Part 2. You should write an essay of about 250 words. (3 points) Space travel has been possible for some time and some people believe that space tourism could be developed in the future. Do you think it is a positive or negative development?

Part 2. You should write an essay of about 250 words. (3 points)
Space travel has been possible for some time and some people believe that space tourism could be developed in the future. Do you think it is a positive or negative development?

Travelling in the space has been possible for some time and it is believed that space tourism could be developed in the future in order to improve individuals’ life. In my opinion, I believe that improving space travel can bring numerous benefits for people.

First of all, thanks to the development of intelligent technology, space tourism will be installed in the nearest future. Therefore, there will appear more space – transportation that may help individuals to build a green environment because cars are no longer replaced by these intelligent vehicle. Furthermore, space tourism can be much more convenient and suitable for person who passionate about the space and also for scientists in doing researches. For example, people in around the world can gain more information about the things that related to space or even far from that.

Secondly, if space travel has been able for the future, people can easily move from this space to another space for living because the population in many countries may increase rapidly. As a result, there will no lands for people to live so that this trend can be a necessary benefits. Moreover, more jobs about space tourism will appear and this may solve the problem about the lack of career opportunities.

In conclusion, I believe that travelling in the space will be a positive development in the future in different fields such as building a green social, gaining knowledge about space and solving the issues of unemployment.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

1. "Travelling in the space" -> "Traveling in space"
   Explanation: "Traveling" is the correct gerund form for the verb "to travel" in this context, and "space" should not be preceded by "in the" as it is a noun that refers to the environment directly.

2. "improve individuals’ life" -> "enhance the lives of individuals"
   Explanation: "Enhance" is more precise and formal than "improve," and "the lives of individuals" is grammatically correct and clearer.

3. "I believe that improving space travel" -> "I contend that the improvement of space travel"
   Explanation: "I contend" is a stronger, more academic expression than "I believe," and "the improvement of" is more formal and precise.

4. "thanks to the development of intelligent technology" -> "owing to the advancements in intelligent technology"
   Explanation: "Owing to" is a more formal preposition than "thanks to," and "advancements" is a more precise term than "development."

5. "will be installed in the nearest future" -> "will be implemented in the near future"
   Explanation: "Implemented" is the correct term for introducing new systems or technologies, and "near future" is the correct phrase.

6. "may help individuals to build a green environment" -> "could assist in creating a sustainable environment"
   Explanation: "Assist in creating" is more specific and academically appropriate than "help individuals to build," and "sustainable" is a more precise term than "green."

7. "cars are no longer replaced by these intelligent vehicle" -> "cars will no longer be replaced by these intelligent vehicles"
   Explanation: "Will no longer be replaced" corrects the tense and grammatical structure, and "vehicles" should be plural to match the plural context.

8. "space tourism can be much more convenient and suitable for person who passionate about the space" -> "space tourism could be significantly more convenient and suitable for individuals passionate about space"
   Explanation: "Could be significantly more" corrects the tense and formality, and "individuals passionate about space" is grammatically correct and formal.

9. "doing researches" -> "conducting research"
   Explanation: "Conducting research" is the correct gerund form and is more formal and precise.

10. "people in around the world" -> "people worldwide"
    Explanation: "People worldwide" is a more concise and formal expression.

11. "has been able for the future" -> "will be feasible in the future"
    Explanation: "Will be feasible" corrects the awkward and incorrect phrasing, providing a clearer and more formal expression.

12. "move from this space to another space for living" -> "travel from one space to another for habitation"
    Explanation: "Travel" and "habitation" are more precise and formal terms than "move" and "living."

13. "no lands for people to live" -> "no land available for habitation"
    Explanation: "No land available for habitation" is a more formal and precise way to express the idea.

14. "this trend can be a necessary benefits" -> "this trend could be a necessary benefit"
    Explanation: "Could be a necessary benefit" corrects the grammatical error and improves formality.

15. "more jobs about space tourism will appear" -> "more jobs in the field of space tourism will emerge"
    Explanation: "In the field of" is more precise and formal than "about," and "emerge" is a more academic term than "appear."

