Nowadays, an increasing number of people are leaving their companies and coorperations to start their own businesses, especially among young people with high level of education. Write an essay about some causes

In recent years, with the development of society, many people have tended to make considerable efforts. Therefore, the young would like to pursue their ambitions by beginning own businesses. In this essay, several causes will be examined in depth.

As you observe, the young people totally have a passion on employment which is changed by surrounding conditions, so the following reasons will be mentioned. The first thing is that youngsters face more challenges in work environment. In fact, when working as a businessman, they often cope with some troubles triggering two sides including success and failure, which will be admitted because of unexpected results.

Another noticeable reason is independence. It is clear that the high-level employees who would rather have startups are remarkably self-assured and enthusiastic. Obviously, they avoid depending on their bosses because they can be compelled to do what they do not want. Actually, young generation wishes they could sustainably make their own decisions so that the young can demonstrate personal values by themselves.

Eventually, they can cater to a job with their specialized skills. There is no doubt that they can embrace learned knowledge from University or Colleges in order to serve an employment. It means that young educated people seem to take advantage of intensive outlooks in order that they can have our companies improved about finance substantially.

From what has been discussed, it can be concluded that leaving the institutions to start their own enterprise is accompanied by certain reasons above. I strongly believe that we should have a meticulous consideration to enjoy the fulfilling life.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"In recent years, with the development of society, many people have tended to make considerable efforts." -> "In recent years, as society has developed, many individuals have made significant efforts."
Explanation: The phrase "tended to make considerable efforts" is vague and informal. Replacing it with "made significant efforts" provides a clearer and more direct expression of the action, and using "individuals" instead of "people" enhances the formality of the language.
"the young would like to pursue their ambitions by beginning own businesses" -> "young individuals aspire to pursue their entrepreneurial ambitions by establishing their own businesses"
Explanation: "The young" is too general and informal; "young individuals" is more precise and formal. "Beginning own businesses" is awkward and incorrect; "establishing their own businesses" is the correct phrase.
"several causes will be examined in depth" -> "several factors will be analyzed in detail"
Explanation: "Causes" is somewhat vague and informal; "factors" is more specific and academic. "Examined in depth" is a common phrase, but "analyzed in detail" is more precise and formal.
"the young people totally have a passion on employment" -> "young individuals are deeply passionate about employment"
Explanation: "Totally have a passion on" is grammatically incorrect and informal. "Are deeply passionate about" corrects the grammar and enhances the formality.
"which is changed by surrounding conditions" -> "which is influenced by external factors"
Explanation: "Changed by surrounding conditions" is unclear and informal. "Influenced by external factors" is more precise and academically appropriate.
"youngsters face more challenges in work environment" -> "young individuals face greater challenges in the workplace"
Explanation: "Youngsters" is informal and less precise than "young individuals." "Work environment" is less formal than "the workplace," which is commonly used in professional contexts.
"they often cope with some troubles triggering two sides including success and failure" -> "they frequently encounter challenges that can result in both success and failure"
Explanation: "Cope with some troubles triggering two sides" is awkward and unclear. "Encounter challenges that can result in both success and failure" is clearer and more formal.
"which will be admitted because of unexpected results" -> "which may arise due to unforeseen outcomes"
Explanation: "Will be admitted" is unclear and informal; "may arise due to unforeseen outcomes" is more precise and formal.
"high-level employees who would rather have startups" -> "high-achieving individuals who prefer to start their own businesses"
Explanation: "Would rather have startups" is informal and unclear. "Start their own businesses" is more direct and formal.
"avoid depending on their bosses" -> "avoid being dependent on their supervisors"
Explanation: "Avoid depending on their bosses" is informal; "avoid being dependent on their supervisors" is more formal and precise.
"young generation wishes they could sustainably make their own decisions" -> "the young generation desires to make sustainable decisions"
Explanation: "Wishes they could sustainably make" is awkward and informal. "Desires to make sustainable decisions" is more direct and formal.
"cater to a job with their specialized skills" -> "pursue careers utilizing their specialized skills"
Explanation: "Cater to a job" is an idiom and too informal for academic writing. "Pursue careers utilizing their specialized skills" is more formal and precise.
"young educated people seem to take advantage of intensive outlooks in order that they can have our companies improved about finance substantially" -> "young professionals leverage their extensive knowledge to significantly enhance their financial prospects"
Explanation: The original sentence is convoluted and unclear. The revised version is clearer and more formal, using "leverage" and "enhance" to convey a more precise and academic tone.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Task Response: 7

