Leaders and directors in an organisation are normally older people. Some people think younger leader would be better. Do u agree or disagree?
Leaders and directors in an organisation are normally older people. Some people think younger leader would be better. Do u agree or disagree?
Normally, taking on the role of leadership positions are done by old individuals but some people believe that the young may do better. With my opinion, i accept that young directors can do undertake leadership roles famously but they can not do better than older workers.
On the one hand, I will give main causes why young individuals can become leaders. Firstly, they have a lot of opportunities to be in touch with extraordinary perspectives and fresh knowledge, so young directors may be new energies for the organization. Moreove this can promote enthusiasm in work of individuals and play an important role in development and innovation of the organization. Secondly, young people have flexible communicated ability, so they can make connections between directors and workers to bring a comfortable work environment.
On the other hand, leadership roles can be done better by older people because older individuals have more years of experience and acquire much wisdom than the young. Older leaders may have the objective viewpoints and give wise decisions in difficult situations. Furthermore, older directors may have the calmness and pressure resistance ability, so they can face with difficulties with their confidence. For example, when having a mistake, the young may feel confused and disturbed. And in contrast, older leaders may solve the problem without embarrassment.
In conclusion, although the young can undertake leadership roles, I still believe that the older people may do leader better than the young. But the conjunction between younger directors and older leaders may be the best of both worlds for development of organization.
Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng
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"Normally, taking on the role of leadership positions are done by old individuals" -> "It is common for leadership positions to be held by older individuals"
Explanation: The original phrase is grammatically incorrect and awkward. The revised version corrects the grammatical error and uses more formal language suitable for academic writing. -
"With my opinion, i accept that young directors can do undertake leadership roles famously" -> "In my opinion, I accept that young directors can successfully undertake leadership roles"
Explanation: The original sentence contains a grammatical error ("i" should be capitalized) and informal language ("do undertake"). The revision corrects these issues and uses more formal vocabulary ("successfully"). -
"they can not do better than older workers" -> "they cannot perform as well as older workers"
Explanation: The original phrase is informal and lacks precision. The suggested change uses more formal language and clarifies the comparison being made. -
"I will give main causes why" -> "I will outline the primary reasons why"
Explanation: "I will give main causes" is informal and vague. "I will outline the primary reasons" is more precise and formal, fitting the academic style better. -
"they have a lot of opportunities to be in touch with extraordinary perspectives and fresh knowledge" -> "they have numerous opportunities to engage with innovative perspectives and fresh knowledge"
Explanation: The original phrase is verbose and informal. The revision simplifies and refines the language, making it more suitable for academic writing. -
"Moreove this can promote enthusiasm in work of individuals" -> "Moreover, this can foster enthusiasm among individuals"
Explanation: "Moreove" is a typographical error, and "in work of individuals" is awkward and unclear. The correction corrects the typo and clarifies the meaning, enhancing readability and formality. -
"young people have flexible communicated ability" -> "young individuals possess flexible communication skills"
Explanation: "communicated ability" is incorrect and awkward. "Possess flexible communication skills" is grammatically correct and more formal. -
"older directors may have the calmness and pressure resistance ability" -> "older directors may possess calmness and resilience"
Explanation: "pressure resistance ability" is awkward and not commonly used. "Resilience" is a more precise and academically appropriate term. -
"older leaders may face with difficulties with their confidence" -> "older leaders may confront challenges with confidence"
Explanation: "face with difficulties" is incorrect and informal. "Confront challenges" is more precise and formal, fitting the academic style better. -
"the young may feel confused and disturbed" -> "the young may feel disoriented and anxious"
Explanation: "confused and disturbed" is somewhat vague and informal. "Disoriented and anxious" provides a clearer and more formal description of the emotions. -
"older leaders may solve the problem without embarrassment" -> "older leaders may address the issue with composure"
Explanation: "solve the problem without embarrassment" is informal and lacks precision. "Address the issue with composure" is more formal and specific, suitable for academic writing. -
"the conjunction between younger directors and older leaders may be the best of both worlds for development of organization" -> "the collaboration between younger directors and older leaders may represent the optimal combination for organizational development"
Explanation: "the conjunction between" is vague and informal. "the collaboration between" is more precise and formal, and "represent the optimal combination" is a more academic way to express the idea.
Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Task Response: 7
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Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay addresses both sides of the argument regarding whether younger leaders are better than older leaders. The introduction presents the topic and the writer’s opinion, which is that older leaders are superior. The body paragraphs provide reasons supporting both perspectives, with the first paragraph focusing on the advantages of younger leaders and the second on the strengths of older leaders. However, the conclusion reiterates the writer’s stance without fully synthesizing the arguments presented, which could leave the reader wanting a more balanced view.
- How to improve: To enhance the response, the writer should ensure that each part of the question is explicitly addressed. This could involve more clearly stating the reasons for both sides in the conclusion and perhaps suggesting a more nuanced view that recognizes the potential benefits of both age groups in leadership roles.
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Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear position that older leaders are better, but the phrasing in the introduction ("i accept that young directors can do undertake leadership roles famously but they can not do better than older workers") is somewhat convoluted and could lead to confusion about the writer’s stance. The position is clearer in the body paragraphs, but the inconsistency in the introduction detracts from the overall clarity.
- How to improve: The writer should aim for a more straightforward expression of their opinion in the introduction. Using clear and direct language will help maintain a consistent position throughout the essay. Additionally, reinforcing this stance with clear topic sentences in each paragraph will help guide the reader.
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Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents several ideas about the strengths of both younger and older leaders. For instance, it highlights the fresh perspectives and enthusiasm of younger leaders, as well as the experience and wisdom of older leaders. However, some points lack depth and could benefit from further elaboration. For example, the mention of "flexible communicated ability" is vague and could be better explained with specific examples or scenarios.
- How to improve: To improve the development of ideas, the writer should aim to provide more detailed explanations and examples to support their claims. This could involve using specific instances from real-life organizations or studies that illustrate the advantages of both younger and older leaders.
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Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, discussing the merits of both younger and older leaders in relation to the prompt. However, there are moments where the discussion could be more focused. For instance, the phrase "the young may feel confused and disturbed" could be seen as overly generalized and not directly relevant to the argument about leadership effectiveness.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should ensure that all statements directly support the main argument. Avoiding overly broad or subjective statements will help keep the discussion relevant and grounded in the context of leadership effectiveness. Additionally, using clear transitions between points can help maintain the flow and relevance of the discussion.
Overall, while the essay demonstrates a good understanding of the topic and presents a clear argument, there are areas for improvement in clarity, depth of argumentation, and focus. By addressing these aspects, the writer can enhance the overall quality of their response.
Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7
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Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear structure with an introduction, two body paragraphs, and a conclusion. The points are logically divided between the advantages of young leaders and the strengths of older leaders. However, the transition between ideas could be smoother. For example, the shift from discussing the benefits of young leaders to older leaders feels abrupt, lacking a clear linking sentence that would guide the reader through the argument.
- How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider using transitional phrases such as "On the contrary" or "Conversely" to signal shifts in perspective. Additionally, ensuring that each paragraph begins with a topic sentence that clearly states the main idea will help in guiding the reader through the argument more effectively.
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Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively uses paragraphs to separate different ideas, which is a strength. Each paragraph focuses on a distinct aspect of the argument. However, the second paragraph could benefit from clearer internal organization. For instance, the points about young leaders could be more distinctly separated and elaborated upon to avoid confusion.
- How to improve: Ensure that each paragraph has a clear main idea and supporting details. Consider using bullet points or numbered lists in your planning stage to outline the main points you want to cover in each paragraph. This will help maintain clarity and focus within each paragraph.
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Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "Firstly" and "On the other hand," which help in structuring the argument. However, there is a limited range of cohesive devices used throughout the essay. For instance, the use of "moreover" is a good start, but the essay could benefit from additional devices like "in addition," "furthermore," or "for instance" to enhance the connections between ideas.
- How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, practice incorporating different linking words and phrases that can connect sentences and ideas more fluidly. For example, when providing examples, phrases like "for example" or "such as" can be useful. Additionally, using pronouns to refer back to previously mentioned ideas can help in maintaining coherence without unnecessary repetition.
Overall, while the essay demonstrates a good understanding of the topic and presents a balanced argument, focusing on improving the logical flow, enhancing paragraph structure, and diversifying cohesive devices will help elevate the coherence and cohesion to a higher level.
Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6
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Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, but it lacks the variety and sophistication expected at higher band scores. Phrases like "old individuals," "young directors," and "leadership roles" are repeated without much variation. For example, the phrase "young directors can do undertake leadership roles famously" could be rephrased to enhance variety, such as "young leaders can excel in leadership positions."