16. "the problem about the lack of career opportunities" -> "the issue of limited career opportunities"
    Explanation: "The issue of limited career opportunities" is a more formal and precise way to describe the problem.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Task Response: 5 – UNDER WORD

• Answer All Parts of the Question:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay addresses the prompt by discussing the potential positive aspects of space tourism. However, it does not fully explore the negative implications or counterarguments, which are essential for a balanced response to the question. For instance, while the essay mentions benefits such as job creation and environmental improvements, it fails to consider potential downsides, such as the environmental impact of space travel or the exclusivity of space tourism.
  • How to improve: To enhance the response, the writer should explicitly address both sides of the argument. Including a paragraph that discusses potential negative consequences, such as environmental concerns or the ethical implications of space tourism, would provide a more comprehensive answer to the prompt.

• Present a Clear Position Throughout:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear position that space tourism is a positive development. However, the use of phrases like "I believe" and "it is believed" creates some ambiguity regarding the author’s stance. The position is somewhat diluted by the lack of a strong, consistent voice throughout the essay.
  • How to improve: The writer should aim to maintain a more assertive tone by consistently using first-person statements and avoiding passive constructions. For example, instead of saying "it is believed," the writer could say, "I believe that…" This would strengthen the clarity of the position.

• Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents several ideas, such as technological advancements and job creation, but these points lack sufficient development and supporting evidence. For instance, the claim that space tourism will lead to a "green environment" is vague and not substantiated with specific examples or explanations. Additionally, the connection between space tourism and job creation is mentioned but not elaborated upon.
  • How to improve: To improve this aspect, the writer should provide more detailed explanations and examples for each point made. For instance, discussing specific technologies that could facilitate space tourism or providing statistics on job growth in related fields would enhance the argument’s depth and credibility.

• Stay on Topic:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, focusing on the benefits of space tourism. However, there are moments where the ideas become somewhat tangential, such as the mention of "building a green environment" without a clear link to space tourism. This can distract from the main argument and weaken the overall coherence of the essay.
  • How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should ensure that every point made directly relates to the central argument about space tourism. Each paragraph should begin with a clear topic sentence that ties back to the thesis, and any supporting details should reinforce that main idea.

In summary, to improve the essay’s band score, the writer should aim to address both sides of the argument, maintain a clear and assertive position, provide more detailed support for their ideas, and ensure that all content remains relevant to the topic of space tourism. Additionally, the essay should meet the required word count of approximately 250 words to avoid penalties for being under word.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

• Organize Information Logically:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas in a somewhat logical order, beginning with an introduction that outlines the topic and the writer’s opinion. However, the progression of ideas within paragraphs lacks clarity. For instance, the first paragraph introduces the idea of intelligent technology but does not clearly connect it to space tourism or explain how it will improve individuals’ lives. The transition from discussing technology to environmental benefits is abrupt and lacks a clear logical connection.
  • How to improve: To enhance logical organization, the writer should ensure that each paragraph has a clear main idea that is supported by relevant examples. Using topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph can help clarify the main point. Additionally, linking ideas between paragraphs with transitional phrases (e.g., "Furthermore," "In addition," "On the other hand") can improve the overall flow of the essay.

• Use Paragraphs:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay is divided into paragraphs, but the structure is not entirely effective. The first paragraph combines multiple ideas without clear separation, making it difficult for the reader to follow. The second paragraph introduces new concepts without adequately linking them to the previous discussion. The conclusion summarizes the points but does not effectively encapsulate the arguments made in the body paragraphs.
  • How to improve: Each paragraph should focus on a single main idea. For example, the first paragraph could be dedicated solely to the benefits of technology in space tourism, while the second could address the implications of population growth and job creation. Ensuring that each paragraph begins with a clear topic sentence and ends with a summary or transition to the next point can enhance clarity.

• Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay uses some cohesive devices, such as "first of all" and "secondly," to indicate the order of points. However, the range of cohesive devices is limited, and their usage is sometimes repetitive. For example, the phrase "space tourism" is used multiple times without variation, which can make the writing feel monotonous. Additionally, the connections between sentences within paragraphs could be stronger.
  • How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, the writer should incorporate a wider range of linking words and phrases, such as "in addition," "for instance," "consequently," and "however." This will not only enhance the flow of ideas but also make the writing more engaging. Additionally, varying vocabulary related to the topic (e.g., using "extraterrestrial travel" or "cosmic exploration" instead of repeatedly saying "space tourism") can improve cohesion and keep the reader’s interest.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates an understanding of the topic and presents some relevant ideas, improvements in logical organization, paragraph structure, and the use of cohesive devices are necessary to achieve a higher band score in Coherence and Cohesion.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

• Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary. Phrases like "intelligent technology," "space tourism," and "green environment" show some variety. However, the vocabulary is often repetitive, particularly with the use of "space" and "individuals." For instance, the phrase "improving space travel" is used multiple times, which detracts from the overall lexical variety.
  • How to improve: To enhance vocabulary range, the writer should aim to incorporate synonyms and related terms. For example, instead of repeatedly using "space," alternatives like "outer space," "cosmos," or "universe" could be employed. Additionally, using more specific terms related to technology and tourism could enrich the essay, such as "aerospace technology" or "extraterrestrial tourism."

