Nowadays, there is more and more competition for getting into university. Is this a positive or negative development?

Nowadays, there is more and more competition for getting into university.
Is this a positive or negative development?

In recent years, high school students are likely to face more intense competition to secure a position in universities. While this change brings some obvious benefits, I am of the opinion that it is not always an optimistic development for pupils and society in aggregate.
On the one hand, it is true that higher levels of competition among students are advantageous for THE educational SPHERE atmosphere. Educational standards could be enhanced as students may be more motivated to pursue intellectual growth and achievements in a competitive environment. This motivation could drive them to engage more deeply with their coursework, seek additional learning opportunities, and participate in challenging academic projects. As a result, the competitive environment acts as a catalyst for students to strive for excellence in various aspects of their academic journey.
On the other hand, I share the concerns of people who believe academic competition has a pessimistic impact on students. Firstly, the desire to maintain an exceptional performance may cause students great emotional stress. University applicants have a tendency to devote almost all of their time to learning, from finishing assignments at schools to attending extra classes at the weekend. This, in the long term, can lead to serious health problems, such as sleep disturbances, anxiety disorders and burnout. Secondly, highly competitive environments are expected to intensify the socio-economic disparity among students. There is no doubt that applicants from underprivileged backgrounds lack access to resources such as private tutors, advanced courses and extracurricular activities that could increase their chance to secure admission to a prestigious university. As a consequence, these students may lose their chance to receive higher education and improve their quality of life.
In conclusion, while competition could help to boost educational standards, I subscribe to the idea that this development may do more harm than good as students have to suffer possible health issues and socio-economic differences.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

Errors and Improvements:

1. "In recent years, high school students are likely to face more intense competition to secure a position in universities." -> "In recent years, high school students have encountered heightened competition in securing positions at universities."
   Explanation: The revised sentence maintains a formal tone by rephrasing the sentence to convey the idea that students face increased competition without using the informal phrase "are likely to face" and by restructuring the sentence for clarity.

2. "While this change brings some obvious benefits, I am of the opinion that it is not always an optimistic development for pupils and society in aggregate." -> "Despite the apparent benefits of this shift, I contend that it does not consistently yield optimistic outcomes for both students and society as a whole."
   Explanation: The suggested alternative replaces the informal phrase "I am of the opinion" with a more formal "I contend" and rephrases the sentence for better flow and academic style.

3. "On the one hand, it is true that higher levels of competition among students are advantageous for THE educational SPHERE atmosphere." -> "On one hand, increased competition among students proves advantageous for the educational environment."
   Explanation: The revision eliminates unnecessary repetition of the phrase "it is true that" and replaces the informal phrase "On the one hand" with a more concise "On one hand," while also improving the choice of words.

4. "University applicants have a tendency to devote almost all of their time to learning, from finishing assignments at schools to attending extra classes at the weekend." -> "Prospective university students often dedicate a significant portion of their time to academic pursuits, encompassing completion of school assignments and attendance of supplementary weekend classes."
   Explanation: The suggested alternative replaces the colloquial phrase "have a tendency to" with the more formal "often dedicate," offering a more precise and sophisticated expression.

5. "This, in the long term, can lead to serious health problems, such as sleep disturbances, anxiety disorders and burnout." -> "Over time, this practice may result in severe health issues, including sleep disturbances, anxiety disorders, and burnout."
   Explanation: The revised sentence provides a more formal and concise expression by replacing the informal phrase "in the long term" with "Over time" and by organizing the list of health problems more systematically.

6. "Secondly, highly competitive environments are expected to intensify the socio-economic disparity among students." -> "Secondly, it is anticipated that highly competitive environments will exacerbate socio-economic disparities among students."
   Explanation: The suggested alternative improves formality by replacing the informal "are expected to" with "it is anticipated that" and uses more advanced vocabulary, such as "exacerbate," to enhance precision and sophistication.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

• Answer All Parts of the Question:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses both sides of the prompt, discussing the advantages and disadvantages of increased competition for university admission. The introduction clearly presents the writer’s opinion on the matter.
  • How to improve: To enhance comprehensiveness, consider providing a brief preview of the main points to be discussed in the body paragraphs. This will guide the reader and help them anticipate the structure of the essay.

