Many children these days have an unhealthy lifestyle. Both schools and parents are responsible for solving this problem. To what extent do you agree with this statement? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

Many children these days have an unhealthy lifestyle. Both schools and parents are responsible for solving this problem.
To what extent do you agree with this statement?
Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

At present, Children usually have unhealthy lifestyle such as night own and sleep until noon next morning, put fast food in their mouth, don’t exercise, lazy, etc that negative effect on their heath. The main reason for that is because Parental indulgence and school permissiveness created unhealthy habits when they was young, so I completely agree that parents and schools must be responsible for solving that problem.
To start with, parents are highly responsible for forming a child's habits because children will tend to act what adults allow them to do. However, parents follow their children's wishes due to they are afraid that their children will not be happy, so they do not disobey their children's will, making their children feel as comfortable. Addition, following their children's wishes will constitute a bit of free time for parents but it will found awful lifestyle for children in future. For example, when children refuse to eat, parents often take out their phones to entice them to eat, without using other methods such as creating a variety of dishes to make the child more interested, chatting or playing with them in a fun atmosphere. That not only helps children eat well, but also helps them get closer to their parents.
Moreover, Schools have the responsibility to proactively coordinate with families which not only teach knowledge but also rectify unhealthy lifestyle. However, the school believes that it is only necessary to educate knowledge and the school does not care about unhealthy lifestyles. For example, if a child has scores below average, the school will hold a parent meeting to coordinate and find methods to teach the child more effectively, and if the student eats too much candy and is lazy to exercise, the school does not talk about that. Instead, the school should strictly point out the harmful effects of eating a piece of sweets, which encourage children to exercise more for good health in next year.
Inclusion, unhealthy lifestyle are responded by both schools and parents because it is created from the birth to adulthood. Therefore, parents and schools must pay close attention to bad habits from a young age to promptly prevent and promote good habits

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Errors and Improvements:

"At present, Children usually have unhealthy lifestyle" -> "Currently, children often exhibit unhealthy lifestyles"
Explanation: "Currently" is more formal than "At present," and "children often exhibit unhealthy lifestyles" corrects the grammatical error and enhances the academic tone.
"night own" -> "staying up late"
Explanation: "night own" seems to be a typographical error for "night owl," which is too informal; "staying up late" is more appropriate for academic writing.
"put fast food in their mouth, don’t exercise, lazy, etc" -> "consume fast food, neglect exercise, and exhibit laziness, among other behaviors"
Explanation: The original phrase is too informal and lacks clarity. The suggested revision is more precise and suitable for an academic context.
"negative effect on their heath" -> "adverse effects on their health"
Explanation: "adverse effects" is a more formal expression than "negative effect," and "health" is the correct spelling.
"Parental indulgence and school permissiveness" -> "Parental indulgence and institutional permissiveness"
Explanation: Using "institutional permissiveness" broadens the scope to include not just schools but any educational or child-rearing institution, enhancing the formal tone.
"when they was young" -> "during their formative years"
Explanation: "during their formative years" is not only grammatically correct but also a more precise and formal way to describe the period of childhood and adolescence.
"I completely agree" -> "This essay strongly supports the viewpoint"
Explanation: Using "This essay strongly supports the viewpoint" shifts the focus from the personal opinion of the writer to the argument presented by the essay, which is more appropriate for academic writing.
"parents follow their children’s wishes due to they are afraid" -> "parents acquiesce to their children’s wishes because they fear"
Explanation: "acquiesce to their children’s wishes" is more formal than "follow their children’s wishes," and "because they fear" corrects the grammatical error in the original.
"Addition, following their children’s wishes" -> "Furthermore, acquiescing to their children’s desires"
Explanation: "Furthermore" is a more formal transitional phrase than "Addition," and "acquiescing to their children’s desires" maintains the formal tone established previously.
"will found awful lifestyle" -> "will foster detrimental lifestyles"
Explanation: "will foster detrimental lifestyles" is more precise and academically appropriate than the informal and unclear "will found awful lifestyle."
"Inclusion, unhealthy lifestyle are responded by both schools and parents" -> "In conclusion, unhealthy lifestyles are addressed by both schools and parents"
Explanation: "In conclusion" is the correct transitional phrase for summarizing the essay’s arguments, and "unhealthy lifestyles are addressed by both schools and parents" corrects the grammatical errors and enhances clarity.
"must pay close attention to bad habits from a young age to promptly prevent and promote good habits" -> "must diligently monitor and correct unhealthy habits from an early age to effectively encourage and cultivate positive behaviors"
Explanation: The suggested revision uses more formal vocabulary ("diligently monitor and correct" and "effectively encourage and cultivate") and provides a clearer, more detailed description of the actions required by parents and schools.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Task Response: 6

