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More and more people are now moving away from an agricultural background to cities for work. What will be the consequences of this? What solution can you offer?

More and more people are now moving away from an agricultural background to cities for work.
What will be the consequences of this? What solution can you offer?

It is undeniable that nowadays a lot of people are emigrating from their countryside to metropolitan areas for lucrative career opportunities. This state of affairs can contribute to several consequences and this essay will suggest several viable solutions to remedy the situation.
There are two consequences to the way people decide to relocate to cities for work. Chief of these is the upsurge in urban overcrowding. As an increase in the number of people flocks to cities, population density surges, contributing to the depreciation of infrastructure. This overcrowding issue has a cascading effect on the entire city, to name but a few, traffic congestion, housing shortages, leading to a decrease in the overal quality of life. Added to this is the fact that the urban exodus can spell trouble for agriculture, as rural areas are in shortage of labor force for agriculture activities. This results in significant reduction in food produce, and the ramifications extend to potential food security issues, increased reliance on imported goods, and rising prices of essential commodities.
These challenges can be addressed with strategic measures focused on a number of ways. Sustainable urban planning should be taken into pratice for developing efficient public transportation systems, ensuring access to affordable housing, and emphasizing the expansion of suburban areas. This approach will help reduce the overcrowding of city centers and mitigate the negative impacts on urban living. In addition, fostering rural development initiatives is crucial. Diversifying economic activities in rural regions through the promotion of agribusiness, cottage industries, and rural entrepreneurship can create job opportunities and retain the rural population. Such initiatives can reinvigorate the agricultural sector, leading to higher food production and ensuring food security.
In conclusion, the emigration from rural areas to metropolitan areas can lead to urbran overcrowding and negative impact on agricultural industry. However, these issues can be addressed by sustainable urban planning and rural development initiatives.

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Errors and Improvements:

  1. “a lot of people” -> “many individuals”
    Explanation: Replacing the colloquial expression “a lot of people” with “many individuals” adds formality and precision to the statement, aligning it more closely with academic style.
  2. “for lucrative career opportunities” -> “due to promising career prospects”
    Explanation: Substituting “for lucrative career opportunities” with “due to promising career prospects” maintains a formal tone while offering a more refined and academically appropriate phrase.
  3. “this essay will suggest several viable solutions” -> “this essay will propose several feasible remedies”
    Explanation: Replacing “suggest” with “propose” and “viable solutions” with “feasible remedies” enhances the academic tone and clarity of the sentence.
  4. “Chief of these is” -> “Foremost among them is”
    Explanation: Changing “Chief of these is” to “Foremost among them is” introduces a more sophisticated phrase, aligning with academic language norms.
  5. “flocks to cities” -> “migrates to urban centers”
    Explanation: Substituting “flocks to cities” with “migrates to urban centers” provides a more formal and precise expression, avoiding the informal connotations of “flocks.”
  6. “to name but a few” -> “including but not limited to”
    Explanation: Replacing “to name but a few” with “including but not limited to” maintains formality and adds precision to the list of consequences.
  7. “overal” -> “overall”
    Explanation: Correcting the spelling from “overal” to “overall” ensures accuracy and adheres to formal language conventions.
  8. “urban exodus” -> “migration to urban areas”
    Explanation: Substituting “urban exodus” with “migration to urban areas” offers a more formal and precise term, contributing to the academic tone.
  9. “spells trouble for” -> “poses challenges to”
    Explanation: Replacing “spells trouble for” with “poses challenges to” maintains formality while expressing the negative impact in a more nuanced way.
  10. “shortage of labor force” -> “lack of a labor force”
    Explanation: Changing “shortage of labor force” to “lack of a labor force” improves the grammatical structure and formality of the expression.
  11. “ensure food security” -> “safeguard food security”
    Explanation: Substituting “ensure” with “safeguard” enhances the formality and precision of the statement regarding food security.
  12. “higher food production” -> “increased agricultural output”
    Explanation: Replacing “higher food production” with “increased agricultural output” offers a more sophisticated and precise term in the context of the agricultural sector.
  13. “emigration from” -> “migration from”
    Explanation: Changing “emigration from” to “migration from” aligns with the appropriate terminology, as “emigration” specifically refers to leaving one’s country, while “migration” encompasses movement within a country.
  14. “urbran” -> “urban”
    Explanation: Correcting the typo from “urbran” to “urban” ensures accuracy and maintains the formal quality of the text.

