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Some children spend most of their free time, taking part in clubs and other planned activities. Do the advantages of this outweigh the disadvantages?

Some children spend most of their free time, taking part in clubs and other planned activities. Do the advantages of this outweigh the disadvantages?

Some children spend most of their leisure time, enjoying clubs or other planned activities. In this essay, I will look at the advantages and disadvantages of this problem and give my own opinion.

Firstly, some parents believe that their kids should have more free time in order to join in outdoor activities, such as sports clubs or life skills classes. Kids always spend most of the day studying at school and finishing their homework. Therefore, they need to be rested and charged energy by enjoying their activities as hobbies. Secondly, by being a team or a club, children have a lot of chances to make new friends who share the same interests and also help each other become well-developed people.

However, this does not have drawbacks only. If children do not know how to manage their plans logically, they will be stressed due to chasing from one activity to another. It’s like over-studying, so over-scheduling also can limit a kid’s creativity and autonomy because they can not show their interests. In addition, spending a lot of square time on clubs means the child lacks a chance to stay with family. Instead of running after too many after-school activities, children should spend time relaxing with parents, brothers, or siblings so as to connect well with each other and improve family relationships.

In conclusion, we should balance both sides of this. Children should have one or two after-school activities, while still having time with their family.


Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

  1. "Some children spend most of their leisure time, enjoying clubs or other planned activities." -> "Some children devote a significant portion of their leisure time to participating in clubs or other organized activities."
    Explanation: "Devote a significant portion of their leisure time" is more precise and formal than "spend most of their leisure time," and "participating in" is more specific than "enjoying," which can imply a more casual or recreational context.

  2. "In this essay, I will look at the advantages and disadvantages of this problem and give my own opinion." -> "This essay will examine the advantages and disadvantages of this issue and present my perspective."
    Explanation: "Examine" is more academically formal than "look at," and "present my perspective" is more appropriate in academic writing than "give my own opinion," which can sound too personal.

  3. "kids should have more free time" -> "children should have more unstructured time"
    Explanation: "Unstructured time" is a more precise and formal term than "free time," which can be vague and informal.

  4. "join in outdoor activities" -> "participate in outdoor activities"
    Explanation: "Participate" is more formal and precise than "join in," which can be colloquial.

  5. "Kids always spend most of the day studying at school and finishing their homework." -> "Children typically spend most of the day studying at school and completing their homework."
    Explanation: "Typically" is more precise than "always," which is too absolute and informal for academic writing. "Completing" is also more formal than "finishing."

  6. "rested and charged energy" -> "rested and replenished their energy"
    Explanation: "Replenished" is a more precise and formal term than "charged," which is typically used in a different context.

  7. "being a team or a club" -> "joining a team or club"
    Explanation: "Joining" is more specific and appropriate in this context than "being," which is vague and incorrect.

  8. "have a lot of chances" -> "have numerous opportunities"
    Explanation: "Numerous opportunities" is more formal and precise than "a lot of chances."

  9. "help each other become well-developed people" -> "assist each other in their personal development"
    Explanation: "Assist each other in their personal development" is more formal and specific than "help each other become well-developed people," which is somewhat vague and informal.

  10. "this does not have drawbacks only" -> "this is not without drawbacks"
    Explanation: "This is not without drawbacks" is a more formal and idiomatic expression than "this does not have drawbacks only," which is awkward and incorrect.

  11. "over-studying, so over-scheduling also can limit a kid’s creativity and autonomy" -> "over-studying, which can also limit a child’s creativity and autonomy"
    Explanation: "Which can also limit" is more grammatically correct and formal than "so over-scheduling also can," which is awkward and informal.

  12. "spending a lot of square time" -> "spending a significant amount of time"
    Explanation: "A significant amount of time" is the correct phrase, whereas "square time" is a typographical error and not a standard term.

  13. "running after too many after-school activities" -> "engaging in numerous after-school activities"
    Explanation: "Engaging in numerous after-school activities" is more formal and precise than "running after too many," which is colloquial and imprecise.

  14. "should spend time relaxing with parents, brothers, or siblings" -> "should allocate time to relax with family members"
    Explanation: "Allocate time to relax with family members" is more formal and inclusive than "spend time relaxing with parents, brothers, or siblings," which is informal and specific.

