Music plays an important role in society, others think it is simply a form of entertainment for individuals. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

Opinions are divided upon whether music is a cornerstone of human society or just a mere invention that serves people's recreational desires. In my opinion, while music is detached from many utilitarian contraptions in life, it is still an inextricable part of mankind due to its benefits to mental health and morale.
Admittedly, music is not an integral part in societal production and renovation which creates necessities and enhancement for survival and development. Indeed, most of the pivotal sectors of the society which can produce needed commodities and establish the infrastructure for sustainable development do not require music as a crucial part. For instance, industries such as agriculture, AI technology or engineering place more emphasis on the renovation of the labour force and technology as a driving factor for improvement instead of music. Another factor that consolidates this fact is the difference between scientific knowledge and music knowledge. The erudition needed for science and practical uses, unequivocally, are almost separated from artistic knowledge of music. Therefore, those important fields prove independent of music.
On the other hand, many argue that music still holds significance due to its upsides to individuals and society. Not only is music a source of entertainment, it is also beneficial to man's mental well-being. It is evident that music has been widely used in many fields that support mental recovery or growth such as depression treatment or prenatal care. Furthermore, music can encourage individuals to overcome hardships. From war-time entertainment to mental breakdown, music can motivate people despite the tremendous stress that they have to face, thus maintaining the betterment of both individuals and society.
In conclusion, pivotal sectors of mankind society do not necessarily include music to exist and develop. However, I personally believe that communities should regard it as a crucial factor due to its boon for our health and spirit.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"Opinions are divided upon" -> "Opinions are divided on"
Explanation: The preposition "upon" is less commonly used in modern English and can sound archaic. "On" is the more standard choice for this context.
"just a mere invention" -> "merely an invention"
Explanation: The phrase "just a mere" is redundant and informal. "Merely" is more concise and maintains the formal tone.
"detached from many utilitarian contraptions" -> "separate from many practical applications"
Explanation: "Detached from" is vague and informal; "separate from" is clearer and more precise. "Practical applications" is a more appropriate term than "utilitarian contraptions," which is awkward and unclear.
"inextricable part of mankind" -> "integral part of human society"
Explanation: "Inextricable" is not typically used to describe a part of something, and "mankind" is less formal than "human society." "Integral" is the correct term for describing essential components.
"not an integral part in societal production and renovation" -> "not an essential component in societal development"
Explanation: "Integral part" is redundant with "part," and "production and renovation" is vague. "Essential component" and "development" are more precise and appropriate for academic writing.
"creates necessities and enhancement for survival and development" -> "provides necessities and enhancements for survival and development"
Explanation: "Creates" is too broad and informal; "provides" is more specific and formal. "Enhancement" should be plural to match "necessities."
"place more emphasis on the renovation of the labour force and technology" -> "prioritize the development of the workforce and technology"
Explanation: "Renovation" is not typically used in this context; "development" is more accurate. "Labour force" should be "workforce" for standard English usage.
"The erudition needed for science and practical uses" -> "The knowledge required for scientific and practical applications"
Explanation: "Erudition" is overly formal and less commonly used; "knowledge" is more straightforward and appropriate. "Practical uses" is vague; "applications" is more specific.
"almost separated from" -> "largely distinct from"
Explanation: "Almost separated from" is awkward and unclear. "Largely distinct from" is more precise and formal.
"many argue that music still holds significance" -> "many contend that music still holds significance"
Explanation: "Argue" can imply a less formal or more emotional tone; "contend" is more formal and suitable for academic writing.
"upsides to individuals and society" -> "benefits to individuals and society"
Explanation: "Upsides" is informal and less precise; "benefits" is the standard term for advantages.
"man’s mental well-being" -> "human mental well-being"
Explanation: "Man’s" is less formal and can be seen as sexist; "human" is gender-neutral and more appropriate for formal writing.
"many fields that support mental recovery or growth" -> "numerous fields that support mental recovery and growth"
Explanation: "Many" is vague; "numerous" is more precise. Adding "and" after "recovery" corrects the grammatical structure.
"From war-time entertainment to mental breakdown" -> "From wartime entertainment to mental breakdown"
Explanation: "War-time" is less formal and less commonly used; "wartime" is the standard term.
"thus maintaining the betterment of both individuals and society" -> "thus contributing to the betterment of both individuals and society"
Explanation: "Maintaining" implies a static state, whereas "contributing to" suggests a dynamic and ongoing process, which is more accurate in this context.

