Many think that religion should be taught in schools while others think it should be avoided. Discuss both sides and give your opinion.

Many think that religion should be taught in schools while others think it should be avoided.

Discuss both sides and give your opinion.

There has been much discussions surrounding religion. Some people hold the view that students should learn religion lessons at school while others believe that it is not neccessary. Both view are justified by some extend but i personally agree with the second group.
On the one hand, proponents of teaching religion in schools argue that it can promote comprehensive education that promotes tolerance and understanding. Religioness play an significant role in shaping the belief, value and good deeps around society in the world. So that introducing this type of education in formal academic could shape and foster their characters to accept diversity and be respecful each other. It provides an opportunity to know the other historical, ethical and philosophical aspects asssociated with various religious, promoting a more inclusive and interconnected society. For example, every religion teaches pupils how to show their compassion, and embrace humanity to God’s creatures, regardless of their race, nationality, faith, and ethnic group.
On the other hand, i would argue that it is not suitable for children to learn religion at school because there are different beliefs and opinions among an atheist and a theist so it can lead to conflict and uncomfortable. Moreover, implementing religious education in the school curriculum may lack educational value. This is because introducing or expanding religious education might reduce the time available for core academic subjects like math, science, and language arts, which are generally seen as fundamental for academic and professional success.
In conclusion, although learning religion lessons has a positive effect on some content, there are drawbacks too, as explaned above. To repeat, I totally disagree that religion should not be guided in the school curriculum for the reasons provided earlier.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

1. "There has been much discussions" -> "There has been considerable discussion"
   Explanation: "Considerable" is a more precise and formal adverb than "much," which is vague and informal. It also corrects the grammatical error in the verb form "discussions" to "discussion."

2. "neccessary" -> "necessary"
   Explanation: Corrects the spelling error in "neccessary" to "necessary," ensuring the word is used correctly and maintaining the formal tone.

3. "Both view are justified by some extend" -> "Both views are justified to some extent"
   Explanation: Corrects the grammatical error in "view are" to "views are" and replaces "some extend" with "to some extent," which is the correct idiomatic expression.

4. "i personally agree" -> "I personally agree"
   Explanation: Capitalizes "I" to maintain proper grammatical structure and formal tone.

5. "religioness" -> "religions"
   Explanation: Corrects the misspelling of "religioness" to "religions," which is the correct plural form.

6. "play an significant role" -> "play a significant role"
   Explanation: Corrects the grammatical error in "an significant" to "a significant," as "a" is the correct article before a noun starting with a consonant sound.

7. "good deeps" -> "good deeds"
   Explanation: Corrects the misspelling of "deeps" to "deeds," which is the correct term for actions done for the benefit of others.

8. "introducing this type of education in formal academic" -> "introducing this type of education into formal academic settings"
   Explanation: Adds "into" to correct the preposition and clarifies that the education is being introduced into formal academic settings, not just the academic itself.

9. "be respecful each other" -> "be respectful of each other"
   Explanation: Corrects the spelling of "respecful" to "respectful" and adds "of" to correctly form the prepositional phrase.

10. "every religion teaches pupils how to show their compassion" -> "each religion teaches pupils how to demonstrate compassion"
    Explanation: Replaces "every" with "each" to correct the grammatical structure, and "show their compassion" with "demonstrate compassion" for a more formal and precise expression.

11. "atheist and a theist" -> "atheists and theists"
    Explanation: Corrects the plural forms to "atheists" and "theists" to match the plural subject "there are."

12. "implementing religious education in the school curriculum may lack educational value" -> "the implementation of religious education in the school curriculum may lack educational value"
    Explanation: Adds "the" before "implementation" to specify the subject and improves the sentence structure for clarity and formality.

13. "introducing or expanding religious education might reduce the time available for core academic subjects" -> "introducing or expanding religious education could reduce the time available for core academic subjects"
    Explanation: Replaces "might" with "could" to maintain a more formal tone and to indicate possibility rather than certainty.

14. "as explaned above" -> "as explained above"
    Explanation: Corrects the spelling of "explaned" to "explained" to maintain grammatical accuracy.

15. "I totally disagree" -> "I strongly disagree"
    Explanation: Replaces "totally" with "strongly" to use a more formal and academically appropriate adverb.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Task Response: 7

• Answer All Parts of the Question:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses both sides of the argument regarding whether religion should be taught in schools. The first paragraph presents the viewpoint of those who support religious education, highlighting its potential to promote tolerance and understanding. The second paragraph articulates the opposing view, emphasizing the risks of conflict and the potential detriment to core academic subjects. However, the discussion could be more balanced; the first side is elaborated upon more extensively than the second, which may lead to an impression of bias.
  • How to improve: To enhance the balance in addressing both sides, the writer could provide more detailed examples or arguments for the opposing view. This could involve discussing specific instances where religious education has led to conflict or providing statistics on educational outcomes when religious studies are included in the curriculum.

