nowadays, sport is a big business with high earnings for professional sports people and companies involved both financially and other ways. Is this a positive or negative development

In this contemporary world, sports is regarded as a potential business with high income for professioners and large profit with sport companies in all aspect of life. This essay supports for the beneficial aspect of this trend as it could contribute to the popular of sports and strengthen the unity of all nations in the world.

First, this phenomenon can bring sports to the whole range of people. This is because when big companies see the potential of sports, they may promote it to citizens, who could take part in this sport if they find it interesting. Also, throughout advertisement, residents who have ability in sports may find a chance to change their life therefore improve the quality of sports. For example, a recent research has porved that many famous footballers, including Mane, who is come from poor country, saw an advertisement about football and foud interested in it. And now he is a best footballer and he gives much of his salary to reconstruct his country and improves life quality of residents.

Also, nowadays sport is used as a perfect way to improve relationship among countries. To be specific, sport events are the place that many nations come to have competitions, not by force but in peaceful ways. During these events, not only participants improve their experiences by fighting with others in other countries but also nations can use it for promote nation's image and find potential countries to cooperate with. Taking World Cup 2018 as an example, Russia was the host country and throughout this event, they obtained a good view of The US , which is their enemy in Cold War.

In conclusion, the development of sports are the positive trend as it could help sports become more popular and contribute to the peaceful of the world.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"sports is regarded as a potential business" -> "sports is viewed as a lucrative business"
Explanation: The verb "viewed" is more formal and precise than "regarded," and "lucrative" is a more specific term than "potential," enhancing the academic tone and clarity.
"high income for professioners" -> "substantial income for professionals"
Explanation: "Professioners" is a misspelling and an incorrect term. "Professionals" is the correct term, and "substantial" is more precise than "high" in describing income.
"large profit with sport companies" -> "substantial profits for sports companies"
Explanation: "Large profit" is grammatically incorrect; "substantial profits" is grammatically correct and more formal. Also, "with sport companies" should be "for sports companies" to correctly indicate the relationship.
"This essay supports for the beneficial aspect" -> "This essay advocates for the beneficial aspects"
Explanation: "Advocates for" is more formal and precise than "supports for," and "aspects" is plural to match the plural context of benefits discussed.
"the popular of sports" -> "the popularity of sports"
Explanation: "The popular of sports" is grammatically incorrect. "The popularity of sports" is the correct phrase.
"who could take part in this sport if they find it interesting" -> "who may participate in this sport if they find it appealing"
Explanation: "May participate" is more formal than "could take part," and "appealing" is a more precise adjective than "interesting" in this context.
"throughout advertisement" -> "through advertising"
Explanation: "Throughout advertisement" is awkward and incorrect. "Through advertising" is grammatically correct and more formal.
"residents who have ability in sports" -> "individuals with sporting abilities"
Explanation: "Individuals with sporting abilities" is more formal and precise than "residents who have ability in sports."
"foud interested in it" -> "found it interesting"
Explanation: "Foud" is a typographical error; "found" is the correct verb. "Found it interesting" is grammatically correct and more natural.
"a best footballer" -> "one of the best footballers"
Explanation: "A best" is grammatically incorrect. "One of the best" is grammatically correct and more precise.
"he gives much of his salary" -> "he allocates a significant portion of his salary"
Explanation: "Allocates a significant portion" is more formal and precise than "gives much of," which is vague and informal.
"improves life quality of residents" -> "improves the quality of life for residents"
Explanation: "Improves life quality of residents" is awkward and grammatically incorrect. "Improves the quality of life for residents" is grammatically correct and more formal.
"sport is used as a perfect way" -> "sports are used as an effective means"
Explanation: "Sports" should be plural to match the context, and "an effective means" is more formal and precise than "a perfect way."
"not by force but in peaceful ways" -> "not coercively but peacefully"
Explanation: "Not by force but in peaceful ways" is awkward and verbose. "Not coercively but peacefully" is concise and maintains the formal tone.
"promote nation’s image" -> "enhance their national image"
Explanation: "Enhance their national image" is more formal and precise than "promote nation’s image."
"the development of sports are" -> "the development of sports is"
Explanation: "Are" is incorrect in this context; "is" is the correct subject-verb agreement for the singular noun "development."
"the peaceful of the world" -> "world peace"
Explanation: "The peaceful of the world" is grammatically incorrect and awkward. "World peace" is the correct and more formal expression.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Task Response: 7

