Many countries aim to improve living standards through economic development, but as a result some important social values are lost. Do you think the advantages of economic development outweigh the disadvantages?

In the contemporary world, the majority of nations consider the increase in economic growth is one of the most feasible ways to ensure the quality of their residents’ lives. Although some believe this tendency could have detrimental impacts since it causes the loss of social values, I maintain that its benefits can outshine its downsides.

During the process of economic development, cultural identity can be lost as a consequence for a number of reasons, the initial of which is westernization and dominant cultural influence. Modernization and globalization often entail the spread of Western cultural norms, values, and lifestyles. Western cultural products such as movies, music, fashion, and consumer goods are widely distributed and consumed around the world, leading to the assimilation of Western cultural elements into local cultures and the marginalization of indigenous or traditional cultural practices. Urbanization is another reason for the lost cultural values. Economic development is often accompanied by urbanization and rural-to-urban migration in search of better economic opportunities, leading to changes in lifestyle and cultural practices. In urban areas, distinct traditional cultural activities may be lost as people adapt to urban lifestyles and norms and blend with urban culture.

On the other hand, economic development can improve people's quality of life through better infrastructure and more job opportunities. As economies develop and grow, there is often an increase in public and private investment in infrastructure projects. Governments may allocate more funds towards building or upgrading roads leading to reduced commute times and enhanced connectivity and accessibility for communities, contributing to improved quality of life for individuals and communities.Moreover, economic development often stimulates industries to expand and new businesses emerge, there is a growing demand for labor, resulting in more job opportunities. This allows individuals to secure employment and earn income to afford better housing, healthcare, education, and other essential goods and services.

In conclusion, although economic development can be disadvantageous because it leads to the loss of cultural values through westernization and urbanization, I see the better infrastructure and more employment opportunities it brings about is more significant.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

Errors and Improvements:

"consider the increase in economic growth is" -> "regard the increase in economic growth as"
Explanation: The phrase "consider the increase in economic growth is" is redundant and awkward. "Regard" is a more formal and precise verb choice in academic writing, and "as" clarifies the relationship between the action and the object.
"since it causes the loss of social values" -> "as it leads to the erosion of social values"
Explanation: "Loss" is appropriate, but "erosion" is a more precise and formal term for describing the gradual decline of social values. Additionally, "since" is somewhat informal, whereas "as" is more suitable in academic writing to denote causality.
"I maintain that its benefits can outshine its downsides" -> "I contend that its benefits outweigh its drawbacks"
Explanation: While "maintain" is acceptable, "contend" is a stronger and more assertive verb choice in academic discourse. "Outshine" is slightly informal; "outweigh" is a more formal and precise alternative in this context.
"cultural identity can be lost as a consequence for a number of reasons" -> "cultural identity may be compromised due to various factors"
Explanation: "Lost as a consequence for" is awkward and not idiomatic. "May be compromised due to" is a more natural and formal expression. "A number of reasons" can be replaced with "various factors" for conciseness and clarity.
"the initial of which is" -> "primarily due to"
Explanation: "The initial of which is" is overly verbose and not idiomatic. "Primarily due to" is a concise and formal phrase to introduce the main reason.
"Western cultural products such as movies, music, fashion, and consumer goods" -> "Western cultural artifacts such as films, music, fashion, and consumer products"
Explanation: "Products" is a bit generic; "artifacts" is a more formal and precise term. "Movies" can be replaced with "films" for a more sophisticated tone.
"marginalization of indigenous or traditional cultural practices" -> "diminishment of indigenous or traditional cultural practices"
Explanation: "Marginalization" is appropriate, but "diminishment" is a more formal synonym.
"distinct traditional cultural activities may be lost" -> "distinctive traditional cultural activities may disappear"
Explanation: "Lost" is acceptable, but "disappear" is a more formal and impactful alternative.
"urbanization and rural-to-urban migration" -> "urbanization and the migration of rural populations to urban areas"
Explanation: The original phrase is somewhat fragmented. Rearranging it for clarity and adding "the migration of rural populations to urban areas" provides additional specificity.
"leading to changes in lifestyle and cultural practices" -> "resulting in changes to lifestyle and cultural practices"
Explanation: "Leading to" can be replaced with "resulting in" for a more formal and direct expression of causality.
"blend with urban culture" -> "assimilate into urban culture"
Explanation: "Blend with" is slightly informal; "assimilate into" is a more formal and precise term in this context.
"there is often an increase in public and private investment" -> "often sees an increase in public and private investment"
Explanation: "There is often" can be replaced with "often sees" for a more active and concise sentence structure.
"governments may allocate more funds towards building" -> "governments may allocate more funds to build"
Explanation: "Towards building" can be simplified to "to build" without changing the meaning, making the sentence more direct.
"enhanced connectivity and accessibility for communities" -> "improved connectivity and accessibility within communities"
Explanation: "Enhanced" and "improved" are interchangeable, but "improved" is slightly more formal. "For communities" can be adjusted to "within communities" for clarity.
"contributing to improved quality of life for individuals and communities" -> "contributing to an enhanced quality of life for individuals and communities"
Explanation: "Improved" can be replaced with "enhanced" for variety and formality. Adding "an" before "enhanced quality of life" improves grammatical correctness and clarity.
"economic development often stimulates industries to expand" -> "economic development often spurs the expansion of industries"
Explanation: "Stimulates" is appropriate, but "spurs" is a more active and formal synonym.
"resulting in more job opportunities" -> "leading to a proliferation of job opportunities"
Explanation: "Resulting in" can be replaced with "leading to" for variety. "Proliferation" is a more formal term than "more" in this context.
"This allows individuals to secure employment" -> "This enables individuals to secure employment"
Explanation: "Allows" is acceptable, but "enables" is a more formal and precise term.
"more significant" -> "more noteworthy"
Explanation: "Significant" is slightly informal; "noteworthy" is a more formal and impactful synonym.

