Many manufactured food and drink products contain high levels of sugar which causes many health problems. Sugary products should be made more expensive to encourage people to consume less sugar. Do you agree or disagree?

In modern times, an excess of sugar in processed food and drink products makes a significant contribution to the uptick in health problems. However, I totally disagree that the increase in the price of commodities containing high levels of sugar should be authorized by the government.
On the one hand, there is no denying the fact that the excessive consumption of products that are rich in sweeteners results in numerous well-being problems. This is predicated on an upward trend in teenagers subject to obesity and depression who claim to prematurely consume noticeable sugary food and drinks. Studies also expose the adverse impact of sweeteners on the efficiency at work for adults and at study for youngsters. While human beings tend to indulge themselves in products containing much sugar to mitigate their pressure, there is a reliance that makes people associated with emotional non-control and greater stress after consuming sweeteners.
On the other hand, the idea that restricting the superfluous consumption of sugary products is conducted by raising the expense on them indicates disadvantages to the national economy. It is because sweeteners in food and drink are associated with the food processing industry, the international investment into this field will be adversely influenced if the government readily cut down on the price of them. In other words, the revenues of businesses potentially fluctuate and as a result, there is an upheaval linked to economic and political status.
To sum up, albeit manufactured products containing an excessive level of sugar greatly contribute to the risk of coming under health problems, it is disadvantageous to mitigate the residents’ consumption by raising the price of these products.

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Errors and Improvements:

"excess of sugar" -> "abundance of sugar"
Explanation: "Excess" implies more than what is necessary or desirable, whereas "abundance" denotes a plentiful or excessive quantity in a more formal manner, aligning better with academic style.
"totally disagree" -> "strongly disagree"
Explanation: "Totally" is overly informal for academic writing. "Strongly" provides a more formal and precise degree of disagreement.
"authorized by the government" -> "sanctioned by the government"
Explanation: "Authorized" is more commonly associated with granting permission, while "sanctioned" implies official approval or endorsement, which better fits the context of government action.
"On the one hand" -> "Firstly"
Explanation: "On the one hand" is more conversational, whereas "Firstly" is a more structured and formal transition commonly used in academic writing.
"predicated on" -> "based on"
Explanation: "Predicated on" is slightly less formal and more uncommon compared to "based on," which is a straightforward and widely understood phrase.
"teenagers subject to obesity and depression" -> "adolescents susceptible to obesity and depression"
Explanation: "Subject to" is not incorrect but "susceptible to" is more precise and formal, indicating vulnerability or predisposition.
"prematurely consume noticeable sugary food and drinks" -> "consume sugary food and drinks excessively at a young age"
Explanation: "Prematurely consume noticeable" is awkward and less precise. Replacing it with "consume…excessively at a young age" clarifies the meaning in a more formal manner.
"Studies also expose" -> "Studies also reveal"
Explanation: "Expose" suggests revealing something negative or harmful, while "reveal" is a neutral and more common term for presenting findings in academic writing.
"efficiency at work for adults and at study for youngsters" -> "work efficiency for adults and academic performance for youths"
Explanation: Restructuring the phrase for clarity and formality, using "academic performance" instead of "study" and "youths" instead of "youngsters."
"indulge themselves in products containing much sugar" -> "indulge in sugar-laden products"
Explanation: "Indulge themselves in products containing much sugar" is verbose and awkward. "Indulge in sugar-laden products" is concise and more elegant.
"a reliance that makes people associated with emotional non-control" -> "a dependency linked to emotional instability"
Explanation: "Reliance that makes people associated with emotional non-control" is unclear and lacks precision. "Dependency linked to emotional instability" provides a clearer and more formal expression.
"an upheaval linked to economic and political status" -> "disruptions affecting economic and political stability"
Explanation: "Upheaval linked to economic and political status" is ambiguous. "Disruptions affecting economic and political stability" is clearer and more precise.
"mitigate the residents’ consumption" -> "reduce the populace’s consumption"
Explanation: "Mitigate the residents’ consumption" is awkward and less clear. "Reduce the populace’s consumption" is more straightforward and formal.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Task Response: 6

