More and more measures to improve security in large urban areas have been introduced in many countries because of the increased crime. Do the benefits of these measures outweigh the drawbacks?

In many metropolitan areas, there is an increasing number of security system in order to deal with the elevated crime rate. From my perspective, the detrimental impacts outweigh the benefits.
On the one hand, security systems weaken the national economy for these reasons. These systems necessitate the additional allocation of equipment such as cameras and facilities and workforces. Therefore, citizens pay more taxes due to a growth in government expenditure. For example, security systems need to increase police patrols and operational vehicles on the street as well as a greater budget for officer salaries in order to operate. Government should pay attention to economic development and education instead of security.
On the other hand, this leads to the inconvenience for residents. People must comply with a wider range of regulations. For instance, when we are in public places, we form a queue to go through a scanning device that no illegal items bring into the premises. As a result of this, it takes much time for citizens to accomplish everyday tasks. Despite lots of disadvantages, this brings some advantages. Improving security reduces level of crime and deters would-be criminals from performing criminal acts thanks to innovative security systems.
To sum up, for the sake of the above reasons, I disagree with improving security in the city centre.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"In many metropolitan areas, there is an increasing number of security system" -> "In numerous metropolitan areas, there is an increasing number of security systems"
Explanation: Adding "s" to "security system" corrects the grammatical error and ensures the noun is plural, aligning with the context of multiple systems being discussed.
"the detrimental impacts outweigh the benefits" -> "the adverse effects outweigh the advantages"
Explanation: Replacing "detrimental impacts" with "adverse effects" and "benefits" with "advantages" uses more precise and formal vocabulary suitable for academic writing.
"security systems weaken the national economy" -> "security systems strain the national economy"
Explanation: "Strain" is a more precise term than "weaken" in this context, as it specifically refers to the exertion of pressure on resources, which is more accurate in describing the economic impact of security systems.
"These systems necessitate the additional allocation of equipment such as cameras and facilities and workforces." -> "These systems necessitate the allocation of additional equipment, including cameras, facilities, and personnel."
Explanation: Replacing "such as" with "including" and "workforces" with "personnel" enhances the formality and specificity of the language, and "allocation of additional equipment" is grammatically correct.
"Therefore, citizens pay more taxes due to a growth in government expenditure." -> "Consequently, citizens incur higher taxes due to increased government expenditure."
Explanation: "Consequently" is a more formal transitional phrase than "Therefore," and "incur higher taxes" is a more precise expression than "pay more taxes."
"Government should pay attention to economic development and education instead of security." -> "Governments should prioritize economic development and education over security."
Explanation: "Governments" is the correct plural form, and "prioritize" is a more formal verb than "pay attention to." Additionally, "over" is more precise than "instead of" in this context.
"this leads to the inconvenience for residents" -> "this results in inconvenience for residents"
Explanation: "Results in" is a more formal and precise verb choice than "leads to," and removing "the" before "inconvenience" corrects the grammatical structure.
"we form a queue to go through a scanning device that no illegal items bring into the premises" -> "we form a queue to pass through a scanning device that prevents the entry of illegal items"
Explanation: "Pass through" is more appropriate than "go through" in this context, and "prevents the entry of" is a clearer and more formal way to express the function of the scanning device.
"it takes much time for citizens to accomplish everyday tasks" -> "it significantly delays citizens’ daily tasks"
Explanation: "Significantly delays" is more precise and formal than "takes much time," and "daily tasks" is a more formal term than "everyday tasks."
"Improving security reduces level of crime" -> "Enhancing security reduces the level of crime"
Explanation: "Enhancing" is a more formal synonym for "improving," and "the level of crime" is grammatically correct.
"deters would-be criminals from performing criminal acts" -> "deters potential criminals from committing criminal acts"
Explanation: "Potential criminals" is a more precise term than "would-be criminals," and "committing" is more formal than "performing" in this context.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Task Response: 5 – UNDER WORD

