Nowadays, a growing number of people with health problems are trying alternative medicines and treatments instead of visiting their usual doctor. Do you think this is a positive or a negative development?

Used extensively in many different sections of the world, traditional treatment plays an indispensable role in our lives, from past to present. While acknowledging that this method exists some benefits, from my perspective, this is a negative growth that the drawbacks are worth carefully considering.

Beginning with positive aspects, domestic treatment offers time-saving that meets busy people’s demand. For example, businessmen, whose work requires travel frequently on business, have no spare time to schedule an appointment with their medical providers so whenever they feel uncomfortable with their health, available methods are the only choice they have. Furthermore, instead of purchasing costly payments for commuting and diagnoses, with the assistance of the Internet, patients can independently utilize treatments like acupuncture or some traditional therapy, and home-made medications related to their problems with a minimum of their budgets.

On the contrary, imprudent aids can pose formidable effects for our health. This is because we do not possess enough understanding to diagnose the exact character of our disease to take accurate medical treatment. Whereby that action can damage our health and leave long-lasting sequelae. Thus, to assure that our health is stable, anytime you sense a warning indication from your body, organize an appointment with your medical adviser as soon as possible to know what is wrong with your health and take proper treatments instead of undertaking that at home.

In conclusion, after demonstrating that there are conveniences yielded from utilizing medical alternatives, we need to carefully consider the negative consequences that can arise to alleviate the worst cases of our health.

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Errors and Improvements:

"Used extensively in many different sections of the world" -> "Widely employed across diverse regions of the world"
Explanation: "Used extensively" is a bit informal for academic writing. "Widely employed" maintains clarity while sounding more formal and appropriate.
"traditional treatment plays an indispensable role in our lives, from past to present" -> "traditional treatments play a crucial role in society, spanning from antiquity to the present day"
Explanation: "Plays an indispensable role" is somewhat colloquial. "Crucial role in society" is more formal and precise. "Spanning from antiquity to the present day" adds historical context elegantly.
"While acknowledging that this method exists some benefits" -> "While acknowledging some benefits of this approach"
Explanation: "Exists some benefits" is awkward and informal. "Some benefits of this approach" is more direct and suitable for academic writing.
"negative growth" -> "disadvantageous aspect"
Explanation: "Negative growth" is not clear in meaning and could imply economic decline. "Disadvantageous aspect" more accurately reflects the intended meaning in the context of drawbacks.
"domestic treatment offers time-saving that meets busy people’s demand" -> "home-based treatments offer time efficiency, catering to the demands of busy individuals"
Explanation: "Domestic treatment" is ambiguous and could imply household chores. "Home-based treatments" clarifies the context. "Time-saving that meets busy people’s demand" is informal; "time efficiency, catering to the demands of busy individuals" is more formal and precise.
"available methods are the only choice they have" -> "available methods become their sole recourse"
Explanation: "The only choice they have" is colloquial. "Their sole recourse" is more formal and concise.
"instead of purchasing costly payments" -> "instead of incurring expensive costs"
Explanation: "Purchasing costly payments" is redundant and awkward. "Incurring expensive costs" is clearer and more formal.
"imprudent aids" -> "unwise practices"
Explanation: "Imprudent aids" is not clear and sounds informal. "Unwise practices" is more direct and suitable for academic style.
"can pose formidable effects for our health" -> "can have serious implications for our health"
Explanation: "Pose formidable effects" is awkward. "Have serious implications" is clearer and more formal.
"to assure that our health is stable" -> "to ensure our health remains stable"
Explanation: "Assure that" is not grammatically correct here. "Ensure our health remains stable" is the appropriate phrase.
"organize an appointment" -> "schedule an appointment"
Explanation: "Organize an appointment" is less common and informal compared to "schedule an appointment," which is standard in formal writing.
"to alleviate the worst cases of our health" -> "to mitigate severe health outcomes"
Explanation: "Alleviate the worst cases of our health" is unclear. "Mitigate severe health outcomes" is more precise and formal.

