Many people say that we now live in ‘consumer societies’ where money and possessions are given too much importance. Others believe that ‘consumer culture’ has played a vital role in improving our lives. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

Many people say that we now live in 'consumer societies' where money and possessions are given too much importance. Others believe that ‘consumer culture’ has played a vital role in improving our lives.
Discuss both views and give your opinion.

There is a widespread belief that modern societies have become excessively consumer-driven, where money and possessions are overemphasized. Alternatively, many hold that the consumer culture prevalent today has been instrumental in enhancing our living standards. This essay will explore both perspectives, with a focus on consumerism, and give the writer’s opinions.
On the one hand, the importance placed on financial wealth and assets is both beneficial and problematic if it goes to the extreme. Admittedly, those who own lots of possessions in society are those who have more power, politically and financially. However, the pursuit of material success often leads individuals to adopt a leveraging approach, encouraging them to take extreme measures in the hope of substantial gains, which not only exacerbates personal risks but also widens the socioeconomic gap. A vivid example is seen in South Korea, where the disparity between the affluent and the less fortunate is starkly visible, leading to a society where wealth often equates to enhanced power and respect.
Conversely, consumer culture is widely believed to account for the recent enhancement in life quality as it delivers a great sense of satisfaction. Nowadays, adults and children alike can pamper themselves with the latest collection of clothes or the most modern piece of technology available. Alternatively, the ever-expanding array of options encourages people to take up diverse experiences, which, ultimately, allow people to recognise what is best for them. For instance, by traveling around the world, many people realize what the best house or best living conditions are and make efforts to achieve that in their home country.
In my view, consumerism surely contributes to a successful society but it is nowhere near as vital as other aspects of life such as mental strength and spirituality. There are many people in Bhutan and Tibet who lead a life of poverty but remain happy and content thanks to their religion and positive outlook on life. Therefore, it is reasonable to argue that in these societies, money and possessions are given adequate attention, not excessive.
Overall, while the merits of material possessions and overconsumption are well acknowledged, there are significant negative sides that people should be aware of. Additionally, there are other approaches to a functional society and religion and spiritual life are facets that should be highly featured.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

1. "There is a widespread belief" -> "It is widely believed"
   Explanation: "It is widely believed" is a more formal and concise way to express the idea, aligning better with academic style by avoiding the passive construction "There is a widespread belief."

2. "money and possessions are overemphasized" -> "the emphasis on money and possessions is excessive"
   Explanation: The revised phrase "the emphasis on money and possessions is excessive" is more precise and formal, enhancing the academic tone by specifying the nature of the overemphasis.

3. "many hold that" -> "many argue that"
   Explanation: "Argue" is more specific and academically appropriate than "hold," which can be vague and less formal in this context.

4. "enhancing our living standards" -> "improving our standard of living"
   Explanation: "Improving our standard of living" is a more precise and formal expression, commonly used in academic and professional contexts.

5. "those who own lots of possessions" -> "those who possess numerous possessions"
   Explanation: "Possess numerous possessions" is more formal and avoids the colloquial tone of "lots of."

6. "a leveraging approach" -> "a leveraging strategy"
   Explanation: "Strategy" is a more precise term in this context, indicating a deliberate plan or approach, which is more suitable for academic writing.

7. "take extreme measures" -> "adopt extreme measures"
   Explanation: "Adopt" is a more formal verb choice than "take" in this context, fitting better in an academic essay.

8. "a great sense of satisfaction" -> "a significant sense of satisfaction"
   Explanation: "Significant" is more formal and precise than "great," which can be seen as overly casual for academic writing.

9. "the latest collection of clothes" -> "the latest fashion collections"
   Explanation: "Fashion collections" is a more specific and formal term than "the latest collection of clothes," which is vague and informal.

10. "the most modern piece of technology" -> "the most advanced technological devices"
    Explanation: "The most advanced technological devices" is more specific and formal, enhancing the academic tone.

11. "take up diverse experiences" -> "engage in various experiences"
    Explanation: "Engage in various experiences" is a more formal and precise way to describe the act of participating in different activities.

12. "what is best for them" -> "what suits them best"
    Explanation: "What suits them best" is a more formal and idiomatic expression, suitable for academic writing.

13. "make efforts to achieve that" -> "strive to attain that"
    Explanation: "Strive to attain" is more formal and academically appropriate than "make efforts to achieve," which is somewhat colloquial.

14. "money and possessions are given adequate attention" -> "money and possessions receive sufficient attention"
    Explanation: "Receive sufficient attention" is a more formal and precise way to express the idea, aligning better with academic style.

