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Some children spend most of their free time taking part in planned activities. What are the advantages and disadvantages of this?

Some children spend most of their free time taking part in planned activities. What are the advantages and disadvantages of this?

Some children spend most of their free time joining planned activities. This has not only benefits but also drawbacks.
The most obvious advantage is that kids can be active in what they are going to do. In this way, children can be trained to be self-disciplined while playing games with friends or doing something else to enjoy their free time, which is the most important purpose of planning. Parents can also control their kids due to making sure that they are safe and joining a healthy entertainment environment.
Despite the fact that planning is good, it also brings some disadvantages to kids’ development. Planned activities result in planned situations, little by little they will cause children’s slow response. They find it difficult to solve accidental problems. Moreover, more simply, they will be bored with repetition if there are not any new activities in the plan.
In conclusion, planned activities are good but it is not the best way. Let kids feel free to do what they like in their free time.


Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

Errors and Improvements:

  1. "This has not only benefits but also drawbacks." -> "This has not only benefits but also drawbacks."
    Explanation: The original sentence is grammatically incorrect. Use "not only… but also" to maintain parallel structure. However, the entire sentence could be improved for clarity and formality.

  2. "The most obvious advantage is that kids can be active in what they are going to do." -> "The most evident advantage is that children can actively engage in planned activities."
    Explanation: Replacing "obvious" with "evident" and using "children" instead of "kids" enhances formality. Additionally, the phrase "actively engage in planned activities" provides a more precise description.

  3. "In this way, children can be trained to be self-disciplined while playing games with friends or doing something else to enjoy their free time, which is the most important purpose of planning." -> "This approach facilitates the cultivation of self-discipline in children as they engage in activities with friends or pursue other interests during their leisure time, aligning with the primary goal of planned activities."
    Explanation: Restructuring the sentence for clarity and formality, and replacing "doing something else to enjoy their free time" with a more detailed description.

  4. "Parents can also control their kids due to making sure that they are safe and joining a healthy entertainment environment." -> "Parents can exert control over their children by ensuring their safety and promoting a healthy entertainment environment."
    Explanation: Substituting "control their kids due to" with "exert control over their children by" for a more formal tone and using more precise language.

  5. "Despite the fact that planning is good, it also brings some disadvantages to kids’ development." -> "While planning offers benefits, it also presents certain drawbacks to children’s development."
    Explanation: Restructuring the sentence to align with formal academic tone and using "offers" instead of "brings some."

  6. "Planned activities result in planned situations, little by little they will cause children’s slow response." -> "Structured activities lead to predictable scenarios, gradually impeding children’s responsiveness."
    Explanation: Enhancing formality and clarity by using "structured activities" instead of "planned activities" and rephrasing for smoother expression.

  7. "They find it difficult to solve accidental problems." -> "They encounter challenges in solving unexpected problems."
    Explanation: Substituting "find it difficult" with "encounter challenges in" for a more formal expression.

  8. "Moreover, more simply, they will be bored with repetition if there are not any new activities in the plan." -> "Furthermore, in simpler terms, monotony may lead to boredom if the plan lacks variety in activities."
    Explanation: Enhancing formality and clarity, and using "monotony" instead of "repetition" for a more nuanced expression.

  9. "In conclusion, planned activities are good but it is not the best way." -> "In conclusion, while planned activities have their merits, they may not represent the optimal approach."
    Explanation: Enhancing the conclusion for a more nuanced and formal tone.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Task Response: 5 – UNDER WORD

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay addresses both the advantages and disadvantages of children participating in planned activities. It mentions benefits such as developing self-discipline and ensuring a safe and healthy environment. However, the discussion is somewhat brief, lacking in-depth analysis or specific examples to support the points made.
    • How to improve: To enhance this aspect, the writer should provide more detailed examples and elaborate on how planned activities contribute to self-discipline. Additionally, the essay could benefit from exploring further the idea of safety and a healthy environment, offering specific instances or scenarios.
  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear stance that planned activities have both advantages and disadvantages. However, the expression of this position lacks conviction, and the conclusion somewhat contradicts the earlier discussion by suggesting that planned activities are not the best way.
    • How to improve: To improve, the writer should strengthen their thesis statement and ensure that the conclusion aligns with the main points presented. A more assertive position on whether planned activities are overall beneficial or detrimental would contribute to clarity and consistency.
  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay briefly presents ideas about the advantages and disadvantages of planned activities but lacks development and support. There is a need for more detailed examples and explanations to enrich the content.
    • How to improve: To enhance this aspect, the writer should provide specific examples, anecdotes, or evidence to illustrate the advantages and disadvantages. This will add depth to the essay and make the arguments more convincing.
  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic by discussing the advantages and disadvantages of planned activities for children. However, there are moments where the ideas could be more connected, and the mention of "planned situations" could be clarified for better coherence.
    • How to improve: To improve, the writer should ensure a smoother transition between ideas and clarify terms such as "planned situations" to maintain a clear and focused discussion. Connecting each point more explicitly to the topic will enhance overall coherence.

