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more and more people today are spending large amount of money on their complexions in order to look younger. why do people want to look younger . do you think this is a positive or negative progression

more and more people today are spending large amount of money on their complexions in order to look younger. why do people want to look younger . do you think this is a positive or negative progression

Recent years have witnessed the increasing number of people are opting for cosmetic operations to improve their complexions. This essay will first outline the underlying reasons behind this trend, before concluding that the disadvantages of this trend outweigh its advantages.

The rising trend of undergoing complexion-enhancing surgeries can be attributed to two primary factors. The first reason is that individuals often seek these procedures to enhance their self-esteem. Despite being naturally beautiful, many desire to improve their complexions to appear more confident and youthful. For instance, numerous Vietnamese celebrities have invested significant amounts in complexion enhancements to maintain a youthful appearance and attract fans. Another motivation is the desire to address physical imperfections, as some people may have congenital defects or acquired deformities on their skin due to accidents or injuries and wish to undergo surgery to correct these conditions.

Despite the various advantages of complexion surgeries, I am of the opinion that this trend is riddled with a litany of problems, particularly concerning financial aspects and physical health. Regarding the financial aspect, these surgeries often incur substantial costs, ranging from hundreds to even thousands of dollars. This financial burden can have a significant impact on the individuals opting for cosmetic procedures, potentially leading to financial strain. With regard to physical health, undergoing cosmetic procedures, including those for complexions, comes with inherent risks such as infection and scarring. Moreover, individuals opting for these surgeries may need to consume medications that can have adverse effects on their overall health.

In conclusion, the increasing preference for complexion surgeries to alter physical appearance stems from the desire to address physical deformities and enhance self-confidence. However, I maintain that this trend poses potential threats to both financial well-being and physical health.


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Errors and Improvements:

  1. "Recent years have witnessed the increasing number of people are opting for cosmetic operations to improve their complexions." -> "In recent years, there has been a growing number of individuals opting for cosmetic procedures to enhance their complexions."
    Explanation: Restructuring the sentence improves clarity and formality by using a more straightforward construction. The original sentence was grammatically incorrect due to the unnecessary "are" after "people."

  2. "This essay will first outline the underlying reasons behind this trend, before concluding that the disadvantages of this trend outweigh its advantages." -> "This essay will initially delineate the fundamental reasons behind this trend before asserting that the drawbacks outweigh the benefits."
    Explanation: The suggested alternatives replace colloquial language with more academic expressions, maintaining the formality required in essays.

  3. "The rising trend of undergoing complexion-enhancing surgeries can be attributed to two primary factors." -> "The increasing prevalence of complexion-enhancing surgeries can be attributed to two primary factors."
    Explanation: Replacing "rising trend of undergoing" with "increasing prevalence of" streamlines the sentence, making it more concise and academically appropriate.

  4. "Despite being naturally beautiful, many desire to improve their complexions to appear more confident and youthful." -> "Despite possessing natural beauty, many individuals aspire to enhance their complexions to project greater confidence and youthfulness."
    Explanation: The suggested changes involve using more precise language and avoiding redundancy, contributing to a more formal tone.

  5. "For instance, numerous Vietnamese celebrities have invested significant amounts in complexion enhancements to maintain a youthful appearance and attract fans." -> "For example, several Vietnamese celebrities have allocated substantial resources to complexion enhancements, aiming to preserve a youthful appearance and attract a larger fan base."
    Explanation: The revisions provide a more nuanced and formal expression by replacing "invested significant amounts" with "allocated substantial resources" and enhancing the description of the celebrities’ objectives.

  6. "I am of the opinion that this trend is riddled with a litany of problems, particularly concerning financial aspects and physical health." -> "I contend that this trend is fraught with a multitude of issues, especially pertaining to financial considerations and physical health."
    Explanation: Substituting "riddled with a litany of problems" with "fraught with a multitude of issues" and using more formal terms contributes to a more sophisticated and academic tone.

