Question 1: Tell a story of a person’s life that you admire.

Elon Musk, born in 1971 in South Africa, is renowned for his audacious vision. He consistently dreams big and isn't afraid to pursue ambitious goals, such as colonizing Mars. His tireless work ethic is evident in the countless hours he dedicates to his ventures, always striving for improvement. As a skilled leader, Musk inspires his teams to innovate and think outside the box. Ultimately, his driving force is to create products and services that revolutionize human lives and protect our planet.

However, Musk's childhood was far from idyllic. Bullied at school due to his small stature and vivid imagination, he grappled with a complex family dynamic. His parents' divorce left lasting emotional scars. Yet, instead of succumbing to adversity, Musk found solace in books and exploration. At a young age, he taught himself programming and even created a video game. These challenging experiences forged his unwavering determination and ignited a burning desire to make a difference in the world.

Today, Musk is one of the world's richest individuals and the founder of influential tech companies like Tesla, SpaceX, Neuralink, and The Boring Company. His story serves as a powerful inspiration, demonstrating that with passion, perseverance, and a touch of audacity, we can achieve seemingly impossible feats."

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"born in 1971 in South Africa" -> "born in 1971 in South Africa"
Explanation: This is not an error per se, but it could be more formal to specify the exact date of birth, such as "born on June 28, 1971, in Pretoria, South Africa."
"renowned for his audacious vision" -> "recognized for his ambitious vision"
Explanation: "Audacious" can imply a sense of boldness that may not be entirely appropriate in this context. "Ambitious" better captures the idea of striving for significant goals without the connotation of audacity.
"consistently dreams big" -> "consistently sets ambitious goals"
Explanation: "Dreams big" is an idiomatic expression that may be too informal for academic writing. "Sets ambitious goals" is more precise and formal.
"isn’t afraid to pursue" -> "is not hesitant to pursue"
Explanation: "Isn’t afraid" uses a contraction which is less formal. "Is not hesitant" maintains a formal tone and avoids contractions.
"tireless work ethic" -> "unwavering work ethic"
Explanation: "Tireless" can imply exhaustion, which might not be the intended meaning. "Unwavering" better conveys dedication and persistence without the negative connotation of exhaustion.
"always striving for improvement" -> "constantly striving for improvement"
Explanation: "Always" can be seen as too absolute and informal. "Constantly" is more precise and maintains a formal tone.
"think outside the box" -> "think innovatively"
Explanation: "Think outside the box" is an idiom that may be too colloquial for academic writing. "Think innovatively" is more formal and specific.
"driving force" -> "primary motivation"
Explanation: "Driving force" is a metaphorical expression that might be less clear in an academic context. "Primary motivation" is a more direct and formal term.
"far from idyllic" -> "not idyllic"
Explanation: "Far from" is a colloquial expression. "Not" is more straightforward and appropriate for formal writing.
"vivid imagination" -> "vivid imagination"
Explanation: This is not an error, but "vivid" can be redundant in this context. The phrase is clear without it.
"taught himself programming" -> "self-taught himself programming"
Explanation: "Taught himself" is grammatically correct but less formal. "Self-taught" is a more precise and formal term.
"ignited a burning desire" -> "kindled a strong desire"
Explanation: "Ignited a burning desire" uses metaphorical language that may be too vivid for formal writing. "Kindled a strong desire" is more subdued and appropriate for an academic tone.
"one of the world’s richest individuals" -> "one of the wealthiest individuals in the world"
Explanation: "Richest" can be seen as too simplistic and informal. "Wealthiest" is more precise and formal.
"influential tech companies" -> "influential technology companies"
Explanation: "Tech" is an informal abbreviation. "Technology" is the full form, which is more suitable for formal writing.