  15. "improve family relationships" -> "strengthen family bonds"
    Explanation: "Strengthen family bonds" is a more formal and precise term than "improve family relationships," which is somewhat vague.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Task Response: 5 – UNDER WORD

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay attempts to address both the advantages and disadvantages of children participating in clubs and planned activities. However, it lacks depth in exploring these aspects. For instance, while the essay mentions that children can make friends and develop skills through clubs, it does not provide specific examples or detailed explanations of these advantages. Similarly, the disadvantages are mentioned, but they are not fully developed, particularly in terms of how they impact children’s overall well-being or development.
    • How to improve: To enhance this aspect, the writer should ensure that both advantages and disadvantages are thoroughly explored with concrete examples. For instance, discussing specific skills gained from clubs (like teamwork or leadership) and contrasting them with detailed potential drawbacks (like burnout or lack of family time) would create a more balanced argument.
  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The position of the essay is somewhat clear in the conclusion, suggesting a balance between activities and family time. However, throughout the essay, the position is not consistently reinforced. The phrase "this does not have drawbacks only" is somewhat vague and could confuse readers about the writer’s stance.
    • How to improve: The writer should clearly state their position in the introduction and reiterate it in the conclusion. Using phrases like "In my opinion" or "I believe" can help clarify the writer’s stance. Additionally, each paragraph should link back to this central position to maintain coherence.
  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: The ideas presented in the essay are basic and lack sufficient development. For example, the mention of stress due to over-scheduling is a valid point, but it is not explored in depth. The essay does not provide any statistics, studies, or real-life examples to support its claims, which weakens the overall argument.
    • How to improve: To improve this area, the writer should aim to elaborate on each point made. For instance, they could include specific examples of activities that promote development or studies that show the impact of over-scheduling on children. This would not only strengthen the argument but also demonstrate critical thinking.
  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, discussing the pros and cons of children participating in clubs. However, the phrase "spending a lot of square time on clubs" is unclear and detracts from the focus. Additionally, the transition between discussing advantages and disadvantages could be smoother to maintain clarity.
    • How to improve: The writer should ensure that all terms used are clear and relevant. Avoiding vague phrases and ensuring smooth transitions between points will help maintain focus. Additionally, the writer should regularly refer back to the prompt to ensure that all points made are directly related to the advantages and disadvantages of the activities in question.

In summary, to improve the essay’s band score, the writer should focus on developing ideas more thoroughly, maintaining a clear and consistent position, and ensuring that all parts of the question are fully addressed with specific examples and clear language.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear structure, beginning with an introduction that outlines the topic and the writer’s intent. The body paragraphs are organized to discuss both advantages and disadvantages, which is appropriate for the prompt. However, the transition between points could be smoother. For example, the shift from discussing the benefits of clubs to the drawbacks feels abrupt, lacking a clear linking sentence that would help guide the reader through the argument.
    • How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider using transitional phrases such as "On the other hand" or "Conversely" to signal shifts between advantages and disadvantages. Additionally, ensure that each paragraph begins with a topic sentence that clearly states the main idea, followed by supporting details that are cohesively linked.
  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively uses paragraphs to separate different ideas, which aids readability. The first paragraph introduces the topic, the second discusses advantages, and the third addresses disadvantages. However, the paragraph discussing disadvantages could be more developed, as it introduces multiple points without fully elaborating on each.
    • How to improve: Strengthen paragraph structure by ensuring that each paragraph contains a clear main idea supported by detailed examples. For instance, in the disadvantages paragraph, consider breaking it into two distinct paragraphs: one focusing on stress and over-scheduling, and another on the impact on family relationships. This would allow for a more thorough exploration of each point.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "Firstly," "Secondly," and "However," which help in linking ideas. However, the range of cohesive devices is somewhat limited, and the use of pronouns and synonyms could be improved to avoid repetition. For example, the phrase "spending a lot of square time on clubs" is awkward and could be rephrased for clarity.
    • How to improve: Diversify the use of cohesive devices by incorporating a variety of linking words and phrases, such as "Moreover," "In contrast," and "For instance." Additionally, ensure that pronouns are used effectively to refer back to previously mentioned nouns, and consider varying vocabulary to avoid redundancy. For example, instead of repeatedly using "children," you might use "youngsters" or "youth" to maintain reader interest.