In conclusion, while the essay addresses the key elements of the prompt, improvements in providing detailed examples, expressing a clear position, developing ideas, and maintaining coherence will contribute to a more robust and well-rounded response.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a reasonable level of logical organization. The introduction sets the stage by briefly presenting both advantages and disadvantages. However, the body paragraphs lack a clear progression. The second paragraph discusses advantages, while the third addresses disadvantages. A more cohesive flow would be achieved by grouping related ideas together.
    • How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider reorganizing the content. Group advantages and disadvantages separately, creating distinct body paragraphs for each. This restructuring will allow for a smoother and more coherent progression of ideas.
  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay utilizes paragraphs, but the structure could be more effective. Paragraphs lack topic sentences, making it challenging to discern the main point of each. Additionally, the second paragraph is lengthy and could be divided to enhance clarity and readability.
    • How to improve: Begin each paragraph with a clear topic sentence that outlines the main idea. Consider breaking the second paragraph into two smaller ones, each focusing on a specific aspect of the advantages. This will improve the overall organization and readability of the essay.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay incorporates some cohesive devices, such as "despite the fact that" and "moreover." However, there is room for improvement in using a wider range of cohesive devices to strengthen the connections between sentences and ideas. This will contribute to a more cohesive and fluent essay.
    • How to improve: Expand the use of cohesive devices by incorporating transitions like "however," "furthermore," or "on the other hand." These words can help establish clear relationships between contrasting ideas and enhance the overall coherence of the essay. Ensure their strategic placement to guide the reader through the essay smoothly.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary. There is an attempt to use varied words and expressions, but the range is somewhat limited. For instance, phrases like "the most important purpose of planning" and "joining a healthy entertainment environment" show an effort to use diverse vocabulary, but there is room for improvement in incorporating more sophisticated and contextually relevant words.
    • How to improve: To enhance the vocabulary range, consider incorporating more precise and nuanced terms. Instead of relying on common phrases, explore synonyms and idiomatic expressions that align with the context. For example, instead of "the most important purpose of planning," you might use "the primary objective of strategic scheduling."
  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay occasionally uses vocabulary with precision, but there are instances of imprecise language. For example, the phrase "kids can be active in what they are going to do" could be more precisely expressed, possibly as "children can actively engage in their chosen activities." Precision in language use contributes to a clearer and more impactful communication of ideas.
    • How to improve: Strive for specificity in your language. When expressing ideas, choose words that convey the intended meaning precisely. Consider the context and aim for clarity. In the example provided, refining the expression to specify the nature of the children’s activity will contribute to a more precise description.
  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains correct spelling, with a few exceptions. For instance, "joining planned activities" might be intended as "joining planned activities." While these errors are minor, they impact the overall impression of language proficiency.
    • How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, proofread your work carefully. Consider using spelling and grammar checking tools to catch minor errors. Additionally, pay close attention to details such as verb forms and article usage. Developing a habit of proofreading before finalizing your writing can significantly enhance spelling accuracy.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a moderate range of sentence structures. While there is an attempt at variety, there is a tendency to use simple structures, and a lack of complexity in some sentences. For instance, the sentence "This has not only benefits but also drawbacks" is structurally straightforward. However, there is an effort to include a compound-complex sentence later in the essay, "Planned activities result in planned situations, little by little they will cause children’s slow response," which adds variety.
    • How to improve: To enhance the range of structures, consider incorporating more complex sentence constructions. For instance, integrate compound sentences, use varied clauses, and experiment with different sentence lengths. Aim for a balance between simple and complex structures for a more sophisticated expression of ideas.
  • Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a generally accurate use of grammar and punctuation. However, there are notable instances of grammatical errors, such as "This has not only benefits but also drawbacks" where the word order should be adjusted to "This has not only benefits but also drawbacks." Punctuation is also inconsistent, with missing commas in certain places, affecting the clarity of the message.
    • How to improve: To enhance grammatical accuracy, pay careful attention to sentence structure and word order. Proofread the essay to identify and correct errors in punctuation, ensuring consistent and appropriate use. Consider seeking feedback from peers or using grammar-check tools to catch errors that may have been overlooked.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a satisfactory command of grammar and a fair attempt at sentence variety. Improvement in these areas, particularly through the incorporation of more complex sentence structures and attention to grammatical details, will contribute to a higher score in the Grammatical Range and Accuracy criterion.

Bài sửa mẫu

Some children devote a significant portion of their leisure time to participating in organized activities. This approach has both advantages and disadvantages.

The most apparent benefit is that children actively engage in prearranged activities. This method fosters the development of self-discipline in children as they participate in activities with friends or pursue other interests during their free time, aligning with the primary goal of planned activities. Parents can maintain control over their children by ensuring their safety and promoting a wholesome entertainment environment.

While planning offers advantages, it also presents certain drawbacks to children’s development. Structured activities create predictable scenarios, gradually impeding children’s responsiveness. They may encounter challenges in solving unexpected problems. Furthermore, in simpler terms, monotony may lead to boredom if the plan lacks variety in activities.

In conclusion, while planned activities have their merits, they may not represent the optimal approach. It is essential to strike a balance, allowing children the freedom to choose activities they enjoy in their free time while still reaping the benefits of structured engagement.

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