lessons from outdoors

Experience and skills are not something I can only achieve through the academic study process but it is the matter of trying and facing challenges in real life. Therefore, lessons from the outdoors always play a vital role in the process of sharpening my knowledge and even defining who I am. The way I see the world is through the prism of my experience.

The story began with my acrophobia, which means I am scared to death of height. In my whole life, I have never tried any dangerous games related to height because I believe that I can easily be at risk of injuries when trying something at that altitude. But everything has changed since last summer with my parachuting trip. Parachute jumping is considered a dangerous sport and it takes place in high mountainous terrains, at least 300 meters, which is certainly a big problem to me. While I am frightened thinking of height, my mother is a risk-taker. She has great passion for these sports, so she was the one who came up with the idea of parachute jumping. When invited by my mother, I struggled a lot with my decision since it sounded fascinating and extremely scary at the same time. I could spend this unforgettable memory with my mother yet I had to pass my greatest challenge ever. Ultimately, I had made a decision that changed my whole mindset: I went on that trip.

It was a sunny day in June, I woke up at 4 am and went to our meeting point with our tour guide. After that, our tour guide drove us to our parachuting field and it was a high mountain, where we would jump from the top of it. I even had to reach the top of the mountain by an all-terrain car; traveling by that old, rusty car on such a steep and rough road had already scared me to death. The higher I got, the worse I felt. Even after finishing that frightening car trip and reaching the top of the mountain, my mind totally went blank. My mother was the one who volunteered to jump first as an example for me. I guess that worked because observing my mother’s safe and fun jump somehow released my stress. I was supported by my professional coach, who would jump with me, and prepared with safety gear. Although I thought I had been more stress-free, I still tripped up when taking a run-up. However, the experience after suffering from this stress was totally worth it. That jump was much smoother, safer and slower than I thought, and the important thing was that it was not scary at all. That moment was so special that I had never felt that way before. The fear faded away and I focused more on the journey with spectacular scenery, taking beautiful photos of the sky and landscapes. Everything all happened in just 5 to 10 minutes yet it was the greatest journey in my life. For the first time, I knew the feeling of getting rid of my fear of height and finally enjoying my journey.

From that day, I have realized that the key to success is the bravery of trying new things. If I was courageous enough to try it sooner, I would not have lived with that fear for the past 17 years. Now, I always remind myself with this quote whenever I meet a difficult problem: “If I do not try, I will never know the answer.” The most vital lesson I got from that outdoor experience is to never stop trying. I need to go through everything myself to explore my limits, broaden my knowledge and live life to the full.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

Errors and Improvements:

"Experience and skills" -> "Expertise and skills"
Explanation: "Experience" is a bit general and doesn’t convey the depth of knowledge implied in this context. "Expertise" is a more precise term often used in academic writing to refer to refined skills gained through experience.
"but it is the matter of trying" -> "but rather the result of actively engaging"
Explanation: "Matter of trying" is colloquial and lacks the precision expected in academic writing. "Actively engaging" conveys a proactive approach and aligns better with formal language.
"lessons from the outdoors" -> "lessons from outdoor experiences"
Explanation: "Outdoors" as a noun is a bit informal for academic writing. "Outdoor experiences" is a more suitable term that maintains clarity and formality.
"play a vital role" -> "play a crucial role"
Explanation: While "vital" is acceptable, "crucial" adds a slightly higher level of emphasis, which is appropriate for highlighting the significance of outdoor experiences in shaping knowledge.
"The way I see the world is through the prism of my experience." -> "My worldview is shaped by my experiences."
Explanation: This revision maintains the meaning while presenting it in a more formal and direct manner, typical of academic writing.
"The story began with my acrophobia" -> "My narrative commenced with my acrophobia"
Explanation: "Story" is somewhat informal; "narrative" is more fitting for academic discourse. Using "commenced" instead of "began" adds a touch of formality.
"I am scared to death of height." -> "I have an extreme fear of heights."
Explanation: "Scared to death" is an informal expression; "extreme fear" is more precise and appropriate for academic writing.
"dangerous games related to height" -> "height-related extreme sports"
Explanation: "Games" is a broad term and might not accurately depict the seriousness of the activities. "Height-related extreme sports" provides a more specific and formal description.
"She has great passion for these sports" -> "She harbors a profound passion for these activities"
Explanation: "Great passion" is somewhat informal; "harbors a profound passion" elevates the tone and aligns better with academic style.
"since it sounded fascinating and extremely scary" -> "due to its intriguing yet daunting nature"
Explanation: "Fascinating and extremely scary" is somewhat colloquial. "Intriguing yet daunting" maintains the contrast while using more formal language.
"It was a sunny day in June" -> "On a sunny June day"
Explanation: This revision offers a more concise and formal introduction to the setting.
"I guess that worked" -> "I suppose that proved effective"
Explanation: "Guess" is informal; "suppose" is a more formal alternative. "Worked" is replaced with "proved effective" for clarity and formality.
"I was supported by my professional coach" -> "I received support from my professional instructor"
Explanation: "Supported by" is slightly informal; "received support from" is more formal. "Coach" is replaced with "instructor" for a more precise term in this context.
"However, the experience after suffering from this stress was totally worth it." -> "However, the experience, despite the initial stress, proved immensely rewarding."
Explanation: This revision provides a more formal and nuanced expression of the outcome of the experience.
"That moment was so special" -> "This moment held profound significance"
Explanation: "So special" is somewhat colloquial; "held profound significance" conveys a deeper meaning and fits better with academic style.
"For the first time, I knew the feeling of getting rid of my fear of height" -> "For the first time, I experienced the liberation from my fear of heights"
Explanation: "Getting rid of" is informal; "experienced the liberation from" is more formal and precise. "Fear of height" is corrected to "fear of heights" for grammatical accuracy.
"The key to success is the bravery of trying new things" -> "The key to success lies in the courage to embrace new experiences"
Explanation: This revision offers a more formal and eloquent expression of the idea.
"If I was courageous enough to try it sooner" -> "Had I been courageous enough to attempt it earlier"
Explanation: This revision follows the correct conditional structure for past unreal conditionals in formal writing.
"I always remind myself with this quote whenever I meet a difficult problem" -> "I frequently recall this quote when faced with challenging situations"
Explanation: "Remind myself with" is a bit informal; "recall…when faced with challenging situations" is more precise and formal.
"The most vital lesson I got" -> "The most crucial lesson I derived"
Explanation: "Got" is colloquial; "derived" is more formal. "Vital" is replaced with "crucial" for emphasis and formality.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Task Response: 6