15. "highly featured" -> "highly emphasized"
    Explanation: "Highly emphasized" is the correct term for highlighting the importance of something, whereas "featured" is not typically used in this context.

These changes enhance the formality, precision, and clarity of the essay, aligning it more closely with academic standards.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

• Answer All Parts of the Question:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay adequately addresses both sides of the prompt: the view that we live in ‘consumer societies’ and the opposing perspective that consumer culture has improved our lives. It discusses both viewpoints with clear examples and transitions, indicating a balanced consideration.
  • How to improve: To enhance completeness, ensure that each viewpoint is explored in greater depth, possibly by providing more specific examples or statistics to support arguments. Additionally, explicitly linking each argument back to the impact on society’s well-being would strengthen the analysis.

• Present a Clear Position Throughout:

  • Detailed explanation: The writer maintains a clear stance that consumerism contributes to societal success but emphasizes the importance of non-material aspects like mental strength and spirituality. This position is consistently supported throughout the essay.
  • How to improve: To improve clarity, consider explicitly stating the author’s opinion in the introduction and concluding paragraphs. This can help reinforce the stance and its relevance to the discussion.

• Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas coherently and supports them with relevant examples, such as the socioeconomic gap in South Korea and the impact of consumer choices on personal satisfaction and societal norms.
  • How to improve: To extend ideas further, delve deeper into the societal implications of consumer culture. Consider discussing potential long-term consequences or contrasting viewpoints that could provide a more comprehensive analysis.

• Stay on Topic:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay predominantly stays on topic by discussing the influence of consumer societies on our lives. However, there are instances where the connection to the main topic could be strengthened, such as ensuring all examples directly relate to the impact of consumer culture.
  • How to improve: To maintain focus, ensure that each paragraph directly ties back to the central theme of consumerism versus societal improvement. Avoid tangential discussions that do not contribute directly to the essay’s thesis.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong understanding of the prompt and effectively discusses both sides of the argument. To improve, the writer could focus on enhancing the depth of analysis, explicitly stating their position, and ensuring all examples directly support the main arguments presented.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

• Organize Information Logically:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a generally logical organization of ideas. It begins with a clear introduction that outlines the essay’s purpose and introduces the two contrasting views on consumerism. Each body paragraph addresses a specific viewpoint coherently. However, there are instances where the transitions between ideas could be smoother, such as the shift from discussing the negative aspects of consumerism to the positive impacts in the second body paragraph. This slight disjointedness affects the overall flow but does not obscure the main points.
  • How to improve: To enhance logical flow, ensure that each paragraph flows naturally from the previous one. Use transitional phrases to guide the reader through shifts in perspective or argumentation. For instance, introducing phrases like "On the other hand," or "Conversely," can help clarify the connection between opposing viewpoints.

• Use Paragraphs:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs effectively to organize its ideas. Each paragraph focuses on a single aspect of the prompt, starting with an introduction that sets up the discussion and ending with a conclusion that offers a personal opinion. However, some paragraphs could be more tightly focused. For instance, the third paragraph touches upon both positive and negative aspects of consumerism, which could benefit from clearer separation or additional development of each viewpoint.
  • How to improve: Aim for more distinct paragraphing where each paragraph addresses a single main idea or aspect of the argument. This clarity will improve both coherence and cohesion within and between paragraphs.

• Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay employs cohesive devices adequately but could benefit from a wider range and more consistent use. For example, there is some use of cohesive devices such as "alternatively," "however," and "overall," which help to connect ideas within and between paragraphs. However, more varied devices such as pronouns (it, they, these) referencing back to previous points or the use of linking words (in addition, consequently) could strengthen cohesion further.
  • How to improve: Expand the repertoire of cohesive devices used throughout the essay. Practice integrating pronouns and synonyms effectively to avoid repetition and enhance coherence. Additionally, pay attention to the logical progression of ideas to ensure that cohesive devices are used to reinforce the argumentative structure.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of coherence and cohesion principles, refinement in transitions between ideas and the use of a wider variety of cohesive devices would elevate the score to a higher band level. Ensure that each paragraph maintains a clear focus, and employ cohesive devices strategically to enhance clarity and coherence throughout the essay.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

• Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary, with several effective lexical choices such as "excessively consumer-driven," "socioeconomic gap," and "array of options." These phrases contribute to the clarity and depth of the argument presented.
  • How to improve: To enhance your lexical resource score further, consider incorporating more sophisticated vocabulary where appropriate. For example, instead of "pamper themselves," you might use "indulge themselves," which adds a touch of nuance. Additionally, aim to use more domain-specific vocabulary related to economics or sociology when discussing socioeconomic issues.

