Many governments have laws that ban the sale and use of hard drugs such as heroin and cocaine, yet they allow people to buy drugs such as tobacco and alcohol. Laws that prohibit the sale and use of hard drugs should be applied to all drugs, including tobacco and alcohol. What is your opinion?
Many governments have laws that ban the sale and use of hard drugs such as heroin and cocaine, yet they allow people to buy drugs such as tobacco and alcohol. Laws that prohibit the sale and use of hard drugs should be applied to all drugs, including tobacco and alcohol. What is your opinion?
Many authorities worldwide have implemented bans on the commercial sale and use of detrimental drugs such as heroin and cocaine, while other drugs such as tobacco and alcohol are legal for sales and use. While there may be several reasons for the complete prohibition of all harmful drugs, I would argue that this should not be the case for tobacco and alcohol regarding the economical benefits and the potential associated consequences.
On one hand, advocates of complete bans on all harmful drugs argue for health benefits and well-being of the community. It is clear that hard drugs, namely heroin and cocaine, pose deadly threats to human health. In fact, many deaths of drug overdose have been recorded where such substances are available. Illustratively, loose regulations of selling and using such drugs in the United States have resulted in thousands of deaths annually. Similarly, the complete prohibition of tobacco and alcohol would in turn reduce mortality rates, since loyal buyers of such drugs are prone to serious respiratory illnesses, or committing crimes under the influence of alcohol.
On the other hand, I believe that a complete ban on tobacco and alcohol would bring more cons than pros for the community as a whole. Regarding its economic importance in many countries, the tobacco and alcohol industries generate the main national income, and serve as the sole livelihoods of millions of people. Therefore, if a total ban is implemented, mass unemployment and economic stagnation will occur, resulting in instant poverty and starvation for those countries relying on such industries. Consequently, the overall quality of life will be negatively affected, preventing the ongoing development of the nation and the well-being of the population.
In conclusion, since tobacco and alcohol production serve as the lifeline industries of many countries, I strongly argue against the complete prohibition of such drugs, considering the severe consequences it may cause in terms of the economy and people’s livelihoods.
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Errors and Improvements:
- "detrimental drugs" -> "harmful substances"
Explanation: "detrimental" is somewhat informal and lacks precision. "Harmful substances" is a more neutral and academically appropriate term. - "complete prohibition" -> "total prohibition"
Explanation: "complete" is slightly redundant here; "total" is more concise and formal. - "loyal buyers" -> "regular consumers"
Explanation: "loyal" implies a positive sentiment that might not be suitable in this context. "Regular consumers" is a neutral term. - "mass unemployment" -> "widespread unemployment"
Explanation: "mass" can be seen as less formal in academic writing. "Widespread" is a more appropriate choice. - "instant poverty" -> "immediate poverty"
Explanation: "instant" can sound too colloquial; "immediate" is more suitable in formal contexts. - "since" -> "Given that"
Explanation: "Since" might be interpreted as causal, while "Given that" introduces a condition more formally. - "lifeline industries" -> "vital industries"
Explanation: "Lifeline" is a bit informal for this context. "Vital" conveys the importance of these industries in a more formal manner.
Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8
Band Score for Task Response: 8
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Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay adequately addresses all parts of the prompt. It discusses the contrast between the prohibition of hard drugs like heroin and cocaine and the legality of substances like tobacco and alcohol. The writer presents arguments both for and against extending prohibition to include tobacco and alcohol, demonstrating a comprehensive understanding of the issue.
- How to improve: To further enhance the response, consider providing a brief recap of the question in the introduction to establish clarity and ensure alignment with the task. Additionally, expanding on the potential consequences of extending prohibition to include tobacco and alcohol could enrich the analysis.
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Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear and consistent stance throughout. The writer initially presents a nuanced view, acknowledging arguments for a complete ban on harmful drugs while ultimately opposing the extension of prohibition to include tobacco and alcohol. Each paragraph reinforces this position, with well-developed arguments and supporting evidence.
