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Nowadays, a growing number of people with health problems are trying alternative medicines and treatments instead of visiting their usual doctor Do you think this is a positive or a negative development

Nowadays, a growing number of people with health problems are trying alternative medicines and treatments instead of visiting their usual doctor
Do you think this is a positive or a negative development

In recent years, there has been an increase in the number of individuals avoiding visting to the doctor and turning to alternative medicines and treatments. This essay attempts to shed light on the driving factors of this tendency before concluding this is, indeed, a disconcerting shift in healthcare preferences.

On the one hand, people are more likely to use alternative medicines, which could be advantageous to a certain extent. First and foremost, this could lead to financial savings This perception could be clarified by the fact that alternative medicines, including herbal and supplement products, seem to be affordable and easy to use. Furthermore, treatments such as exercise or yoga could bestow benefits upon users’s overall well-being. Specifically,these treatments can lead to an increase in dopamine, a neurotransmitter associated with improved mental well-being.This is a precursor to get out of sickness quickly.

Notwithstanding the aforementioned advantages, there are a host of reasons as to why I am convinced that the benefits of this development pale in comparison with its notable drawbacks.One rationale is that not all alternative therapies are effective, since there is not enough scientific evidence to prove the efficiency and effectiveness of such treatments. Therefore, patients might not recover from their illness, and end up wasting their time and money. Another rationale is that acute diseases and serious injuries are better treated with modern medicine because the recovery time when using alternative cures is often much longer than when using modern medicines. Finally, health problems can sometimes even get worse due to the misuse of alternative medicine, or misdiagnosis by friends or relatives. For instance, the idea of putting toothpaste on burns actually only exacerbates the problem.

In conclusion, while I recognise the possible benefits of alternative therapies
, I would contend the downsides of this trend are weigher than its upsides


Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

Errors and Improvements:

  1. "avoiding visting" -> "avoiding visiting"
    Explanation: Correcting the misspelling of "visting" to "visiting" improves the accuracy and formality of the sentence.

  2. "before concluding this is, indeed, a disconcerting shift" -> "before concluding that this is, indeed, a disconcerting shift"
    Explanation: Adding "that" after "concluding" helps to clarify the sentence structure, making it more grammatically sound and formal.

  3. "advantageous to a certain extent" -> "advantageous to some extent"
    Explanation: Replacing "certain" with "some" enhances precision without sacrificing clarity, contributing to a more formal tone.

  4. "This perception could be clarified by the fact that" -> "This perception is substantiated by the fact that"
    Explanation: Replacing "could be clarified" with "is substantiated" and restructuring the sentence improves conciseness and formality.

  5. "lead to financial savings" -> "result in financial savings"
    Explanation: The phrase "result in" is a more formal alternative to "lead to," enhancing the academic tone of the sentence.

  6. "Furthermore, treatments such as exercise or yoga could bestow benefits upon users’s overall well-being." -> "Furthermore, treatments such as exercise or yoga could confer benefits on users’ overall well-being."
    Explanation: Replacing "bestow" with "confer" and correcting the possessive form to "users’" improves formality and grammatical accuracy.

  7. "Specifically,these treatments can lead to an increase in dopamine" -> "Specifically, these treatments can result in an increase in dopamine"
    Explanation: Adding "result in" makes the sentence more precise, and it is a suitable alternative to "lead to" in this context.

  8. "This is a precursor to get out of sickness quickly." -> "This is a precursor to recovering from illness more rapidly."
    Explanation: Replacing "get out of sickness quickly" with "recovering from illness more rapidly" provides a more formal and precise expression.

  9. "there are a host of reasons as to why" -> "there are numerous reasons why"
    Explanation: Simplifying "a host of reasons as to why" to "numerous reasons why" maintains formality while avoiding unnecessary complexity.