By implementing these changes, the essay maintains its academic tone while utilizing more precise and formal vocabulary.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses all components of the prompt. It discusses both the advantages and disadvantages of economic development in relation to the loss of social values. The introduction introduces the topic and the writer’s stance clearly. Throughout the essay, there is a balanced discussion of how economic growth can lead to the erosion of cultural identity while also acknowledging the benefits it brings.
- How to improve: To further enhance the response, consider providing more specific examples or cases where social values have been compromised due to economic development. Additionally, ensure that the conclusion reinforces the importance of addressing both sides of the argument to present a well-rounded viewpoint.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position throughout, asserting that the benefits of economic development outweigh the disadvantages. This stance is evident in the introduction, and the subsequent paragraphs consistently support this viewpoint with relevant arguments and examples.
- How to improve: To strengthen the clarity of the position, consider explicitly stating the writer’s stance in each body paragraph’s topic sentence. This will reinforce the consistency of the argument and help readers follow the essay’s logic more easily.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively presents, extends, and supports ideas with relevant examples and explanations. Each paragraph is well-developed, providing detailed explanations of how economic development impacts cultural values and quality of life. The use of specific examples, such as westernization and urbanization, enhances the depth of the discussion.
- How to improve: To further extend ideas, consider exploring potential counterarguments or alternative perspectives. This can enrich the analysis and demonstrate a more nuanced understanding of the topic. Additionally, ensure that each supporting point directly contributes to the overall argument, avoiding any tangential discussions that may distract from the main thesis.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay stays on topic by focusing on the relationship between economic development and the loss of social values, as outlined in the prompt. Each paragraph contributes to this central theme, discussing various aspects such as westernization, urbanization, infrastructure development, and employment opportunities.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, ensure that all examples and arguments directly relate to the impact of economic development on social values. Avoid introducing irrelevant information or digressing into unrelated topics, as this can detract from the essay’s coherence and clarity. Additionally, use transitions effectively to connect ideas and maintain a cohesive flow throughout the essay.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a generally logical organization of information. It begins with an introduction that sets up the discussion, followed by two body paragraphs discussing the advantages and disadvantages of economic development. Each paragraph presents a clear main idea and supports it with relevant examples and explanations. The conclusion effectively summarizes the main points without introducing new information.
- How to improve: To enhance logical organization further, ensure that each paragraph follows a clear topic sentence and maintains a coherent focus on its main idea throughout. Additionally, consider using transitional phrases to smoothly guide the reader from one idea to the next, enhancing the overall flow of the essay.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively uses paragraphs to structure its argument. Each paragraph addresses a specific aspect of the topic, such as the loss of cultural values or the benefits of economic development, contributing to the clarity of the argument. Within paragraphs, ideas are presented logically, with each paragraph beginning with a clear topic sentence that introduces the main point.
- How to improve: While the essay’s paragraphing is generally effective, ensure that each paragraph contains a sufficient number of supporting details and examples to fully develop its main idea. Additionally, consider varying the length and structure of paragraphs to maintain reader engagement and enhance overall coherence.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs a variety of cohesive devices to connect ideas and enhance coherence. Examples include transitional phrases like "on the other hand" and "in conclusion," which help to indicate shifts between different points of argumentation. Additionally, pronouns such as "its" and "this" are used effectively to refer back to previously mentioned concepts, aiding in the smooth progression of ideas.
- How to improve: While the essay demonstrates a good use of cohesive devices, consider incorporating a wider range of linking words and phrases to further strengthen the connections between ideas. This could include using synonyms for commonly used transitional phrases or integrating more complex cohesive devices such as parallel structure or subordinating conjunctions to add depth to the argumentation. Additionally, ensure that cohesive devices are used consistently throughout the essay to maintain coherence.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, including terms related to economic development ("modernization," "globalization"), cultural influence ("westernization"), and social values ("cultural identity," "lifestyle"). Additionally, it utilizes vocabulary related to infrastructure ("public and private investment," "connectivity") and employment ("job opportunities," "labor"). However, there is some repetition in the use of certain terms, such as "economic development," which could be diversified for a richer lexical variety.