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay attempts to address the prompt by discussing both the benefits and drawbacks of security measures in urban areas. However, it primarily focuses on the drawbacks and does not sufficiently explore the benefits. The statement "this brings some advantages" is vague and lacks elaboration, failing to adequately address the question of whether the benefits outweigh the drawbacks. The essay does not provide a balanced view, which is crucial for a comprehensive response.
- How to improve: To improve, the writer should ensure that both sides of the argument are explored in detail. This could involve dedicating a paragraph to the benefits of security measures, providing specific examples and evidence to support these points. Additionally, a clearer comparison of the benefits and drawbacks would strengthen the overall argument.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The writer states a clear position in the introduction, asserting that the detrimental impacts of security measures outweigh the benefits. However, this position is not consistently reinforced throughout the essay. The conclusion reiterates the disagreement with improving security but does not summarize the key arguments effectively, leading to a lack of cohesion.
- How to improve: To maintain a clear and consistent position, the writer should regularly refer back to their main argument in each paragraph. This could be achieved by using linking phrases that connect back to the thesis statement and by summarizing how each point supports the overall stance in the conclusion.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents some ideas, such as the economic burden of security measures and the inconvenience caused to residents. However, these ideas are not fully developed or supported with sufficient detail. For instance, the mention of increased taxes and government expenditure lacks specific data or examples that would strengthen the argument. Additionally, the benefits of security measures are mentioned but not elaborated upon, leaving the argument feeling one-sided.
- How to improve: To enhance the presentation and support of ideas, the writer should aim to provide more detailed explanations and examples for each point made. This could include statistics on crime rates before and after the implementation of security measures or specific case studies that illustrate the effectiveness of such systems. Expanding on the benefits with concrete examples would also help balance the argument.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, discussing security measures and their implications. However, the focus on drawbacks over benefits may lead to a perception of bias, which could detract from the overall coherence of the argument. The mention of "government should pay attention to economic development and education" seems somewhat off-topic, as it diverts from the main discussion about security measures.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should ensure that all points made directly relate to the question of whether the benefits of security measures outweigh the drawbacks. Avoiding tangential arguments and ensuring that each point ties back to the central thesis will help keep the essay relevant and cohesive.

In summary, to improve the essay and potentially raise the band score, the writer should aim for a more balanced exploration of both benefits and drawbacks, maintain a clear and consistent position, provide detailed support for their ideas, and ensure that all content remains focused on the prompt. Additionally, addressing the word count issue is essential, as being under the required word count can significantly impact the overall score.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear argument structure, with distinct sections addressing both the drawbacks and benefits of security measures. The introduction effectively sets the context and states the writer’s position. However, the transition between the points could be smoother. For instance, the shift from discussing economic impacts to inconvenience for residents lacks a clear linking phrase that would guide the reader through the argument.
- How to improve: To enhance logical flow, the writer could use transitional phrases such as "Furthermore," or "In addition," when moving from one point to another. This would help to create a more cohesive narrative and guide the reader through the argument more effectively.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs to separate different ideas, which is a strength. Each paragraph focuses on a specific aspect of the argument. However, the final paragraph, which attempts to summarize the argument, is somewhat abrupt and does not effectively encapsulate the discussion. The concluding statement could be more impactful if it reiterated the main points discussed in the body paragraphs.
- How to improve: To improve paragraphing, the writer should ensure that each paragraph not only introduces a new idea but also connects back to the main thesis. Additionally, the conclusion could be strengthened by summarizing the key arguments made in the body paragraphs, reinforcing the overall position taken in the essay.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates some use of cohesive devices, such as "On the one hand" and "On the other hand," which help to delineate contrasting points. However, the range of cohesive devices is somewhat limited, and there are instances where more varied devices could enhance clarity and flow. For example, the phrase "Despite lots of disadvantages" could be more effectively expressed with a cohesive device that better connects it to the preceding discussion.
- How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, the writer could incorporate a wider range of linking words and phrases, such as "Nevertheless," "Conversely," or "In contrast." This would not only improve the flow of ideas but also demonstrate a higher level of linguistic proficiency. Additionally, ensuring that each cohesive device is used in context will enhance the overall coherence of the essay.

