Nowadays, most countries can improve the standard of living through development, but some social values are lost as a result. Do you think the advantages of this phenomenon outweigh the disadvantages? Write at least 250 words

Nowadays, most countries can improve the standard of living through development, but some social values are lost as a result.
Do you think the advantages of this phenomenon outweigh the disadvantages?
Write at least 250 words

In the world of constant developments, human have had a tendency to make more improvements of their life. As a consequence, social values like culture are getting eliminated. From a general perspective, this problem is likely to have both benefits and drawbacks. But is the former superior to the latter?
On the one hand, the merits of getting the living standard higher are various. They can come from different aspects of human life such as economy, education and so on. Firstly, the advance in developing technology offers people a tons of machines, especially artificial intelligence, which can increase the effiency of processes; therefore, individuals are able to have a chance to approach other sides of their own life. Furthermore, enhancing people’s conditions of living is capable of providing such a number of achievements in primary fields of human developments like astronomy. For example, higher standard of life makes individuals pay more concentration on their values in order to demonstrate that they are good at particular things or they have much knowledge.
On the other hand, the weak spots of this development are unfortunately getting more. To begin with human’ s behaviours, people currently focus more on themselves and pay less attention to others, especially their feelings. This problem turns into a downside of social values that human have had; however, the measures for this issue are potentially being found by experts and the number of this kind of circumstances is likely to decrease in the near future. On top of that, the criticism of prople’s flaws is getting less serious. This is a massive problem to humanlity in terms of developing human behaviour. For instance, there is now a variety of comments on social platforms that are seemingly unconscious, the users just think and post their texts directly without taking social values into account.
In conclusion, this kind of problem is challenging to say what is true or what it is false. However, in my opinion, it seems like the benefits surpass the drawbacks in some ways.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

1. "In the world of constant developments" -> "In an era of ongoing advancements"
   Explanation: The phrase "era of ongoing advancements" is more precise and formal, enhancing the academic tone of the sentence.

2. "human have had a tendency to make more improvements of their life" -> "humans have tended to improve their lives"
   Explanation: "humans" is the correct plural form, and "tended to improve their lives" is grammatically correct and more formal.

3. "social values like culture are getting eliminated" -> "social values, such as cultural norms, are being eroded"
   Explanation: "being eroded" is a more precise term than "getting eliminated," which is too absolute and informal for academic writing. "Cultural norms" is a more specific term than "culture."

4. "the merits of getting the living standard higher" -> "the benefits of elevating living standards"
   Explanation: "elevating living standards" is a more formal and precise phrase than "getting the living standard higher."

5. "a tons of machines" -> "a multitude of machines"
   Explanation: "a multitude of machines" is more formal and appropriate for academic writing than the colloquial "a tons of."

6. "increase the effiency of processes" -> "enhance the efficiency of processes"
   Explanation: "enhance" is the correct verb form, and "efficiency" should be spelled as one word.

7. "have a chance to approach other sides of their own life" -> "have the opportunity to explore other aspects of their lives"
   Explanation: "explore other aspects of their lives" is more precise and formal than "approach other sides of their own life."

8. "enhancing people’s conditions of living" -> "improving living conditions"
   Explanation: "improving living conditions" is a more concise and formal expression.

9. "such a number of achievements" -> "numerous achievements"
   Explanation: "numerous" is a more precise and formal adverb than "such a number of."

10. "human’ s behaviours" -> "human behavior"
    Explanation: "behavior" should be one word in formal English.

11. "pay less attention to others, especially their feelings" -> "neglect the feelings of others"
    Explanation: "neglect the feelings of others" is more concise and formal.

12. "the measures for this issue are potentially being found" -> "solutions to this issue are potentially being developed"
    Explanation: "solutions to this issue are potentially being developed" is more specific and formal.

13. "the criticism of prople’s flaws" -> "criticism of people’s flaws"
    Explanation: "people’s flaws" is grammatically correct and more formal than "prople’s flaws."

14. "getting less serious" -> "becoming less severe"
    Explanation: "becoming less severe" is a more formal and precise term.

15. "humanlity" -> "humanity"
    Explanation: Corrects a typographical error.

16. "this kind of problem is challenging to say what is true or what it is false" -> "it is challenging to determine whether this issue is true or false"
    Explanation: "it is challenging to determine whether this issue is true or false" is grammatically correct and more formal.