- How to improve: To enhance the lexical range, consider incorporating synonyms or alternative expressions for frequently used terms. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "economic development," try employing phrases like "socioeconomic progress," "financial advancement," or "industrial growth" where appropriate. Furthermore, introducing specialized vocabulary or idiomatic expressions related to the topic can elevate the sophistication of language use.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally employs vocabulary with moderate precision. For example, terms like "westernization," "urbanization," and "assimilation" are used accurately to convey specific concepts related to cultural transformation and societal change. However, there are instances of slightly imprecise vocabulary usage, such as the phrase "initial of which is westernization" where "initial" may not be the most precise word choice. Additionally, some expressions could be more refined to avoid ambiguity or vagueness.
- How to improve: To enhance precision, ensure that each word or phrase chosen precisely reflects the intended meaning. Consider substituting vague terms with more specific alternatives and paying attention to contextual appropriateness. For instance, instead of "initial," consider using "primary factor" or "first reason" for clarity. Moreover, clarify any ambiguous expressions or refine them to convey the intended message more accurately.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: Spelling accuracy in the essay is generally satisfactory, with no significant errors observed. However, there are a few instances where minor typographical errors or inconsistencies are present, such as missing spaces after punctuation marks ("Western cultural norms,values") and occasional misspellings ("feasible ways" instead of "feasible way").
- How to improve: To maintain consistent spelling accuracy, proofreading the essay carefully after writing can help identify and correct any typographical errors or misspellings. Additionally, utilizing spelling and grammar checking tools available in word processing software can assist in ensuring accurate spelling throughout the essay. Developing a habit of revising written work attentively before submission can contribute to improved spelling precision over time.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable variety of sentence structures, including complex and compound sentences alongside simpler ones. For instance, it effectively utilizes complex structures such as "During the process of economic development, cultural identity can be lost as a consequence for a number of reasons," showcasing the ability to construct sentences with subordinate clauses. Moreover, the essay employs parallel structures ("Western cultural products such as movies, music, fashion, and consumer goods are widely distributed and consumed around the world") to enhance coherence and clarity.
- How to improve: To further enhance the richness of sentence structures, consider incorporating more intricate constructions such as conditional sentences or inversion for emphasis. Additionally, vary the length of sentences to maintain reader engagement and flow. Introducing rhetorical devices like rhetorical questions or appositives can also add sophistication to the essay’s structure.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a strong command of grammar and punctuation overall. Sentences are structured correctly, and verb tense consistency is maintained throughout. For example, "In conclusion, although economic development can be disadvantageous because it leads to the loss of cultural values through westernization and urbanization, I see the better infrastructure and more employment opportunities it brings about is more significant" exemplifies proper subject-verb agreement and parallelism. Punctuation marks are appropriately used to indicate pauses, separate clauses, and clarify meaning.
- How to improve: While the essay showcases proficiency in grammar and punctuation, attention to minor errors such as subject-verb agreement in complex sentences or consistency in punctuation usage across the essay could further elevate its accuracy. Consider revising sentences like "I see the better infrastructure and more employment opportunities it brings about is more significant" to "I believe that the improvements in infrastructure and the increase in job opportunities it brings about are more significant," ensuring agreement between subjects and verbs. Additionally, double-check the use of commas and semicolons for consistency and correctness.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong grasp of grammatical range and accuracy, incorporating varied sentence structures effectively while maintaining a high level of grammatical precision. With continued attention to detail and refinement, the writer can further enhance the sophistication and coherence of their writing.

Bài sửa mẫu

In the modern era, many nations regard the increase in economic growth as crucial for enhancing their residents’ quality of life. While some argue that this trend may lead to the erosion of social values, I believe that its advantages outweigh the disadvantages.

During economic development, cultural identity can indeed be at risk due to several factors. Firstly, there’s the influence of Westernization and dominant cultural norms. Modernization and globalization often spread Western cultural ideas, like movies, music, and fashion, which can overshadow indigenous traditions. Additionally, urbanization, a common consequence of economic growth, can lead to the loss of traditional practices as people adapt to urban lifestyles.

However, economic development also brings significant benefits. It enhances people’s lives by providing better infrastructure and more job opportunities. As economies expand, there’s usually increased investment in infrastructure projects, such as roads, leading to improved connectivity and reduced commute times. This contributes to a better quality of life for individuals and communities alike. Furthermore, economic growth stimulates job creation as industries expand and new businesses emerge, providing individuals with employment opportunities to afford better housing, healthcare, and education.

In conclusion, while economic development may result in the loss of cultural values, particularly through Westernization and urbanization, the improvements in infrastructure and employment opportunities it offers are more noteworthy.