Line graph

Line graph

1. The percentage of money spent on education in Someland started at approximately 13% in 2006 before hitting the highest point of just over 30% in 2007. After that, the figure fell to 21%, followed by a steady growth of 9% in 2008. The propotion of money spent on education witnessed a plummet of 27% in the same year. Then, the recorded figure continuously fluctuated in the next 2 years.

2. The number of cases of heart disease in Someland started at 100 cases in 1983 before slightly increased to 200 cases in 1987. After that, the next year witnessed a decline of 100 cases. In 1989, there was a remarkable growth in the number of cases of heart disease which reached the highest point of 400 cases. The next 3 years experienced a plunge of 400 in the number of cases.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

1. "The percentage of money spent on education in Someland" -> "The proportion of educational expenditure in Someland"
   Explanation: Replacing "percentage of money spent on education" with "proportion of educational expenditure" refines the language by using a more precise and formal term, enhancing the academic tone of the statement.

2. "started at approximately 13%" -> "initiated at approximately 13%"
   Explanation: "Started" is somewhat informal and vague in this context. "Initiated" is more precise and formal, fitting better in an academic context.

3. "hitting the highest point of just over 30%" -> "peaking at approximately 30%"
   Explanation: "Hitting the highest point" is colloquial and less precise. "Peaking at" is a more formal and accurate term for describing the highest point reached in a trend.

4. "fell to 21%" -> "dropped to 21%"
   Explanation: While "fell" is not incorrect, "dropped" is more commonly used in academic writing to describe a decrease in figures or trends.

5. "The propotion of money spent on education witnessed a plummet of 27%" -> "The proportion of educational expenditure experienced a decline of 27%"
   Explanation: "Propotion" is a typographical error and should be corrected to "proportion." Additionally, "witnessed a plummet" is overly dramatic and informal; "experienced a decline" is more measured and appropriate for academic writing.

6. "Then, the recorded figure continuously fluctuated in the next 2 years." -> "Subsequently, the recorded figure continued to fluctuate over the next two years."
   Explanation: "Then" is somewhat informal and vague; "Subsequently" is more formal and precise. Also, "in the next 2 years" should be "over the next two years" for a more formal tone.

7. "slightly increased to 200 cases" -> "increased to 200 cases"
   Explanation: "Slightly" is redundant when used with "increased," as "increased" already implies a change, albeit possibly small. Removing "slightly" maintains clarity and conciseness.

8. "remarkable growth" -> "significant increase"
   Explanation: "Remarkable" can be seen as subjective and informal; "significant" is more objective and suitable for academic writing.

9. "plunge of 400" -> "decline of 400"
   Explanation: "Plunge" is a more dramatic term that may not be suitable for formal academic writing. "Decline" is neutral and precise.

These changes enhance the formal tone and precision of the text, aligning it more closely with academic standards.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Task Response: 5 – UNDER WORD

• Answer All Parts of the Question:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay appears to address two different line graphs, one regarding the percentage of money spent on education and the other concerning heart disease cases. However, it fails to clearly identify or summarize the main trends and comparisons between the two graphs. The response does not adequately cover all parts of the prompt, as it does not provide a cohesive overview or analysis of the data presented in the graphs.
  • How to improve: To improve, the writer should ensure that they fully understand the prompt and address all aspects of the graphs. This includes summarizing the main trends, making comparisons where relevant, and providing an overall interpretation of the data. A clear introductory statement that outlines what the graphs depict would also enhance clarity.

• Present a Clear Position Throughout:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay lacks a clear position or thesis statement that guides the reader through the analysis. The information is presented in a somewhat disjointed manner, making it difficult to follow the writer’s line of reasoning. There is no clear conclusion or summary that encapsulates the findings from the graphs.
  • How to improve: To present a clearer position, the writer should formulate a strong thesis statement in the introduction that outlines the main trends or points of interest from the graphs. Additionally, using topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph can help maintain focus and guide the reader through the analysis.

• Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

  • Detailed explanation: The ideas presented in the essay are somewhat fragmented and lack depth. While there are some observations about the data, such as increases and decreases in percentages and cases, these points are not sufficiently elaborated upon or supported with relevant details. The essay does not provide any contextual information or implications of the trends observed.
  • How to improve: To enhance the presentation and support of ideas, the writer should aim to elaborate on the trends they mention. This could include discussing possible reasons for the fluctuations in spending on education or the implications of the changes in heart disease cases. Providing specific data points and comparisons would also strengthen the analysis.

• Stay on Topic:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay does not stay focused on the topic effectively. The inclusion of two separate graphs without a clear connection or transition between them leads to confusion. The lack of a cohesive structure makes it challenging for the reader to understand the relevance of the information presented.
  • How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should choose one graph to analyze at a time, ensuring that each section of the essay clearly relates back to the main topic. Clear transitions between sections and a logical flow of information will help keep the reader engaged and informed about the topic at hand.

Overall, the essay requires significant improvement in structure, clarity, and depth of analysis to achieve a higher band score. Focusing on these areas will enhance the overall quality of the response.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

• Organize Information Logically:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents information about two distinct topics: the percentage of money spent on education and the number of heart disease cases in Someland. While each section generally follows a chronological order, the transition between the two topics lacks clarity. For instance, the abrupt shift from discussing education spending to heart disease cases can confuse the reader, as there is no clear thematic or logical connection established between the two subjects.
  • How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider introducing a clear structure that separates the two topics more distinctly. For example, use headings or transitional phrases to signal the shift from one topic to another. Additionally, providing a brief overview or summary sentence at the beginning of each section can help contextualize the information for the reader.