In conclusion, these revisions aim to enhance clarity, formality, and precision in the vocabulary used, aligning with academic writing standards.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Task Response: 6

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay partially addresses both sides of the issue. It acknowledges the convenience and cost-effectiveness of alternative treatments but primarily focuses on the drawbacks of not visiting a doctor.
- The essay acknowledges the convenience of alternative treatments for busy individuals who travel frequently and the cost savings associated with home treatments.
- However, the essay does not fully explore the positive aspects of using alternative medicines nor does it discuss the potential benefits of traditional doctor visits.
- How to improve: To improve, the essay should:
- Clearly address both the positive and negative aspects of the issue, as required by the prompt.
- Provide specific examples and details to support both perspectives.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay’s position is clear throughout. It argues that the trend toward using alternative medicines instead of visiting a doctor is a negative development.
- The position is stated in the introduction ("this is a negative growth") and is consistently maintained throughout the essay.
- Examples and arguments throughout the essay support this stance.
- How to improve: To maintain a clear and consistent position:
- Ensure that all examples and arguments directly support the stance taken.
- Consider acknowledging potential opposing viewpoints briefly, to strengthen the argument.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas adequately, but they are not fully developed or supported.
- Ideas are presented in a basic manner, such as convenience and cost savings, without much elaboration.
- Examples provided lack detail and specific evidence.
- How to improve: To present, extend, and support ideas more effectively:
- Provide more specific and detailed examples to support arguments.
- Develop each idea fully, with clear reasoning and evidence.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay mostly stays on topic, but it deviates in some areas.
- The essay occasionally strays into discussions of traditional treatments but does not fully explore this aspect.
- Some arguments are not directly related to the main topic of alternative medicines versus traditional doctors.
- How to improve: To stay more closely on topic:
- Focus each paragraph on addressing the specific aspects of the prompt.
- Avoid discussing tangential issues that are not directly relevant to the main topic.

Overall, while the essay presents a clear argument against the trend of using alternative medicines over traditional doctors, it would benefit from a more balanced approach that fully explores both sides of the issue. Additionally, providing more detailed examples and staying more closely on topic would strengthen the essay’s coherence and effectiveness in addressing the prompt.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a generally logical organization by presenting both positive and negative aspects of using alternative medicine. It begins with discussing the positive aspects and follows with the negative consequences, concluding with a balanced summary. Each paragraph focuses on one main idea, contributing to the overall coherence.
- How to improve: To enhance logical flow, ensure each paragraph transitions smoothly into the next. Explicitly linking ideas between paragraphs can strengthen coherence. For example, connecting the consequences mentioned in the negative aspects to the benefits discussed earlier could provide a clearer narrative progression.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively uses paragraphs to separate different aspects of the argument. Each paragraph starts with a clear topic sentence and develops its main idea with relevant examples and explanations. This structure aids in readability and organization.
- How to improve: To further improve paragraphing, consider varying sentence structure within paragraphs to maintain reader engagement. Additionally, ensuring that each paragraph directly supports the thesis statement and transitions logically from the previous one can enhance coherence.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay utilizes a range of cohesive devices such as transition words ("Furthermore," "On the contrary," "Thus," "In conclusion") and pronouns ("this method," "these drawbacks"). These devices help to connect ideas within and between sentences and paragraphs, contributing to overall coherence.
- How to improve: To diversify cohesive devices, consider incorporating more advanced connectors (e.g., "Moreover," "Nevertheless," "Consequently") to show deeper relationships between ideas. Additionally, ensure cohesive devices are used consistently throughout the essay to maintain coherence and clarity.