  10. "I am convinced that the benefits of this development pale in comparison with its notable drawbacks." -> "I am convinced that the drawbacks of this development outweigh its benefits."
    Explanation: Restructuring the sentence to emphasize that drawbacks outweigh benefits improves clarity and formality.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Task Response: 6

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed Explanation: The essay adequately addresses all parts of the question. It discusses both the advantages and disadvantages of the growing trend of using alternative medicines instead of visiting doctors. Relevant examples, such as financial savings and the potential benefits of certain alternative treatments, are provided to support the points made.
    • How to Improve: To enhance the depth of analysis, consider providing more specific examples or evidence to bolster your arguments. Additionally, ensure that your conclusion does not introduce new points but instead summarizes the main ideas discussed in the essay.
  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed Explanation: The essay maintains a clear position throughout, expressing a negative stance towards the increasing reliance on alternative medicines. The position is evident in phrases like "a disconcerting shift in healthcare preferences" and "the downsides of this trend are weigher than its upsides."
    • How to Improve: While the position is clear, you can strengthen your essay by incorporating stronger language to emphasize your standpoint. Additionally, ensure that your thesis statement explicitly reflects your position on whether this trend is positive or negative.
  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed Explanation: The essay presents ideas but lacks depth in extending and supporting them. For instance, while financial savings and the benefits of certain alternative treatments are mentioned, more elaboration and specific examples could enhance the overall development of ideas.
    • How to Improve: Provide more detailed explanations and examples to support your points. Consider expanding on the potential drawbacks of alternative medicines and providing concrete evidence or case studies to reinforce your arguments.
  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed Explanation: The essay generally stays on topic by addressing the prompt’s core idea. However, there are instances where the focus could be sharper, such as the brief mention of exercise and yoga without a clear connection to alternative medicine.
    • How to Improve: Ensure that every point directly relates to the topic. If introducing aspects like exercise and yoga, tie them back explicitly to alternative medicine and its impact on healthcare preferences.

In conclusion, the essay demonstrates a satisfactory level of task response, but improvement can be achieved by providing more detailed examples, strengthening language to emphasize the position, and ensuring a direct connection between introduced points and the main topic.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a generally logical organization of information. The introduction introduces the topic and the author’s stance, followed by well-structured body paragraphs presenting advantages and disadvantages of using alternative medicines. However, there is a minor issue in the concluding paragraph where the word "weigher" seems to be a typographical error, and the sentence could be clearer in expressing the author’s stance.
    • How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider rephrasing the concluding sentence for clarity. For instance, "weigher" could be corrected to "weighed" or replaced with a more suitable term. Ensure that the final paragraph effectively summarizes the key points and reinforces the author’s position.
  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs effectively to present distinct ideas. Each paragraph focuses on a specific aspect of the topic, contributing to a clear and organized structure. However, there is a slight inconsistency in the length of paragraphs; the second-to-last paragraph is notably shorter than others.
    • How to improve: Aim for consistency in paragraph length to maintain a balanced structure. Consider expanding the second-to-last paragraph by providing additional examples or explanations to match the depth of the other paragraphs. This will contribute to a more harmonious and cohesive flow.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as transition words (e.g., "Furthermore," "Notwithstanding," "Finally") to connect ideas and guide the reader. However, there is room for improvement in the variety of cohesive devices used.
    • How to improve: Introduce a broader range of cohesive devices, including pronouns (e.g., "this," "these"), synonyms, and parallel structures. This will enhance the overall coherence and cohesion by establishing stronger connections between sentences and paragraphs. Additionally, pay attention to the accurate use of conjunctions to ensure clarity in conveying relationships between ideas.

