Nowadays, more and more people decide to have children later in their life. What are the reasons and what are the effects on society and family life ?
In the era of technology – when quality of life is enhanced, many people do not want to procreate in the early part of their life. Because of that reference, in this essay, I will prove that this tendency could be attributed to a host of factors and that it could have dire consequences on both society and family life.
There are several underlying reasons as to why people have offsprings later in their life. One driving factor is because the society is more and more enhanced which makes occupation opportunities become harder than ever. Therefore, many families are struggling in making both ends meet. As a result, it leads to the insufficiency of financial resources in a family to feed every member. Another driving factor is that the modern world is becoming more concentrated in individualism which makes it advantageous for the youngsters to prove themselves to the world. It is easier for youngsters to pursue their dreams, their ambitions and also their passion. That’s the reason they do not focus on having children and fostering their children but living their own life.
This growing trend is going to have serious repercussions not only on households but also society. Regarding the problem, it will lead to many troubles for a family. Because when the youngsters decide to have kids in the later part of their life, some of the elders will be impatient and they want to have their grandchild. This leads to controversial opinions among family members which weaken the family bond. Besides, the problem also leads to many troubles for the society. For instance, the trend of having children in the later part of a person’s life will increase the aging population. As a result, the society will lack a labor force which will make the economy of the society become worse in the long future.
In conclusion, the tendency to have children in the later part of one’s personal life these days can be ascribed to the development of the society and the enhancement of individualism in the society. This development is deeply troubling as it would weaken the family bond and increase the aging population.
Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng
Errors and Improvements:
"many people do not want to procreate in the early part of their life" -> "many individuals are reluctant to start a family in the early stages of their lives"
Explanation: Replacing "procreate" with "start a family" and using "reluctant" instead of "do not want" maintains formality and precision in describing the decision to delay having children.
"Because of that reference, in this essay, I will prove that this tendency could be attributed to a host of factors" -> "With this context in mind, I will demonstrate that this trend can be attributed to various factors"
Explanation: Eliminating the informal phrase "Because of that reference" and restructuring the sentence for clarity and formality.
"There are several underlying reasons as to why people have offsprings later in their life." -> "Various underlying factors contribute to the delayed onset of parenthood."
Explanation: Substituting "offsprings" with "parenthood" and restructuring the sentence for conciseness and formality.
"which makes occupation opportunities become harder than ever" -> "resulting in increased challenges in accessing occupational opportunities"
Explanation: Replacing the informal "harder than ever" with a more formal expression and restructuring the sentence for clarity.
"it leads to the insufficiency of financial resources" -> "it results in insufficient financial resources"
Explanation: Simplifying the expression by removing the redundancy and improving precision.
"to feed every member" -> "to support every family member"
Explanation: Substituting "feed" with "support" for a more comprehensive and formal description.
"because the society is more and more enhanced" -> "due to the ongoing development of society"
Explanation: Replacing the informal "more and more enhanced" with a more formal expression for clarity.
"which makes it advantageous for the youngsters to prove themselves to the world" -> "facilitating opportunities for young individuals to establish their identity"
Explanation: Substituting "advantageous" with "facilitating" for a more formal tone and precision.
"That’s the reason they do not focus on having children and fostering their children but living their own life." -> "Hence, they prioritize personal pursuits over focusing on parenthood and child-rearing."
Explanation: Restructuring the sentence for clarity and formality, avoiding informal expressions like "That’s the reason."
"some of the elders will be impatient and they want to have their grandchild." -> "Some older family members may become impatient, desiring the arrival of their grandchildren."
Explanation: Combining sentences for conciseness and using formal language.
"This leads to controversial opinions among family members which weaken the family bond." -> "This gives rise to conflicting opinions within the family, thereby weakening familial bonds."
Explanation: Replacing "controversial opinions" with "conflicting opinions" and restructuring the sentence for formality and clarity.
"the trend of having children in the later part of a person’s life" -> "the trend of delayed parenthood"
Explanation: Simplifying the expression for clarity and conciseness.
