time. I partially agree with this viewpoint due to both the advantages and disadvantages of technological devices.

On the positive side, technological progress has indeed reduced the amount of time people need to spend on work. Modern machines, for instance, now handle tasks that previously required extensive human labor. A prime example is the use of machines to harvest crops like rice, which used to be done manually. Furthermore, devices such as smartphones, laptops, and tablets have revolutionized communication by allowing people to connect online without physical meetings. These gadgets also serve as platforms for entertainment, such as online gaming, thereby contributing to leisure time.

However, there are drawbacks to the widespread adoption of technology in the modern age, particularly in terms of productivity. One significant issue is the decrease in concentration among individuals. While electronic devices provide easy access to useful information, they also offer numerous distracting apps and content. Young people, in particular, are vulnerable to these distractions and often delay tasks to browse the internet or engage with social media. This behavior not only wastes time initially but can also prolong the time required to complete tasks.

In conclusion, while technological advancements have undoubtedly reduced the amount of work people need to do, I believe they also have negative implications that should not be overlooked. It is crucial for individuals to strike a balance in their use of technology to avoid its potential pitfalls and maximize its benefits effectively.