Part 2: what are the advantages and disadvantages of living in a number of different places during childhood years?
Although most children experience their childhood in their hometowns, some have to change their living locations frequently depending on their parents’s working places. This essay will disscuss benefits and drawbacks of this situation.
On the one hand, living in a number of different places during childhood years brings some advantages. Firstly, children who are used to the change in living conditions in different places are likely to become more mature than those in the same age group. When coming to a new place, they may try to explore its citizens, infrastructure and cultures by themselves, hence increasing their independence and confidence. Moreover, children can be more adaptive and ready to face any significant changes in the future as they have experienced such big changes since they were young.
On the other hand, there are still drawbacks when children do not have a permanent place to live. First, they may face with culture shock when move to a totally different region. For example, a large number of Vietnamese children, who have to move to big cities because their parent’s changed workplaces, report that they felt stressed and become more introverted because they found that living conditions are very different with those in countrysides. Besides, some introverted children can hardly make new friends in their new neighborhoods, so they may feel lonely and gradually not want to socialize.
In conclusion, children who have experienced different living conditions can take advantages to become more mature or be stressed and become anti-social. Therefore, parents should follow them and provide instructions when move to a new environment to make their child more confident.
Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng
Errors and Improvements:
"disscuss" -> "discuss"
Explanation: Correcting the spelling error by replacing "disscuss" with "discuss" ensures proper usage and maintains formal language in an academic context.
"parents’s" -> "parents’"
Explanation: Adjusting the possessive form from "parents’s" to "parents’" is a grammatically correct representation, eliminating the extra ‘s and adhering to standard punctuation rules.
"On the one hand," -> "Firstly,"
Explanation: Replacing "On the one hand," with "Firstly," introduces a more formal and structured transition, aligning with academic writing conventions.
"they may try to explore its citizens," -> "they may seek to explore the local residents,"
Explanation: Substituting "explore its citizens" with "seek to explore the local residents" enhances formality and precision, avoiding potential ambiguity and emphasizing cultural exploration.
"children can be more adaptive" -> "children can be more adaptable"
Explanation: Changing "adaptive" to "adaptable" corrects the adjective form and maintains consistency in language use, contributing to a more polished academic tone.
"When coming to a new place," -> "Upon arriving in a new location,"
Explanation: The replacement of "When coming to a new place," with "Upon arriving in a new location," offers a more sophisticated and formal expression, fitting the academic style.
"a large number of Vietnamese children" -> "numerous Vietnamese children"
Explanation: Substituting "a large number of" with "numerous" maintains conciseness and introduces a more formal tone, aligning with academic writing standards.
"parent’s" -> "parents’"
Explanation: Correcting the possessive form from "parent’s" to "parents’" ensures grammatical accuracy and adheres to proper punctuation rules.
"report that they felt stressed" -> "report experiencing stress"
Explanation: Changing "report that they felt stressed" to "report experiencing stress" streamlines the expression and avoids unnecessary wording, contributing to a more concise and formal style.
"gradually not want to socialize" -> "gradually become less inclined to socialize"
Explanation: Substituting "gradually not want to socialize" with "gradually become less inclined to socialize" provides a more precise and academically appropriate expression, avoiding informal language.
Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7
Band Score: 7.0
Quoted text: "Although most children experience their childhood in their hometowns, some have to change their living locations frequently depending on their parents’s working places. This essay will disscuss benefits and drawbacks of this situation."
- Explanation and Improvement Suggestions: The introduction lacks a clear and concise thesis statement that outlines the writer’s position on the advantages and disadvantages of living in different places during childhood. It’s crucial to explicitly state your viewpoint to guide the reader. Consider revising the introduction to include a strong thesis statement that previews the main points you will discuss.
- Improved example: "In today’s globalized world, many children experience frequent changes in their living locations due to their parents’ work requirements. This essay will explore both the advantages and disadvantages of such a lifestyle on a child’s development."
Quoted text: "Moreover, children can be more adaptive and ready to face any significant changes in the future as they have experienced such big changes since they were young."
- Explanation and Improvement Suggestions: The idea is well-presented, but it lacks depth in terms of explanation and examples. To enhance your argument, provide specific instances or personal experiences that illustrate how being adaptable during childhood prepares individuals for future challenges. This will add substance to your point and strengthen your overall argument.
- Improved example: "Furthermore, this adaptability acquired during childhood becomes a valuable asset in adulthood. For instance, a child who has lived in diverse environments may find it easier to adjust to new workplaces or cultural settings later in life."