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay adequately addresses the prompt by acknowledging the health problems associated with high sugar consumption and presenting a clear stance against increasing the price of sugary products to reduce consumption. It discusses both sides of the argument but ultimately disagrees with the proposal to make sugary products more expensive.
- How to improve: While the essay covers both aspects of the issue, it could enhance its response by providing more specific examples or data to support its arguments. Additionally, it could delve deeper into the potential consequences of making sugary products more expensive and how these might affect different segments of the population.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position throughout, consistently arguing against the proposal to increase the price of sugary products. The stance is evident from the introduction to the conclusion, with each paragraph reinforcing the author’s viewpoint.
- How to improve: To further enhance clarity, the essay could explicitly state the author’s stance in the introduction and reiterate it in the conclusion for emphasis. This would ensure that the reader has a clear understanding of the author’s position from the outset.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas regarding the health implications of consuming sugary products and the potential economic consequences of making them more expensive. However, it lacks depth in its development and support of these ideas. While it briefly mentions studies and economic impacts, it does not provide specific examples or detailed explanations to fully elucidate these points.
- How to improve: To strengthen the essay, the author should provide more concrete examples, statistics, or case studies to support their arguments. Additionally, they could elaborate on the mechanisms through which sugary products affect health and delve into the economic implications in more detail.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay mostly stays on topic by discussing the health problems associated with sugary products and the proposal to increase their price. However, it briefly touches on the impact of sweeteners on work efficiency and stress levels, which is somewhat tangential to the main argument.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, the author should refrain from introducing tangential points and instead concentrate on directly addressing the prompt. They can achieve this by ensuring that each paragraph relates directly to the central argument and avoiding unnecessary detours.

Overall, while the essay effectively presents a clear stance against increasing the price of sugary products and addresses the main points of the prompt, it would benefit from providing more specific evidence and staying closely focused on the topic at hand.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a logical organization of information, with clear progression from introducing the topic to presenting arguments for both sides of the issue. The introduction sets the stage by addressing the topic and the writer’s stance. Each body paragraph presents a distinct argument, supported by examples and reasoning. The conclusion effectively summarizes the main points without introducing new information.
- How to improve: While the logical organization is generally effective, enhancing the transitions between paragraphs could further improve coherence. Consider using transitional phrases or sentences to smoothly guide the reader from one point to the next.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively employs paragraphs to organize ideas. Each paragraph focuses on a specific aspect of the argument, such as the health implications of sugary products and the potential economic impact of making them more expensive. The paragraphs are adequately developed, with clear topic sentences and supporting details.
- How to improve: To further strengthen paragraph structure, ensure that each paragraph maintains unity and coherence. Avoid introducing unrelated ideas within paragraphs and consider revising any sentences that may distract from the main argument.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay utilizes cohesive devices to connect ideas and enhance coherence. Examples include transitional phrases like "On the one hand" and "On the other hand," which signal shifts between opposing viewpoints. Additionally, cohesive devices such as pronouns ("this," "it") help maintain coherence by referencing previously mentioned concepts.
- How to improve: While the essay demonstrates proficiency in using cohesive devices, expanding the variety of connectors and transitions could further enhance cohesion. Consider incorporating a wider range of cohesive devices, such as conjunctions ("however," "therefore") and discourse markers ("furthermore," "in conclusion"), to establish stronger connections between ideas and improve overall coherence.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 7