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay addresses the prompt by discussing several causes that lead young, educated individuals to leave their jobs and start their own businesses. The author identifies challenges in the work environment, a desire for independence, and the ability to utilize specialized skills as key reasons. However, the connection between these causes and the decision to start a business could be more explicitly articulated. For instance, while the challenges faced in the work environment are mentioned, the essay does not clearly link how these challenges motivate individuals to leave their jobs.
- How to improve: To enhance the response, the writer should ensure that each cause is directly tied to the decision to start a business. This could involve providing specific examples or scenarios that illustrate how these challenges or desires manifest in the decision-making process.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a general position that young people are motivated to start their own businesses, but the clarity of this position fluctuates. For example, the phrase "the young would like to pursue their ambitions" is somewhat vague and could be more assertively stated. Additionally, the conclusion introduces a somewhat unrelated idea about "meticulous consideration to enjoy the fulfilling life," which detracts from the main argument.
- How to improve: To maintain a clear position, the writer should consistently reinforce their main argument throughout the essay. This can be achieved by restating the thesis in the conclusion and ensuring that all points made in the body paragraphs directly support this thesis. Avoiding unrelated ideas in the conclusion will also help solidify the position.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents several ideas related to the causes of entrepreneurship among young people. However, the development of these ideas is somewhat superficial. For instance, while the essay mentions independence as a reason, it does not delve into how this independence translates into the desire to start a business. The support for these ideas is also lacking; there are no concrete examples or data to substantiate the claims made.
- How to improve: To improve this aspect, the writer should aim to provide more detailed explanations and examples for each point made. This could include personal anecdotes, statistical data, or references to studies that illustrate the trends discussed. Expanding on each idea will make the argument more compelling and persuasive.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, focusing on the causes of young people leaving their jobs to start businesses. However, there are moments where the focus wavers, particularly in the conclusion, which introduces a broader idea about life fulfillment rather than tying back to the main topic of entrepreneurship.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should ensure that all parts of the essay are directly related to the prompt. This includes keeping the conclusion aligned with the main discussion points. A strong conclusion should summarize the key causes discussed without introducing new concepts that could confuse the reader.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents relevant ideas, there is room for improvement in clarity, depth, and focus. By addressing these areas, the writer can enhance the overall effectiveness of their response.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear introduction and conclusion, which helps frame the discussion. However, the organization of ideas within the body paragraphs lacks clarity. For instance, the transition from discussing challenges in the work environment to the desire for independence is abrupt and could confuse the reader. The points made about independence and utilizing specialized skills are relevant but could be better linked to the overarching theme of why young people are leaving traditional employment.
- How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider using clearer topic sentences that outline the main idea of each paragraph. Additionally, ensure that each point logically follows from the previous one. For example, after discussing challenges, you could introduce independence as a response to those challenges, creating a smoother transition.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs, but their structure could be improved for better clarity. Each paragraph should ideally focus on a single main idea, supported by relevant details. The first body paragraph attempts to address challenges but mixes ideas about success and failure without a clear focus. The second paragraph on independence is more coherent, but the third paragraph on specialized skills feels disconnected from the previous points.
- How to improve: Ensure that each paragraph has a clear main idea and that all sentences within the paragraph support that idea. For instance, the paragraph on specialized skills could be expanded to explain how these skills specifically relate to the desire for independence or entrepreneurship, thereby creating a more cohesive argument.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "therefore," "another noticeable reason," and "eventually." However, the use of cohesive devices is somewhat limited and can feel repetitive. The transitions between ideas could be more varied to enhance the flow of the essay. For example, phrases like "in addition," "furthermore," or "on the other hand" could help to connect ideas more fluidly.
- How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, practice incorporating a wider range of linking words and phrases. For example, when introducing a new point, you could use "Moreover" or "Additionally" to indicate that you are building on the previous idea. This will help create a more seamless reading experience and improve the overall coherence of the essay.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a good understanding of the topic and presents relevant points, improvements in the logical organization of ideas, paragraph structure, and the use of cohesive devices will enhance clarity and coherence, potentially raising the score in this criterion.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, but it is somewhat limited in variety and sophistication. For example, terms like "ambitions," "independence," and "specialized skills" are appropriate, but the essay relies on repetitive phrases such as "the young" and "young people." Additionally, phrases like "make considerable efforts" and "cater to a job" are somewhat vague and could be expressed with more precision or variety.
- How to improve: To enhance vocabulary range, the writer should aim to incorporate synonyms and more varied expressions. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "the young," alternatives like "young adults," "youth," or "millennials" could be employed. Additionally, using more specific terms related to entrepreneurship, such as "startups," "innovation," or "self-employment," would enrich the essay.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: There are instances of imprecise vocabulary usage that can lead to confusion. For example, the phrase "passion on employment" is awkward; "passion for work" or "enthusiasm for employment" would be more appropriate. The expression "cater to a job" is also misleading; a more accurate phrase might be "pursue a career" or "seek employment opportunities." Furthermore, the phrase "intensive outlooks" lacks clarity and does not effectively convey the intended meaning.
- How to improve: To improve precision, the writer should focus on using vocabulary that accurately reflects the intended meaning. Reviewing vocabulary in context and practicing paraphrasing can help. Engaging with academic texts or business literature can also provide insights into more precise terminology relevant to entrepreneurship.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains spelling errors that detract from its overall quality. The word "coorperations" is misspelled; the correct spelling is "corporations." Additionally, "University" and "Colleges" should not be capitalized unless they are part of a specific institution’s name. These errors indicate a need for greater attention to detail in spelling.
- How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, the writer should practice proofreading their work carefully. Utilizing spell-check tools and reading the essay aloud can help catch errors. Additionally, maintaining a list of commonly misspelled words and reviewing them regularly can aid in improving spelling skills.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a foundational understanding of vocabulary relevant to the topic, there are areas for improvement in range, precision, and spelling accuracy. By diversifying vocabulary, ensuring precise usage, and enhancing spelling skills, the writer can work towards achieving a higher band score in the Lexical Resource criterion.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 5