"can be ascribed to the development of the society and the enhancement of individualism in the society." -> "can be attributed to societal development and the heightened prevalence of individualism."
Explanation: Streamlining the expression and avoiding redundancy for a more formal tone.
Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Task Response: 6
Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally addresses all parts of the question. It discusses the reasons why people decide to have children later in life and touches upon the effects on both society and family life. However, the exploration of these aspects is somewhat brief and lacks depth. For instance, while it mentions financial struggles as a reason, it could benefit from providing more specific examples or elaborating on this point to enhance clarity and depth.
- How to improve: To improve, the essay could delve deeper into each reason and its implications. Adding specific examples or scenarios would strengthen the argument and demonstrate a more comprehensive understanding of the topic.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position throughout, arguing that the trend of having children later in life is attributed to societal development and increased individualism. The stance is evident in the thesis statement and consistently supported throughout the essay.
- How to improve: The clarity of the position is a strength, but the essay could further strengthen its argument by providing more nuanced perspectives or acknowledging potential counterarguments. This would showcase a more sophisticated understanding of the topic.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas but lacks in-depth development. For instance, it mentions financial struggles and individualism as reasons but does not provide extensive support or examples to bolster these points. The discussion on the effects on family and society is somewhat superficial.
- How to improve: To enhance the essay, each idea could be expanded with specific examples, statistics, or anecdotes. This would add depth and credibility to the arguments, making the essay more convincing and thorough.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic but occasionally veers into slightly irrelevant details, such as mentioning the enhancement of life quality due to technology. While this information is related to societal changes, it is not directly connected to the topic of having children later in life.
- How to improve: To stay more focused, the essay should ensure that every point made directly contributes to the discussion of the reasons and effects of having children later in life. Removing tangential details will make the essay more concise and on-point.
In conclusion, while the essay effectively addresses the prompt, there is room for improvement in depth of analysis, supporting details, and staying completely focused on the topic. Expanding on reasons and effects with specific examples and avoiding slight digressions would elevate the overall quality of the essay.
Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6
Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a basic level of logical organization. There is an attempt to introduce the topic and present reasons, but the organization could be more cohesive. For instance, the transition between reasons for delayed childbirth and the effects on society is somewhat abrupt. The essay lacks a clear introduction that previews the main points and a conclusion that summarizes them.
- How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider providing a clear introduction outlining the main points to be discussed. Ensure that each paragraph logically follows the previous one, and the essay concludes by summarizing the key arguments.
- Detailed explanation: Paragraphing is used, but there is room for improvement in structure and effectiveness. Some paragraphs are lengthy and cover multiple ideas, leading to a lack of clarity. For instance, the paragraph discussing reasons for delayed childbirth could be divided into two distinct paragraphs for better organization.
- How to improve: Aim for well-structured paragraphs with a clear focus on a single idea. Divide longer paragraphs into shorter ones, each addressing a specific point. This will improve readability and help the reader follow the essay’s progression more easily.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as linking words (e.g., ‘because,’ ‘therefore’), but their usage is limited. Additionally, the transition between ideas is not always smooth, affecting the overall coherence.
- How to improve: Increase the variety of cohesive devices used, including pronouns, synonyms, and transitional phrases. Ensure a smoother transition between paragraphs by using linking words effectively. This will enhance the essay’s overall coherence and improve the reader’s understanding of the relationships between ideas.
Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6
Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary. While there is an attempt to incorporate a variety of words, some repetition and reliance on common phrases limit the diversity. For instance, the use of phrases like "driving factor" and "the later part of their life" is repeated, reducing the overall richness of vocabulary.
- How to improve: To enhance the range of vocabulary, consider exploring synonyms and alternative expressions. Replace repetitive phrases with more varied and nuanced language. Additionally, introduce specific terms related to societal and family dynamics to add depth to your arguments.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay occasionally lacks precision in vocabulary use. For instance, the term "dire consequences" is quite strong and might be an overstatement for the described effects. On the other hand, terms like "troubles" and "serious repercussions" lack specificity, making the arguments less impactful.