  7. "Regarding the financial aspect, these surgeries often incur substantial costs, ranging from hundreds to even thousands of dollars." -> "Concerning the financial aspect, these surgeries frequently entail significant expenses, ranging from hundreds to thousands of dollars."
    Explanation: The suggested changes involve replacing colloquial expressions with more formal language, enhancing the precision of the sentence.

  8. "This financial burden can have a significant impact on the individuals opting for cosmetic procedures, potentially leading to financial strain." -> "This financial burden can exert a considerable impact on individuals choosing cosmetic procedures, potentially resulting in financial strain."
    Explanation: The alternative phrasing maintains formality and clarity while eliminating redundancy in the original sentence.

  9. "Moreover, individuals opting for these surgeries may need to consume medications that can have adverse effects on their overall health." -> "Furthermore, individuals undergoing these surgeries may need to take medications with potential adverse effects on their overall health."
    Explanation: The revisions enhance clarity and formality by using "furthermore" and rephrasing the sentence for improved flow and precision.

  10. "In conclusion, the increasing preference for complexion surgeries to alter physical appearance stems from the desire to address physical deformities and enhance self-confidence." -> "In conclusion, the growing preference for complexion surgeries, aimed at altering physical appearance, is rooted in the desire to address physical deformities and enhance self-confidence."
    Explanation: The alternative phrasing improves clarity by reorganizing the sentence and maintains a formal tone throughout the conclusion.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

  1. Quoted text: "Recent years have witnessed the increasing number of people are opting for cosmetic operations to improve their complexions. This essay will first outline the underlying reasons behind this trend, before concluding that the disadvantages of this trend outweigh its advantages."

    • Explanation and Suggestions for Improvement: Your introduction is somewhat clear in outlining the essay’s direction, but it lacks a concise statement of your position on whether the trend is positive or negative. It’s crucial to explicitly state your stance in the introduction to guide the reader. Consider rephrasing to make your position more evident. For example, "Recent years have witnessed a surge in individuals opting for cosmetic operations to enhance their complexions. This essay will explore the driving factors behind this trend, ultimately arguing that the drawbacks outweigh the benefits."
    • Improved example: "Recent years have witnessed a surge in individuals opting for cosmetic operations to enhance their complexions. This essay will explore the driving factors behind this trend, ultimately arguing that the drawbacks, both financial and health-related, outweigh the perceived benefits."
  2. Quoted text: "Despite the various advantages of complexion surgeries, I am of the opinion that this trend is riddled with a litany of problems, particularly concerning financial aspects and physical health."

    • Explanation and Suggestions for Improvement: While you express your opinion clearly, it would be beneficial to provide a brief roadmap of the main points you will discuss in the body paragraphs. This will enhance the structure and clarity of your essay. For instance, "Despite acknowledging certain benefits of complexion surgeries, this essay will delve into the significant financial burdens and potential health risks associated with such procedures, supporting the argument that the drawbacks outweigh the advantages."
    • Improved example: "Despite acknowledging certain benefits of complexion surgeries, this essay will delve into the significant financial burdens and potential health risks associated with such procedures, supporting the argument that the drawbacks, both in terms of financial strain and health implications, outweigh the perceived advantages."
  3. Quoted text: "In conclusion, the increasing preference for complexion surgeries to alter physical appearance stems from the desire to address physical deformities and enhance self-confidence. However, I maintain that this trend poses potential threats to both financial well-being and physical health."

    • Explanation and Suggestions for Improvement: Your conclusion succinctly summarizes your main points. However, consider reinforcing your position on whether this trend is positive or negative. For instance, "In conclusion, while the desire to address physical imperfections and boost self-confidence drives the increasing preference for complexion surgeries, the potential threats to both financial well-being and physical health underscore the negative repercussions of this trend."
    • Improved example: "In conclusion, while the desire to address physical imperfections and boost self-confidence drives the increasing preference for complexion surgeries, the potential threats to both financial well-being and physical health underscore the negative repercussions of this trend."

