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Many children these days have an unhealthy lifestyle. Both schools and parents are responsible for solving this problem. To what extent do you agree with this statement.

Many children these days have an unhealthy lifestyle. Both schools and parents are responsible for solving this problem. To what extent do you agree with this statement.

At present, education systems in many countries encourage competition for knowledge, qualifications, and high academic levels, which results in the adaptation of unhealthy lifestyles from young teenagers in order to save more time and convenience for their studying careers. Moreover, the statement that schools and parents play important roles in dealing with this problem is also becoming popular in society. Personally, I completely agree with this opinion and I will list some reasons for which I support this view and explain them in this writing.
First of all, unhealthy lifestyle is indeed being widely adopted by more and more adolescents, the report made by the World Obesity Federation in 2019 also says that the obesity rate in people aged under 20 all over the world has risen by 14% since 2016. The reason for this increase is probably because of the growth in the amount of time spent studying and on screens. Teenagers now tend to do their school works online through electrical devices such as laptop and smartphones due to its convenience, which leads to the tendency to take less time to do physical exercises and outdoor activities. In addition, online entertainment like video games and surfing the internet may create phone addiction. This phenomenon not only affects teenagers’ daily schedules but also results in other problems such as myopia, unstable blood pressure, or problems with the vertebral column.
So, what can schools and families do to solve this issue? A possible way is to educate students and parents about the drawbacks and consequences of internet addiction with the aim of raising awareness and teaching them what they need to do. School can also add more physical education classes to children’s schedule as well as upgrade the facilities of school gyms and thus encourage students to take up new sports like football, swimming, or dodgeball so that students burn more calories, which help them keep in shape and strengthen their muscles and bones. Furthermore, school administrators should focus on the nutrition of lunch meals as well, by providing students with variant kinds of food and asking professional chefs for advice about making food more diverse, young adolescents may be more interested in eating different diets that can give them vitamins, iron, magnesium and other important mineral. This will help the development of student’s physical bodies a lot, especially during children’s puberty.


Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

Errors and Improvements:

  1. "save more time and convenience" -> "save more time and prioritize convenience"
    Explanation: Replacing "save more time and convenience" with "save more time and prioritize convenience" maintains clarity while using a more formal and precise expression.

  2. "Moreover, the statement that schools and parents play important roles" -> "Furthermore, the assertion that schools and parents play pivotal roles"
    Explanation: Substituting "Moreover, the statement that" with "Furthermore, the assertion that" enhances the formality and academic tone of the sentence, using more sophisticated language.

  3. "Personally, I completely agree with this opinion" -> "Personally, I wholeheartedly endorse this viewpoint"
    Explanation: Replacing "I completely agree with this opinion" with "I wholeheartedly endorse this viewpoint" elevates the formality and expresses agreement with a more nuanced and refined vocabulary.

  4. "First of all, unhealthy lifestyle is indeed being widely adopted" -> "First and foremost, an unhealthy lifestyle is indeed becoming prevalent"
    Explanation: Changing "unhealthy lifestyle is indeed being widely adopted" to "an unhealthy lifestyle is indeed becoming prevalent" introduces a more formal and precise expression, aligning with academic style.

  5. "the report made by the World Obesity Federation in 2019" -> "the report issued by the World Obesity Federation in 2019"
    Explanation: Replacing "made by" with "issued by" imparts a more formal tone, adhering to academic writing conventions.

  6. "because of the growth in the amount of time spent studying and on screens" -> "due to the increase in the time devoted to studying and screen activities"
    Explanation: Substituting "because of the growth in the amount of time" with "due to the increase in the time" and rephrasing the remainder enhances formality and precision.

  7. "Teenagers now tend to do their school works online through electrical devices" -> "Teenagers now tend to complete their school assignments online using electronic devices"
    Explanation: Replacing "school works" with "school assignments" and "electrical devices" with "electronic devices" aligns with a more formal and academic language style.

  8. "leads to the tendency to take less time to do physical exercises" -> "results in a reduced inclination to engage in physical exercises"
    Explanation: Changing "leads to the tendency to take less time" to "results in a reduced inclination" improves formality and clarity in expressing the cause-and-effect relationship.

  9. "online entertainment like video games and surfing the internet may create phone addiction" -> "online entertainment such as video games and internet browsing may contribute to smartphone addiction"
    Explanation: Substituting "like" with "such as" and rephrasing the latter part enhances precision and formality in conveying the impact of online entertainment on smartphone addiction.

  10. "School can also add more physical education classes to children’s schedule" -> "Schools can augment the number of physical education classes in children’s schedules"
    Explanation: Changing "School can also add" to "Schools can augment" and rephrasing the rest contributes to a more formal and academically appropriate expression.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

  1. Quoted text: "At present, education systems in many countries encourage competition for knowledge, qualifications, and high academic levels, which results in the adaptation of unhealthy lifestyles from young teenagers in order to save more time and convenience for their studying careers."

    • Explanation and Improvement Suggestions: While your introduction presents a clear stance, it lacks a concise preview of the main points you will discuss. Consider providing a brief roadmap of the reasons supporting your agreement with the statement. For example, mention that you will discuss the impact of academic competition on lifestyle and introduce the role of schools and parents in resolving this issue.
    • Improved example: "At present, education systems in many countries foster intense competition for knowledge and academic qualifications, inadvertently fostering unhealthy lifestyles among teenagers. In this essay, I will delve into the effects of academic pressure on the well-being of students and explore how both schools and parents can play pivotal roles in addressing this issue."
  2. Quoted text: "Teenagers now tend to do their school works online through electrical devices such as laptops and smartphones due to its convenience, which leads to the tendency to take less time to do physical exercises and outdoor activities."