- How to improve: Strive for precision by choosing words that accurately convey the intended meaning. Consider using specific terms like "strained family relations" instead of generalizations like "troubles." Review the strength of your vocabulary in relation to the severity of the consequences mentioned.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: Overall, spelling is mostly accurate, but there are a few instances of errors. For example, "offsprings" should be "offspring," "opportunities" is misspelled as "occupation," and there are issues with punctuation, such as missing commas after introductory phrases.
- How to improve: Pay close attention to spelling and punctuation. Utilize tools like spell-check and proofread thoroughly to catch and correct errors. Specifically, work on common misspellings and punctuation rules to enhance overall accuracy.
In conclusion, while the essay demonstrates a satisfactory level of lexical resource, there is room for improvement in vocabulary diversity, precision, and spelling accuracy. Focus on refining your word choices, avoiding repetition, and ensuring meticulous attention to spelling and punctuation for a more polished expression of ideas.
Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6
Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of sentence structures. There is a predominant use of simple and compound sentences throughout, with minimal variation. The essay lacks complex structures, such as conditional sentences, relative clauses, or varied sentence beginnings. For example, most sentences follow a straightforward subject-verb-object pattern, which affects the overall variety and sophistication of the language.
- How to improve: To enhance the grammatical range and overall effectiveness, consider incorporating a wider variety of sentence structures. Introduce complex sentences, use subordination, and experiment with different sentence beginnings. For instance, instead of consistently starting with straightforward statements, try incorporating introductory clauses or varying sentence lengths for added dynamism.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits several grammatical and punctuation errors that impact its clarity and coherence. In the second paragraph, there are issues with subject-verb agreement ("Because when the youngsters decide…") and preposition usage ("in making both ends meet"). Additionally, there are punctuation errors, such as missing commas after introductory phrases and in compound sentences ("As a result, it leads to the insufficiency…"). These errors contribute to a lack of precision and hinder the overall effectiveness of the writing.
- How to improve: Pay careful attention to grammatical accuracy and punctuation conventions. Review subject-verb agreement, ensure consistent verb tense usage, and use commas appropriately. Consider revising sentence structures to eliminate awkward phrasing and enhance overall clarity. For instance, breaking down complex sentences into simpler ones can help avoid confusion and improve readability.
In summary, while the essay adequately addresses the prompt and presents some valid points, improvements in grammatical range and accuracy are essential for achieving a higher band score. Enhancing sentence variety and addressing specific grammatical and punctuation errors will contribute to a more polished and effective essay.
Bài sửa mẫu
In the age of technological advancements, an increasing number of individuals are opting to delay starting a family. Given this context, I will demonstrate that this trend can be attributed to various factors, with implications for both society and family life.
There are several underlying reasons why people choose to have children later in life. One contributing factor is the evolving nature of society, which has led to heightened challenges in accessing occupational opportunities. Consequently, many families find it difficult to make ends meet, resulting in insufficient financial resources to support every family member. Another driving force is the growing emphasis on individualism in today’s world. This trend facilitates opportunities for young individuals to establish their identity, prioritizing personal pursuits over focusing on parenthood and child-rearing.
The consequences of this trend extend beyond individual families to impact society as a whole. On a familial level, the delayed onset of parenthood may lead to impatience among older family members who eagerly anticipate the arrival of their grandchildren. This, in turn, gives rise to conflicting opinions within the family, thereby weakening familial bonds. Moreover, at the societal level, the prevalence of delayed parenthood contributes to an increase in the aging population. This demographic shift can result in a shortage of the labor force, adversely affecting the economy in the long run.
In conclusion, the trend of delayed parenthood can be attributed to societal development and the heightened prevalence of individualism. This inclination poses challenges for both family bonds and the overall societal structure, as it may lead to weakened familial ties and an aging population with potential economic consequences.