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable range of vocabulary, with varied word choices throughout. For instance, synonyms such as "excess," "superfluous," "predicated," and "advantageous" enrich the essay’s lexical diversity. Additionally, the author employs a mix of formal and informal language, enhancing the overall sophistication of the vocabulary.
- How to improve: To further enhance the lexical resource, consider incorporating more specialized terminology related to health, economics, and public policy. For example, instead of repeatedly using "sugar," the author could utilize terms like "sucrose," "fructose," or "sweeteners" to add depth and precision to the discussion.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally uses vocabulary with precision, effectively conveying the intended meaning. For instance, phrases like "excessive consumption," "restricting the superfluous consumption," and "adversely influenced" accurately articulate the writer’s arguments. However, there are instances where vocabulary could be more precise, such as the use of "superfluous" in the context of consumption, which could be replaced with a term like "excessive" or "unnecessary" for clearer communication.
- How to improve: Continuously strive for precision in word choice to avoid any ambiguity or confusion. Consider consulting a thesaurus or conducting additional research to find the most fitting terms for conveying specific ideas.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: Spelling accuracy in the essay is generally sound, with minimal errors observed. However, there are a few instances where minor spelling errors occur, such as "sweeteners" spelled as "sweetners." While these errors do not significantly detract from the overall readability of the essay, attention to detail in spelling is essential for maintaining professionalism and clarity.
- How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, consider utilizing spell-check tools or proofreading techniques to identify and correct any misspelled words before finalizing the essay. Additionally, reviewing commonly misspelled words and practicing spelling exercises can help reinforce proper spelling conventions.

Overall, the essay demonstrates strong lexical resource, with a diverse vocabulary and generally precise usage. By further refining vocabulary choices and ensuring spelling accuracy, the author can elevate the clarity and sophistication of their writing, potentially achieving an even higher band score in the lexical resource criteria.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable variety of sentence structures, incorporating complex sentences alongside simpler ones. For instance, it effectively employs compound sentences ("This is predicated on an upward trend in teenagers subject to obesity and depression who claim to prematurely consume noticeable sugary food and drinks.") as well as conditional structures ("While human beings tend to indulge themselves in products containing much sugar to mitigate their pressure, there is a reliance that makes people associated with emotional non-control and greater stress after consuming sweeteners."). However, there is a tendency towards overly complex phrasing in some instances, which could potentially impede clarity.
- How to improve: To enhance clarity and coherence, consider simplifying overly complex sentences, particularly when conveying key arguments. Additionally, strive for a more balanced distribution of sentence lengths to maintain reader engagement.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong command of grammar and punctuation. However, there are a few instances where minor errors occur, such as incorrect verb tense agreement ("Studies also expose the adverse impact of sweeteners on the efficiency at work for adults and at study for youngsters.") and awkward phrasing ("…mitigate their pressure, there is a reliance that makes people associated with emotional non-control and greater stress after consuming sweeteners."). Additionally, some sentences could benefit from clearer punctuation to improve readability.
- How to improve: Pay closer attention to subject-verb agreement to ensure consistency throughout the essay. Additionally, consider revising sentences for clarity and coherence, particularly when expressing complex ideas. Finally, ensure consistent and appropriate use of punctuation marks to facilitate comprehension for the reader.

Bài sửa mẫu

In contemporary society, an abundance of sugar in processed food and beverages significantly contributes to various health issues. However, I strongly disagree with the notion that increasing the price of items high in sugar content should be sanctioned by the government.

Firstly, it is undeniable that excessive consumption of sugary products leads to numerous health problems. Adolescents, in particular, are susceptible to obesity and depression due to premature indulgence in sugary foods and drinks. Studies also reveal the negative impact of sugar on work efficiency for adults and academic performance for youths. Despite individuals often turning to sugary products to alleviate stress, this dependency is linked to emotional instability and increased stress levels.

Nevertheless, implementing higher prices on sugary products to deter excessive consumption poses drawbacks to the national economy. Such products are integral to the food processing industry, and government intervention in their pricing could adversely affect international investment in this sector. Consequently, businesses’ revenues may fluctuate, leading to economic and political instability.

In conclusion, while products high in sugar content contribute to health risks, it is disadvantageous to reduce consumption by increasing their price.