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay provides a clear stance on the issue presented in the prompt, agreeing that both parents and schools bear responsibility for children’s unhealthy lifestyles. It addresses the role of parents in forming habits and the responsibility of schools in teaching not just academic knowledge but also healthy habits.
- How to improve: To further enhance this aspect, ensure that each point made directly relates back to the prompt. Additionally, consider elaborating more on the specific responsibilities of parents and schools in addressing the issue.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a consistent position throughout, asserting that both parents and schools are accountable for addressing children’s unhealthy lifestyles. However, the clarity of expression could be improved through clearer topic sentences and transitions between ideas.
- How to improve: Work on structuring the essay more effectively with clear topic sentences for each paragraph and smoother transitions between ideas to enhance coherence.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas but lacks depth and development. While it mentions parental indulgence and school permissiveness, these points could be further elaborated with specific examples or evidence to strengthen the argument. Additionally, providing counterarguments and refutations would enrich the essay.
- How to improve: To improve, provide more detailed examples and evidence to support each point made. Incorporating statistics or research findings related to unhealthy lifestyles among children would enhance the credibility of the argument.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic by discussing the roles of parents and schools in addressing children’s unhealthy lifestyles. However, there are moments where the discussion slightly deviates, such as when discussing the consequences of parental indulgence without directly tying it back to the main argument.
- How to improve: Ensure that every point made directly relates to the main argument and the prompt. Avoid tangential discussions that do not contribute to the overall coherence and relevance of the essay.

Overall, while the essay effectively addresses the prompt and maintains a consistent stance, there is room for improvement in terms of depth of analysis, clarity of expression, and staying focused on the topic at hand. By providing more detailed examples, structuring the essay more effectively, and staying closely aligned with the main argument, the essay could achieve a higher band score.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a clear attempt at organizing information logically. It starts with an introduction that presents the writer’s stance, followed by two body paragraphs that respectively discuss the roles of parents and schools in addressing children’s unhealthy lifestyles. However, there are some issues with coherence, such as abrupt transitions between ideas and lack of clear topic sentences in some paragraphs.
- How to improve: To enhance logical organization, ensure that each paragraph has a clear topic sentence that introduces the main idea of the paragraph. Additionally, work on smoother transitions between ideas to create a more coherent flow of thought throughout the essay. For example, in the second paragraph, a smoother transition from discussing parental responsibility to the impact of parental actions on children’s habits could improve coherence.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay attempts to use paragraphs to organize ideas, but the structure within paragraphs could be improved for clarity and coherence. Some paragraphs lack a clear topic sentence, making it difficult for readers to understand the main point. Additionally, the second body paragraph could be split into smaller paragraphs to improve readability and coherence.
- How to improve: Focus on structuring paragraphs with a clear topic sentence at the beginning to signal the main idea. Consider breaking down longer paragraphs into smaller ones, each addressing a specific aspect of the argument. For instance, the second body paragraph could be divided into separate paragraphs addressing the responsibilities of schools and the proposed actions they should take.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay uses some cohesive devices, such as transitional phrases like "to start with" and "moreover," to connect ideas. However, there is limited variety, and some transitions are abrupt, affecting the overall coherence of the essay. Additionally, there’s a need for more cohesive devices within paragraphs to strengthen connections between sentences.
- How to improve: Increase the variety of cohesive devices used throughout the essay, such as pronouns (e.g., "this," "these") and conjunctions (e.g., "however," "furthermore"). Ensure that cohesive devices are used not only between paragraphs but also within paragraphs to maintain coherence at a sentence level. For example, instead of abruptly shifting from discussing parental responsibility to school responsibility, use transitional phrases like "in addition" or "furthermore" to smoothly connect ideas within paragraphs.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates an understanding of coherence and cohesion, there is room for improvement in organizing information more logically, structuring paragraphs effectively, and using a wider range of cohesive devices to enhance coherence throughout the essay.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a fair range of vocabulary, though some expressions lack variety and sophistication. For instance, phrases like "unhealthy lifestyle," "parents and schools," and "bad habits" are reiterated without much variation. However, there are instances where the essay employs more diverse vocabulary, such as "parental indulgence," "permissiveness," "rectify," and "proactively coordinate," which contribute positively to the lexical resource.
- How to improve: To enhance the lexical variety, consider using synonyms and more nuanced expressions. For instance, instead of repeatedly stating "unhealthy lifestyle," you could utilize phrases like "detrimental habits," "sedentary routines," or "poor dietary choices" to convey similar meanings with more sophistication. Additionally, incorporating more academic vocabulary related to education and child development could elevate the lexical range further.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay displays both precise and imprecise vocabulary usage. For instance, phrases like "parental indulgence" and "proactively coordinate" exhibit precise vocabulary usage, conveying specific meanings effectively. However, there are instances of imprecise language, such as "night own" instead of "late-night hours," "found awful lifestyle" instead of "foster unhealthy habits," and "inclusion" instead of "in conclusion," which detract from the clarity and precision of expression.
- How to improve: To improve precision, strive for accuracy and clarity in word choice. Avoid ambiguous or colloquial expressions that may obscure your intended meaning. Reviewing and refining your vocabulary choices can help ensure that each word precisely conveys your intended message. Additionally, considering the context and appropriateness of vocabulary in academic writing can aid in using language more precisely.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates varied levels of spelling accuracy. While some words are spelled correctly, such as "parental" and "cooperate," there are numerous spelling errors throughout the text, including "night own" instead of "night owl," "heath" instead of "health," "Addition" instead of "In addition," and "inclusion" instead of "conclusion."
- How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, utilize tools like spell checkers and proofreading techniques to identify and correct errors. Additionally, practicing spelling through exercises and actively seeking feedback on written work can help reinforce correct spelling patterns. Paying close attention to commonly misspelled words and consistently reviewing spelling rules can also aid in improving accuracy over time.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 5

