Scientists agree that many people eat too much junk food and it is damaging their health. Some people think that this problem can be solved by educating people, while others believe that education will not work. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

Scientists agree that many people eat too much junk food and it is damaging their health. Some people think that this problem can be solved by educating people, while others believe that education will not work.
Discuss both views and give your opinion.

In contemporary society, the health of many people has been threatened because of fast food over-consumption. While it is believed that educating individuals can be a helpful solution, some people argue that this idea is totally meaningless. In my opinion, I agree that educating people can take part in solving the problem but it is not the most effective way.

On the one hand, educating people about the risk of eating too much fast food is truly indispensable. People need to know about the harmful effects of junk food on their health system, therefore, they can be aware of it and start changing to a healthier diet, which also has to be educated about. Furthermore, educating individuals is the most convenient way in the solving problem process. It does not require a huge amount of money from the government, yet it can be widely promoted in society. Other methods, for instance, forbidding people to buy fast food will have a significant impact on the economy of the country and may lead to potential damage to it.

On the other hand, educating the inhabitants only will not completely solve the problem. Some people do not fully understand the bad consequences until they actually experience them, so that educating will not make any change. In addition, a majority of people still choose to consume fast food, not because they like it or they do not know the harm, but because they are busy with work and have no time for cooking, so they have no other choice but to eat junk food. To solve this problem, the government should give more direct ways combined with the education method, say, higher taxes in fast food restaurants, not only to prevent it from growing but to decrease the demand of buying these foods from people since the price will become more expensive.

Overall, educating individuals about the risk of fast food is helpful and important, yet other methods should be included to entirely solve the problem.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

1. "In contemporary society" -> "In the contemporary society"
   Explanation: Adding "the" before "contemporary society" corrects the grammatical error and enhances the formal tone of the sentence.

2. "the health of many people has been threatened" -> "the health of many individuals has been compromised"
   Explanation: Replacing "threatened" with "compromised" provides a more precise and formal term that is commonly used in academic writing to describe the impact of unhealthy behaviors on health.

3. "totally meaningless" -> "completely ineffective"
   Explanation: "Totally meaningless" is overly emotional and informal for academic writing. "Completely ineffective" is more neutral and appropriate for an academic context.

4. "can take part in solving" -> "can contribute to addressing"
   Explanation: "Contribute to addressing" is a more precise and formal way to express involvement in solving a problem, aligning better with academic style.

5. "truly indispensable" -> "essentially crucial"
   Explanation: "Essentially crucial" is a more formal and precise term that enhances the academic tone of the statement.

6. "People need to know about the harmful effects" -> "Individuals must be aware of the detrimental effects"
   Explanation: "Individuals must be aware of" is more formal and precise than "people need to know about," and "detrimental" is a more academic term than "harmful."

7. "start changing to a healthier diet" -> "adopt a healthier diet"
   Explanation: "Adopt a healthier diet" is a more direct and formal expression, suitable for academic writing.

8. "the most convenient way in the solving problem process" -> "the most practical approach in addressing the problem"
   Explanation: "The most practical approach in addressing the problem" is more formal and precise, avoiding the awkward and informal construction of "the solving problem process."

9. "does not require a huge amount of money" -> "does not necessitate significant financial resources"
   Explanation: "Necessitate significant financial resources" is a more formal and precise way to express the lack of financial burden.

10. "forbidding people to buy fast food" -> "prohibiting the purchase of fast food"
    Explanation: "Prohibiting the purchase of fast food" is more formal and precise, avoiding the awkward construction of "forbidding people to buy."

11. "will have a significant impact on the economy of the country" -> "could significantly affect the national economy"
    Explanation: "Could significantly affect the national economy" is more formal and avoids the assumption of certainty implied by "will."

12. "may lead to potential damage" -> "could potentially cause damage"
    Explanation: "Could potentially cause damage" is more formal and avoids the redundancy of "may lead to potential."

13. "educating the inhabitants only will not completely solve the problem" -> "educating the population alone will not fully address the issue"
    Explanation: "Educating the population alone will not fully address the issue" is more formal and precise, replacing "inhabitants" with "population" for clarity and "completely solve" with "fully address."