- How to improve: To strengthen the clarity of the position, consider explicitly stating the writer’s stance in the introduction and conclusion to provide a cohesive framework for the essay.
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Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively presents, extends, and supports ideas with logical reasoning and relevant examples. Each paragraph is well-structured, with a clear topic sentence followed by elaboration and evidence. The writer demonstrates critical thinking skills by considering both sides of the argument before articulating a reasoned conclusion.
- How to improve: To further enhance idea development, consider providing additional examples or statistics to bolster arguments and lend credibility to the analysis. Additionally, ensure that each idea is fully developed and connected to the main thesis to maintain coherence throughout the essay.
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Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay largely stays on topic, addressing the central issue of whether laws prohibiting the sale and use of hard drugs should extend to include tobacco and alcohol. While the writer briefly discusses the economic implications of a complete ban, these points are directly related to the overarching argument and do not detract from the coherence of the essay.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, ensure that all points contribute directly to the argument presented in response to the prompt. While tangential discussions can enrich the analysis, they should ultimately serve to reinforce the central thesis rather than diverge from it.
Overall, this essay demonstrates strong analytical skills, effective organization, and a clear understanding of the prompt. By further refining the clarity of the position, developing ideas with additional evidence, and maintaining focus throughout, the writer can elevate the coherence and persuasiveness of their argument.
Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6
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Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a clear organizational structure, with distinct introduction, body paragraphs discussing different viewpoints, and a conclusion summarizing the argument. Each paragraph contains a topic sentence that introduces the main idea, followed by supporting points and examples. For instance, the introduction sets up the discussion by outlining the contrasting regulations on different drugs, followed by separate paragraphs presenting arguments for and against a complete ban on all harmful substances.
- How to improve: While the essay effectively presents contrasting viewpoints, enhancing the transitions between paragraphs could further improve logical coherence. Utilizing transitional phrases such as "on one hand," "on the other hand," "however," or "consequently" can help guide the reader through the essay’s structure more smoothly.
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Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay is well-structured into clear paragraphs, each addressing a specific aspect of the argument. The introduction provides an overview of the topic, while subsequent paragraphs focus on presenting arguments for and against the complete prohibition of all harmful drugs. Each paragraph maintains a cohesive focus on its main idea, supported by relevant examples and reasoning.
- How to improve: To further enhance paragraph cohesion, ensure that each paragraph maintains a unified theme and transitions logically to the next. Consider revisiting the topic sentences to ensure they effectively introduce the main idea of each paragraph and reflect the overall argumentative structure of the essay.
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Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay utilizes a variety of cohesive devices to connect ideas within and between sentences and paragraphs. Examples include cohesive devices such as "while," "on one hand," "on the other hand," "therefore," and "consequently," which help clarify the relationships between different arguments and maintain coherence throughout the essay.
- How to improve: While the essay effectively incorporates cohesive devices, incorporating a wider range of transitional phrases and synonyms can further enrich the essay’s coherence. Experiment with using diverse connectors and synonyms to avoid repetition and enhance the flow of ideas.
Overall, the essay demonstrates a solid organizational structure and effective use of cohesive devices to maintain coherence and cohesion. To further enhance these aspects, focus on refining transitions between paragraphs and expanding the variety of cohesive devices used throughout the essay.
Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 8
Band Score for Lexical Resource: 8
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Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable range of vocabulary, particularly in discussing the topic of drug regulation and its implications. Examples include "advocates," "complete prohibition," "economic stagnation," "mass unemployment," and "severe consequences." These terms effectively convey the writer’s arguments and provide clarity to the discussion.
- How to improve: While the vocabulary usage is generally strong, incorporating more nuanced or specialized terminology related to drug policy, economics, or public health could enhance the depth of analysis. For instance, instead of simply stating "severe consequences," the writer could specify the potential socioeconomic impacts in greater detail, such as "disruption of supply chains" or "exacerbation of health inequalities."
