Should the students be aware of keeping healthy although they are still very young?

Should the students be aware of keeping healthy although they are still very young?

It is important to stay healthy for everyone, especially the youth. Firstly, Stating healthy makes us have a positive behaviors. For example, the children in bad education , they usually are influenced by negative things such as: smoking, alcohol,.. that will establish their characters when they get older. Secondly, maintaining healthy helps us get away the stress. If we are in good mood, we will work more efficiently. Finally, having a balanced diet or maintaining regular exercise helps our body against health problems. In conclusion, teaching students about health and encouraging healthy habits from a young age is crucial. It not only supports their immediate well-being but also sets them on a path to a healthier and more fulfilling life.

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Errors and Improvements:

1. "Stating healthy" -> "Maintaining good health"
   Explanation: "Stating healthy" is an unnatural phrase. "Maintaining good health" is a more appropriate and formal expression, fitting the academic tone of the essay.

2. "positive behaviors" -> "positive behavior patterns"
   Explanation: "Positive behaviors" is grammatically correct but lacks precision and formality. "Positive behavior patterns" is a more specific and sophisticated term, enhancing the academic quality of the essay.

3. "the children in bad education" -> "children in disadvantaged educational environments"
   Explanation: "Children in bad education" is informal and imprecise. "Children in disadvantaged educational environments" is a more accurate and formal phrase, suitable for academic writing.

4. "they usually are influenced by negative things such as: smoking, alcohol,.." -> "they are often exposed to detrimental influences such as smoking and alcohol consumption,"
   Explanation: The phrase "negative things" is vague and lacks academic precision. Replacing it with "detrimental influences" provides a clearer and more formal description. Additionally, the use of a colon followed by a list is inappropriate in formal writing.

5. "get away the stress" -> "alleviate stress"
   Explanation: "Get away the stress" is colloquial and lacks the formality expected in academic writing. "Alleviate stress" is a more suitable and precise term, maintaining the professional tone of the essay.

6. "If we are in good mood" -> "When we are in a positive mood"
   Explanation: "If we are in good mood" contains a grammatical error and is too informal for academic writing. "When we are in a positive mood" is grammatically correct and aligns better with formal language conventions.

7. "helps us get away the stress" -> "helps us to cope with stress"
   Explanation: "Get away the stress" is awkward and not idiomatic. "Helps us to cope with stress" is a more natural and suitable phrase for academic writing.

8. "having a balanced diet or maintaining regular exercise" -> "adopting a balanced diet and engaging in regular exercise"
   Explanation: The original phrase lacks parallelism and clarity. "Adopting a balanced diet and engaging in regular exercise" offers a more concise and grammatically correct expression, enhancing the flow and professionalism of the sentence.

9. "against health problems" -> "against various health issues"
   Explanation: "Against health problems" is imprecise and lacks specificity. "Against various health issues" provides a clearer and more formal description, aligning better with academic writing standards.

10. "teaching students about health" -> "educating students on health-related topics"
    Explanation: "Teaching students about health" is overly simplistic. "Educating students on health-related topics" is more precise and formal, fitting the academic tone of the essay.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Task Response: 6 – UNDER WORD

• Answer All Parts of the Question:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay partially addresses all parts of the question. It acknowledges the importance of young people being aware of staying healthy and provides some reasons to support this view. However, it could be more comprehensive in its treatment of the topic. The essay touches on the importance of positive behavior, stress management, and physical health, but it lacks depth and specificity in discussing these aspects.
  • How to improve: To improve, the essay should thoroughly analyze why it is essential for young students to be aware of staying healthy. It should explore various dimensions such as physical health, mental well-being, academic performance, and long-term life outcomes. Additionally, providing specific examples and evidence would enhance the clarity and persuasiveness of the argument.

• Present a Clear Position Throughout:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear position throughout, asserting that teaching students about health and encouraging healthy habits from a young age is crucial. However, the clarity of the stance is somewhat undermined by the lack of depth and development in the supporting arguments. While the position is stated explicitly, the reasoning behind it could be strengthened.
  • How to improve: To maintain a clear and consistent position, the essay should ensure that each supporting point is well-developed and directly contributes to the overall argument. Providing specific examples, statistics, or expert opinions can bolster the credibility and persuasiveness of the position.

• Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas but lacks extension and support. It briefly mentions the importance of positive behaviors, stress management, and physical health but fails to elaborate on these points or provide sufficient evidence or examples to support them. As a result, the ideas remain underdeveloped and unsubstantiated.
  • How to improve: To improve, the essay should extend and support its ideas by providing detailed explanations, examples, and evidence. Each idea should be thoroughly explored to convince the reader of its validity and relevance to the topic. Incorporating relevant research findings or real-life anecdotes can enhance the depth and credibility of the arguments.

• Stay on Topic:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic but lacks focus and coherence in its discussion. While it addresses the importance of students being aware of staying healthy, the ideas presented feel disconnected and fragmented. The essay jumps from discussing the influence of negative behaviors to the benefits of maintaining a balanced diet or regular exercise without clear transitions.
  • How to improve: To maintain focus and coherence, the essay should organize its ideas more logically and develop smoother transitions between points. Each paragraph should build upon the previous one, creating a cohesive narrative that guides the reader through the argument. Additionally, staying closely aligned with the central theme of student health would prevent tangential discussions and ensure relevance throughout the essay.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

• Organize Information Logically:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay attempts to present a logical organization by introducing the importance of staying healthy for young people, providing reasons to support this idea, and concluding with a restatement of the importance of teaching students about health. However, the execution lacks clarity and coherence. The progression of ideas is somewhat abrupt, with abrupt transitions between points, causing the essay to feel disjointed. For instance, the transition between discussing the negative influences on children’s behavior and the benefits of maintaining a healthy lifestyle could be smoother to enhance the logical flow.
  • How to improve: To enhance the logical organization, ensure smoother transitions between ideas. Start each paragraph with a clear topic sentence that introduces the main idea, followed by supporting details and examples. Consider using cohesive devices such as transition words and phrases (e.g., "Furthermore," "Moreover," "In conclusion") to guide the reader through the essay’s structure more effectively.