17. "it seems like the benefits surpass the drawbacks in some ways" -> "it appears that the benefits outweigh the drawbacks in some respects"
    Explanation: "outweigh the drawbacks in some respects" is a more formal and precise expression.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Task Response: 7

• Answer All Parts of the Question:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay addresses the prompt by discussing both the advantages and disadvantages of improved living standards and their impact on social values. The writer mentions technological advancements and their benefits, as well as the decline in social values and behaviors. However, the exploration of these points is somewhat superficial. For instance, while the essay mentions the benefits of technology, it does not provide specific examples of how these advancements improve living standards in a tangible way. Similarly, the discussion of social values could be more explicitly linked to the question of whether the advantages outweigh the disadvantages.
  • How to improve: To enhance the response, the writer should ensure that each part of the question is thoroughly explored. This could involve providing more concrete examples of how living standards have improved and how these improvements directly relate to the loss of social values. Additionally, a clearer comparison of the advantages and disadvantages would strengthen the argument.

• Present a Clear Position Throughout:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a position that the advantages outweigh the disadvantages, but this stance is not consistently reinforced throughout the text. The conclusion states that benefits surpass drawbacks, yet the body paragraphs do not clearly articulate this viewpoint. For example, the discussion of social values is somewhat vague and does not strongly argue why the benefits are more significant.
  • How to improve: To maintain a clear position, the writer should explicitly state their viewpoint in the introduction and reinforce it in each body paragraph. This can be achieved by framing each paragraph with a topic sentence that directly relates back to the thesis, ensuring that the argument is consistently supported.

• Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents several ideas regarding the advantages and disadvantages of development. However, the support for these ideas is limited. For instance, while the essay mentions technological advancements, it lacks specific examples or statistics that could strengthen the argument. The points made about social values are also underdeveloped, with little elaboration on how these changes manifest in society.
  • How to improve: To effectively present and support ideas, the writer should include specific examples, data, or anecdotes that illustrate their points. Each claim should be followed by a clear explanation or evidence that connects back to the main argument. This will help to extend the ideas presented and make the argument more persuasive.

• Stay on Topic:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, discussing the relationship between improved living standards and the loss of social values. However, there are moments where the focus wavers, particularly in the discussion of social media comments, which could be more directly tied back to the main argument. The phrase "this kind of problem is challenging to say what is true or what it is false" is vague and detracts from the clarity of the argument.
  • How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should ensure that every point made directly relates to the prompt. Avoiding vague statements and ensuring that each example ties back to the central argument will help keep the essay on topic. Additionally, a more structured approach, with clear transitions between points, will enhance coherence.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a good understanding of the task and presents relevant ideas, it would benefit from more detailed examples, clearer articulation of the main argument, and a more structured approach to ensure that all parts of the prompt are thoroughly addressed.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

• Organize Information Logically:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear structure with an introduction, two body paragraphs, and a conclusion. The introduction effectively sets up the topic and presents the dual nature of the argument. Each body paragraph addresses either the advantages or disadvantages of the phenomenon, which helps in maintaining a logical flow. However, the transition between points within paragraphs could be smoother. For example, the shift from discussing technological advancements to the impact on social values in the first body paragraph feels abrupt.
  • How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider using clearer topic sentences that outline the main idea of each paragraph. Additionally, employing transitional phrases (e.g., "Moreover," "In contrast," "Consequently") can help guide the reader through your arguments more seamlessly.

• Use Paragraphs:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs effectively to separate ideas, with each paragraph focusing on a distinct aspect of the argument. However, the second body paragraph could benefit from clearer delineation between different points. The ideas presented sometimes blend together, making it challenging for the reader to follow the argumentation.
  • How to improve: Ensure that each paragraph has a clear focus and that each point is developed fully before moving on to the next. Consider starting each paragraph with a clear topic sentence that encapsulates the main idea, followed by supporting details. This will help maintain clarity and coherence throughout the essay.

• Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates some use of cohesive devices, such as "on the one hand" and "on the other hand," which effectively signal contrasting ideas. However, the range of cohesive devices is somewhat limited, and there are instances where the connections between sentences could be strengthened. For example, the phrase "this problem turns into a downside of social values that human have had" lacks clarity and could benefit from a more explicit connection to the preceding sentence.
  • How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, incorporate a wider variety of linking words and phrases (e.g., "Additionally," "Conversely," "As a result"). Additionally, ensure that each cohesive device is used appropriately to clarify relationships between ideas. This will enhance the overall flow and readability of the essay.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents a coherent argument, focusing on the logical organization of ideas, enhancing paragraph clarity, and diversifying cohesive devices will help elevate the score in Coherence and Cohesion.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

• Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, with terms such as "developments," "enhancing," "achievements," and "concentration." However, there are instances where the vocabulary is somewhat repetitive or lacks variety. For example, the phrase "standard of living" is used multiple times without synonyms or paraphrasing, which could enhance the richness of the essay.
  • How to improve: To improve, consider incorporating synonyms or related terms. For instance, instead of repeating "standard of living," you could use phrases like "quality of life" or "living conditions." Additionally, using more varied adjectives and verbs could help convey your ideas more dynamically.