These changes enhance the formal tone and precision of the essay, aligning it more closely with academic writing standards.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Task Response: 6

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses both views presented in the prompt. It discusses the viewpoint that music is important in society and contrasts it with the perspective that music is primarily entertainment. The introduction clearly presents both sides ("cornerstone of human society" vs. "mere invention for recreational desires"), and these viewpoints are revisited in the conclusion.
- How to improve: While the essay covers both views adequately, enhancing the depth of analysis for each viewpoint could strengthen the response. Providing more specific examples or counterarguments for each perspective would enrich the discussion.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a consistent stance that while music may not be essential for societal productivity and development, it is still valuable due to its positive impact on mental health and morale. This position is explicitly stated in the thesis ("I personally believe that communities should regard it as a crucial factor") and reinforced throughout the body paragraphs.
- How to improve: To further enhance clarity, ensuring that every paragraph consistently ties back to the stated position would prevent any potential ambiguity. Additionally, reinforcing the thesis in the conclusion would provide a more decisive closure.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas clearly with adequate development. For instance, it discusses the utilitarian aspects of music and supports these with examples such as the role of music in depression treatment and wartime morale. However, some ideas, such as the impact on prenatal care, could benefit from further elaboration or citation.
- How to improve: To strengthen idea development, expanding on specific examples and providing statistical or anecdotal evidence would add credibility and depth to the arguments. This would not only support the points made but also demonstrate a broader understanding of the topic.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay largely stays on topic by discussing the roles of music in society and addressing both viewpoints as outlined in the prompt. However, there are moments where the connection between examples and the main argument could be more clearly articulated.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, ensuring that each example directly supports the broader arguments about music’s societal role would prevent any potential tangents. Clearly linking each example back to the thesis or topic sentence of each paragraph would strengthen coherence.

Overall, while the essay effectively addresses the prompt and presents a coherent argument, refining the depth of analysis, providing stronger supporting evidence, and ensuring consistent linkage between examples and arguments would elevate the essay to a higher band score.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 9

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 9

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a clear and effective organizational structure throughout. It starts with an introduction that introduces the topic and the writer’s opinion, followed by two well-developed body paragraphs discussing both views and supporting each with relevant examples. Finally, a concise conclusion summarizes the main points and restates the writer’s opinion.
- How to improve: To further enhance logical flow, ensure that each paragraph transitions smoothly into the next. Consider using linking words or phrases to strengthen coherence, especially between contrasting ideas in the body paragraphs.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively utilizes paragraphs to organize ideas. Each paragraph focuses on a distinct aspect of the argument: introduction (thesis statement), two body paragraphs (discussing differing views on music’s societal role and individual benefits), and a conclusion (summary and personal opinion).
- How to improve: Pay attention to the balance of paragraph length. While the essay maintains coherence, ensuring that each paragraph is well-developed without unnecessary repetition or underdevelopment will further strengthen the essay’s structure.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: Cohesive devices such as "however," "furthermore," "in conclusion," and "admittedly" are effectively employed to connect ideas within and between paragraphs. These devices help maintain coherence by signaling shifts in argumentation or perspective.
- How to improve: To diversify cohesive devices further, consider incorporating a wider range of linking words and phrases (e.g., "on the contrary," "nevertheless," "conversely") to provide nuanced connections between complex ideas. This will elevate the essay’s coherence by offering varied ways to connect and transition between arguments.