14. "not because they like it or they do not know the harm" -> "not because they prefer it or are unaware of the harm"
    Explanation: "Not because they prefer it or are unaware of the harm" is more formal and avoids the informal construction of "they like it or they do not know."

15. "have no other choice but to eat junk food" -> "are compelled to consume fast food"
    Explanation: "Are compelled to consume fast food" is more formal and precise, avoiding the colloquial "have no other choice but to eat."

16. "give more direct ways combined with the education method" -> "implement more direct strategies in conjunction with educational initiatives"
    Explanation: "Implement more direct strategies in conjunction with educational initiatives" is more formal and precise, replacing "give more direct ways" with "implement more direct strategies."

17. "higher taxes in fast food restaurants" -> "increased taxation on fast food establishments"
    Explanation: "Increased taxation on fast food establishments" is more formal and precise, replacing "higher taxes in fast food restaurants."

18. "not only to prevent it from growing but to decrease the demand of buying these foods" -> "not only to curb its growth but also to reduce demand for these products"
    Explanation: "Not only to curb its growth but also to reduce demand for these products" is more formal and avoids the awkward construction of "decrease the demand of buying."

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Task Response: 6

• Answer All Parts of the Question:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay addresses both sides of the argument (educating people vs. other methods), discussing the effectiveness of education and suggesting additional measures like higher taxes on fast food.
  • How to improve: While both views are covered, the essay could provide more nuanced analysis of why some believe education alone is ineffective.

• Present a Clear Position Throughout:

  • Detailed explanation: The writer’s opinion that education is helpful but not entirely sufficient is clearly stated in the introduction and reaffirmed in the conclusion.
  • How to improve: Ensure that the stance is consistently woven throughout the body paragraphs, with clear topic sentences that reflect this viewpoint.

• Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas with examples (e.g., harmful effects of fast food, economic impact of banning fast food) but lacks depth in analyzing why education might not work for everyone.
  • How to improve: Include more detailed examples or studies that illustrate the limitations of educational campaigns in changing behavior.

• Stay on Topic:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay largely stays on topic, discussing solutions to the problem of excessive junk food consumption.
  • How to improve: Avoid generalizations about "some people" or "a majority of people" without supporting evidence; maintain a clear link to the prompt throughout.

In summary, while the essay effectively addresses both sides of the argument regarding the role of education versus other measures in combating junk food consumption, there are areas where deeper analysis and clearer connection to the prompt could strengthen its coherence and argumentative depth.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

• Organize Information Logically:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a clear organizational structure. It begins with an introduction that introduces the topic and states the writer’s opinion. The body paragraphs are well-structured, presenting arguments for both views (education as a solution vs. skepticism about its effectiveness) in separate paragraphs. Each viewpoint is supported with reasoning and examples, leading to a balanced conclusion that summarizes the writer’s stance.
  • How to improve: To further enhance logical organization, ensure that each paragraph focuses on a single main idea related to the prompt. This could involve refining topic sentences to clearly indicate the argument presented in each paragraph. Additionally, consider using transition words more consistently to guide the reader through the flow of ideas.

• Use Paragraphs:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively utilizes paragraphs to organize its content. Each paragraph contains a clear topic sentence that introduces the main point. For example, the second paragraph starts with "On the one hand," signaling a shift to discussing one viewpoint, while the following paragraph begins with "On the other hand," marking the transition to the opposing viewpoint. This approach helps in maintaining clarity and coherence.
  • How to improve: To further improve paragraph structure, ensure that each paragraph develops its main idea fully before moving on to the next. This may involve providing more detailed examples or analysis within each paragraph to strengthen arguments and ensure coherence throughout the essay.

• Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay employs cohesive devices effectively to connect ideas and maintain coherence. For instance, phrases like "while it is believed that," "on the one hand," and "on the other hand" are used to introduce contrasting viewpoints. Additionally, cohesive devices such as "furthermore," "in addition," and "overall" are used to transition between ideas and paragraphs, enhancing the overall coherence of the essay.
  • How to improve: To enhance the use of cohesive devices, consider incorporating a wider variety of linking words and phrases. This could include more sophisticated transitions like "conversely," "nevertheless," or "in contrast," which can add nuance to the relationships between ideas. Also, ensure that these devices are used consistently throughout the essay to maintain a smooth flow of information.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a strong grasp of coherence and cohesion, further refinement in paragraph development and the variety of cohesive devices used could elevate the essay to an even higher band score. By focusing on these areas, the writer can enhance the clarity and effectiveness of their arguments, making the essay more persuasive and cohesive.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

• Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, including terms like "contemporary society," "indispensable," "convenient," and "potential damage." These words help convey ideas effectively without being overly repetitive.
  • How to improve: To enhance the lexical range further, consider incorporating more sophisticated synonyms and expressions where possible. For instance, instead of "indispensable," using "crucial" or "essential" could add variety.

• Use Vocabulary Precisely:

  • Detailed explanation: There are instances of precise vocabulary use, such as "over-consumption," "harmful effects," and "significant impact." However, there are also moments where vocabulary could be more precise, such as "educating the inhabitants" which could be refined to "educating the populace" or "educational efforts."
  • How to improve: Aim for more specific and accurate word choices throughout. For example, instead of "convenient way," consider "cost-effective approach" or "efficient method." This will add clarity and depth to your arguments.

• Use Correct Spelling:

  • Detailed explanation: Spelling accuracy is generally sound throughout the essay. However, there are a few errors such as "say, higher taxes in fast food restaurants" where "say" could be replaced with "such as," and "fast food restaurants" should ideally be hyphenated as "fast-food restaurants."
  • How to improve: Review spelling rules for compound words and pay attention to transitional phrases to ensure correctness.

In conclusion, while the essay demonstrates a solid foundation in lexical resource, there is room for improvement in expanding vocabulary range, using more precise terms, and ensuring consistent spelling accuracy. These enhancements will contribute to a more nuanced and polished expression of ideas, thereby potentially raising the lexical resource score.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

• Use a Wide Range of Structures:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a fairly varied range of sentence structures. There is effective use of complex sentences (e.g., "Other methods, for instance, forbidding people to buy fast food will have a significant impact on the economy of the country and may lead to potential damage to it"), although some structures could be further diversified for greater fluency and coherence.
  • How to improve: To enhance variety, consider incorporating more compound-complex sentences and varying the placement of clauses within sentences. This can improve the flow and sophistication of your arguments.

• Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

  • Detailed explanation: Overall, the essay maintains a good level of grammatical accuracy with few errors. There are instances where subject-verb agreement (e.g., "educating individuals is the most convenient way in the solving problem process") and article usage (e.g., "the health system") could be improved.
  • How to improve: Focus on ensuring subject-verb agreement throughout the essay. For instance, in complex sentences, ensure that all parts of the sentence agree in number and person. Additionally, pay attention to the correct use of articles (‘the’, ‘a’, ‘an’) to avoid ambiguity and improve clarity.

In the provided essay, the writer effectively addresses the essay prompt, presenting both sides of the argument and offering a clear personal opinion. The use of examples and reasoning is generally strong, contributing to a well-structured and coherent argument. To further improve, continue practicing sentence structure variety and refine grammatical accuracy for even greater clarity and precision in conveying ideas.

Bài sửa mẫu

In contemporary society, the health of many individuals has been compromised due to excessive consumption of fast food. While some argue that educating people about this issue can play a role in addressing the problem, others believe this approach is not entirely effective. In my view, while educating people is crucial, it is not the most practical approach to solving the problem.

Educating individuals about the detrimental effects of consuming too much fast food is indeed essential. People need to understand how junk food can harm their health so they can make informed decisions and transition to healthier diets. Moreover, educational campaigns are cost-effective and can reach a wide audience in society. In contrast, strategies like prohibiting fast food purchases could significantly impact the national economy and potentially cause damage.

However, relying solely on education may not fully address the issue. Some individuals may not change their habits despite being aware of the health risks, often due to time constraints or other factors. Therefore, alongside educational initiatives, more direct strategies should be implemented. For example, increasing taxes on fast food establishments could not only curb their proliferation but also reduce demand by making these products more expensive.

In conclusion, while educating the population about the risks associated with fast food is important, it should be complemented with more direct measures to effectively tackle this pervasive issue.