In conclusion, addressing these lexical choices enhances the overall academic tone and formality of the essay.

 

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

  1. Quoted text: “There are two consequences to the way people decide to relocate to cities for work. Chief of these is the upsurge in urban overcrowding. As an increase in the number of people flocks to cities, population density surges, contributing to the depreciation of infrastructure. This overcrowding issue has a cascading effect on the entire city, to name but a few, traffic congestion, housing shortages, leading to a decrease in the overall quality of life.”
    • Explanation and Suggestions for Improvement: Your identification of the consequences is valid, but the explanation lacks depth and specificity. The discussion of urban overcrowding needs more focus on how it directly affects the quality of life, traffic congestion, and housing shortages. Provide specific examples or scenarios to illustrate the impact on infrastructure and daily life. For instance, elaborate on how increased traffic congestion can result in longer commuting hours, affecting both work-life balance and the environment.
    • Improved Example: “One primary consequence of this migration is the surge in urban overcrowding, exerting immense pressure on infrastructure. For instance, the exponential increase in population density often leads to severe traffic congestion, causing detrimental effects on the daily lives of city dwellers. Long commuting hours and environmental pollution are direct outcomes of this congestion, significantly diminishing the overall quality of life.”
  2. Quoted text: “Added to this is the fact that the urban exodus can spell trouble for agriculture, as rural areas are in a shortage of labor force for agriculture activities. This results in a significant reduction in food produce, and the ramifications extend to potential food security issues, increased reliance on imported goods, and rising prices of essential commodities.”
    • Explanation and Suggestions for Improvement: While you’ve touched upon the impact on agriculture, your explanation lacks elaboration. Provide specific examples or details on how the shortage of labor force affects agriculture activities. Explain the connection between reduced food production, potential food security issues, and the increased reliance on imported goods. This will enhance the depth and coherence of your argument.
    • Improved Example: “Furthermore, the urban exodus poses a serious threat to agriculture in rural areas due to a shortage of labor force. For instance, the diminished workforce in agriculture can lead to delayed planting and harvesting seasons, directly impacting food production. This not only contributes to potential food security issues but also escalates the reliance on imported goods, consequently driving up the prices of essential commodities for both urban and rural populations.”
  3. Quoted text: “These challenges can be addressed with strategic measures focused on a number of ways. Sustainable urban planning should be taken into practice for developing efficient public transportation systems, ensuring access to affordable housing, and emphasizing the expansion of suburban areas. This approach will help reduce the overcrowding of city centers and mitigate the negative impacts on urban living.”
    • Explanation and Suggestions for Improvement: Your proposed solutions are generally sound, but they lack specificity. Provide more details on how sustainable urban planning can be implemented, and offer examples of successful initiatives from other cities or regions. Additionally, explain how these measures directly address the issues of urban overcrowding, traffic congestion, and housing shortages.
    • Improved Example: “To address these challenges, implementing sustainable urban planning is imperative. For instance, developing efficient public transportation systems, such as expanding metro networks or introducing bicycle-sharing programs, can significantly alleviate traffic congestion. Moreover, ensuring access to affordable housing through government-subsidized initiatives and emphasizing the expansion of suburban areas can effectively reduce the overcrowding of city centers, directly mitigating the negative impacts on urban living.”

Overall, your essay presents a clear position and addresses the task adequately. To improve, focus on providing more specific examples and elaborating on the connections between your ideas.

 

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a good level of coherence and cohesion that aligns with Band 7 criteria. It logically organizes information and ideas with a clear progression throughout the essay. The essay uses a range of cohesive devices appropriately, although there are some minor instances of underuse and overuse. Each paragraph presents a clear central topic, enhancing the overall clarity of the essay.