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates some variety in sentence structures, such as simple sentences ("In recent years, with the development of society, many people have tended to make considerable efforts.") and compound sentences ("It is clear that the high-level employees who would rather have startups are remarkably self-assured and enthusiastic."). However, the overall range is limited, with a predominance of basic sentence forms and few complex sentences. For instance, the use of phrases like "the young would like to pursue their ambitions" lacks complexity and could be enhanced by incorporating subordinate clauses or varied connectors.
- How to improve: To diversify sentence structures, the writer should practice using more complex sentences that include dependent clauses. For example, instead of saying "the young would like to pursue their ambitions," they could say, "Although many young people aspire to pursue their ambitions, they often face significant challenges that deter them from starting their own businesses." This not only adds complexity but also provides a clearer relationship between ideas.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical errors and awkward phrasing that detract from clarity. For instance, the phrase "the young people totally have a passion on employment" is incorrect; "passion for employment" would be more appropriate. Additionally, there are punctuation issues, such as the lack of commas in compound sentences, which can lead to run-on sentences. The sentence "Actually, young generation wishes they could sustainably make their own decisions so that the young can demonstrate personal values by themselves." could be clearer with better punctuation and structure.
- How to improve: To enhance grammatical accuracy, the writer should focus on subject-verb agreement and preposition use. Practicing sentence combining and breaking down complex ideas into simpler sentences can also help. Additionally, reviewing punctuation rules, especially regarding the use of commas in compound and complex sentences, will improve clarity. For example, revising "Actually, young generation wishes they could sustainably make their own decisions" to "In fact, the young generation wishes to make their own decisions sustainably" would clarify the meaning and improve grammatical accuracy.

Overall, to improve the essay’s band score, the writer should focus on expanding their range of sentence structures and enhancing grammatical accuracy through careful proofreading and practice.

Bài sửa mẫu

In recent years, with the development of society, many people have tended to make considerable efforts. Therefore, young individuals aspire to pursue their ambitions by starting their own businesses. In this essay, several causes will be examined in detail.

As you observe, young people are deeply passionate about employment, which is influenced by surrounding conditions. The first reason is that youngsters face greater challenges in the work environment. In fact, when working as businesspeople, they often cope with troubles that can result in both success and failure, which may arise due to unforeseen outcomes.

Another noticeable reason is independence. It is clear that high-achieving individuals who prefer to start their own businesses are remarkably self-assured and enthusiastic. Obviously, they avoid being dependent on their supervisors because they may be compelled to do what they do not want. Actually, the young generation desires to make sustainable decisions so that they can demonstrate their personal values.

Eventually, they can pursue careers utilizing their specialized skills. There is no doubt that they can leverage their extensive knowledge from universities or colleges in order to serve in employment. This means that young educated people seem to take advantage of intensive outlooks so that they can significantly enhance their financial prospects.

From what has been discussed, it can be concluded that leaving institutions to start their own enterprises is accompanied by the reasons mentioned above. I strongly believe that we should give meticulous consideration to enjoy a fulfilling life.