Overall, your essay demonstrates a reasonable understanding of the task response criteria. Focus on refining the clarity of your introduction, providing a roadmap in your thesis statement, and reinforcing your position in the conclusion for improved coherence and persuasiveness.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates a logical organization of information and ideas, with clear progression throughout. The introduction effectively outlines the purpose of the essay, and the body paragraphs present reasons behind the trend and the author’s stance. Cohesive devices are used appropriately, contributing to the overall coherence. The central topics within each paragraph are clear. The essay has a well-defined conclusion that summarizes the main points.

How to improve:
To enhance coherence further, consider refining the transitions between sentences and paragraphs. While cohesive devices are used appropriately, more variety could be introduced for a richer text. Additionally, ensure that referencing and substitution are consistently clear and accurate. Pay attention to the balance of information presented in each paragraph to maintain a logical flow. Overall, the essay is strong but can benefit from minor refinements in cohesion.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates a sufficient range of vocabulary with some flexibility and precision. There is evidence of less common lexical items and an attempt at style and collocation. The writer effectively conveys ideas and arguments using a varied vocabulary. However, there are occasional errors in word choice and collocation. For example, the phrase "a litany of problems" is a sophisticated expression, but it might be considered a bit too formal in the context of the essay. Additionally, there are instances where word choice and expression could be refined for more precision.

How to improve:
To enhance the lexical resource score, the writer should aim for more precise and accurate word choices. While the essay contains a variety of vocabulary, attention to context-specific appropriateness and avoidance of overly formal expressions can further improve the lexical range. Additionally, refining the use of less common lexical items with increased accuracy in word choice and collocation will contribute to a more polished and sophisticated essay. Proofreading for occasional errors and refining expressions can elevate the overall lexical resource score.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a variety of sentence structures, including complex sentences, contributing to a fairly good grammatical range. There is evidence of error-free sentences, and overall control of grammar and punctuation is solid. However, there are some noticeable errors and inaccuracies that prevent it from achieving a higher score. For instance, there are issues with subject-verb agreement, word choice, and awkward phrasing that slightly impact the fluency and accuracy of expression. These errors are more than "occasional" but do not dominate the essay.

How to improve: To enhance the grammatical range and accuracy, the writer should pay more attention to precision in word choice, ensuring proper subject-verb agreement, and refining sentence structures. A careful proofreading session could help identify and correct these errors, improving the overall coherence and fluency of the essay. Additionally, expanding the range of vocabulary and using more varied sentence structures can elevate the essay to a higher band score.

Bài sửa mẫu

In recent times, there has been a noticeable surge in people choosing cosmetic procedures to improve their skin. This essay aims to highlight the reasons behind this trend before discussing why, in my view, the drawbacks outweigh the benefits.

The inclination towards procedures aimed at enhancing one’s complexion can be attributed to a couple of primary factors. Firstly, individuals often opt for these procedures to boost their self-esteem. Even though many are naturally attractive, they aspire to refine their appearance to exude more confidence and youthfulness. For instance, several Vietnamese personalities have invested considerably in complexion enhancements to maintain their youthful look and appeal to their audience. Another motivation stems from addressing physical imperfections; some individuals might have innate flaws or acquired skin issues due to accidents or injuries, prompting them to seek surgery for correction.

Despite the potential advantages of complexion surgeries, I firmly believe that this trend comes with numerous issues, especially concerning finances and physical well-being. Financially, these surgeries often come with hefty costs, ranging from hundreds to even thousands of dollars. This financial burden can severely impact those opting for these procedures, potentially leading to financial strain. Moreover, in terms of physical health, undergoing cosmetic procedures, including those for complexions, carries inherent risks such as infections and scarring. Additionally, individuals undergoing these surgeries might need to take medications that could adversely affect their overall health.

In conclusion, the growing inclination towards complexion surgeries to alter one’s physical appearance arises from the desire to rectify physical flaws and bolster self-assurance. However, I am of the opinion that this trend poses potential threats to both financial stability and physical health.

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