The introduction provides a clear overview of the essay’s structure, setting the stage for the discussion of consequences and solutions. Within the body paragraphs, the essay discusses two consequences of rural-to-urban migration: urban overcrowding and its associated problems, as well as the impact on agriculture. These points are well-structured and logically presented.

Cohesive devices such as transitional phrases (“Chief of these,” “Added to this is the fact that”) are used effectively to guide the reader through the essay’s flow. While some minor overuse of cohesive devices can be observed (e.g., “to name but a few”), it does not significantly disrupt the essay’s coherence.

The conclusion provides a concise summary of the main points and the proposed solutions, wrapping up the essay cohesively.

How to improve: To achieve a higher score in Coherence and Cohesion (e.g., Band 8 or 9), the essay could further enhance cohesion by ensuring even more seamless transitions between sentences and paragraphs. Additionally, reducing minor overuse of phrases and maintaining a consistent level of cohesion throughout the essay would contribute to a more cohesive piece of writing.

 

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates a sufficient range of vocabulary, allowing some flexibility and precision in expression. There is evidence of using less common lexical items with awareness of style and collocation. The writer effectively conveys the consequences of rural-to-urban migration and proposes viable solutions. The vocabulary is generally appropriate, and there are only occasional errors in word choice and collocation, such as “this state of affairs” and “taken into pratice” (practice).

How to improve:
To move to a higher band score, the writer should strive for greater precision in vocabulary use and reduce occasional inaccuracies. Additionally, attention to minor errors, such as spelling and word formation (e.g., “overal” instead of “overall”), would contribute to a more polished presentation. Consider enhancing variety in sentence structure for added fluency. Overall, maintaining this level of vocabulary richness while addressing these minor issues would elevate the score.

 

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable use of a variety of complex structures. There is a mixture of simple and complex sentences, contributing to a good overall grammatical range. The majority of sentences are error-free, showcasing a good command of grammar and punctuation. However, there are a few instances of minor errors and awkward phrasing that slightly affect the overall fluency and accuracy. These errors can be considered as ‘slips’ and do not significantly impede communication.

How to improve: To improve the grammatical range and accuracy, the writer should pay closer attention to sentence structures, ensuring consistency and clarity. Proofreading the essay to catch and rectify minor errors and awkward phrasing is essential. Additionally, a more nuanced use of vocabulary and a smoother transition between ideas could enhance the overall coherence of the essay.

 

Bài sửa mẫu

It is undeniable that nowadays, many people are leaving their rural homes to seek better job opportunities in urban areas. This trend can have several consequences, and this essay will suggest some practical solutions to address the situation.

There are two main consequences of this migration to cities for work. Firstly, it leads to increased urban overcrowding. As more people move to cities, the population density rises, putting strain on the city’s infrastructure. This overcrowding has various negative effects, including traffic congestion, housing shortages, and an overall decrease in the quality of life. Additionally, the rural exodus can pose challenges for agriculture, as rural areas face a shortage of labor for farming activities. This results in a significant reduction in food production, leading to potential food security issues, increased reliance on imported goods, and rising prices of essential commodities.

To address these challenges, strategic measures need to be implemented. Sustainable urban planning should be put into practice to develop efficient public transportation systems, ensure access to affordable housing, and promote the expansion of suburban areas. This approach will help alleviate the overcrowding in city centers and reduce its negative impact on urban living. Furthermore, fostering rural development initiatives is essential. Diversifying economic activities in rural regions by promoting agribusiness, cottage industries, and rural entrepreneurship can create job opportunities and encourage people to stay in rural areas. These initiatives can revitalize the agricultural sector, leading to increased food production and food security.

In conclusion, the migration from rural areas to cities for work can result in urban overcrowding and negative consequences for the agricultural industry. However, these issues can be effectively addressed through sustainable urban planning and rural development initiatives.

 

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