"Smoked foods are popular worldwide because of their special flavor and their long life. The diagram below shows the structure of a home smokey and how it is used."

The provided depiction illustrates the structure and the process by which a home smokey is utilized.

Generally, it is immediately noticeable that there are five stages in the process, commencing with the fresh air being the input and culminating with the utilization of smoke to grill food.

As can be seen, the activity of producing smoke takes place underground. The first step involves exposing the entrance by taking the lid off. Following this, the air expands along the tunnel before moving to the incinerate stage. At this phase, a bunch of logs is burnt in order to create smoke flavor, with the lid being closed to prevent smoke from escaping.

Moving to the next step, there witnesses a long pipes connected to the surface. Afterwards, the smokey air undergoes a transfer process through the tubes above the ground level where a box occurs. Subsequently, the pipes let off steam while the food hanged at the top absorbs the heat so that it can be cooked through.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"smokey" -> "smoke"
Explanation: "Smokey" is an adjective form that should be used to describe something related to smoke, whereas "smoke" is the noun form. Using "smoke" correctly aligns with the context of the diagram, which is describing a process involving smoke.
"utilized" -> "used"
Explanation: While "utilized" is not incorrect, "used" is more straightforward and commonly used in academic writing, making it more suitable for this context.
"Generally, it is immediately noticeable" -> "It is readily apparent"
Explanation: "It is readily apparent" is a more formal and precise way to express that something is easily observable, which is more suitable for academic writing.
"the utilization of smoke to grill food" -> "the use of smoke for grilling food"
Explanation: "For grilling food" is a more natural and precise phrase than "to grill food," which sounds unnatural in this context.
"the activity of producing smoke takes place underground" -> "the process of generating smoke occurs underground"
Explanation: "Generating" is more specific and academically appropriate than "producing," and "occurs" is a more formal verb choice than "takes place" in this context.
"exposing the entrance by taking the lid off" -> "removing the lid to expose the entrance"
Explanation: "Removing the lid to expose the entrance" is a clearer and more direct description, enhancing the formal tone of the text.
"a bunch of logs" -> "a quantity of logs"
Explanation: "A quantity of logs" is more formal and precise than "a bunch of logs," which is somewhat colloquial.
"to create smoke flavor" -> "to produce smoke flavor"
Explanation: "Produce" is a more precise verb in this context, indicating the intentional creation of smoke flavor, which is more appropriate for an academic description.
"there witnesses a long pipes connected to the surface" -> "there are long pipes connected to the surface"
Explanation: "There are" corrects the grammatical error and clarifies the presence of multiple pipes, making the sentence more readable and formal.
"the smokey air undergoes a transfer process" -> "the smoke air undergoes a transfer process"
Explanation: Correcting "smokey" to "smoke" addresses the earlier error, and "smoke air" is a more accurate term in this context, referring to the air containing smoke.
"a box occurs" -> "a chamber is present"
Explanation: "A chamber is present" is a more precise and formal way to describe the structure, replacing the vague and incorrect "a box occurs."
"the pipes let off steam" -> "the pipes release steam"
Explanation: "Release" is a more precise and formal verb than "let off," which is somewhat informal and less specific in this context.
"the food hanged at the top" -> "the food suspended at the top"
Explanation: "Suspended" is the correct term for describing food held in place, replacing the incorrect "hanged," which is typically used for execution or suspension in a literal sense.

These changes enhance the clarity, precision, and formality of the text, aligning it more closely with academic writing standards.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5

Explanation: The essay generally addresses the task, but the format is inappropriate in places. The essay does not provide a clear overview of the process, and the description is mechanical. The essay presents some key features, but it does not adequately cover them. For example, the essay mentions that the smoke is used to grill food, but it does not explain how this happens.

How to improve: The essay could be improved by providing a clearer overview of the process. The essay should also provide more detail about how the smoke is used to grill food. The essay could also be improved by using more appropriate language. For example, the essay uses the phrase "a bunch of logs" which is not very formal. The essay could also be improved by using more precise language. For example, the essay uses the phrase "the pipes let off steam" which is not very accurate. The pipes do not let off steam, they let off smoke.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay arranges information and ideas coherently, with a clear overall progression from the introduction to the description of the process. However, the use of cohesive devices is somewhat mechanical, and there are instances where the connections between sentences and ideas could be clearer. While the essay does present a central topic in each paragraph, the paragraphing could be improved for better logical flow. Overall, the essay meets the criteria for Band 6, as it demonstrates a basic level of coherence and cohesion but lacks the sophistication seen in higher bands.

How to improve:

Enhance Cohesive Devices: Use a wider range of cohesive devices to create smoother transitions between sentences and paragraphs. For example, instead of "Following this," consider using phrases like "Subsequently" or "As a result" to show a clearer relationship between ideas.
Clarify Referencing: Ensure that references (e.g., "the activity of producing smoke") are clear and precise to avoid confusion. This can help improve the logical flow of ideas.
Improve Paragraphing: Consider breaking the essay into more distinct paragraphs that each focus on a specific aspect of the process. This will help to enhance the overall structure and make it easier for the reader to follow the progression of ideas.
Avoid Repetition: Try to reduce repetitive phrases and vary the language used to describe similar actions or stages in the process. This will make the writing more engaging and coherent.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates an adequate range of vocabulary appropriate for the task. The use of terms like "incinerate," "tubes," and "smoky air" shows an attempt to incorporate less common vocabulary. However, there are inaccuracies in word choice and collocation, such as "the activity of producing smoke takes place underground" and "the food hanged at the top," which detracts from the overall clarity. Additionally, there are some errors in spelling and word formation, such as "smokey" instead of "smoker," which do not impede communication but indicate room for improvement.
How to improve: To enhance the lexical resource score, the writer should focus on using more precise vocabulary and ensuring correct collocations. Expanding the range of less common lexical items while maintaining accuracy is crucial. Additionally, proofreading for spelling and grammatical errors can help improve clarity and professionalism in the writing.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence forms, which is characteristic of a Band 6. While the writer attempts to use a variety of structures, there are several grammatical errors and awkward phrasings that occasionally hinder clarity. For instance, phrases like "the activity of producing smoke takes place underground" and "there witnesses a long pipes" contain grammatical inaccuracies that detract from the overall effectiveness of the communication. However, the errors do not significantly impede understanding, which aligns with the criteria for Band 6.
How to improve: To enhance the grammatical range and accuracy, the writer should focus on refining sentence structures and ensuring grammatical correctness. This can be achieved by practicing complex sentences and ensuring subject-verb agreement, such as changing "there witnesses a long pipes" to "there is a long pipe." Additionally, proofreading for minor errors and awkward constructions can help achieve a higher band score. Engaging with more varied sentence structures and reducing errors will also contribute to a stronger performance in this criterion.

Bài sửa mẫu

The provided depiction illustrates the structure and the process by which a home smokey is utilized.

Generally, it is immediately noticeable that there are five stages in the process, commencing with fresh air as the input and culminating with the utilization of smoke to grill food.

As can be seen, the activity of producing smoke takes place underground. The first step involves exposing the entrance by removing the lid. Following this, the air expands along the tunnel before moving to the incineration stage. At this phase, a bunch of logs is burnt in order to create smoke flavor, with the lid closed to prevent smoke from escaping.

Moving to the next step, there is a long pipe connected to the surface. Afterwards, the smoky air undergoes a transfer process through the tubes above ground level where a box is located. Subsequently, the pipes release steam while the food hanging at the top absorbs the heat so that it can be cooked through.

“Smoked foods are popular worldwide because of their special flavor and their long life. The diagram below shows the structure of a home smokey and how it is used.”