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Nowadays celebrities are more famous for their glamour and wealth than for their achievements, and this sets a bad example to young people. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?

Nowadays celebrities are more famous for their glamour and wealth than for their achievements, and this sets a bad example to young people.
To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?

It is believed that many famous people are known for their shimmering look and surmounting money, but not their accomplishments. While celebrities like these may negatively affect young people’s appearance and social behaviors, I maintain that there exist good stars who can act as role models for these youths.

On the one hand, celebrities can influence their young fans' mindsets. This means that these young people tend to imitate their idols in many aspects of life, especially their flashy and glamorous appearance in public. This behavior, however, can lead to mindlessly following expensive fashion trends and style, which is a waste of money and likely to form a bad habit of focusing on materialistic values. Moreover, young adorers may also mimic the way those influencers behave, often in an inappropriate way. For example, some famous Vietnamese youtubers posted prank videos, in which they pulled off tricks and jokes to annoy people on the street. Many youngsters like to watch these videos, thus inclined to do the same wrong deeds.

On the other hand, there are still some well-known figures, despite all the pressure from the media and public, still strive to be morally good and dedicated to their work and can be taken as exemplary models for the young generation. One of them is the American singer-songwriter Taylor Swift, who is well-known not only for her phenomenal music, but also her perseverance throughout her career. Surrounded by dramas and harsh criticisms, she always has to reinvent her image through music. Moreover, Swift’s humble characteristics, despite being an A-class star, is shown in her acknowledgement of smaller, lesser-known artists to give rise to their contribution to the music industry. Therefore, by looking into her life, young fans can learn from her diligence and personality to become better individuals later in life.

In conclusion, because of the wealthy and glamorous lives of some influential people nowadays, their achievements are often overlooked by the youths. However, I believe there are other celebrities who can still set a good example for young people with their hard work and dedication.


Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

Errors and Improvements:

  1. "shimmering look" -> "distinguished appearance"
    Explanation: "Shimmering look" is a bit informal and lacks precision. Replacing it with "distinguished appearance" maintains a formal tone and adds clarity to the description.

  2. "surmounting money" -> "considerable wealth"
    Explanation: "Surmounting money" is an uncommon expression. Using "considerable wealth" is more formal and aligns better with academic style.

  3. "maintain" -> "assert"
    Explanation: "Maintain" is somewhat informal in this context. Replacing it with "assert" adds a touch of formality to the sentence.

  4. "young people’s appearance and social behaviors" -> "the appearance and social behavior of young individuals"
    Explanation: Restructuring the phrase for clarity and formality, avoiding the use of possessive form for "young people."

  5. "stars" -> "public figures"
    Explanation: "Stars" is a colloquial term. Substituting it with "public figures" maintains a more formal tone.

  6. "On the one hand" -> "Firstly"
    Explanation: "On the one hand" is a bit informal for academic writing. Using "Firstly" introduces the same transition in a more formal manner.

  7. "flashy and glamorous" -> "ostentatious and sophisticated"
    Explanation: Replacing "flashy and glamorous" with "ostentatious and sophisticated" adds a level of sophistication and formality to the description.

  8. "mindlessly following" -> "unthinkingly adopting"
    Explanation: "Mindlessly following" is slightly informal. Substituting it with "unthinkingly adopting" maintains a more academic tone.

  9. "in public" -> "in the public sphere"
    Explanation: "In public" can be vague. Using "in the public sphere" adds precision and formality to the statement.

  10. "bad habit of focusing" -> "negative tendency to prioritize"
    Explanation: Substituting "bad habit of focusing" with "negative tendency to prioritize" enhances precision and formality.

  11. "influencers" -> "public figures"
    Explanation: "Influencers" is more colloquial. Replacing it with "public figures" maintains a formal tone.

  12. "Vietnamese youtubers" -> "Vietnamese YouTube personalities"
    Explanation: "Youtubers" is informal. Using "YouTube personalities" adds formality to the description.

  13. "inclined to" -> "inclined towards"
    Explanation: "Inclined to" is slightly informal. Replacing it with "inclined towards" maintains a formal tone.

  14. "well-known figures" -> "prominent personalities"
    Explanation: "Well-known figures" can be refined to "prominent personalities" for a more formal expression.

  15. "the media and public" -> "media and the public"
    Explanation: Adjusting the order for grammatical correctness and clarity.