Quoted text: "For example, a large number of Vietnamese children, who have to move to big cities because their parent’s changed workplaces, report that they felt stressed and become more introverted because they found that living conditions are very different with those in countrysides."
- Explanation and Improvement Suggestions: The example provided is relevant, but it lacks elaboration and depth. To improve, delve into more specific details about the challenges these children faced, such as the cultural differences or specific instances that caused stress. This will make your example more compelling and enhance the overall persuasiveness of your argument.
- Improved example: "For instance, a significant number of Vietnamese children relocating to bustling urban areas due to their parents’ job changes often encounter considerable stress. The stark contrast in living conditions between the countryside and the city, coupled with cultural differences, can lead to feelings of isolation and anxiety among these children."
Overall, the essay adequately addresses the task but could benefit from clearer thesis statements in the introduction and more detailed examples to support the presented ideas.
Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7
Band Score: 7.0
The essay demonstrates a logical organization of ideas with a clear progression throughout. Each paragraph presents a central topic, contributing to coherence. The use of cohesive devices is generally appropriate, although there are instances of underuse and overuse. For example, the transition from the advantages to disadvantages could be smoother. The essay effectively explores the topic, discussing both advantages and disadvantages in a balanced manner.
How to improve:
To enhance coherence, ensure a smoother transition between ideas, particularly when shifting from advantages to disadvantages. Use a variety of cohesive devices consistently throughout the essay. Additionally, focus on refining sentence-level cohesion to eliminate instances of underuse or overuse, creating a more seamless flow between sentences. Pay attention to the balance between elaboration and conciseness to maintain clarity and cohesion.
Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6
Band Score: 6.0
This essay demonstrates an adequate range of vocabulary, attempting to convey ideas with varied word choices. It uses less common vocabulary sporadically, but with some inaccuracy. The essay shows an effort to explore the advantages and disadvantages of living in different places during childhood, utilizing vocabulary related to the topic. However, there are instances where the word choices could be more sophisticated to enhance precision and conveyance of ideas. While errors in word choice, spelling, and word formation are present, they do not significantly impede understanding.
How to improve:
To enhance the lexical resource, aim for a wider variety of vocabulary, particularly using more sophisticated and precise language relevant to the topic. Work on employing less common lexical items accurately, paying attention to word choice, collocation, and style to convey ideas effectively. Additionally, revise and proofread the essay to minimize errors in spelling and word formation, which can detract from the overall impression of language proficiency.
Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6
Band Score: 6.0
The essay demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence structures, contributing to a fair level of grammatical variety. While there are some errors in grammar and punctuation, they rarely hinder communication. The essay discusses both advantages and disadvantages, providing a reasonable level of detail. However, there are instances where language use is imprecise, affecting overall clarity.
How to improve:
- Sentence Structure: Continue to diversify sentence structures further. Introduce more complex sentence forms to enhance overall fluency and sophistication.
- Grammar and Punctuation: Pay close attention to grammar and punctuation to minimize errors. Review sentence structures to ensure accuracy and clarity.
- Precision in Language Use: Be precise in the choice of words to avoid ambiguity and enhance the overall quality of expression.
- Paragraph Organization: Ensure a clear and logical progression of ideas within paragraphs for improved coherence.
This essay exhibits potential but requires refinement in language precision and structure to elevate it to a higher band score.
Bài sửa mẫu
While most children spend their childhood in their hometowns, some undergo frequent relocations due to their parents’ job requirements. This essay will discuss the advantages and disadvantages of such a lifestyle.
On the positive side, living in various places during childhood offers several benefits. Firstly, children accustomed to changing living conditions tend to develop greater maturity compared to their peers in stable environments. Upon arriving in a new location, they often take the initiative to explore its citizens, infrastructure, and cultures independently, thereby enhancing their independence and self-confidence. Additionally, these children become more adaptable and resilient, better equipped to confront significant changes in the future due to their early exposure to such transitions.
Conversely, there are notable drawbacks when children lack a permanent place of residence. Initially, they may experience culture shock when relocating to a completely different region. For instance, a considerable number of Vietnamese children compelled to move to urban areas due to their parents’ job changes report feeling stressed and becoming more introverted as they grapple with the notable differences in living conditions compared to rural areas. Moreover, introverted children may struggle to make new friends in their new neighborhoods, leading to feelings of loneliness and a gradual reluctance to socialize.
In conclusion, the experience of diverse living conditions can empower children to mature and adapt, but it can also lead to stress and social withdrawal. Consequently, it is crucial for parents to support their children during relocations, offering guidance to foster confidence in adapting to new environments.