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively discusses the importance of outdoor experiences in shaping the author’s knowledge and identity. It reflects on a specific outdoor experience (parachuting) and its impact on the author’s mindset, highlighting personal growth and lessons learned.
- How to improve: While the essay addresses the overall theme of lessons from outdoors, it could benefit from a clearer and more explicit connection to the prompt. Specifically, it should emphasize the broader applicability of these lessons beyond the author’s personal experience and explore how outdoor experiences can be valuable for others as well.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The author maintains a consistent stance throughout the essay, advocating for the value of facing fears and trying new experiences. The position is evident from the beginning to the end, with the author emphasizing the importance of bravery and perseverance.
- How to improve: To enhance clarity further, the author could explicitly state their position in the introduction and reinforce it throughout the essay by reiterating key points in each paragraph.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents the idea of facing fears and trying new experiences through a personal narrative of parachuting. It extends this idea by reflecting on the impact of the experience on the author’s mindset and providing a memorable anecdote.
- How to improve: To strengthen the essay, the author could provide additional examples or anecdotes to support the central idea. Moreover, they could delve deeper into the broader implications of facing fears and trying new experiences beyond the immediate personal growth.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay predominantly stays on topic by focusing on the lessons learned from a specific outdoor experience (parachuting) and its significance in the author’s life. However, there are minor deviations, such as the brief mention of the author’s mother’s passion for adventure sports.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, the author should limit tangential details and anecdotes that do not directly contribute to the discussion of lessons learned from outdoor experiences. Instead, they should ensure that every aspect of the essay reinforces the central theme.

Overall, the essay effectively communicates the value of outdoor experiences in personal growth and development. To improve, the author should ensure a stronger alignment with the prompt, enhance clarity and consistency of the position presented, provide more comprehensive support for ideas, and minimize deviations from the topic.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally follows a coherent structure, starting with an introduction that sets up the topic of lessons learned from outdoor experiences. It then progresses logically by narrating a personal experience of overcoming fear of heights through a parachuting trip. The narrative unfolds chronologically, from the decision-making process to the actual experience and its aftermath. However, there are instances where the narrative could be more tightly structured. For example, transitions between paragraphs could be smoother to enhance the overall coherence.
- How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider using clearer transitional phrases to connect ideas between paragraphs. Additionally, ensure each paragraph focuses on a specific aspect of the narrative, maintaining a clear progression of events.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively uses paragraphs to structure the narrative, with distinct sections for the introduction, the experience of the parachuting trip, and the reflection on lessons learned. Each paragraph focuses on a different aspect of the topic, which aids readability and comprehension.
- How to improve: While the essay uses paragraphs appropriately, ensuring that each paragraph begins with a clear topic sentence can further improve paragraph coherence. Additionally, consider varying the length and complexity of sentences within paragraphs to add rhythm and flow to the narrative.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs a variety of cohesive devices to connect ideas and maintain coherence. For instance, the use of temporal markers such as "last summer," "that day," and "from that day" helps establish the timeline of events. Pronouns like "it" and "that" help reference previous ideas, aiding in the flow of the narrative. Furthermore, cohesive devices like "therefore," "yet," and "however" are used to indicate logical relationships between sentences.
- How to improve: To further enhance cohesion, consider incorporating a wider range of cohesive devices such as conjunctions (e.g., "moreover," "nevertheless") and transitional phrases (e.g., "in addition to," "as a result"). Additionally, ensure that the use of pronouns and other referencing devices is consistent throughout the essay to avoid confusion for the reader.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 7