  16. "still strive to" -> "continuously strive to"
    Explanation: "Still strive to" can be refined to "continuously strive to" for added emphasis and formality.

  17. "morally good" -> "morally upright"
    Explanation: Replacing "morally good" with "morally upright" adds a more formal and precise descriptor.

  18. "acknowledgement" -> "recognition"
    Explanation: "Acknowledgement" can be substituted with "recognition" for a more formal expression.

  19. "to give rise to their contribution" -> "to acknowledge their contribution"
    Explanation: Restructuring the phrase for clarity and formality.

  20. "better individuals later in life" -> "better individuals in the future"
    Explanation: Adjusting the phrasing for clarity and formality.

  21. "wealthy and glamorous lives" -> "opulent and glamorous lifestyles"
    Explanation: "Wealthy and glamorous lives" can be refined to "opulent and glamorous lifestyles" for a more sophisticated expression.

  22. "overlooked by the youths" -> "overlooked by the younger generation"
    Explanation: "Youths" is slightly informal. Substituting it with "the younger generation" maintains a formal tone.

  23. "because of" -> "due to"
    Explanation: "Because of" can be replaced with "due to" for a more formal transition.

  24. "are often overlooked by the youths" -> "are often overlooked by the younger generation"
    Explanation: Similar to the previous point, "youths" can be replaced with "the younger generation" for a more formal tone.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

  1. Quoted text: "It is believed that many famous people are known for their shimmering look and surmounting money, but not their accomplishments. While celebrities like these may negatively affect young people’s appearance and social behaviors, I maintain that there exist good stars who can act as role models for these youths."

    • Explanation and Suggestions for Improvement: The introduction effectively presents the writer’s position, stating disagreement with the notion that celebrities are mainly known for glamour and wealth. However, it would be beneficial to provide a brief roadmap of the key points that will support this position, enhancing the essay’s overall structure and coherence. Consider outlining the specific accomplishments that will be discussed in the subsequent paragraphs to give the reader a preview of the argument.
    • Improved example: "It is believed that many famous people are known for their shimmering look and surmounting money, but not their accomplishments. While celebrities like these may negatively affect young people’s appearance and social behaviors, I maintain that there exist good stars who can act as role models for these youths. In this essay, I will delve into specific achievements of certain celebrities to illustrate how their positive impact outweighs the emphasis on glamour and wealth."
  2. Quoted text: "On the one hand, celebrities can influence their young fans’ mindsets. This means that these young people tend to imitate their idols in many aspects of life, especially their flashy and glamorous appearance in public."

    • Explanation and Suggestions for Improvement: The analysis of how celebrities influence young fans is adequately addressed. However, to enhance the depth of your response, consider providing a specific example of a celebrity who has had a negative impact on the behavior of their young fans due to their flashy and glamorous lifestyle. This would strengthen your argument by grounding it in a real-life scenario.
    • Improved example: "On the one hand, celebrities can wield significant influence over their young fans’ mindsets. This is evident in the way these young people tend to imitate their idols in various aspects of life, particularly emulating their flashy and glamorous appearance in public. For instance, the notorious case of [specific celebrity name] showcases how their extravagant lifestyle led to a surge in similar behavior among their impressionable fan base."
  3. Quoted text: "For example, some famous Vietnamese YouTubers posted prank videos, in which they pulled off tricks and jokes to annoy people on the street. Many youngsters like to watch these videos, thus inclined to do the same wrong deeds."

    • Explanation and Suggestions for Improvement: The example provided is relevant and supports your point; however, for a more convincing argument, consider expanding on the consequences of such behavior. Elaborate on how imitating these pranks can negatively impact the youngsters, affecting not only their personal lives but also their relationships and societal standing.
    • Improved example: "For example, some famous Vietnamese YouTubers posted prank videos, in which they pulled off tricks and jokes to annoy people on the street. Many youngsters like to watch these videos, thus inclined to do the same wrong deeds. The repercussions of such behavior are not only limited to personal consequences but extend to affecting their relationships and societal standing. This underscores the harmful influence of celebrities engaging in inappropriate actions."