• Use Vocabulary Precisely:

  • Detailed explanation: The precision of vocabulary usage varies. For instance, terms like "socioeconomic gap" are precise and effective in conveying specific meanings. However, there are instances where vocabulary could be more precise, such as replacing "extreme measures" with a more specific term like "risky strategies." This would add precision and clarity to your arguments.
  • How to improve: Focus on using vocabulary that accurately and succinctly expresses your intended meaning. Avoid vague or general terms where more precise language can strengthen your points. Use the context of your essay to guide the choice of more exact vocabulary, particularly when discussing complex social or economic concepts.

• Use Correct Spelling:

  • Detailed explanation: Spelling accuracy is generally good throughout the essay, with only minor errors such as "highly featured" (consider revising to "highly valued" or "emphasized"). These minor errors do not significantly detract from overall readability or coherence.
  • How to improve: Continue practicing proofreading techniques to catch minor spelling errors. Reviewing your writing with a focus on specific areas where errors commonly occur can further enhance spelling accuracy. Additionally, utilizing spell-check tools can serve as a helpful safeguard against inadvertent mistakes.

Overall, your essay demonstrates a solid grasp of vocabulary usage with room for refinement to achieve a higher band score. By incorporating more sophisticated and precise vocabulary, alongside ensuring consistent spelling accuracy, you can further elevate the lexical resource dimension of your writing. Keep practicing integrating new vocabulary into your essays to enhance both clarity and depth of expression.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

• Use a Wide Range of Structures:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonably varied use of sentence structures. It employs complex sentences alongside simpler ones effectively to convey ideas. For instance, there are instances of compound and complex sentences such as "those who own lots of possessions in society are those who have more power, politically and financially" and "Nowadays, adults and children alike can pamper themselves with the latest collection of clothes or the most modern piece of technology available."
  • How to improve: To further enhance variety, consider incorporating more complex sentence structures like conditional sentences (e.g., "If consumerism continues unchecked, it could lead to…"), passive voice constructions (e.g., "Consumerism is often criticized for…"), and rhetorical questions to engage the reader ("Can consumer culture truly satisfy our deepest needs?"). This will add depth and sophistication to your argumentation.

• Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains a good level of grammatical accuracy with few errors. There are correct uses of verb tenses, subject-verb agreement, and punctuation marks. For instance, "There is a widespread belief," "Alternatively, consumer culture is widely believed," and "Therefore, it is reasonable to argue."
  • How to improve: While overall accuracy is strong, watch out for occasional errors in subject-verb agreement (e.g., "there are other approaches to a functional society and religion and spiritual life are facets") and punctuation consistency (e.g., ensuring commas are used consistently for lists and clauses). Revising your essay with a focus on these specific areas will help further polish your grammatical precision.

In conclusion, your essay demonstrates a solid grasp of grammatical structures and punctuation usage, contributing to its overall coherence and clarity. By diversifying your sentence structures further and refining grammatical details, you can elevate your writing to an even higher level, potentially pushing towards an 8 on the Grammatical Range and Accuracy criterion.

Bài sửa mẫu

There is a widely held belief that contemporary societies have become excessively focused on consumption, where money and possessions are given undue emphasis. Conversely, others argue that consumer culture has played a crucial role in enhancing our quality of life. This essay will examine both perspectives on consumerism and provide the author’s viewpoint.

On one hand, the significance placed on financial wealth and material possessions can be both advantageous and problematic when taken to extremes. It is true that individuals who possess substantial wealth wield significant influence, both politically and economically. However, the pursuit of material success often leads people to adopt risky strategies in hopes of substantial gains, thereby increasing personal risks and widening socioeconomic disparities. A stark example is evident in South Korea, where the gap between the affluent and less privileged is glaring, creating a society where wealth often translates into power and respect.

Conversely, consumer culture is widely believed to have contributed to recent improvements in quality of life by providing a profound sense of satisfaction. Today, individuals of all ages can indulge themselves with the latest fashion trends or cutting-edge technological gadgets. Moreover, the extensive range of choices encourages people to engage in diverse experiences, ultimately helping them determine what suits them best. For instance, through travel, many individuals discover the ideal home or living conditions they aspire to achieve in their own countries.

In my opinion, while consumerism certainly contributes to societal success, its importance pales in comparison to other aspects such as mental resilience and spirituality. In places like Bhutan and Tibet, many lead modest lives yet find contentment and happiness through their spiritual beliefs and positive outlook. Thus, it can be argued that in these societies, money and possessions receive adequate rather than excessive attention.

In conclusion, while the benefits of material wealth and consumption are undeniable, there are significant drawbacks that must be acknowledged. Moreover, there are alternative pathways to a functional society, with spirituality and religious beliefs being aspects that deserve considerable emphasis.