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay addresses the prompt by discussing both the positive aspects of sports as a business and its implications for society. The author argues that this trend can enhance the popularity of sports and foster international unity. However, the essay does not explicitly consider any negative aspects, which is a crucial part of the question. For instance, the potential commercialization of sports leading to issues such as corruption or the exploitation of athletes is not mentioned.
- How to improve: To comprehensively address all elements of the question, the author should include a discussion of the negative implications of sports as a business. This could involve acknowledging concerns such as the pressure on athletes, the commercialization of sports leading to a loss of authenticity, or the impact on grassroots sports. A balanced view would enhance the essay’s depth and relevance to the prompt.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear position that the commercialization of sports is a positive development. This stance is maintained throughout the essay, with supporting arguments and examples provided. However, the phrase "supports for the beneficial aspect" is somewhat awkward and could lead to confusion about the author’s position.
- How to improve: To maintain clarity and consistency, the author should use more straightforward language when stating their position. For example, rephrasing to "This essay argues that this trend has beneficial aspects" would enhance clarity. Additionally, reinforcing the position in the conclusion by summarizing the main arguments could further solidify the stance.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents several ideas, such as the promotion of sports through advertising and the role of sports in fostering international relations. However, the development of these ideas is sometimes lacking in depth. For example, while the essay mentions a footballer who rose from poverty, it does not sufficiently elaborate on how this example supports the argument about the positive impact of sports as a business.
- How to improve: To improve the presentation and support of ideas, the author should aim to provide more detailed explanations and examples. This could involve discussing the broader implications of the footballer’s success or including statistics about sports participation rates due to increased investment. Additionally, ensuring that each paragraph has a clear topic sentence and follows a logical structure would enhance coherence.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, focusing on the positive aspects of sports as a business. However, there are moments where the connection to the main argument becomes tenuous, such as the discussion about the World Cup and its impact on international relations, which could be more directly tied back to the business aspect of sports.
- How to improve: To maintain focus and relevance, the author should ensure that each point made directly supports the central thesis regarding the positive aspects of sports as a business. This could involve explicitly linking examples back to the main argument and avoiding tangential discussions that do not contribute to the overall point being made. A clear outline before writing could help in organizing thoughts and maintaining focus.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear argument supporting the positive aspects of sports as a business. The introduction effectively sets the stage for the discussion, and the body paragraphs each focus on a distinct point: the accessibility of sports and the role of sports in fostering international relations. However, the logical flow between ideas could be improved. For instance, the transition from the first paragraph discussing accessibility to the second paragraph about international relations feels abrupt. The connection between these two ideas could be more explicitly stated to enhance coherence.
- How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider using transitional phrases that explicitly link the ideas between paragraphs. For example, after discussing the accessibility of sports, you could introduce the next paragraph with a sentence like, "In addition to increasing accessibility, sports also play a crucial role in promoting international unity." This would create a smoother transition and reinforce the overall argument.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs effectively, with each paragraph addressing a specific point related to the thesis. The first paragraph discusses the accessibility of sports, while the second focuses on international relations. However, the paragraphs could benefit from clearer topic sentences that summarize the main idea of each paragraph. Additionally, the conclusion could be more robust, reiterating the main points discussed in the body paragraphs.
- How to improve: Strengthen the topic sentences in each paragraph to clearly outline the main idea. For example, the first paragraph could start with, "One significant advantage of the commercialization of sports is its ability to make sports more accessible to a wider audience." Furthermore, ensure that the conclusion succinctly summarizes the key points made in the essay, reinforcing the argument presented.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "also," "for example," and "to be specific," which help to connect ideas within and between sentences. However, the range of cohesive devices is somewhat limited, and there are instances where the connections between sentences could be clearer. For example, the phrase "this phenomenon" in the first body paragraph could be more explicitly linked to the previous sentence to clarify what "this" refers to.
- How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, consider incorporating a wider variety of linking words and phrases, such as "furthermore," "in addition," "consequently," and "as a result." Additionally, ensure that pronouns and demonstratives are used clearly to avoid ambiguity. For instance, instead of saying "this phenomenon," specify what phenomenon you are referring to, as in "the commercialization of sports."