• Use Vocabulary Precisely:

  • Detailed explanation: There are several instances of imprecise vocabulary usage that can lead to confusion. For example, the phrase "a tons of machines" should be "a ton of machines" or "many machines." Additionally, "effiency" is a misspelling of "efficiency," which detracts from the precision of your language. The phrase "the weak spots of this development are unfortunately getting more" is also vague and could be articulated more clearly.
  • How to improve: Focus on using vocabulary that accurately conveys your intended meaning. For example, instead of "weak spots," consider using "drawbacks" or "disadvantages." Regularly consult a thesaurus to find more precise words, and ensure that you proofread for spelling errors to enhance clarity.

• Use Correct Spelling:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors, such as "effiency" (should be "efficiency"), "prople" (should be "people"), and "humanlity" (should be "humanity"). These errors can distract the reader and undermine the overall quality of the writing.
  • How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, consider implementing a proofreading strategy. After writing, take a break and then review your essay with fresh eyes. Additionally, using spell-check tools or writing software can help catch errors before submission. Practicing spelling through exercises or flashcards can also reinforce correct spelling of commonly used words.

By addressing these areas—expanding vocabulary range, ensuring precise usage, and improving spelling accuracy—you can enhance your lexical resource and potentially achieve a higher band score in future essays.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6

• Use a Wide Range of Structures:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates some variety in sentence structures, such as the use of complex sentences ("the merits of getting the living standard higher are various") and conditional phrases ("the measures for this issue are potentially being found by experts"). However, there is a noticeable reliance on simpler structures, which limits the overall range. For instance, many sentences follow a similar pattern, leading to a somewhat monotonous flow. Additionally, some sentences are awkwardly constructed, such as "the advance in developing technology offers people a tons of machines," which could be more effectively phrased.
  • How to improve: To diversify sentence structures, consider incorporating more compound and complex sentences. For example, use relative clauses to add detail ("which can increase the efficiency of processes") and varying sentence beginnings to create a more engaging flow. Additionally, practice using inversion or conditional clauses to introduce complexity. Reading a variety of academic texts can also help in understanding how different structures are effectively employed.

• Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical errors and punctuation issues that detract from clarity. For instance, "human have had a tendency" should be "humans have had a tendency," and "a tons of machines" is incorrect; it should be "a ton of machines" or "tons of machines." Punctuation errors, such as missing commas, affect the readability of sentences. For example, "To begin with human’ s behaviours" should be "To begin with, human behaviors," to correctly separate the introductory phrase from the main clause.
  • How to improve: To enhance grammatical accuracy, it is essential to review subject-verb agreement and pluralization rules. Practicing sentence correction exercises can help identify common errors. Additionally, paying attention to punctuation rules, especially regarding commas in complex sentences, will improve clarity. Reading essays and analyzing their grammatical structures can also provide insight into correct usage.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a foundational understanding of grammatical structures, there is significant room for improvement in both the variety and accuracy of language use. Focusing on these areas will help elevate the essay to a higher band score.

Bài sửa mẫu

In an era of ongoing advancements, humans have tended to improve their lives significantly. As a consequence, social values, such as cultural norms, are being eroded. From a general perspective, this issue is likely to have both benefits and drawbacks. But is the former superior to the latter?

On the one hand, the advantages of elevating living standards are numerous. They can arise from various aspects of human life, including the economy and education. Firstly, advancements in technology provide people with a multitude of machines, particularly artificial intelligence, which can enhance the efficiency of processes. Consequently, individuals have the opportunity to explore other aspects of their lives. Furthermore, improving living conditions can lead to numerous achievements in fundamental fields of human development, such as astronomy. For example, a higher standard of living allows individuals to focus more on their values, demonstrating their expertise in specific areas or showcasing their knowledge.

On the other hand, the drawbacks of this development are unfortunately becoming more pronounced. To begin with, human behavior has shifted; people currently tend to focus more on themselves and neglect the feelings of others. This issue represents a decline in the social values that humanity has traditionally upheld. However, solutions to this issue are potentially being developed by experts, and the prevalence of such circumstances is likely to decrease in the near future. Additionally, the criticism of people’s flaws is becoming less severe. This poses a significant challenge to humanity regarding the development of human behavior. For instance, there is now a variety of comments on social platforms that appear to be thoughtless, as users often post their thoughts without considering social values.

In conclusion, it is challenging to determine whether this issue is true or false. However, in my opinion, it appears that the benefits outweigh the drawbacks in some respects.