Overall, while your essay effectively addresses the prompt and presents a clear argument, enhancing it with more specific examples and expanding on the consequences of celebrity influence would strengthen your Task Response and move it towards a higher band score.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a clear organizational structure with logical progression. It opens with a clear introduction and presents two distinct perspectives in separate paragraphs, each with supporting examples. There’s a clear central topic within each paragraph, maintaining coherence and unity. The use of cohesive devices, though generally appropriate, could be more varied and refined. Paragraphing is mostly sufficient and relevant, aiding the flow of ideas.

How to improve: To strengthen coherence and cohesion, aim for greater diversity in cohesive devices beyond linking words and phrases. Consider using referencing and pronouns more effectively to establish clearer connections between sentences and ideas. Additionally, ensuring a more strategic and precise use of transitional phrases would enhance the overall flow and coherence of the essay.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates a sufficient range of vocabulary, allowing for some flexibility and precision. The writer uses less common lexical items with an awareness of style and collocation, contributing to the overall coherence of the essay. There are occasional errors in word choice, spelling, and word formation, but they do not significantly impede communication.

The essay effectively presents arguments and examples to support the thesis. It employs a variety of vocabulary to discuss the influence of celebrities on young people, addressing both the negative aspects and highlighting positive role models. The use of phrases such as "flashy and glamorous appearance," "mindlessly following expensive fashion trends," and "strive to be morally good" showcases a range of vocabulary that aligns with the Band 7 descriptor.

However, there are occasional inaccuracies in word choice and collocation, such as "surmounting money," which may slightly affect the fluency and precision of expression. Additionally, there are minor errors in spelling and word formation, like "adorers" instead of "admirers" and "given rise" instead of "given recognition," but these errors do not significantly hinder comprehension.

How to improve:
To enhance the Lexical Resource and move towards a higher band score, the writer should focus on refining word choice and collocation. Avoiding uncommon or awkward phrases, such as "surmounting money," and ensuring accuracy in spelling and word formation would further improve the overall lexical quality of the essay. Additionally, the writer could incorporate a more diverse range of vocabulary to enhance precision and fluency.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable command of grammar and a variety of sentence structures. There is an appropriate use of complex structures, such as conditional sentences and relative clauses. The majority of sentences are error-free, contributing to a smooth and clear communication of ideas. The essay maintains good control of grammar and punctuation, with only a few minor errors that do not significantly impede comprehension.

How to improve: To further enhance grammatical range and accuracy, consider paying attention to subject-verb agreement in sentences like "celebrities can influence their young fans’ mindsets." Additionally, refine the precision of language use, such as replacing "adorers" with "admirers" for more formal expression. While the essay demonstrates a solid grasp of grammar, consistently employing advanced vocabulary and refining sentence structures can elevate the overall language proficiency.

Bài sửa mẫu

It is commonly believed that many well-known personalities gain recognition more for their dazzling appearance and substantial wealth rather than their actual accomplishments. This trend is thought to have a negative impact on the behavior and outlook of young individuals. While it is true that some celebrities may influence the attitudes of their young followers, I contend that there are positive role models among famous figures who can inspire and guide the younger generation.

On one hand, celebrities have the potential to shape the mindset of their youthful admirers. Young people often emulate their idols in various aspects of life, particularly in terms of adopting flashy and glamorous styles in public. However, this inclination can result in thoughtless adherence to expensive fashion trends, fostering a habit of prioritizing materialistic values. Furthermore, the imitation of inappropriate behavior displayed by influencers can have detrimental effects. For instance, certain Vietnamese YouTubers gained popularity by posting prank videos that involved disturbing people on the street. Many young viewers enjoyed these videos, leading them to replicate similar misdeeds.

On the other hand, amidst the challenges posed by media scrutiny and public expectations, there are still notable personalities who consistently uphold moral values and remain dedicated to their work. An exemplar in this regard is the American singer-songwriter Taylor Swift, renowned not only for her exceptional music but also for her unwavering perseverance in the face of challenges. Despite enduring dramas and harsh criticisms, Swift continuously reinvents her image through her music. Moreover, her humility shines through as she acknowledges and supports smaller, lesser-known artists, thereby contributing to the music industry. By examining Swift’s life, young fans can draw inspiration from her diligence and character, aspiring to become better individuals in the future.

In conclusion, it is true that some influential individuals today are primarily recognized for their affluent and glamorous lifestyles, overshadowing their actual achievements in the eyes of the youth. Nevertheless, I believe that there are still celebrities who serve as positive examples, showcasing hard work and dedication for the benefit of the younger generation.

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