• Present a Clear Position Throughout:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a consistent stance, asserting that while competition has some benefits, the overall impact is negative. Each paragraph reinforces this position.
  • How to improve: To strengthen clarity, ensure that each paragraph is explicitly linked to the writer’s position. Consider reiterating the main stance in the conclusion for emphasis.

• Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively presents ideas with clear topic sentences and develops them through examples and reasoning. Instances like the discussion on enhanced educational standards and potential negative consequences are well-elaborated.
  • How to improve: To further enrich the essay, consider providing more specific examples or statistics to support general statements. This will add depth and credibility to the arguments.

• Stay on Topic:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, discussing the positive and negative aspects of increased competition for university admission. There are no significant deviations.
  • How to improve: To maintain focus, ensure that every point made directly relates to the impact of competition on university admission. Avoid introducing unrelated ideas that may distract from the main argument.

Overall Feedback:
The essay effectively addresses the prompt, providing a balanced discussion on the positive and negative aspects of heightened competition for university admission. The arguments are well-structured, and the language use is generally clear. To further improve, consider enhancing the introduction’s clarity and reinforcing the main stance throughout the essay. Additionally, providing more specific examples or evidence can bolster the overall persuasiveness of the essay.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

• Organize Information Logically:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a generally logical organization of information. The introduction presents a clear thesis statement, and the subsequent paragraphs follow a coherent structure by presenting arguments both in favor and against the increased competition. However, there are instances where the transition between ideas could be smoother. For example, the transition from the positive aspects of competition to the negative aspects could be more clearly signaled, ensuring a seamless flow of ideas.
  • How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider using transition words or phrases to guide the reader through shifts in focus. Clearly signal the move from discussing the benefits to addressing the drawbacks of increased competition. This will create a more cohesive and easy-to-follow essay structure.

• Use Paragraphs:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay is adequately paragraphed, with distinct sections focusing on different aspects of the argument. However, some paragraphs could be more refined in terms of topic sentences and unity of ideas. For instance, the paragraph discussing the negative impact of competition could benefit from a stronger topic sentence that succinctly introduces the main idea.
  • How to improve: Strengthen each paragraph by ensuring a clear topic sentence that introduces the main point. Follow up with supporting details and examples to maintain a cohesive and well-structured paragraph.

• Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay employs a variety of cohesive devices, such as transition words (e.g., "on the one hand," "on the other hand," "in conclusion") and pronouns to link ideas. However, there is room for improvement in terms of diversifying the range of cohesive devices used. Additionally, some sentences could benefit from more explicit connections to preceding ideas.
  • How to improve: Expand the repertoire of cohesive devices beyond basic transitions. Consider using cohesive devices that establish logical relationships between ideas (e.g., cause and effect, contrast). Also, ensure that connections between sentences are explicit to enhance overall coherence.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a commendable level of coherence and cohesion, refining the transitions between ideas, strengthening topic sentences, and diversifying cohesive devices will contribute to an even more effective and polished piece of writing.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

• Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary. There is an attempt to incorporate varied words, but it lacks consistency and depth. For example, phrases like "educational sphere atmosphere" could be refined for more precision. Additionally, the essay would benefit from a richer selection of vocabulary to convey ideas more vividly and precisely.
  • How to improve: To enhance the range of vocabulary, consider exploring synonyms and alternative expressions for common words and phrases. Introduce specialized terms or domain-specific language where appropriate. For instance, instead of "educational sphere atmosphere," consider alternatives like "academic milieu" or "educational ambiance" to add nuance.