• Use Paragraphs:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay lacks effective paragraphing, as both topics are presented in a single block of text without any clear paragraph breaks. This makes it difficult for the reader to digest the information, as there is no visual cue to indicate where one idea ends and another begins. Each topic should ideally have its own paragraph to enhance readability and clarity.
  • How to improve: Implement a clear paragraph structure by dedicating one paragraph to the discussion of education spending and another to heart disease cases. Each paragraph should start with a topic sentence that summarizes the main idea, followed by supporting details. For example, the first paragraph could begin with a statement about the trends in education spending, followed by specific data points, while the second paragraph could do the same for heart disease cases.

• Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates some use of cohesive devices, such as "after that" and "then," to connect ideas within each topic. However, the range of cohesive devices is limited, and their application can sometimes feel repetitive. For instance, the frequent use of "after that" can detract from the overall flow of the text, making it sound formulaic.
  • How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, consider incorporating a wider variety of linking words and phrases. For example, instead of repeatedly using "after that," you could use alternatives like "subsequently," "following this," or "in the subsequent years." Additionally, using devices that indicate contrast (e.g., "however," "on the other hand") or addition (e.g., "furthermore," "moreover") can help create a more nuanced and engaging narrative.

By addressing these areas for improvement, the essay can achieve a higher level of coherence and cohesion, ultimately enhancing the overall clarity and effectiveness of the writing.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

• Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary relevant to the topic, such as "percentage," "cases," "highest point," "decline," and "growth." However, the vocabulary is somewhat repetitive, particularly in the use of terms like "cases" and "money spent," which could be varied to enhance the richness of the language. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "cases," synonyms like "instances" or "occurrences" could be employed to diversify the language.
  • How to improve: To improve vocabulary range, consider incorporating synonyms and related terms. For example, when discussing "money spent," alternatives like "expenditure" or "investment" could be used. Additionally, using more descriptive adjectives and adverbs could add depth, such as "significant growth" instead of just "growth."

• Use Vocabulary Precisely:

  • Detailed explanation: While the essay generally conveys the intended meaning, there are instances of imprecise vocabulary usage. For example, the phrase "witnessed a plummet of 27%" is misleading, as "plummet" typically suggests a rapid and significant drop, which may not accurately reflect the data presented. Similarly, "the next year witnessed a decline of 100 cases" could be clearer if it specified that it was a decrease to 100 cases, rather than implying a reduction of 100 from a higher number.
  • How to improve: To enhance precision, ensure that vocabulary accurately reflects the data. Instead of "plummet," consider using "decrease" or "drop" with specific figures to clarify the extent of the change. Additionally, when describing trends, using terms like "increase" or "decrease" followed by the specific figures can provide clearer insights.

• Use Correct Spelling:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay contains a few spelling errors, such as "propotion" instead of "proportion." Such errors can detract from the overall clarity and professionalism of the writing. While the majority of the vocabulary is spelled correctly, these minor mistakes can impact the reader’s perception of the writer’s attention to detail.
  • How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, it is advisable to proofread the essay carefully before submission. Utilizing spell-check tools or writing practice that focuses on commonly misspelled words can also be beneficial. Additionally, reading the essay aloud can help catch errors that may be overlooked during silent reading.

In summary, to elevate the Lexical Resource score, the writer should focus on expanding vocabulary range, ensuring precision in word choice, and enhancing spelling accuracy through diligent proofreading and practice.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

• Use a Wide Range of Structures:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable variety of sentence structures. For instance, the use of complex sentences such as "The percentage of money spent on education in Someland started at approximately 13% in 2006 before hitting the highest point of just over 30% in 2007" showcases an ability to combine clauses effectively. However, there are instances of repetition in sentence beginnings and a reliance on similar structures, particularly in the second paragraph where phrases like "The number of cases of heart disease in Someland started at" and "In 1989, there was a remarkable growth" follow a predictable pattern.
  • How to improve: To enhance the variety of sentence structures, consider incorporating more complex and compound sentences. For example, instead of starting multiple sentences with "The number of cases," try varying the subject or using introductory phrases. Additionally, integrating more passive voice constructions or conditional sentences could further diversify the writing style.

• Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains a good level of grammatical accuracy, but there are notable errors that affect clarity. For instance, the phrase "the propotion of money spent on education witnessed a plummet of 27% in the same year" contains a spelling error ("propotion" should be "proportion") and the phrase "plummet of 27%" is somewhat awkward. Furthermore, the sentence "After that, the next year witnessed a decline of 100 cases" could be clearer if rephrased to specify that the decline refers to the number of cases. Punctuation is mostly correct, but there are some missing commas that could aid in clarity, such as before "which reached the highest point of 400 cases."
  • How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, it is essential to proofread the essay for spelling errors and awkward phrasing. Practicing sentence rephrasing can help in identifying clearer constructions. Additionally, reviewing punctuation rules, particularly regarding the use of commas in complex sentences, will enhance the overall readability of the essay. Consider using tools or resources for grammar checking to catch errors before submission.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a solid command of grammatical range and accuracy, focusing on diversifying sentence structures and refining grammatical precision will help elevate the score further.

Bài sửa mẫu

1. The proportion of educational expenditure in Someland initiated at approximately 13% in 2006 before peaking at just over 30% in 2007. After that, the figure dropped to 21%, followed by a steady increase of 9% in 2008. The proportion of money spent on education experienced a decline of 27% in the same year. Subsequently, the recorded figure continued to fluctuate over the next two years.

2. The number of cases of heart disease in Someland started at 100 cases in 1983 before slightly increasing to 200 cases in 1987. After that, the following year witnessed a decline of 100 cases. In 1989, there was a significant increase in the number of cases of heart disease, which reached a peak of 400 cases. The next three years experienced a decline of 400 in the number of cases.