These changes aim to refine the vocabulary to better align with the standards of academic writing, enhancing precision and formality while maintaining clarity and readability.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Task Response: 5 – UNDER WORD

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay addresses the prompt by focusing on Elon Musk, a person the writer admires. However, it lacks a comprehensive narrative structure that tells a cohesive story of Musk’s life. While it mentions key points such as his childhood challenges and professional achievements, it does not fully develop these elements into a narrative arc that captures the essence of his life story. The essay feels more like a biography than a personal story, which is what the prompt specifically asks for.
- How to improve: To better answer the prompt, the writer should focus on creating a more structured narrative that includes specific anecdotes or pivotal moments in Musk’s life. For example, detailing a significant event from his childhood or a turning point in his career would enhance the storytelling aspect and provide a richer context for the admiration expressed.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear admiration for Elon Musk, but the position could be more strongly articulated throughout the narrative. While the writer mentions Musk’s qualities and achievements, the connection between these traits and the admiration could be more explicitly stated. The essay occasionally shifts focus between his personal struggles and professional successes without clearly linking them to the overarching theme of admiration.
- How to improve: To maintain a clear position, the writer should consistently relate Musk’s qualities and experiences back to the central theme of admiration. This could be achieved by explicitly stating how each aspect of his life contributes to the writer’s respect for him, perhaps by using transitional phrases that reinforce the admiration throughout the essay.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The ideas presented in the essay are relevant but lack depth and development. While the writer mentions Musk’s work ethic and leadership, these points are not sufficiently supported with examples or elaboration. For instance, the mention of his "tireless work ethic" could be strengthened by providing specific instances of his dedication or challenges he faced in his ventures.
- How to improve: To enhance the presentation and support of ideas, the writer should include specific examples that illustrate Musk’s qualities. This could involve detailing a particular project he undertook, the obstacles he faced, and how he overcame them, thereby providing a more robust foundation for the admiration expressed.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, focusing on Elon Musk and the reasons for admiration. However, it occasionally veers into a more general discussion about his achievements without tying them back to the personal narrative aspect of the prompt. For example, while discussing his companies, the writer could connect these achievements back to his personal journey and how they reflect his character.
- How to improve: To maintain focus on the topic, the writer should consistently relate back to the personal story aspect of the prompt. This can be achieved by framing achievements within the context of Musk’s life experiences and how they shaped his character, ensuring that every point made ties back to the central theme of admiration.

Overall, to improve the essay and achieve a higher band score, the writer should focus on developing a cohesive narrative structure, clearly articulating their admiration throughout, providing specific examples to support their ideas, and ensuring that all points made stay relevant to the personal story aspect of the prompt. Additionally, addressing the word count issue will also be crucial for meeting the requirements of the task.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 8

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear and logical progression of ideas, starting with Musk’s current status and vision, then delving into his challenging childhood, and concluding with the impact of his life story. This structure effectively captures the reader’s attention and maintains engagement throughout. The transition from his achievements to his past struggles is smooth, illustrating how his experiences shaped his character and ambitions.
- How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider using more explicit topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph to clearly outline the main idea. For example, the second paragraph could start with a sentence that explicitly states the importance of Musk’s childhood experiences in shaping his future endeavors. This would further clarify the connection between his past and present.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay is well-paragraphed, with each paragraph focusing on a distinct aspect of Musk’s life. The first paragraph introduces his current achievements and vision, while the second delves into his childhood challenges. This separation aids readability and helps the reader follow the narrative.
- How to improve: While the paragraphing is effective, consider adding a concluding paragraph that summarizes Musk’s journey and reiterates the main message of inspiration. This would provide closure to the essay and reinforce the overall theme, enhancing the reader’s understanding of the narrative’s significance.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs a variety of cohesive devices, such as "however," "yet," and "ultimately," which effectively link ideas and contrast different aspects of Musk’s life. These devices help to create a fluid reading experience, guiding the reader through the narrative.
- How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, consider incorporating more transitional phrases that indicate cause and effect, such as "as a result" or "consequently," particularly when discussing how Musk’s childhood experiences influenced his later achievements. This would not only enhance cohesion but also deepen the reader’s understanding of the cause-and-effect relationships in Musk’s life story. Additionally, varying the placement of cohesive devices can create a more dynamic flow, rather than relying on them primarily at the beginning or end of sentences.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 8