By addressing these areas, the essay can achieve a higher level of coherence and cohesion, ultimately leading to an improved band score.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, with terms such as "leisure time," "planned activities," and "well-developed people." However, the use of phrases like "this does not have drawbacks only" is awkward and could be expressed more clearly. The phrase "chasing from one activity to another" is somewhat informal and lacks the sophistication expected at a higher band score.
    • How to improve: To enhance vocabulary range, consider incorporating more varied synonyms and expressions. For example, instead of saying "enjoying clubs," you could use "participating in clubs" or "engaging in extracurricular activities." Additionally, phrases like "this has both advantages and disadvantages" would be clearer and more formal.
  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: Some vocabulary choices are imprecise or awkward. For instance, "charged energy by enjoying their activities as hobbies" is unclear; "charged energy" is not a standard expression in English. The term "square time" is also incorrect and likely intended to mean "quality time." These inaccuracies can confuse the reader and detract from the overall clarity of the argument.
    • How to improve: Focus on using vocabulary that accurately conveys your intended meaning. Instead of "charged energy," consider "rejuvenated" or "refreshed." Replace "square time" with "quality time" to enhance clarity. Regularly reviewing vocabulary in context can help ensure that words are used correctly.
  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay contains some spelling errors, such as "brothers" instead of "siblings," which may not be a spelling error but rather a word choice issue. Additionally, "over-scheduling" is hyphenated correctly, but "well-developed" should also be consistently hyphenated when used as an adjective. Overall, spelling is generally accurate, but attention to detail is needed.
    • How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, consider implementing a proofreading strategy. After writing, take a moment to review the essay for any spelling or typographical errors. Utilizing tools like spell checkers or writing apps can also help catch mistakes before submission. Additionally, practicing spelling through reading and writing exercises can reinforce correct spelling habits.

By addressing these areas, the essay can achieve a higher band score in Lexical Resource. Focus on expanding vocabulary, ensuring precise usage, and maintaining spelling accuracy to enhance overall clarity and effectiveness.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good variety of sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences. For example, the sentence "Kids always spend most of the day studying at school and finishing their homework" is a compound sentence that effectively conveys a complete thought. Additionally, the use of phrases like "by being a team or a club" introduces a complex structure. However, there are instances where sentence structures could be more varied, such as the repetitive use of "children" and "activities," which can make the writing feel monotonous.
    • How to improve: To enhance the variety of sentence structures, consider incorporating more complex sentences that use subordinate clauses. For example, instead of saying "If children do not know how to manage their plans logically," you could say, "If children do not learn to manage their plans logically, they may find themselves overwhelmed by the demands of multiple activities." Additionally, varying the subjects of sentences can help reduce repetition and maintain reader interest.
  • Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains a good level of grammatical accuracy, but there are notable errors that detract from clarity. For instance, the phrase "this does not have drawbacks only" is awkward and should be rephrased to "this has drawbacks as well." Additionally, the sentence "they need to be rested and charged energy by enjoying their activities as hobbies" contains grammatical issues; it would be clearer as "they need to rest and recharge by enjoying their activities as hobbies." Punctuation is mostly correct, but there are some missing commas that could enhance readability, such as before "so" in "so over-scheduling also can limit a kid’s creativity."
    • How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, focus on subject-verb agreement and the correct use of articles. For example, instead of "the child lacks a chance," consider "children lack the chance." Regularly reviewing grammar rules and practicing with exercises can also help solidify understanding. For punctuation, consider reading the essay aloud to identify natural pauses where commas might be needed, and ensure that conjunctions are correctly punctuated.

By addressing these areas, the essay can achieve a higher band score in Grammatical Range and Accuracy.

Bài sửa mẫu

Some children devote a significant portion of their leisure time to participating in clubs or other organized activities. This essay will examine the advantages and disadvantages of this issue and present my perspective.

Firstly, some parents believe that their children should have more unstructured time to engage in outdoor activities, such as sports clubs or life skills classes. Children typically spend most of the day studying at school and completing their homework. Therefore, they need to be rested and replenished in order to enjoy their hobbies. Secondly, by joining a team or club, children have numerous opportunities to make new friends who share similar interests and assist each other in their personal development.

However, this is not without drawbacks. If children do not know how to manage their schedules logically, they may experience stress from constantly moving from one activity to another. This situation resembles over-studying; over-scheduling can also limit a child’s creativity and autonomy, as they may not have the chance to explore their own interests. Additionally, spending a significant amount of time in clubs means that children miss out on valuable moments with their families. Instead of pursuing too many after-school activities, children should allocate time to relax with family members, which can strengthen family bonds.

In conclusion, we should strive for a balance between both sides of this issue. Children should participate in one or two after-school activities while still having ample time to spend with their families.

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