• Use Vocabulary Precisely:

  • Detailed explanation: There are instances of imprecise vocabulary usage that can lead to confusion. For example, the phrase "space – transportation" is awkward and unclear; it would be better expressed as "space transportation." Similarly, the term "intelligent vehicle" lacks clarity—it’s unclear what specific technology is being referred to. The phrase "people in around the world" is also incorrect; it should be "people around the world."
  • How to improve: To improve precision, the writer should focus on clarity and correctness in word choice. Reviewing the definitions and contexts of vocabulary before using them can help. For instance, instead of "intelligent vehicle," the writer could specify "autonomous spacecraft" if that is the intended meaning. Additionally, proofreading for grammatical accuracy will help eliminate awkward constructions.

• Use Correct Spelling:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors and grammatical issues that affect readability. For instance, "has been able" should be "has been possible," and "there will no lands" should be "there will be no land." These errors indicate a lack of attention to detail in spelling and grammar.
  • How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, the writer should engage in regular practice with spelling exercises and utilize tools like spell checkers. Additionally, reading the essay aloud can help identify awkward phrasing and errors. It is also beneficial to review common spelling rules and exceptions in English to avoid frequent mistakes.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a basic understanding of the topic and attempts to use a range of vocabulary, improvements in variety, precision, and spelling are necessary to achieve a higher band score. Focusing on these areas will enhance the overall quality of the writing.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 5

• Use a Wide Range of Structures:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of sentence structures. While there are some complex sentences, such as "In my opinion, I believe that improving space travel can bring numerous benefits for people," the overall variety is lacking. Many sentences follow a simple structure, which can make the writing feel repetitive. For instance, phrases like "space tourism can be much more convenient" and "there will appear more space – transportation" reflect a basic sentence construction that does not showcase a wide range of grammatical forms.
  • How to improve: To enhance the variety of sentence structures, the writer should practice using different types of sentences, including compound and complex sentences. For example, combining shorter sentences with conjunctions (e.g., "and," "but," "although") can create more sophisticated structures. Additionally, incorporating relative clauses (e.g., "which can help individuals…") could add depth to the writing.

• Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical errors and punctuation issues. For example, "Travelling in the space" should be "Travelling in space," as "the" is unnecessary. The phrase "there will appear more space – transportation" is awkwardly constructed and should be revised to "there will be more space transportation." Additionally, the use of commas is inconsistent, as seen in "for person who passionate about the space," which should be "for a person who is passionate about space." These errors detract from the clarity and professionalism of the writing.
  • How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should focus on subject-verb agreement and the correct use of articles. Practicing sentence correction exercises can help identify common mistakes. Furthermore, reviewing punctuation rules, especially concerning commas and hyphens, will enhance clarity. Reading well-structured essays can also provide examples of correct grammar and punctuation usage.

In summary, while the essay presents a clear opinion and some relevant points, significant improvements in grammatical range and accuracy are necessary to achieve a higher band score. Focusing on diversifying sentence structures and refining grammatical and punctuation skills will greatly enhance the overall quality of the writing.

Bài sửa mẫu

Traveling in space has been possible for some time, and it is believed that space tourism could be developed in the future in order to enhance the lives of individuals. In my opinion, I contend that the improvement of space travel can bring numerous benefits for people.

First of all, owing to the advancements in intelligent technology, space tourism will be implemented in the near future. Therefore, more space transportation will appear that may help individuals to create a sustainable environment because cars will no longer be replaced by these intelligent vehicles. Furthermore, space tourism could be significantly more convenient and suitable for individuals passionate about space and also for scientists conducting research. For example, people worldwide can gain more information about things related to space or even beyond that.

Secondly, if space travel becomes feasible in the future, people can easily move from one space to another for habitation because the population in many countries may increase rapidly. As a result, there will be no land available for habitation, so this trend could be a necessary benefit. Moreover, more jobs in the field of space tourism will emerge, which may address the issue of limited career opportunities.

In conclusion, I believe that traveling in space will be a positive development in the future in different fields such as creating a sustainable society, gaining knowledge about space, and solving the issues of unemployment.