Some colleges encourage students to create businesses while they are still in school. Do the advantages of this outweigh the disadvantages?

Some colleges encourage students to create businesses while they are still in school.
Do the advantages of this outweigh the disadvantages?

In today’s digital world, it is a common belief that some universities encourage students to establish a business as soon as they are still sitting in school benches. However, there is a more persuasive argument that encouraging undergraduates to establish a firm negatively affects their academic performance at school. Personally, I believe that the disadvantages outweigh the advantages.

First, it is undoubtedly starting career early is crucial for student’s employment prospects in the future. Becoming an entrepreneur enables scholars to acquire many practical knowledge rather than only absorb knowledge at educational institutions. As a result, the knowledge that they gained from real-life experiences can be extremely helpful in pursuing their desired career paths effortlessly. Moreover, holding a job offers students significant opportunities to learn about business regulations as well as how to run enterprises optimally. For instance, one of the most successful role model who founded his own company during his college courses is the CEO of Facebook, Mark Zuckerberg.
Nevertheless, encouraging undergraduates to establish businesses can lead to a significant decline in grades among students in colleges. The main reason why this happened is some scholars are able to focus on only one goal, either studying or creating businesses. Thus, it is understandable that it is challenging for undergraduates to fullfil multiple plans. These encouragements to start businesses can be considered as a distraction that deter students from achieving good grades. In addition, particularly in some specific cases when business ventures of learners fail, they would immediately have a feeling of disappointment and afraid of failure for an extended period.

To conclude, while it is apparent that encouraging scholars to start their own businesses while they are still under education is beneficial for them to perceive many skills. However, it is undeniable that it can lead to numerous consequences.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"sitting in school benches" -> "sitting in school benches"
Explanation: The phrase "sitting in school benches" is grammatically incorrect and awkward. The correct phrase should be "sitting in school benches" or "sitting in school seats" to maintain grammatical accuracy and clarity.
"starting career early" -> "starting a career early"
Explanation: The phrase "starting career early" is grammatically incorrect. The correct phrase should be "starting a career early" to include the indefinite article "a" which is necessary for the noun "career."
"is crucial for student’s employment prospects" -> "is crucial for students’ employment prospects"
Explanation: The possessive form "student’s" should be plural "students’" to agree with the plural subject "students."
"practical knowledge rather than only absorb knowledge" -> "practical knowledge rather than simply absorbing knowledge"
Explanation: "Only absorb" is grammatically incorrect and awkward. "Simply absorbing" is more natural and correct in this context.
"can be extremely helpful in pursuing their desired career paths effortlessly" -> "can be extremely helpful in pursuing their desired career paths with ease"
Explanation: "Effortlessly" is too informal and vague for academic writing. "With ease" is more formal and precise.
"holding a job offers students significant opportunities" -> "holding a job provides students with significant opportunities"
Explanation: "Offers" is less formal than "provides," which is more suitable for academic writing.
"learn about business regulations as well as how to run enterprises optimally" -> "learn about business regulations and how to optimally run enterprises"
Explanation: The phrase "as well as how to run enterprises optimally" is awkward and verbose. Simplifying it to "and how to optimally run enterprises" improves readability and formality.
"one of the most successful role model" -> "one of the most successful role models"
Explanation: "Role model" should be plural "role models" to agree with the plural context of "successful."
"found his own company during his college courses" -> "founded his own company during his college years"
Explanation: "Courses" is too specific and incorrect in this context. "Years" is more appropriate and formal.
"can lead to a significant decline in grades among students in colleges" -> "can lead to a significant decline in academic performance among students"
Explanation: "Grades among students in colleges" is redundant and informal. "Academic performance among students" is more precise and formal.
"it is challenging for undergraduates to fullfil multiple plans" -> "it is challenging for undergraduates to fulfill multiple plans"
Explanation: "Fullfil" is a typographical error. The correct spelling is "fulfill."
"These encouragements to start businesses can be considered as a distraction" -> "These encouragements to start businesses can be considered distractions"
Explanation: "As a distraction" is grammatically incorrect. "Distractions" should be used directly without "as."
"afraid of failure for an extended period" -> "afraid of failure for an extended period of time"
Explanation: Adding "of time" clarifies the duration of the fear, enhancing the sentence’s precision.
"it is apparent that encouraging scholars to start their own businesses while they are still under education" -> "it is apparent that encouraging scholars to start their own businesses while they are still in education"
Explanation: "Under education" is incorrect. "In education" is the correct phrase.
"it can lead to numerous consequences" -> "it can lead to numerous consequences"
Explanation: This is a complete sentence and lacks a verb. Adding "can lead" corrects this grammatical error.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Task Response: 7