• Use Vocabulary Precisely:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay sometimes uses vocabulary precisely, but there are instances where words are imprecise or overused. For instance, the repeated use of "competition" could be replaced with synonyms like "rivalry" or "contest" for better lexical variety. Precise word choices will contribute to a more polished and sophisticated expression of ideas.
  • How to improve: Pay attention to the context in which words are used and strive for precision. Use synonyms judiciously to avoid redundancy. Employ a thesaurus or contextually appropriate words to convey nuanced meanings. For example, instead of consistently using "competition," vary it with terms like "academic rivalry" or "scholarly contest" where fitting.

• Use Correct Spelling:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains correct spelling, with only a few minor errors (e.g., "the" instead of "THE," "Sphere" instead of "sphere"). These errors do not significantly impede understanding, but attention to detail is crucial for achieving a higher band score.
  • How to improve: Proofread meticulously to catch minor spelling errors. Consider reading the essay aloud or using spelling and grammar tools to identify and rectify such issues. Developing a habit of reviewing written work systematically will contribute to improved spelling accuracy. Additionally, be cautious about consistent capitalization of words to maintain consistency throughout the essay.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

• Use a Wide Range of Structures:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of sentence structures, including simple and complex sentences. However, there is room for improvement in terms of sentence variety. Many sentences follow a straightforward structure, which impacts the overall fluency and sophistication of the writing. For instance, the frequent use of introductory phrases followed by simple sentences may be considered repetitive.
  • How to improve: To enhance grammatical range and sophistication, consider incorporating a more diverse array of sentence structures. Experiment with compound and complex sentences to add nuance and depth to your writing. For instance, instead of relying solely on simple sentences, try combining ideas using conjunctions or subordinate clauses.

• Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally displays a good command of grammar and punctuation. However, there are instances of minor errors that slightly affect the overall accuracy. For example, in the phrase "for THE educational SPHERE atmosphere," the article "the" before "educational" is unnecessary. Additionally, there are some issues with subject-verb agreement, such as "competition among students are advantageous," where "are" should be replaced with "is."
  • How to improve: Pay close attention to article usage and subject-verb agreement. Review your sentences for unnecessary articles and ensure that verbs agree with their subjects. Consider proofreading your work carefully to catch such minor errors, as they can impact the clarity and precision of your expression. Utilize grammar-check tools or seek feedback from peers to enhance your grammatical accuracy.

In summary, the essay demonstrates a strong command of grammatical structures overall, earning a Band Score of 7. To improve, focus on diversifying sentence structures for added sophistication and carefully review grammar and punctuation to eliminate minor errors.

Bài sửa mẫu

In recent years, high school students are increasingly encountering intensified competition to secure positions at universities. While this shift brings some apparent benefits, I am of the opinion that it does not consistently lead to optimistic outcomes for students and society as a whole.

On the positive side, heightened competition among students can be advantageous for the educational environment. It is true that educational standards could be elevated as students become more motivated to pursue intellectual growth and achievements in a competitive setting. This motivation may drive them to engage more deeply with their coursework, seek additional learning opportunities, and participate in challenging academic projects. Consequently, the competitive environment acts as a catalyst for students to strive for excellence in various aspects of their academic journey.

However, I share the concerns of those who believe academic competition has a negative impact on students. Firstly, the desire to maintain exceptional performance may cause students significant emotional stress. University applicants often dedicate a substantial amount of their time to learning, from completing assignments at school to attending extra classes on weekends. This, in the long run, can result in severe health problems, such as sleep disturbances, anxiety disorders, and burnout. Secondly, highly competitive environments are expected to exacerbate socio-economic disparities among students. It is undeniable that applicants from underprivileged backgrounds lack access to resources such as private tutors, advanced courses, and extracurricular activities that could enhance their chances of securing admission to a prestigious university. Consequently, these students may miss the opportunity to receive higher education and improve their quality of life.

In conclusion, while competition may help boost educational standards, I subscribe to the idea that this development may do more harm than good, as students may have to endure possible health issues and face socio-economic differences.