By addressing these areas for improvement, the essay can achieve a higher level of coherence and cohesion, ultimately enhancing the overall clarity and effectiveness of the argument presented.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, but it lacks variety and sophistication in word choice. For instance, terms like "big business," "high income," and "beneficial aspect" are somewhat basic and could be replaced with more advanced synonyms such as "lucrative industry," "substantial earnings," and "advantageous facet." Additionally, phrases like "potential business" and "whole range of people" are vague and could benefit from more precise alternatives.
- How to improve: To enhance vocabulary range, the writer should actively seek to incorporate more varied and sophisticated vocabulary. Reading academic articles or high-quality essays can expose the writer to advanced lexical items. Practicing synonyms and antonyms for common words can also help diversify language use.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: There are instances of imprecise vocabulary that hinder clarity. For example, "professioners" is an incorrect term; the correct term is "professionals." The phrase "the popular of sports" is also awkward and should be "the popularity of sports." Furthermore, "improves life quality of residents" could be more precisely stated as "improves the quality of life for residents."
- How to improve: To improve precision, the writer should focus on using vocabulary that accurately conveys their intended meaning. This can be achieved by double-checking word meanings and ensuring that the context aligns with the chosen vocabulary. Engaging in exercises that focus on collocations and context-specific vocabulary can also be beneficial.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors that detract from its overall quality. For example, "professioners" should be "professionals," "porved" should be "proved," "foud" should be "found," and "the best footballer" should not have "a" before it. These errors can disrupt the reader’s understanding and negatively impact the impression of the writer’s language proficiency.
- How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, the writer should implement a proofreading process after writing. This could involve reading the essay aloud to catch errors or using spell-check tools. Additionally, maintaining a personal list of commonly misspelled words and practicing them can help improve overall spelling skills. Regular writing practice with a focus on accuracy will also contribute to better spelling over time.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 5

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of sentence structures. Most sentences are simple or compound, lacking more complex structures that could enhance clarity and sophistication. For instance, phrases like "this phenomenon can bring sports to the whole range of people" and "sport events are the place that many nations come to have competitions" are straightforward but do not utilize varied grammatical forms. The use of relative clauses, conditionals, or more complex sentence forms is minimal, which restricts the overall richness of the writing.
- How to improve: To diversify sentence structures, the writer should incorporate more complex sentences, such as using subordinate clauses or varying sentence beginnings. For example, instead of saying "This is because when big companies see the potential of sports," the writer could say, "When big companies recognize the potential of sports, they are likely to promote it to a wider audience." Practicing the use of different sentence types will enhance the essay’s overall quality and make arguments more compelling.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical errors and punctuation issues that detract from its clarity. For example, "professioners" should be "professionals," and "the popular of sports" should be "the popularity of sports." Additionally, phrases like "who is come from poor country" are grammatically incorrect; it should be "who comes from a poor country." There are also punctuation errors, such as missing commas that could help clarify meaning, especially in longer sentences. For instance, "not by force but in peaceful ways" could benefit from a comma for better readability.
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should focus on common grammatical rules, such as subject-verb agreement and proper verb forms. Regular practice with grammar exercises and reviewing common mistakes can be beneficial. Additionally, proofreading the essay for punctuation errors and ensuring that commas are used correctly to separate clauses will enhance clarity. Reading more complex texts can also help the writer internalize correct grammatical structures and punctuation usage.

Overall, while the essay presents a relevant argument, improving the range of sentence structures and enhancing grammatical accuracy will significantly elevate the quality of writing and potentially lead to a higher band score in the IELTS assessment.

Bài sửa mẫu

In this contemporary world, sports is viewed as a lucrative business with substantial income for professionals and significant profits for sports companies across various aspects of life. This essay advocates for the beneficial aspects of this trend, as it could contribute to the popularity of sports and strengthen the unity of all nations in the world.

First, this phenomenon can bring sports to a wider audience. This is because when large companies recognize the potential of sports, they may promote it to citizens, who may participate in this sport if they find it appealing. Additionally, through advertising, individuals with sporting abilities may find opportunities to change their lives and subsequently improve the quality of sports. For example, recent research has shown that many famous footballers, including Mane, who comes from a poor country, saw an advertisement about football and found it interesting. Now, he is regarded as one of the best footballers and allocates a significant portion of his salary to reconstruct his country, thereby improving the quality of life for its residents.

Moreover, sports are used as an effective means to enhance relationships among countries. Specifically, sporting events serve as platforms where many nations come together to compete, not coercively but peacefully. During these events, not only do participants gain valuable experiences by competing with others from different countries, but nations can also use these occasions to enhance their national image and identify potential countries for cooperation. Taking the World Cup 2018 as an example, Russia was the host country, and throughout this event, they garnered a positive perception from the US, which has historically been viewed as their adversary during the Cold War.

In conclusion, the development of sports is a positive trend, as it could help make sports more popular and contribute to world peace.