    • Explanation and Improvement Suggestions: Your explanation of the impact of technology on teenagers’ lifestyles is valid. However, to enhance clarity and depth, consider providing specific examples or personal experiences related to the negative consequences of excessive screen time. This will make your argument more convincing and relatable to the reader.
    • Improved example: "Teenagers, lured by the convenience of completing school assignments online using devices like laptops and smartphones, often find themselves allocating less time to physical exercises and outdoor activities. For instance, my younger cousin’s increased screen time for virtual classes has led to a noticeable decline in his outdoor activities, contributing to a sedentary lifestyle."
  3. Quoted text: "A possible way is to educate students and parents about the drawbacks and consequences of internet addiction with the aim of raising awareness and teaching them what they need to do."

    • Explanation and Improvement Suggestions: While your suggestion is valid, it would benefit from a more detailed explanation. Provide specific strategies or programs that schools could implement to educate students and parents. Additionally, consider incorporating personal anecdotes or examples to strengthen your argument and make it more persuasive.
    • Improved example: "One effective strategy is for schools to implement comprehensive educational programs that specifically address the drawbacks and consequences of internet addiction. For instance, organizing workshops or seminars where psychologists or experts share real-life stories of individuals overcoming internet addiction can significantly raise awareness among students and parents. Sharing my own experience of reducing screen time and its positive impact on my overall well-being could further strengthen this argument."

Overall, while your essay addresses the task and presents relevant ideas, incorporating specific examples and refining the introduction could elevate the overall response.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation:
The essay logically organizes information and ideas, maintaining a clear progression throughout. The introduction effectively sets up the argument, and each paragraph focuses on a specific point related to the unhealthy lifestyle issue. The cohesive devices, such as transitional phrases and pronoun referencing, are used appropriately, contributing to the overall coherence of the essay. There is a clear central topic within each paragraph.

However, there are instances of overuse of certain words and phrases, and some sentences could benefit from more varied sentence structures. Additionally, there is room for improvement in the flow between sentences to enhance overall cohesion.

How to improve:

  1. Vary sentence structures to add complexity and fluency.
  2. Use synonyms to avoid repetitive language.
  3. Ensure smoother transitions between sentences for a seamless flow.
  4. Double-check the appropriate use of cohesive devices to maintain a balance.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates an adequate range of vocabulary suitable for the task. There’s an attempt to incorporate less common vocabulary, but accuracy issues occasionally affect word choice and collocation. While there are some errors in word formation and spelling, they don’t significantly impede communication.

How to improve: To enhance the lexical resource, focus on refining the accuracy of less common vocabulary usage and improve word choice and collocation. Review and revise for spelling and word formation errors to further strengthen the clarity and precision of the essay. Additionally, aim for a more diverse range of vocabulary to elevate the lexical richness of the content.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation:
This essay demonstrates a commendable use of a variety of complex structures. There is a good attempt to utilize a wide range of sentence structures, incorporating complex sentences alongside simpler ones. The writer demonstrates the ability to employ different sentence types, contributing to the overall coherence of the essay. The essay also maintains a generally high level of accuracy with grammar and punctuation. There are occasional errors, such as missing articles ("the reason for this increase") and minor issues with parallel structure ("unstable blood pressure, or problems with the vertebral column"), but these do not significantly impede comprehension. Overall, the writer showcases control over grammar and punctuation, generating error-free sentences frequently throughout the essay.

How to improve:
To enhance the grammatical range and accuracy further, the writer could pay attention to article usage consistently throughout the essay. Additionally, ensuring parallel structure in sentences containing lists or comparisons will elevate the overall structural quality. Further, revising the sentence structures to maintain consistency and accuracy would be beneficial.

The essay effectively uses varied sentence structures and maintains a high level of accuracy with occasional errors that do not impede comprehension. With attention to finer details of grammar, punctuation, and sentence structure, the essay could achieve an even higher band score.

Bài sửa mẫu

In the contemporary era, educational systems in numerous countries promote fierce competition for knowledge and academic achievements, leading many young teenagers to adopt unhealthy lifestyles to save time and prioritize convenience in their pursuit of academic success. Additionally, the notion that both schools and parents play pivotal roles in addressing this issue has gained prominence in society. Personally, I wholeheartedly endorse this viewpoint, and I will delineate several reasons supporting my agreement.

First and foremost, an unhealthy lifestyle is indeed becoming prevalent among a growing number of adolescents, as evidenced by a 2019 report from the World Obesity Federation. The report highlights a 14% increase in the global obesity rate among individuals under 20 since 2016. This surge can be attributed to the escalating time devoted to studying and screen activities. Nowadays, teenagers often complete their school assignments online using electronic devices, resulting in a reduced inclination to engage in physical exercises and outdoor activities. Moreover, the prevalence of online entertainment, such as video games and internet browsing, may contribute to smartphone addiction, adversely affecting teenagers’ overall well-being, including issues like myopia, unstable blood pressure, and vertebral column problems.

Addressing this issue requires collaborative efforts from schools and families. One potential approach is to enhance awareness by educating students and parents about the drawbacks and consequences of internet addiction. Schools can contribute by incorporating more physical education classes into children’s schedules and upgrading gym facilities to encourage participation in sports like football, swimming, or dodgeball. This not only helps students burn more calories but also promotes physical fitness, strengthening muscles and bones. Additionally, school administrators should focus on improving the nutritional quality of school meals. By providing a variety of foods and seeking advice from professional chefs, schools can make meals more diverse and appealing to young adolescents. This approach may foster an interest in consuming different diets rich in essential vitamins, iron, magnesium, and other minerals, significantly contributing to the physical development of students, particularly during the critical period of puberty.

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