Overall, the essay achieves a Band 9 for Coherence and Cohesion by consistently maintaining a clear organizational structure, utilizing paragraphs effectively to develop arguments, and employing a range of cohesive devices to enhance coherence. Further refining transitions and ensuring each paragraph is optimally developed will contribute to even stronger coherence in future writing endeavors.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate variety of vocabulary. There are attempts to use a range of words and phrases such as "cornerstone," "utilitarian," "inextricable," "pivotal," "erudition," and "boon." However, some terms are used somewhat repetitively (e.g., "crucial," "significant"), and a few expressions lack precision or could be more nuanced.
- How to improve: To enhance lexical resource, aim to diversify synonyms for commonly used terms and ensure precise application. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "crucial," consider alternatives like "essential," "integral," or "vital" depending on the context. Additionally, integrate more nuanced vocabulary to reflect deeper understanding and enrich the essay’s overall quality.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally uses vocabulary accurately to convey meaning, but there are instances where precision could be improved. For example, the phrase "utilitarian contraptions" might benefit from a more precise term like "functional devices" or "utilitarian inventions" to avoid ambiguity.
- How to improve: Focus on using vocabulary that precisely fits the intended meaning of each statement. Review each term used and ensure it accurately reflects the context and enhances clarity. Avoid vague or ambiguous terms that may detract from the essay’s coherence and effectiveness.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: Spelling accuracy is generally good throughout the essay, with minor exceptions like "contraptions" instead of "conceptions," and "labour" instead of "labor." These minor errors do not significantly impact readability or comprehension.
- How to improve: To further improve spelling, consider using spell-check tools and reviewing specific words that have been identified as problematic. Additionally, proofreading for spelling errors before finalizing the essay can help eliminate minor mistakes that may distract from the overall quality.

In conclusion, while the essay demonstrates a competent level of lexical resource with a good variety of vocabulary and mostly accurate usage, there is room for improvement in terms of diversifying vocabulary, enhancing precision, and refining spelling accuracy to elevate the clarity and sophistication of the writing.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good range of sentence structures, including complex and compound sentences. There are instances of varied sentence beginnings and lengths, enhancing readability and coherence. For example, the use of introductory phrases like "Admittedly" and "On the other hand" helps in presenting contrasting viewpoints effectively.
- How to improve: To further enhance variety, consider incorporating more conditional sentences (e.g., "If music were more integrated into education, its societal role would expand.") or using passive voice strategically ("Music is often overlooked in discussions about societal development."). This would add depth and sophistication to the argumentation.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: Overall, the essay demonstrates a generally accurate use of grammar and punctuation. However, there are a few instances where subject-verb agreement could be strengthened (e.g., "Industries such as agriculture… place more emphasis"), and minor punctuation errors (e.g., missing commas in lists) are present but do not significantly impede understanding.
- How to improve: Focus on ensuring consistent subject-verb agreement throughout the essay. For instance, review sentences that involve complex noun phrases or multiple subjects to ensure verbs match correctly. Additionally, pay attention to using commas correctly in complex sentences to clarify meaning and improve readability.

In summary, while the essay effectively utilizes a variety of sentence structures to present arguments cohesively, attention to refining grammar consistency and punctuation accuracy will further elevate the clarity and precision of the writing. These enhancements will contribute to a more polished and refined expression of ideas, aligning more closely with higher band descriptors for Grammatical Range and Accuracy.

Bài sửa mẫu

Opinions are divided on whether music is an essential component of human society or merely an invention that fulfills people’s recreational desires. In my view, while music is separate from many practical applications in life, it remains an integral part of mankind due to its benefits to mental health and morale.

Admittedly, music is not a crucial part of societal development which provides necessities and enhancements for survival and growth. Indeed, sectors crucial to society, such as agriculture, AI technology, and engineering, prioritize the development of the workforce and technology as essential for progress, rather than music. The knowledge required for scientific and practical applications is largely distinct from the artistic knowledge of music, reinforcing the idea that these fields operate independently of music.

However, many contend that music still holds significance due to its benefits to individuals and society. Music serves not only as entertainment but also supports human mental well-being. It is widely utilized in numerous fields that support mental recovery and growth, such as depression treatment and prenatal care. Moreover, music has historically played a role in uplifting morale during challenging times, from wartime entertainment to periods of mental distress, thereby contributing to the betterment of both individuals and society.

In conclusion, while pivotal sectors of human society do not require music for their existence and development, I personally believe that communities should recognize its importance as it provides significant benefits for our health and overall well-being.