Overall, while the essay effectively organizes its content into coherent paragraphs and uses a variety of cohesive devices, improvements could be made in explicitly linking ideas across paragraphs and diversifying the types of cohesive devices used. These refinements would further enhance the logical flow and structural coherence of the essay.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a fair range of vocabulary, with some attempt at varied expressions. For instance, terms like "indispensable role," "domestic treatment," "time-saving," "conveniences," and "sequelae" show an attempt to vary vocabulary. However, some phrases lack precision and could benefit from more sophisticated lexical choices.
- How to improve: To enhance lexical variety, consider using more nuanced synonyms and idiomatic expressions where appropriate. For example, instead of "domestic treatment," consider "alternative therapies" or "non-conventional medicine." Expand your range of adjectives and adverbs to add depth to your descriptions and arguments.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: There are instances where vocabulary usage is imprecise. For example, "imprudent aids" could be more precisely stated as "inappropriate treatments." Additionally, "conveniences yielded from utilizing medical alternatives" could be clearer and more precise.
- How to improve: Aim for more exact vocabulary choices that convey your intended meaning clearly. Use words that accurately describe the concept you are discussing. For instance, instead of "conveniences," you might say "benefits" or "advantages," depending on the context.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: Spelling is generally accurate, but there are a few errors such as "sequelae" (should be "sequelae," not "sequelae").
- How to improve: Proofread carefully to catch minor spelling errors like the one noted. Reviewing your work before submission can help ensure accuracy in spelling and consistency in language use.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a reasonable command of vocabulary and spelling, improving precision and expanding the range of vocabulary could strengthen the lexical resource score. Focus on using more precise terms and refining your vocabulary choices to enhance clarity and sophistication in your writing.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of sentence structures. It includes simple sentences, compound sentences, and a few complex structures. For instance, there are examples of complex sentences such as "Beginning with positive aspects, domestic treatment offers time-saving that meets busy people’s demand." However, more variety could be introduced, particularly in the use of complex sentences involving subordinate clauses or conditional structures.
- How to improve: To enhance variety, consider incorporating more complex sentence structures. For instance, introduce conditional sentences (e.g., "If individuals were more informed about the risks…") or sentences with relative clauses to add depth and complexity to your arguments. This can enrich the essay by providing nuanced perspectives and improving coherence.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains grammatical accuracy with occasional errors. For example, "whenever they feel uncomfortable with their health" could be refined to "whenever they feel discomfort in their health." There are also instances where the use of articles (e.g., "the Internet") could be more precise.
- How to improve: Focus on improving article usage and ensuring consistency in verb forms and tenses. For instance, in the sentence "imprudent aids can pose formidable effects," consider revising "aids" to "actions" for clarity. Additionally, pay attention to subject-verb agreement and the correct use of pronouns to enhance overall clarity and precision.

Overall, while the essay effectively communicates its ideas, enhancing sentence variety and refining grammatical accuracy would further elevate its clarity and coherence, potentially raising the Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy to a higher level.

Bài sửa mẫu

Traditional treatments, widely employed across diverse regions of the world, play a crucial role in society, spanning from antiquity to the present day. While acknowledging some benefits of this approach, there are also disadvantageous aspects that deserve careful consideration.

Starting with the positive aspects, home-based treatments offer time efficiency, catering to the demands of busy individuals. For instance, frequent travelers such as businessmen often lack the time to schedule appointments with medical providers. In such cases, available methods become their sole recourse. Moreover, instead of incurring expensive costs for transportation and diagnostics, patients can independently utilize treatments like acupuncture or traditional therapies, managing their health needs within a manageable budget.

However, imprudent practices can have serious implications for our health. This is primarily due to inadequate understanding to accurately diagnose our ailments and administer appropriate medical treatment. Such actions can lead to long-lasting health consequences. Therefore, to ensure our health remains stable, it is crucial to schedule an appointment with a medical professional promptly upon noticing any warning signs from our bodies, rather than opting for home-based remedies.

In conclusion, while there are conveniences associated with using alternative medical treatments, it is essential to carefully weigh the potential negative outcomes to mitigate severe health outcomes effectively.