Narrative writing

A supernova – a remarkable occurrence of nature that rocked the entire galaxy – happened just

As fire sprang from the ashes. The two huge stars started a deadly dance while faraway stars glowed in the pitch-black night sky. They had been in a perpetual embrace and orbiting each other for years, but their time together was coming to an end. They drifted closer and closer together slowly but definitely as their gravitational tug intensified; it produced a tremendous quantity of energy and briefly illuminated the whole cosmos.
The young astronomer, Ushio Noa, sat alone in her lab; the flickering light from her computer screen shone on her gorgeous white hair and piercing blue eyes. Since Noa had always been drawn to the stars, she had committed her life to unlocking the mysteries of the cosmos. But her passion came at a steep cost: her parents, who were both well-known scientists, engaged in a protracted argument that ultimately resulted in their deaths over a fundamental scientific theory. The young woman was saddened by their passing, but she was determined that their sacrifice would not be in vain. She realized that the greatest way to honor their memory was to continue their work and strive for perfection.
She poured over the information from her most recent observations and sensed a spark of optimism. She had uncovered a brand-new supernova scientific law that would completely alter how astronomers perceive these enormous explosions. Noa started typing her results with shaking fingers, as her pulse raced with eagerness. As the young scientist examined her data and revised her assumptions, days slipped into weeks, and then into months. She was aware that her research was innovative and had the potential to alter the direction of science.

Noa carefully examined the data from her most recent observations and felt a glimmer of hope.

She had discovered an entirely new supernova scientific law that will revolutionize how astronomers see these massive explosions. With trembling fingers and an excited heart, she began recording her findings; it was a groundbreaking discovery with the potential to change astronomy forever. Days turned into weeks, then into months, as the young scientist reviewed her data and updated her theories. She understood that her work was ground-breaking and had the potential to change the course of science.
The computer's gentle illumination lit up the young astronomer's worn-out face as she sat crouched over it. She had spent weeks poring through data, searching for any cues that would lead her to the answers to the mysteries of the cosmos. Finally, she had found it. With trembling fingers and an excited heart, she began recording her findings. She was aware of the formation of black holes and the vast amount of energy they released; it was a groundbreaking discovery with the potential to change astronomy forever.
Uncertainties began to appear as she was ready to deliver her results to her colleagues: who this young woman with little experience who made such sweeping generalizations? Would they ever give her a thought? Despite having a knot in her stomach, she was not going to be deterred.

The young astronomer inhaled deeply and stood up to the platform the day of the presenta

Despite her heart beating and her palms sweaty, she held her head high and started speaking. She answered, her voice firm and confident, "I have worked out how black holes emerge. And l've disa that they use an absurd amount of energy doing it."

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Errors and Improvements:

"A supernova – a remarkable occurrence of nature that rocked the entire galaxy – happened just As fire sprang from the ashes."
-> "A supernova, a remarkable celestial event that reverberated throughout the entire galaxy, occurred. As a consequence, fire sprang forth from the ashes."
Explanation: Replacing the informal expression "rocked" with "reverberated" and restructuring the sentence enhances formality and clarity. Additionally, the improved phrasing avoids the abrupt transition between the mention of a supernova and the subsequent metaphor.
"They had been in a perpetual embrace and orbiting each other for years, but their time together was coming to an end."
-> "They had been in a continuous gravitational embrace and orbiting each other for years, but their celestial companionship was drawing to a close."
Explanation: Substituting "perpetual" with "continuous" and refining the wording to "celestial companionship" aligns with a more formal tone. This modification maintains the scientific nature of the description.
"The young astronomer, Ushio Noa, sat alone in her lab; the flickering light from her computer screen shone on her gorgeous white hair and piercing blue eyes."
-> "The young astronomer, Ushio Noa, sat alone in her laboratory; the flickering light from her computer screen illuminated her distinctive white hair and penetrating blue eyes."
Explanation: Changing "lab" to "laboratory" and describing the astronomer’s features more objectively enhances the formal tone. It avoids the use of subjective terms like "gorgeous" and "piercing."
"Since Noa had always been drawn to the stars, she had committed her life to unlocking the mysteries of the cosmos."
-> "Owing to Noa’s enduring fascination with the stars, she devoted her life to unraveling the mysteries of the cosmos."
Explanation: Substituting "drawn" with "fascination" and rephrasing the sentence provides a more formal and precise expression of Noa’s dedication to studying the cosmos.
"She poured over the information from her most recent observations and sensed a spark of optimism."
-> "She pored over the information from her most recent observations and discerned a spark of optimism."
Explanation: Correcting the misspelling of "poured" to "pored" and replacing "sensed" with "discerned" improves accuracy and formality in describing the astronomer’s engagement with her data.
"Noa started typing her results with shaking fingers, as her pulse raced with eagerness."
-> "Noa began entering her results with trembling fingers, as her pulse quickened with eagerness."
Explanation: Using "began entering" instead of "started typing" and "quickened" instead of "raced" contributes to a more formal and precise description of Noa’s actions and emotions.
"She had uncovered a brand-new supernova scientific law that would completely alter how astronomers perceive these enormous explosions."
-> "She had discovered a novel scientific law regarding supernovae that could fundamentally alter astronomers’ perceptions of these colossal explosions."
Explanation: Replacing "brand-new" with "novel" and refining the wording of the sentence enhances formality and clarity while maintaining accuracy in describing the scientific discovery.
"She understood that her work was ground-breaking and had the potential to change the course of science."
-> "She recognized that her work was groundbreaking and had the potential to influence the trajectory of scientific understanding."
Explanation: Substituting "understood" with "recognized" and rephrasing the sentence contributes to a more formal and precise expression of Noa’s awareness of the impact of her research.
"The computer’s gentle illumination lit up the young astronomer’s worn-out face as she sat crouched over it."
-> "The computer’s subtle illumination illuminated the young astronomer’s fatigued visage as she hunched over it."
Explanation: Replacing "gentle" with "subtle" and describing the astronomer’s face as "fatigued visage" instead of "worn-out face" maintains formality and provides a more refined expression.
"Uncertainties began to appear as she was ready to deliver her results to her colleagues: who this young woman with little experience who made such sweeping generalizations? Would they ever give her a thought?"
-> "Uncertainties began to arise as she prepared to present her findings to her colleagues: Who is this young woman with limited experience making such sweeping generalizations? Would they even consider her insights?"
Explanation: Restructuring the sentences and using more precise wording improves clarity and formality. The improved version avoids the informal use of the word "thought" at the end of the passage.
"Despite her heart beating and her palms sweaty, she held her head high and started speaking."
-> "Despite her elevated heart rate and clammy palms, she maintained an upright posture and commenced her presentation."
Explanation: Replacing "beating" with "elevated heart rate" and "sweaty" with "clammy" contributes to a more formal and precise description of the astronomer’s physical state during the presentation.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay adequately addresses the narrative writing prompt by describing the discovery of a supernova and the young astronomer’s journey. The narrative captures the elements of a scientific breakthrough and personal determination, as prompted by the narrative writing task.
- How to improve: While the narrative is engaging, ensure that each component of the narrative prompt is explicitly covered. Consider incorporating more explicit elements related to the narrative structure, such as setting, characters, and plot development, to provide a more comprehensive response.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position by narrating the young astronomer’s quest for discovery and her commitment to continuing her parents’ scientific work. The position is consistent and effectively communicated.
- How to improve: To enhance clarity, consider reinforcing the central position through explicit statements or reflections by the narrator, reinforcing the significance of the scientific discovery.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The ideas are presented with vivid descriptions, extending the narrative with the portrayal of the supernova and the protagonist’s emotions. However, some aspects lack depth, and certain scientific details could be further elaborated for a more comprehensive understanding.
- How to improve: Extend the discussion on the scientific aspects of the discovery, providing more detailed explanations of the supernova scientific law and its potential implications. Strengthen the connection between the personal and scientific aspects of the story for a more nuanced portrayal.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on the topic of narrative writing about the discovery of a supernova and the young astronomer’s journey. However, there is a slight deviation towards the end, where the focus shifts abruptly to black holes.
- How to improve: Ensure that the narrative maintains a consistent focus on the discovery of the supernova and its impact. If introducing additional elements like black holes, integrate them seamlessly into the narrative to avoid abrupt shifts.