• Present a Clear Position Throughout:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay states a clear position against teaching religion in schools, particularly in the introduction and conclusion. However, the transition between discussing both sides and asserting a personal opinion could be smoother. The phrase "i personally agree with the second group" is somewhat abrupt and could be better integrated into the flow of the essay.
  • How to improve: To maintain a clear position throughout, the writer should ensure that their opinion is consistently reinforced in each paragraph. This can be achieved by using transitional phrases that link back to their stance after discussing each viewpoint, such as "While some argue for the inclusion of religious education, I maintain that…"

• Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents several ideas, such as the benefits of understanding diverse religions and the potential drawbacks of religious education. However, some points lack depth and specific examples. For instance, the mention of "good deeps around society" is vague and could be elaborated upon with concrete examples or studies that support the claims made.
  • How to improve: To strengthen the presentation and support of ideas, the writer should aim to provide more specific examples and evidence for each argument. This could include citing studies on educational outcomes, historical examples of religious conflict in schools, or testimonials from educators regarding the impact of religious education on student interactions.

• Stay on Topic:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, discussing the pros and cons of teaching religion in schools. However, there are moments where the focus wavers, particularly in the first paragraph where the phrase "good deeps around society" is unclear and distracts from the main argument. Additionally, the conclusion reiterates the main point but could be more concise and directly tied to the discussion.
  • How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should ensure that all statements are directly relevant to the prompt. Avoiding vague language and ensuring that each sentence contributes to the overall argument will help keep the essay on topic. A more concise conclusion that summarizes the key points without introducing new ideas would also enhance clarity.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents a coherent argument. With improvements in balance, clarity, depth of support, and focus, the essay could achieve a higher band score.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

• Organize Information Logically:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear structure, with a distinct introduction, body paragraphs discussing both sides of the argument, and a conclusion. The arguments for teaching religion in schools are presented first, followed by the counter-argument against it. This logical progression aids in understanding the writer’s stance. However, the transition between points could be smoother. For example, the shift from discussing the benefits of religious education to the drawbacks lacks a clear transitional phrase, which can momentarily confuse the reader.
  • How to improve: To enhance logical flow, the writer could use transitional phrases such as "On the contrary" or "Conversely" when moving from one viewpoint to another. Additionally, ensuring that each paragraph begins with a topic sentence that clearly states the main idea will help the reader follow the argument more easily.

• Use Paragraphs:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively utilizes paragraphs to separate different ideas, with a clear distinction between the arguments for and against teaching religion in schools. Each paragraph contains relevant information that supports the main point. However, the second paragraph could be further divided to improve readability, as it covers multiple ideas about the benefits of religious education without clear separation.
  • How to improve: To improve paragraph structure, the writer could split the second body paragraph into two: one focusing on the benefits of promoting tolerance and understanding through religious education, and another discussing the potential for fostering character and inclusivity. This would allow for a more focused discussion of each point and enhance clarity.

• Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "On the one hand" and "On the other hand," which effectively signal the contrasting viewpoints. However, the use of cohesive devices is somewhat limited, and there are instances where the connections between sentences and ideas could be strengthened. For example, the phrase "this is because" is used to explain the lack of educational value in religious education, but it could be more effectively linked to the previous sentence to clarify the relationship between the two ideas.
  • How to improve: To diversify and effectively use cohesive devices, the writer should incorporate a wider range of linking words and phrases, such as "Furthermore," "In addition," and "Consequently." This will help to clarify relationships between ideas and improve the overall flow of the essay. Additionally, ensuring that each sentence logically follows from the previous one will enhance coherence.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a good level of coherence and cohesion, there are specific areas for improvement that could elevate the score further. By focusing on smoother transitions, clearer paragraphing, and a broader range of cohesive devices, the writer can enhance the clarity and effectiveness of their argument.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

• Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, with some effective phrases such as "promote comprehensive education," "shaping the belief," and "embrace humanity." However, the vocabulary is somewhat limited in variety, and there are instances of repetition, such as the use of "religion" and "education" multiple times without synonyms or varied expressions. Additionally, terms like "good deeps" are awkward and do not convey the intended meaning clearly.
  • How to improve: To enhance vocabulary range, the writer should incorporate synonyms and related terms. For example, instead of repeatedly using "religion," alternatives like "faith," "belief system," or "spirituality" could be employed. Additionally, using phrases such as "moral values" instead of "good deeps" would clarify the intended message.