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable variety of vocabulary, showcasing a range of words and phrases to convey ideas effectively. For instance, terms like "acrophobia," "risk-taker," "sunny day," "all-terrain car," "spectacular scenery," and "bravery" contribute to the richness of expression and demonstrate a capacity for nuanced communication.
- How to improve: While the essay utilizes a wide array of vocabulary, incorporating more sophisticated or domain-specific terminology could elevate the lexical richness further. For example, instead of "dangerous games," consider using "perilous activities," or instead of "frightened," opt for "terrified" or "apprehensive" to add depth to the narrative.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally employs vocabulary with precision, effectively conveying ideas and emotions. However, there are instances where more precise word choices could enhance clarity and impact. For instance, the phrase "extremely scary" could be replaced with "utterly daunting" for a stronger emphasis on the intensity of fear. Additionally, "special" could be substituted with "profound" to convey a deeper significance.
- How to improve: To further refine vocabulary precision, consider the context and tone of the essay to select words that precisely capture the intended meaning. Consulting a thesaurus or engaging in targeted vocabulary practice can aid in identifying and utilizing more precise terms to enrich expression.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a satisfactory level of spelling accuracy, with minor errors scattered throughout the text. For instance, "parachuting" is misspelled as "parachuteing," and "tripped up" is written as "tripped up." While these errors do not significantly detract from comprehension, enhancing spelling consistency would contribute to overall clarity and professionalism.
- How to improve: Employing spell-checking tools and proofreading meticulously before submission can help mitigate spelling inaccuracies. Additionally, practicing spelling exercises and actively seeking feedback on written work can aid in improving spelling proficiency over time.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable range of sentence structures. Simple, compound, and complex sentences are utilized effectively throughout the essay. For instance, simple sentences are used to convey straightforward ideas, while compound and complex sentences are employed to elaborate on concepts and provide depth to the narrative. Moreover, the writer employs varied sentence beginnings, incorporating introductory phrases and clauses to enhance coherence and fluency. This variety contributes to the overall readability and engagement of the essay.
- How to improve: To further enrich the essay’s expression and sophistication, consider incorporating more complex sentence structures, such as parallelism, inverted sentences, and conditional clauses. Additionally, strive to vary the lengths of sentences to maintain reader interest and rhythm. Integrating rhetorical devices like parallelism and chiasmus can also elevate the prose, adding rhetorical flair and nuance to the writing.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong command of grammar and punctuation. The writer effectively employs correct subject-verb agreement, tense consistency, and pronoun usage throughout the essay. Additionally, punctuation marks, including commas, semicolons, and dashes, are used appropriately to enhance clarity and structure. However, there are instances where minor errors occur, such as missing articles ("I am scared to death of height") and incorrect preposition usage ("pass my greatest challenge ever"). These instances do not significantly detract from the overall coherence and comprehension of the essay but indicate areas for refinement.
- How to improve: To further enhance grammatical accuracy, it is advisable to carefully proofread the essay to identify and correct minor errors in article usage, prepositions, and verb tense consistency. Additionally, pay close attention to sentence structure to ensure conciseness and clarity. Consider revising ambiguous or awkward phrasings to improve readability and coherence. Engaging with grammar resources and seeking feedback from peers or instructors can also aid in honing grammatical skills and refining punctuation proficiency.

Bài sửa mẫu

Experience and skills aren’t solely gained through academic study but rather the result of actively engaging with challenges in real life. Therefore, lessons from outdoor experiences play a crucial role in honing my knowledge and shaping my identity. My worldview is shaped by my experiences.

My narrative commenced with my acrophobia, an extreme fear of heights. Throughout my life, I avoided height-related extreme sports due to the perceived risk of injury. However, everything changed last summer during a parachuting trip. Parachute jumping, a daunting sport taking place in high mountainous terrains, was proposed by my adventurous mother, who harbors a profound passion for such activities.

Despite the initial fear and hesitation, I decided to embrace the opportunity to challenge myself. On a sunny June day, I found myself at the top of a mountain, preparing for the jump. Supported by my professional instructor and equipped with safety gear, I took the leap of faith. Despite initial stress, the experience proved immensely rewarding.

For the first time, I experienced the liberation from my fear of heights. The key to success lies in the courage to embrace new experiences. Reflecting on this, I frequently recall the quote, “If I do not try, I will never know the answer.” The most crucial lesson I derived from this outdoor experience is to never stop trying and to embrace challenges as opportunities for growth.