In summary, while the essay achieves a solid Band 7 for Coherence and Cohesion, there are clear areas for improvement. By enhancing logical organization, refining paragraph structure, and diversifying cohesive devices, the writer can elevate their essay to a higher band score.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, with terms like "metropolitan areas," "security systems," "detrimental impacts," and "government expenditure." However, there are instances where the vocabulary could be more varied and sophisticated. For example, the phrase "increasing number of security system" could be improved to "growing prevalence of security systems" to enhance lexical variety.
- How to improve: To elevate the range of vocabulary, the writer should incorporate synonyms and more complex phrases. For instance, instead of repeating "security systems," they could use "surveillance measures" or "protective infrastructures." Engaging with a thesaurus or practicing with vocabulary exercises can help expand their lexical repertoire.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains some imprecise vocabulary choices, such as "weakens the national economy," which could be interpreted as overly broad without specific context. Additionally, the phrase "inconvenience for residents" could be more accurately expressed as "inconvenience to residents," which would enhance grammatical precision.
- How to improve: To improve precision, the writer should focus on context-specific vocabulary. For example, instead of saying "additional allocation of equipment," they might specify "investment in surveillance technology." Practicing paraphrasing and ensuring that word choices align closely with intended meanings will help improve precision.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains a few spelling errors, such as "system" (should be pluralized as "systems") and "no illegal items bring into the premises" (which should be "no illegal items are brought into the premises"). These errors detract from the overall professionalism of the writing.
- How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, the writer should proofread their work carefully, ideally reading it aloud to catch errors. Utilizing spell-check tools and engaging in regular spelling practice can also help reinforce correct spelling habits. Additionally, focusing on commonly misspelled words in academic writing can be beneficial.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents a clear argument, improvements in vocabulary range, precision, and spelling will help elevate the Lexical Resource score. Engaging in targeted vocabulary exercises, practicing precise language use, and implementing thorough proofreading strategies will contribute to a stronger performance in future essays.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable variety of sentence structures. For instance, the use of complex sentences such as "These systems necessitate the additional allocation of equipment such as cameras and facilities and workforces" showcases an understanding of how to combine ideas effectively. However, there are instances of simpler structures that could be enhanced. For example, the sentence "Government should pay attention to economic development and education instead of security" could be rephrased to include a more complex structure, such as "Rather than focusing solely on security, the government should prioritize economic development and education."
- How to improve: To diversify sentence structures further, consider incorporating more compound-complex sentences and varying the placement of clauses. For example, instead of starting sentences with the subject, try beginning with adverbial phrases or dependent clauses. Additionally, using a mix of active and passive voice can also contribute to a richer variety of structures.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains a good level of grammatical accuracy, but there are notable errors that detract from clarity. For instance, the phrase "there is an increasing number of security system" should be corrected to "there is an increasing number of security systems" to ensure subject-verb agreement and pluralization. Additionally, the sentence "when we are in public places, we form a queue to go through a scanning device that no illegal items bring into the premises" is awkwardly constructed and could be more clearly expressed. The use of commas is mostly correct, but there are areas where additional punctuation could enhance clarity, such as in the phrase "Despite lots of disadvantages, this brings some advantages," which could benefit from a clearer transition.
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, it is essential to proofread the essay for subject-verb agreement and plural forms. Practicing sentence restructuring can also help clarify complex ideas. Additionally, reviewing punctuation rules, especially regarding clauses and transitional phrases, will enhance the overall readability of the essay. Consider using tools or resources that focus on grammar exercises to reinforce these skills.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of grammatical range and accuracy, focusing on diversifying sentence structures and refining grammatical precision will help elevate the writing to a higher band score.

Bài sửa mẫu

In many metropolitan areas, there is an increasing number of security systems in order to deal with the elevated crime rate. From my perspective, the detrimental impacts outweigh the benefits.

On the one hand, security systems strain the national economy for these reasons. These systems necessitate the allocation of additional equipment such as cameras, facilities, and personnel. Consequently, citizens incur higher taxes due to increased government expenditure. For example, security systems require more police patrols and operational vehicles on the street, as well as a greater budget for officer salaries in order to operate. Governments should prioritize economic development and education over security.

On the other hand, this results in inconvenience for residents. People must comply with a wider range of regulations. For instance, when we are in public places, we form a queue to pass through a scanning device that prevents the entry of illegal items into the premises. As a result, it significantly delays citizens’ daily tasks. Despite numerous disadvantages, this brings some advantages. Enhancing security reduces the level of crime and deters potential criminals from committing criminal acts thanks to innovative security systems.

To sum up, for the sake of the above reasons, I disagree with improving security in the city centre.