In summary, the essay effectively fulfills the narrative writing task, but improvements can be made by explicitly covering all narrative components, reinforcing the central position, providing more detailed scientific explanations, and maintaining a consistent focus on the supernova discovery.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a generally logical organization of information. It starts with a vivid description of a supernova, transitions to the protagonist, Ushio Noa, and her passion for astronomy. The narrative then smoothly progresses through her scientific discovery and the challenges she faces. The logical flow is maintained, connecting the various elements of the story.
- How to improve: While the overall organization is effective, consider refining the introduction to provide more context on the significance of the supernova, setting a stronger foundation for Ushio Noa’s narrative. Additionally, ensure a seamless transition between paragraphs to enhance the coherence of the essay.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs paragraphs effectively, each focusing on a specific aspect of the narrative. However, there’s room for improvement in terms of paragraph structure. For instance, the second-to-last paragraph seems abrupt, and its connection to the preceding paragraphs could be strengthened for a smoother transition.
- How to improve: Work on maintaining a consistent structure for paragraphs. Ensure that each paragraph has a clear topic sentence, supporting details, and a smooth transition to the next. In the penultimate paragraph, provide a more gradual lead-in to the protagonist’s presentation for better cohesion.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay incorporates some cohesive devices, such as temporal markers ("Days turned into weeks") and pronouns ("She had spent weeks poring through data"). However, there is an opportunity to diversify the use of these devices further to enhance the overall cohesion of the essay.
- How to improve: Introduce a variety of cohesive devices, including conjunctions (e.g., "Furthermore," "Moreover"), transitional phrases (e.g., "In addition," "Consequently"), and synonyms for smoother transitions. This will create a more connected and cohesive narrative flow, strengthening the overall coherence and cohesion of the essay.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong coherence and cohesion, but refinement in the introduction, paragraph structure, and the use of cohesive devices can elevate it to an even higher level.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable effort in using a diverse range of vocabulary. Phrases like "perpetual embrace," "gravitational tug," and "tremendous quantity of energy" contribute to a vivid description of the celestial event. However, there is room for improvement in incorporating more advanced and nuanced vocabulary to enhance the richness of expression.
- How to improve: To elevate the lexical range, consider integrating more specialized terms related to astronomy and scientific discovery. For instance, instead of "tremendous quantity of energy," you might use "astronomical energy output" to add precision and sophistication.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally employs vocabulary with reasonable precision. However, there are instances where the usage could be more accurate. For example, the repetition of phrases like "trembling fingers and an excited heart" could be refined to avoid redundancy. Additionally, the term "disa" is unclear and seems to be a typographical error.
- How to improve: To enhance precision, diversify the language used to describe emotions and actions. Instead of repetition, explore synonyms or alternative expressions. Also, ensure that all terms are spelled correctly, and if "disa" is a term intended for use, provide clarity or use a more conventional expression.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay displays a generally accurate spelling level, but there are a few notable errors, such as "pour" instead of "pore" and the incomplete word "disa." These instances may slightly impact the overall coherence of the essay.
- How to improve: Pay close attention to proofreading to catch and rectify spelling errors. For instance, in the sentence "She poured over the information," it should be "pored over." Additionally, review the text for incomplete words or phrases and ensure all terms are spelled correctly. Consider utilizing spell-check tools or seeking feedback from others to improve spelling accuracy.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a solid foundation in lexical resource, but refining vocabulary precision and spelling accuracy will contribute to a more polished and sophisticated piece of writing.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a fair variety of sentence structures. It employs simple, compound, and complex sentences to convey information about the supernova and the young astronomer’s discoveries. There is an attempt at complexity with sentences like "Days turned into weeks, then into months," but overall, the variety is limited.
- How to improve: To enhance the grammatical range, the writer should consider incorporating more complex sentence structures, such as using subordinate clauses or varying the placement of dependent and independent clauses. Additionally, engaging in a mix of sentence lengths can contribute to a smoother and more dynamic flow.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: There are several instances of grammatical and punctuation inaccuracies throughout the essay. For example, in the sentence "Despite having a knot in her stomach, she was not going to be deterred," there’s a lack of parallelism in the phrasing. Also, there is an abrupt ending to the essay, lacking a properly formed conclusion.
- How to improve: To enhance grammatical accuracy, the writer should pay attention to parallel structure and ensure consistency in sentence construction. Additionally, a well-structured conclusion is crucial for a cohesive essay. It should summarize key points and leave a lasting impression on the reader. Reviewing and editing for punctuation errors, such as missing commas or periods, will contribute to a more polished piece.

In summary, while the essay adequately uses a variety of sentence structures, there is room for improvement in introducing more complexity. Furthermore, attention to grammatical accuracy, parallelism, and punctuation will elevate the overall quality of the writing. Regular proofreading and revisions are recommended to catch and correct these issues, ensuring a more refined and effective essay.

Bài sửa mẫu

A supernova, an extraordinary natural event that shook the entire galaxy, occurred, and fire emerged from the ashes. The two massive stars engaged in a deadly dance, while distant stars glowed in the pitch-black night sky. They had been in a perpetual embrace, orbiting each other for years, but their time together was drawing to a close. Drifting closer slowly but surely, their gravitational tug intensified, producing a tremendous amount of energy that briefly illuminated the entire cosmos.

The young astronomer, Ushio Noa, sat alone in her lab; the flickering light from her computer screen illuminated her beautiful white hair and piercing blue eyes. Noa, captivated by the stars, had devoted her life to unlocking the mysteries of the cosmos. Her passion came at a cost – her parents, both renowned scientists, perished in a prolonged argument over a fundamental scientific theory. Despite the sadness of their passing, she was determined to honor their memory by continuing their work and striving for perfection.

Pouring over the information from her recent observations, Noa sensed a spark of optimism. She had uncovered a completely new scientific law related to supernovae that would revolutionize astronomers’ understanding of these colossal explosions. With trembling fingers and a racing pulse, she began recording her groundbreaking findings. Days turned into weeks, and then into months, as she meticulously reviewed her data and refined her theories, aware of the innovative nature of her research and its potential to reshape the course of science.

The gentle illumination from the computer highlighted the young astronomer’s fatigued face as she crouched over it. Weeks of poring through data had finally led her to the answers to the mysteries of the cosmos. With trembling fingers and an excited heart, she documented her findings, realizing the groundbreaking nature of her discovery and its potential to revolutionize astronomy.

Uncertainties surfaced as she prepared to present her results to her colleagues: who was this young woman with limited experience making sweeping generalizations? Would they even consider her insights? Despite the elevated heart rate and clammy palms, she maintained an upright posture and commenced her presentation.

Inhaling deeply, she stood up on the day of the presentation. Despite her heart beating and palms being sweaty, she held her head high and confidently addressed, “I have unraveled the emergence of black holes and discovered that they use an astonishing amount of energy in the process.”