NGỌC NHI 6.5F.Percentage of Malaysian men and woman who exerise regularly.

The given bar chart graph illustrates percentage of Malaysian men and woman who exerise regularly. Overall, the number of female's highest number for 45 to 54 age groups and in contrast, the number of male's lowest number for 35 to 44 age groups about percentage of Malaysian men and women who exerise regularly. In addition, the number of male is higher than female's. The specific stats are over 50% for the former and over 40% for the later for 15-24 age group about percentage in Malaysian. But in stead the amount of male is lower than that of female about 40% and close to 50% for 25 to 34 age group. According to the data, the number of male is lower than female about close to 40% and over 50% for 35 to 44 age groups. Overall, it could be seen that the number of male is lower than female about over 40% and over 50% for 45 to 54 age group percentage of Malaysian men and woman who exerise regulary. Similarity, the number of male is lower than female's. The specific stats are over 40% for the former and over 50% about 55 to 64 age groups for the later.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"The given bar chart graph" -> "The provided bar chart"
Explanation: "Bar chart graph" is redundant; "bar chart" is sufficient and more precise. "Provided" is more formal than "given."
"Malaysian men and woman" -> "Malaysian men and women"
Explanation: "Woman" should be pluralized to "women" to maintain grammatical accuracy and consistency.
"exerise" -> "exercise"
Explanation: "Exercise" is the correct spelling of the verb.
"female’s highest number" -> "the highest percentage for females"
Explanation: "Female’s" is possessive and incorrect; "the highest percentage for females" is grammatically correct and clearer.
"male’s lowest number" -> "the lowest percentage for males"
Explanation: Similar correction as above.
"in contrast, the number of male’s" -> "in contrast, the lowest percentage for males"
Explanation: Corrects the possessive error and maintains consistency with previous corrections.
"over 50% for the former and over 40% for the later" -> "more than 50% for the former and more than 40% for the latter"
Explanation: "The latter" is the correct term to refer to the second item in a comparison, and "more than" is more precise than "over" in this context.
"in stead" -> "instead"
Explanation: Corrects the spelling of "instead."
"the amount of male is lower than that of female" -> "the proportion of males is lower than that of females"
Explanation: "Proportion" is more precise than "amount" in this context, and maintaining parallel structure with "males" and "females."
"close to 50%" -> "approaching 50%"
Explanation: "Approaching" is a more formal and precise term than "close to."
"the number of male is lower than female" -> "the proportion of males is lower than that of females"
Explanation: Again, maintains parallel structure and corrects the possessive error.
"over 40% and over 50%" -> "more than 40% and more than 50%"
Explanation: "More than" is more formal and precise than "over" in this context.
"Similarity, the number of male is lower than female’s" -> "Similarly, the proportion of males is lower than that of females"
Explanation: Corrects the possessive error and maintains parallel structure.
"over 40% for the former and over 50% about 55 to 64 age groups for the later" -> "more than 40% for the former and more than 50% for the latter in the 55 to 64 age group"
Explanation: Corrects "the later" to "the latter" and clarifies the reference to the age group.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 4

Band Score: 4

Explanation: The essay attempts to address the task but does not cover all key features/bullet points. The essay does not provide a clear overview of the main trends in the data. The essay also includes some irrelevant and inaccurate information.

How to improve: The essay could be improved by providing a clearer overview of the main trends in the data. The essay should also focus on providing accurate and relevant information. The essay should also be more concise and avoid repetition. For example, the essay could be improved by stating that the percentage of Malaysian men who exercise regularly is generally lower than the percentage of Malaysian women who exercise regularly. The essay could also be improved by providing more specific details about the data, such as the exact percentages for each age group.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0
Explanation: The essay presents information with some organization, but there is a noticeable lack of overall progression. While it attempts to convey the data from the bar chart, the structure is confusing, and the ideas do not flow logically. The use of cohesive devices is inadequate and often inaccurate, leading to repetition and a lack of clarity. Paragraphing is present but not effectively utilized, making it difficult for the reader to follow the argument.
How to improve: To enhance coherence and cohesion, the writer should focus on organizing the information in a more logical sequence, ensuring that each paragraph has a clear central topic. The use of cohesive devices should be varied and appropriate, avoiding redundancy. Additionally, improving the clarity of referencing and substitution will help the reader understand the relationships between ideas better. Finally, a clear introduction and conclusion would provide a stronger framework for the essay.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of vocabulary that is minimally adequate for the task. While it attempts to convey the information from the bar chart, the vocabulary used is repetitive and lacks variety. There are noticeable errors in spelling (e.g., "exerise" instead of "exercise," "woman" instead of "women," "later" instead of "latter") and word formation, which may cause some difficulty for the reader in understanding the intended meaning. The essay does not effectively utilize less common lexical items or demonstrate an awareness of collocation, which is necessary for a higher band score.
How to improve: To enhance the Lexical Resource score, the writer should focus on expanding their vocabulary by incorporating a wider range of synonyms and phrases relevant to the topic. Additionally, attention should be paid to spelling and grammatical accuracy. Practicing the use of less common vocabulary and ensuring appropriate word choices in context will also help improve the overall quality of the essay.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of grammatical structures, primarily relying on simple sentences with some attempts at complex forms. However, there are frequent grammatical errors, particularly in subject-verb agreement and word choice (e.g., "woman" should be "women," "male’s" should be "males," "female’s" should be "females"). These errors can cause some difficulty for the reader in understanding the intended meaning. The punctuation is also inconsistent, which further detracts from clarity. Overall, while the essay attempts to convey information, the grammatical inaccuracies and limited range of structures hinder effective communication.
How to improve: To enhance the grammatical range and accuracy, the writer should focus on the following:

Expand Sentence Variety: Incorporate a broader range of complex sentence structures and ensure that subordinate clauses are used correctly.
Practice Subject-Verb Agreement: Pay attention to pluralization and ensure that nouns and verbs agree in number.
Improve Vocabulary Usage: Use the correct forms of words (e.g., "women" instead of "woman") and avoid redundancy in phrasing.
Proofread for Errors: Take time to review the essay for grammatical and punctuation errors before submission to ensure clarity and coherence.

Bài sửa mẫu

The given bar chart illustrates the percentage of Malaysian men and women who exercise regularly. Overall, the highest percentage of females is observed in the 45 to 54 age group, while the lowest percentage of males is found in the 35 to 44 age group regarding the percentage of Malaysian men and women who exercise regularly. In addition, the percentage of males is higher than that of females. Specifically, the statistics show over 50% for males and over 40% for females in the 15 to 24 age group. However, the percentage of males is lower than that of females, at around 40% and close to 50% for the 25 to 34 age group. According to the data, the percentage of males is lower than that of females, at close to 40% and over 50% for the 35 to 44 age group. Overall, it can be seen that the percentage of males is lower than that of females, at over 40% and over 50% for the 45 to 54 age group regarding the percentage of Malaysian men and women who exercise regularly. Similarly, the percentage of males is lower than that of females. The specific statistics show over 40% for males and over 50% for females in the 55 to 64 age group.