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable range of vocabulary, employing terms such as "audacious," "tireless work ethic," "innovate," and "revolutionize." These words effectively convey the subject’s ambitious nature and the impact of his work. The use of phrases like "burning desire" and "lasting emotional scars" adds depth to the narrative, illustrating Musk’s character and experiences vividly.
- How to improve: To elevate the vocabulary further, consider incorporating more varied synonyms or idiomatic expressions. For example, instead of repeating "ambitious goals," you might use "aspirational objectives" or "grand ambitions." This would enhance the lexical variety and keep the reader engaged.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally employs vocabulary accurately, with phrases like "driving force" and "complex family dynamic" effectively conveying the intended meanings. However, the phrase "small stature and vivid imagination" could be interpreted ambiguously. While it highlights Musk’s childhood challenges, it might benefit from clearer context to avoid potential misinterpretation.
- How to improve: Aim for greater precision by providing context for potentially ambiguous phrases. For instance, elaborating on how his "vivid imagination" contributed to both his bullying and his later success could clarify its significance. Additionally, ensure that all terms used are the most appropriate for the context; for example, "solace in books" could be replaced with "refuge in literature" for a more precise expression.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a high level of spelling accuracy, with no noticeable errors. Words such as "entrepreneur," "programming," and "perseverance" are spelled correctly, reflecting a strong command of English spelling conventions.
- How to improve: To maintain and further enhance spelling accuracy, consider regular practice with spelling exercises or utilizing tools such as spell checkers during the writing process. Additionally, reading widely can help reinforce correct spelling through exposure to well-written texts.

Overall, the essay displays a strong command of lexical resource, meriting a band score of 8. By focusing on expanding vocabulary variety, ensuring precise usage, and maintaining spelling accuracy, the writer can work towards achieving an even higher score in future essays.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 8

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable variety of sentence structures. For instance, complex sentences such as "However, Musk’s childhood was far from idyllic" and "These challenging experiences forged his unwavering determination and ignited a burning desire to make a difference in the world" showcase the writer’s ability to convey nuanced ideas effectively. Additionally, the use of compound sentences, such as "His tireless work ethic is evident in the countless hours he dedicates to his ventures, always striving for improvement," further enhances the essay’s complexity.
- How to improve: To elevate the grammatical range even further, consider incorporating more varied introductory phrases and clauses. For example, starting sentences with adverbial clauses (e.g., "Despite facing numerous challenges, Musk…") or using inversion for emphasis (e.g., "Never has a leader inspired so many…") can add depth and sophistication to the writing. Additionally, integrating more passive constructions where appropriate could diversify the sentence structures.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a high level of grammatical accuracy, with only minor issues. For example, the phrase "is renowned for his audacious vision" is grammatically correct and effectively conveys the subject’s prominence. Punctuation is generally well-managed, with commas used appropriately to separate clauses and enhance readability. However, there are instances where additional commas could improve clarity, such as in the sentence "His story serves as a powerful inspiration demonstrating that with passion, perseverance, and a touch of audacity, we can achieve seemingly impossible feats," where a comma after "inspiration" would clarify the sentence structure.
- How to improve: To further enhance grammatical accuracy, it is essential to proofread for minor punctuation errors and ensure that all clauses are clearly delineated. Practicing the use of punctuation in complex sentences, especially with introductory phrases and non-restrictive clauses, can help solidify these skills. Additionally, reviewing common grammatical pitfalls, such as subject-verb agreement and tense consistency, will bolster overall accuracy.

In summary, the essay showcases a strong command of grammatical range and accuracy, meriting a Band Score of 8. By diversifying sentence structures and refining punctuation, the writer can aim for an even higher level of proficiency.

Bài sửa mẫu

Elon Musk, born in 1971 in South Africa, is recognized for his ambitious vision. He consistently sets ambitious goals and is not hesitant to pursue them, such as colonizing Mars. His unwavering work ethic is evident in the countless hours he dedicates to his ventures, constantly striving for improvement. As a skilled leader, Musk inspires his teams to think innovatively and push boundaries. Ultimately, his primary motivation is to create products and services that revolutionize human lives and protect our planet.

However, Musk’s childhood was not idyllic. Bullied at school due to his small stature and vivid imagination, he grappled with a complex family dynamic. His parents’ divorce left lasting emotional scars. Yet, instead of succumbing to adversity, Musk found solace in books and exploration. At a young age, he self-taught himself programming and even created a video game. These challenging experiences forged his unwavering determination and kindled a strong desire to make a difference in the world.

Today, Musk is one of the wealthiest individuals in the world and the founder of influential technology companies like Tesla, SpaceX, Neuralink, and The Boring Company. His story serves as a powerful inspiration, demonstrating that with passion, perseverance, and a touch of audacity, we can achieve seemingly impossible feats.