• Use Paragraphs:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay is structured into three paragraphs, each attempting to address a different aspect of the importance of staying healthy for young people. However, the paragraphing lacks coherence and effectiveness. The first paragraph introduces the idea of staying healthy and its influence on behavior, the second discusses stress management, and the third addresses the benefits of a balanced diet and exercise. While these topics are relevant, the lack of clear transitions between paragraphs hinders the overall coherence of the essay.
  • How to improve: Improve paragraphing by ensuring each paragraph focuses on a single main idea and provides clear topic sentences to guide the reader. Additionally, use transitional phrases at the beginning or end of paragraphs to establish connections between ideas and improve the overall flow of the essay. Consider revising the structure to create a more seamless progression of ideas from one paragraph to the next.

• Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates limited use of cohesive devices to connect ideas and maintain coherence. While there are some attempts to use transitional phrases (e.g., "Firstly," "Secondly," "Finally," "In conclusion"), their effectiveness is hindered by the lack of clarity in the essay’s overall organization. Additionally, there is a need for more diverse cohesive devices beyond simple enumeration to establish stronger connections between sentences and paragraphs.
  • How to improve: Expand the range of cohesive devices used in the essay to include a variety of transitional words and phrases (e.g., "Furthermore," "Moreover," "However," "On the other hand"). Ensure that these cohesive devices are used effectively to guide the reader through the essay’s structure and facilitate a smoother transition between ideas. Practice integrating cohesive devices seamlessly into the essay to enhance coherence and cohesion.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 5

• Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, including terms like "positive behaviors," "influenced by negative things," "balanced diet," and "encouraging healthy habits." However, there is a lack of diversity in vocabulary usage, with some repetition and simplistic word choices.
  • How to improve: To enhance the lexical resource, the writer should aim for greater variety in vocabulary selection. This could involve incorporating synonyms or more specific terms related to health and well-being. For instance, instead of "positive behaviors," the writer could use expressions like "constructive habits" or "beneficial conduct" to add depth and sophistication to the text.

• Use Vocabulary Precisely:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates some imprecise vocabulary usage, which affects clarity and precision. For example, the phrase "Stating healthy" is unclear and may be a typographical error, intended to be "Staying healthy." Additionally, the expression "the children in bad education" lacks specificity and could be clarified to specify the context of "children in a disadvantaged educational environment."
  • How to improve: To improve precision in vocabulary usage, the writer should aim for clarity and specificity. This involves selecting words and phrases that accurately convey the intended meaning. For instance, instead of "bad education," the writer could specify the type of disadvantage, such as "underprivileged schools" or "low-resource educational settings," to provide a clearer picture for the reader.

• Use Correct Spelling:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors, such as "Stating" instead of "Staying," and the incomplete sentence "If we are in good mood." These errors detract from the overall coherence and professionalism of the essay.
  • How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, the writer should prioritize proofreading and editing. Utilizing spelling and grammar checking tools can help identify and correct errors before finalizing the essay. Additionally, practicing spelling through activities like word games or vocabulary exercises can improve proficiency over time.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6

• Use a Wide Range of Structures:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay predominantly employs simple sentence structures with limited variation. There is an absence of complex or compound-complex sentences, which could enhance the sophistication of the writing. For instance, the essay lacks subordinate clauses or phrases that could provide additional information or add complexity to the ideas presented.
  • How to improve: To improve the range of structures, the writer should incorporate a variety of sentence types, including compound, complex, and compound-complex sentences. This could involve using subordinate clauses to provide additional information or to vary the structure of the sentences. For example, instead of solely relying on simple sentences, the writer could introduce sentences with dependent clauses to add complexity and depth to their ideas.

• Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates some grammatical inaccuracies and punctuation errors throughout. For instance, there are issues with subject-verb agreement ("Stating healthy makes us have a positive behaviors") and punctuation errors (e.g., missing comma after introductory phrases). Additionally, there are instances of awkward phrasing and word choice that affect clarity and coherence.
  • How to improve: To enhance grammatical accuracy and punctuation skills, the writer should pay closer attention to subject-verb agreement and punctuation rules. Proofreading the essay carefully can help identify and correct errors. Additionally, the writer should focus on clarity and coherence by revising awkward phrasing and selecting more appropriate vocabulary. Consulting grammar resources or seeking feedback from peers or instructors can also aid in improving grammatical accuracy and punctuation skills.

Overall, while the essay effectively communicates the importance of teaching students about health, there is room for improvement in both grammatical range and accuracy. By incorporating a wider range of sentence structures and refining grammatical and punctuation skills, the writer can elevate the sophistication and clarity of their writing.

Bài sửa mẫu

It is crucial for everyone, particularly the youth, to maintain good health. Firstly, maintaining good health fosters positive behavior patterns. For instance, children in disadvantaged educational environments are often exposed to detrimental influences such as smoking and alcohol consumption, which can shape their characters as they grow older. Secondly, staying healthy helps alleviate stress. When we are in a positive mood, we are better equipped to cope with stress and work more efficiently. Finally, adopting a balanced diet and engaging in regular exercise fortifies our bodies against various health issues. In conclusion, educating students on health-related topics and encouraging them to adopt healthy habits from a young age is essential. This not only supports their immediate well-being but also sets them on a path to a healthier and more fulfilling life.