- How to improve: To enhance vocabulary range, the writer should incorporate synonyms and more complex phrases. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "young" and "old," consider terms like "younger generation" or "seasoned professionals." Additionally, using idiomatic expressions or collocations related to leadership could enrich the essay.
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Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: There are instances of imprecise vocabulary usage that detract from clarity. For example, the phrase "can do undertake leadership roles famously" is awkward and unclear. The word "famous" is not appropriate in this context; "effectively" or "successfully" would be more suitable. Similarly, "flexible communicated ability" is unclear and could be better expressed as "effective communication skills."
- How to improve: To improve precision, the writer should focus on selecting words that accurately convey their intended meaning. This can be achieved by revising sentences for clarity and ensuring that the chosen vocabulary fits the context. Practicing paraphrasing and using vocabulary in different contexts can also help solidify understanding and usage.
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Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors that impact readability. For example, "Moreove" should be "Moreover," and "i" should be capitalized to "I." Additionally, "pressure resistance ability" could be more clearly stated as "ability to withstand pressure."
- How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, the writer should engage in regular proofreading practices. Reading the essay aloud can help catch errors, as can using spell-check tools. Furthermore, maintaining a personal list of commonly misspelled words and reviewing them can reinforce correct spelling habits.
In summary, while the essay demonstrates a foundational use of vocabulary, there is significant room for improvement in range, precision, and spelling accuracy. By diversifying vocabulary, ensuring precise word choice, and focusing on spelling, the writer can enhance their lexical resource and potentially achieve a higher band score.
Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6
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Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates some variety in sentence structures, such as simple sentences ("Older leaders may have the objective viewpoints") and compound sentences ("Firstly, they have a lot of opportunities to be in touch with extraordinary perspectives and fresh knowledge"). However, the range is limited, and many sentences are constructed in a straightforward manner, which can make the writing feel repetitive. For instance, the use of "may" and "can" is prevalent, which does not showcase a broader range of modal verbs or complex sentence forms.
- How to improve: To enhance the variety of sentence structures, the writer should incorporate more complex sentences that include subordinate clauses (e.g., "Although young leaders may bring fresh ideas, they often lack the experience that older leaders possess"). Additionally, varying the use of conjunctions and incorporating different grammatical forms (such as passive voice or conditional sentences) can enrich the writing. Practicing sentence combining exercises and reading a variety of texts can help in this regard.
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Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical errors and punctuation issues that detract from its overall clarity and professionalism. For example, the phrase "taking on the role of leadership positions are done by old individuals" should be corrected to "taking on leadership positions is typically done by older individuals" to ensure subject-verb agreement. Additionally, there are issues with punctuation, such as missing commas that could enhance readability (e.g., "Firstly, they have a lot of opportunities to be in touch with extraordinary perspectives and fresh knowledge" could benefit from a comma before "and fresh knowledge").
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should focus on subject-verb agreement, verb tense consistency, and proper article usage. A thorough proofreading process can help catch these errors. Additionally, practicing grammar exercises focused on common mistakes, such as verb forms and sentence structure, can be beneficial. Reading aloud can also help identify awkward phrasing and punctuation errors.
In summary, while the essay presents a clear argument and some relevant points, enhancing the variety of sentence structures and improving grammatical accuracy will be crucial for achieving a higher band score in the Grammatical Range and Accuracy criteria.
Bài sửa mẫu
Normally, taking on leadership positions is done by older individuals, but some people believe that young leaders may do better. In my opinion, I accept that young directors can successfully undertake leadership roles, but they cannot perform as well as older workers.
On the one hand, I will outline the main reasons why young individuals can become leaders. Firstly, they have numerous opportunities to engage with innovative perspectives and fresh knowledge, so young directors may bring new energy to the organization. Moreover, this can foster enthusiasm among individuals and play an important role in the development and innovation of the organization. Secondly, young people possess flexible communication skills, so they can create connections between directors and workers to bring about a comfortable work environment.
On the other hand, leadership roles can be performed better by older individuals because they have more years of experience and acquire much wisdom compared to the young. Older leaders may have objective viewpoints and provide wise decisions in difficult situations. Furthermore, older directors may possess calmness and resilience, allowing them to confront challenges with confidence. For example, when making a mistake, young individuals may feel disoriented and anxious. In contrast, older leaders may address the issue with composure.
In conclusion, although the young can undertake leadership roles, I still believe that older individuals may lead better than the young. However, the collaboration between younger directors and older leaders may represent the optimal combination for organizational development.