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences. However, there is a tendency towards simpler sentence structures, which occasionally hinders the fluency and complexity of expression. For instance, the essay frequently utilizes straightforward sentence structures like "Parents follow their children’s wishes due to they are afraid that their children will not be happy." While these sentences convey the message clearly, they lack sophistication and variety.
- How to improve: To enhance the essay’s grammatical range and readability, consider incorporating more complex sentence structures, such as compound-complex sentences or those involving subordinate clauses. This can be achieved by combining ideas within sentences and varying the length and structure of your sentences. For example, instead of relying solely on simple sentences, try integrating subordinate clauses to add depth and complexity to your writing. Additionally, experiment with different sentence beginnings and transitions to create a smoother flow of ideas.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: Overall, the essay demonstrates a reasonably good grasp of grammar and punctuation, with few errors that significantly impede comprehension. However, there are several instances of grammatical inaccuracies and punctuation errors throughout the essay. For instance, "Children usually have unhealthy lifestyle such as night own and sleep until noon next morning, put fast food in their mouth, don’t exercise, lazy, etc that negative effect on their heath" contains multiple errors, including subject-verb agreement issues ("have" should be "have a"), incorrect word usage ("night own" should be "night owl"), missing articles ("a negative effect"), and punctuation errors (missing commas between listed items).
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy and punctuation skills, it’s crucial to review and practice basic grammar rules and punctuation conventions. Pay particular attention to subject-verb agreement, proper word usage, and the correct placement of punctuation marks. Additionally, proofreading your writing carefully before submission can help catch and correct errors. Consider using grammar-checking tools or seeking feedback from peers or instructors to identify and address any recurring mistakes. By consistently practicing and refining your grammar and punctuation skills, you can enhance the clarity and precision of your writing.

Bài sửa mẫu

Currently, children often exhibit unhealthy lifestyles – staying up late, consuming fast food, neglecting exercise, and showing laziness, among other behaviors – which have adverse effects on their health. Parental indulgence and institutional permissiveness during their formative years contribute significantly to these habits. This essay strongly supports the viewpoint that parents acquiesce to their children’s wishes because they fear their children will not be happy. Furthermore, acquiescing to their children’s desires can lead to fostering detrimental lifestyles.

To start with, parents are highly responsible for forming a child’s habits because children tend to mimic what adults allow them to do. However, parents often comply with their children’s wishes out of fear that their children will be unhappy, so they do not oppose their children’s will, making their children feel comfortable. Additionally, complying with their children’s wishes may provide a bit of free time for parents, but it can lead to an unhealthy lifestyle for children in the future. For example, when children refuse to eat, parents often resort to using their phones to entice them to eat, instead of using other methods such as creating a variety of dishes to make the child more interested or engaging with them in a fun atmosphere. This approach not only helps children eat well but also helps them bond with their parents.

Moreover, schools have the responsibility to proactively coordinate with families, not only to impart knowledge but also to rectify unhealthy lifestyles. However, schools often focus solely on imparting knowledge and overlook unhealthy lifestyles. For instance, if a child’s academic performance is below average, the school will organize a parent meeting to coordinate and find methods to teach the child more effectively, but if the student consumes too much candy and is lazy to exercise, the school does not address these issues. Instead, schools should actively educate students about the harmful effects of consuming excessive sweets and encourage them to exercise more for good health.

In conclusion, unhealthy lifestyles are addressed by both schools and parents, as they are formed from birth to adulthood. Therefore, parents and schools must diligently monitor and correct unhealthy habits from an early age to effectively encourage and cultivate positive behaviors.