• Use Vocabulary Precisely:

  • Detailed explanation: There are several instances of imprecise vocabulary usage. For example, "discussions surrounding religion" could be more accurately expressed as "debate about the role of religion in education." The phrase "proponents of teaching religion in schools" is clear, but "comprehensive education that promotes tolerance" could be more specific about what kind of education is being referred to. The term "Religioness" is incorrect and should be replaced with "Religion" or "Religious education."
  • How to improve: To improve precision, the writer should focus on using vocabulary that accurately reflects the intended meaning. This can be achieved by revising sentences for clarity and ensuring that terms are used correctly. For instance, instead of "good deeps," the writer could use "positive actions" or "moral behavior."

• Use Correct Spelling:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors, such as "neccessary" (necessary), "view" (views), "significant" (spelled correctly but used inappropriately in context), "Religioness" (should be "Religion"), "respecful" (respectful), "asssociated" (associated), and "explaned" (explained). These errors detract from the overall quality and professionalism of the writing.
  • How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, the writer should engage in regular proofreading and utilize spell-check tools. Additionally, practicing spelling through writing exercises or flashcards can help reinforce correct spelling. Reading more extensively can also improve familiarity with correct spellings in context.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a basic understanding of the topic and presents arguments for both sides, improvements in vocabulary range, precision, and spelling are essential for achieving a higher band score in the Lexical Resource criteria.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 5

• Use a Wide Range of Structures:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates some variety in sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences. For instance, phrases like "Some people hold the view that students should learn religion lessons at school" and "On the one hand, proponents of teaching religion in schools argue that it can promote comprehensive education" show an attempt to use different structures. However, the overall range is limited, with many sentences following a similar pattern. Additionally, there are instances of awkward phrasing, such as "there are drawbacks too, as explained above," which could be expressed more clearly.
  • How to improve: To enhance the variety of sentence structures, the writer could incorporate more complex sentences that combine ideas effectively. For example, using subordinate clauses or varying the sentence openings can create a more engaging flow. Practicing the use of relative clauses (e.g., "which promote understanding") and conditional sentences (e.g., "If religious education is included, it may lead to…") could also help diversify the writing style.

• Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical errors and punctuation issues that detract from clarity. For example, "discussions surrounding religion" should be "discussion surrounding religion," as "discussion" is uncountable in this context. The phrase "Both view are justified by some extend" contains subject-verb agreement errors and should be "Both views are justified to some extent." Additionally, there are misspellings such as "neccessary" (necessary) and "Religioness" (religion) that undermine the overall accuracy. Punctuation errors, such as missing commas and incorrect capitalization (e.g., "i" instead of "I"), also contribute to the lower score.
  • How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should focus on proofreading their work for common errors, such as subject-verb agreement and spelling mistakes. Utilizing grammar-checking tools or seeking feedback from peers can help identify and correct these issues. Furthermore, practicing punctuation rules, especially for complex sentences, will enhance clarity. For instance, ensuring that commas are used correctly to separate clauses can make the writing more readable.

Overall, while the essay presents a clear argument and attempts to address both sides of the discussion, significant improvements in grammatical range and accuracy are needed to achieve a higher band score. Focusing on diversifying sentence structures and enhancing grammatical precision will greatly benefit the writer’s performance in future essays.

Bài sửa mẫu

There has been much discussion surrounding religion. Some people hold the view that students should learn religion lessons at school, while others believe that it is not necessary. Both views are justified to some extent, but I personally agree with the second group.

On the one hand, proponents of teaching religion in schools argue that it can promote comprehensive education that fosters tolerance and understanding. Religions play a significant role in shaping the beliefs, values, and good deeds around society in the world. Therefore, introducing this type of education into formal academics could shape and foster students’ characters to accept diversity and be respectful of each other. It provides an opportunity to learn about the historical, ethical, and philosophical aspects associated with various religions, promoting a more inclusive and interconnected society. For example, every religion teaches pupils how to show compassion and embrace humanity towards God’s creatures, regardless of their race, nationality, faith, or ethnic group.

On the other hand, I would argue that it is not suitable for children to learn religion at school because there are different beliefs and opinions among atheists and theists, which can lead to conflict and discomfort. Moreover, the implementation of religious education in the school curriculum may lack educational value. This is because introducing or expanding religious education could reduce the time available for core academic subjects like math, science, and language arts, which are generally seen as fundamental for academic and professional success.

In conclusion, although learning religion lessons has a positive effect on some content, there are drawbacks too, as explained above. To reiterate, I strongly disagree that religion should be included in the school curriculum for the reasons provided earlier.