Overall, the essay exhibits a reasonably organized structure with room for minor refinements. Focus on refining paragraph lengths, addressing typographical errors, and diversifying the use of cohesive devices to elevate the coherence and cohesion of the essay.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary, with the use of words such as "advantageous," "perception," "well-being," and "efficiency." However, there is room for improvement in diversifying the vocabulary further. For instance, the repeated use of certain words, such as "rationale," could be expanded to include more varied synonyms.
    • How to improve: To enhance the range of vocabulary, consider incorporating more synonyms and exploring diverse expressions. Instead of frequently using the term "rationale," experiment with alternatives like "justification" or "reasoning." Additionally, introducing more specific vocabulary related to healthcare and medicine can contribute to a richer lexicon.
  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay occasionally uses vocabulary precisely, as seen in the mention of "neurotransmitter," "misdiagnosis," and "exacerbates." However, there are instances where vocabulary could be more precise, such as the use of "get out of sickness quickly," which could be replaced with a more precise phrase like "facilitate speedy recovery."
    • How to improve: Aim for greater precision by selecting words that precisely convey the intended meaning. In this context, instead of using the vague term "quickly," opt for a more specific term like "expedite" or "facilitate." This will enhance the clarity and impact of your expression.
  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: There are several instances of spelling errors in the essay, such as "visting" instead of "visiting," "users’s" instead of "users’," and "weigher" instead of "weighed." These errors can impact the overall coherence and professionalism of the essay.
    • How to improve: Prioritize careful proofreading to identify and correct spelling errors. Additionally, consider using tools like spell checkers to catch common mistakes. Developing a habit of reviewing your writing for spelling accuracy will contribute to a polished and error-free final product.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 5

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of sentence structures. Simple and compound sentences are prevalent, with occasional complex sentences. There is evidence of varied sentence openings, but improvements can be made to enhance variety and sophistication. For example, the phrase "On the one hand" introduces a complex sentence, providing some variation. However, more complex structures, such as inversion or the use of subordinate clauses, could be incorporated for greater impact and fluency.
    • How to improve: To diversify sentence structures, consider incorporating more complex sentence constructions. Utilize techniques like inversion, relative clauses, and varied sentence lengths to enhance the overall fluency and coherence of the essay. For instance, instead of relying solely on simple and compound sentences, experiment with embedding information within sentences to create a more engaging and nuanced narrative.
  • Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally exhibits accurate grammar and punctuation, with some notable errors. For instance, there are instances of subject-verb agreement issues, such as "there has been an increase" (singular) followed by "individuals avoiding visiting" (plural). Punctuation is generally correct, but inconsistencies in the use of commas and awkward phrasing impact clarity.
    • How to improve: To enhance grammatical accuracy, pay close attention to subject-verb agreement and ensure consistency throughout the essay. Review the use of commas, especially in complex sentences, to maintain clarity. For instance, in the sentence "Furthermore, treatments such as exercise or yoga could bestow benefits upon users’s overall well-being," the possessive form "users’s" should be corrected to "users’." Additionally, proofread for awkward phrasing to improve overall sentence structure and coherence.

Overall, the essay exhibits competent language use, but improvements in sentence structure variety and grammatical precision would contribute to a more polished and sophisticated piece.

Bài sửa mẫu

In recent years, there has been an increase in the number of individuals avoiding visiting the doctor and turning to alternative medicines and treatments. This essay attempts to shed light on the driving factors of this tendency before concluding that this is, indeed, a disconcerting shift in healthcare preferences.

On the one hand, people are more likely to use alternative medicines, which could be advantageous to some extent. First and foremost, this could lead to financial savings. This perception is substantiated by the fact that alternative medicines, including herbal and supplement products, seem to be affordable and easy to use. Furthermore, treatments such as exercise or yoga could confer benefits upon users’ overall well-being. Specifically, these treatments can result in an increase in dopamine, a neurotransmitter associated with improved mental well-being. This is a precursor to recovering from illness more rapidly.

Notwithstanding the aforementioned advantages, there are numerous reasons why I am convinced that the drawbacks of this development outweigh its benefits. One rationale is that not all alternative therapies are effective, since there is not enough scientific evidence to prove the efficiency and effectiveness of such treatments. Therefore, patients might not recover from their illness and end up wasting their time and money. Another rationale is that acute diseases and serious injuries are better treated with modern medicine because the recovery time when using alternative cures is often much longer than when using modern medicines. Finally, health problems can sometimes even get worse due to the misuse of alternative medicine or misdiagnosis by friends or relatives. For instance, the idea of putting toothpaste on burns actually only exacerbates the problem.

In conclusion, while I recognize the possible benefits of alternative therapies, I would contend that the drawbacks of this trend are weightier than its upsides.

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