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Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally employs vocabulary with precision, effectively conveying the intended meanings. For instance, phrases like "complete prohibition," "economic stagnation," and "mortality rates" are used accurately to describe specific concepts related to drug policy and its effects. However, there are instances where the language could be more precise. For example, when discussing the economic impact of banning tobacco and alcohol, the term "economic stagnation" could be further clarified to specify how the loss of revenue from these industries might affect GDP growth or investment in other sectors.
- How to improve: To enhance precision, it would be beneficial to utilize domain-specific terminology where appropriate. For instance, instead of using broad terms like "economic stagnation," the writer could employ more precise terms such as "recession," "contraction," or "trade deficit" to describe the potential economic consequences of banning tobacco and alcohol.
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Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates generally correct spelling throughout, with no glaring errors detracting from readability or comprehension. Common words are spelled accurately, contributing to the overall clarity of the writing.
- How to improve: While there are no significant spelling errors, maintaining vigilance in proofreading to catch any minor errors or typos can further enhance the professionalism and polish of the essay. Additionally, utilizing spell-checking tools or seeking feedback from peers can help identify and correct any overlooked spelling mistakes.
Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7
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Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable range of sentence structures. Complex sentences are utilized effectively throughout, incorporating clauses and phrases to convey nuanced ideas. For instance, the opening sentence employs a compound sentence structure to introduce the contrasting stance on drug regulations: "Many authorities worldwide have implemented bans on the commercial sale and use of detrimental drugs such as heroin and cocaine, while other drugs such as tobacco and alcohol are legal for sales and use."
- How to improve: While the essay displays proficient use of varied sentence structures, enhancing the diversity further by incorporating occasional complex compound sentences or employing rhetorical devices like parallelism could elevate the sophistication of expression.
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Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong command of grammar and punctuation. Sentences are constructed with precision, and punctuation marks are appropriately used to guide the reader and clarify meaning. For example, in the sentence, "Similarly, the complete prohibition of tobacco and alcohol would in turn reduce mortality rates, since loyal buyers of such drugs are prone to serious respiratory illnesses, or committing crimes under the influence of alcohol," the correct placement of commas aids in clarifying the relationship between clauses.
- How to improve: While the essay maintains a high level of grammatical accuracy, occasional errors in subject-verb agreement and article usage could be addressed through careful proofreading. Additionally, paying attention to the consistency of tense usage throughout the essay would further enhance clarity and coherence.
Overall, the essay effectively employs a variety of sentence structures and demonstrates a strong command of grammar and punctuation, contributing to its cohesive and articulate presentation. To further enhance grammatical range and accuracy, continued practice in diversifying sentence structures and meticulous proofreading for grammatical errors would be beneficial.
Bài sửa mẫu
Many governments globally have enacted laws prohibiting the sale and use of harmful substances like heroin and cocaine, while permitting the sale and consumption of tobacco and alcohol. The proposition to extend these restrictions to all substances, including tobacco and alcohol, is a topic of debate. In my view, while there are valid reasons for prohibiting all harmful substances, such an approach may not be practical due to economic considerations and potential adverse consequences.
Advocates of a blanket ban on all harmful substances argue for the health and well-being of society. It is evident that hard drugs like heroin and cocaine pose significant health risks, often leading to fatal overdoses. For instance, the lax regulations surrounding these substances in certain regions have resulted in thousands of deaths annually. Similarly, the unrestricted availability of tobacco and alcohol contributes to respiratory illnesses and increases the likelihood of criminal behavior under the influence of alcohol.
However, I contend that a complete ban on tobacco and alcohol would have more drawbacks than benefits for society. These industries play a vital role in the economies of many countries, serving as major sources of national income and employment for millions. Therefore, implementing a total ban would lead to widespread unemployment and economic downturns, plunging communities into poverty and hunger. Consequently, the overall standard of living would suffer, impeding the nation’s progress and the well-being of its citizens.
In conclusion, while it is important to address the harms associated with drug use, particularly hard drugs, a blanket prohibition on all harmful substances like tobacco and alcohol may not be feasible. The economic ramifications and impact on people’s livelihoods must be carefully considered before enacting such stringent measures.
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