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay addresses the prompt by discussing both the advantages and disadvantages of encouraging students to start businesses while in school. It begins with a clear statement that the disadvantages outweigh the advantages, which is a strong approach. However, the advantages are not explored in depth, and the essay primarily focuses on the disadvantages. For instance, while the essay mentions the practical knowledge gained from entrepreneurship, it does not elaborate on how this knowledge can be beneficial in a broader context or provide specific examples of advantages.
- How to improve: To improve, the essay should provide a more balanced discussion by elaborating on the advantages in a dedicated paragraph. This could include specific examples of successful student entrepreneurs and how their experiences have positively impacted their academic and professional lives. Additionally, discussing the potential for skill development and networking opportunities could strengthen the argument.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position that the disadvantages outweigh the advantages. The writer consistently supports this stance throughout the essay, particularly in the second body paragraph, which focuses on the negative impacts on academic performance. However, the transition between discussing advantages and disadvantages could be smoother to reinforce the position more effectively.
- How to improve: To enhance clarity, the writer could use transitional phrases to clearly delineate the shift from discussing advantages to disadvantages. For example, phrases like "On the other hand" or "Conversely" can help guide the reader through the argument and reinforce the overall position.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents some ideas effectively, particularly in discussing the negative impact on academic performance. However, the support for the advantages is weak and lacks depth. The example of Mark Zuckerberg is relevant but could be expanded to illustrate how his entrepreneurial experience while studying contributed to his success. The discussion of disadvantages is more developed but could benefit from additional supporting details, such as statistics or studies that highlight the correlation between entrepreneurship and academic performance.
- How to improve: To strengthen the presentation and support of ideas, the writer should aim to provide more detailed examples and evidence for both sides of the argument. This could include citing studies that show the benefits of entrepreneurship for students or providing anecdotes of students who successfully balanced both academics and business ventures.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, discussing the implications of student entrepreneurship on academic performance. However, there are moments where the focus could be sharper. For instance, the phrase "some scholars are able to focus on only one goal" could be more precise, as it implies that some students can manage both, which detracts from the overall argument that the disadvantages outweigh the advantages.
- How to improve: To maintain a tighter focus on the topic, the writer should avoid ambiguous statements and ensure that every point made directly supports the thesis. Clarifying that the majority of students may struggle to balance both responsibilities would strengthen the argument and keep the discussion aligned with the prompt.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a good understanding of the task and presents a coherent argument. By addressing the suggestions for improvement, the writer can enhance the clarity, depth, and balance of their response, potentially achieving a higher band score.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear argument that the disadvantages of encouraging students to start businesses outweigh the advantages. The introduction effectively sets the stage for the discussion, and the body paragraphs are generally well-structured. The first paragraph outlines the advantages, while the second addresses the disadvantages. However, the transition between the advantages and disadvantages could be smoother. For instance, the phrase "Nevertheless" is used to introduce the counterargument, but a more explicit connection to the previous point would enhance the logical flow.
- How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider using transitional phrases that explicitly link ideas between paragraphs. For example, after discussing the advantages, a sentence summarizing the key points before introducing the disadvantages could provide a clearer transition. Additionally, using a more structured approach, such as clearly labeling the advantages and disadvantages in separate sections, can improve clarity.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively uses paragraphs to separate ideas, with a clear distinction between the advantages and disadvantages of starting a business while in school. Each paragraph contains a main idea, supported by examples. However, the first paragraph could benefit from clearer topic sentences that directly relate to the main argument. For example, the first sentence could explicitly state that the paragraph will discuss the advantages of entrepreneurship.
- How to improve: To improve paragraphing, ensure that each paragraph begins with a strong topic sentence that encapsulates the main idea. This will help guide the reader through the argument more effectively. Additionally, consider using a concluding sentence in each paragraph to summarize the key points discussed, reinforcing the argument and enhancing coherence.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "however," "moreover," and "for instance," which help to connect ideas. However, the range of cohesive devices is somewhat limited, and there are instances where the connections between sentences could be strengthened. For example, the phrase "the main reason why this happened is" could be replaced with a more varied expression to avoid repetition.
- How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, consider incorporating a wider range of linking words and phrases, such as "in addition," "furthermore," "conversely," and "on the other hand." This will help to create a more nuanced and sophisticated argument. Additionally, ensure that cohesive devices are used appropriately to enhance clarity rather than disrupt the flow of ideas.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a good understanding of the topic and presents a coherent argument, addressing the points above can help elevate the score in Coherence and Cohesion.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, with terms such as "entrepreneur," "academic performance," and "business regulations." However, there are instances where the vocabulary choices are somewhat limited or repetitive. For example, the phrase "establish a business" is used multiple times, which could be varied with synonyms like "launch a startup" or "create a company." Additionally, phrases like "significant opportunities" could be enhanced by using more varied expressions such as "valuable experiences" or "meaningful insights."
- How to improve: To enhance vocabulary range, the writer should practice using synonyms and related terms to avoid repetition. Reading a variety of texts and noting diverse vocabulary can also help. Additionally, incorporating idiomatic expressions or collocations related to business and education could enrich the essay.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: While the essay contains some precise vocabulary, there are moments of imprecision that affect clarity. For instance, the phrase "the knowledge that they gained from real-life experiences" could be more succinctly expressed as "practical knowledge gained from experience." Furthermore, the term "firm" is used in a somewhat vague context; it would be clearer to specify "business" to avoid confusion. The phrase "students to create businesses while they are still in school" could be more accurately stated as "students to start businesses while still in their studies."
- How to improve: To improve precision, the writer should focus on clarity and conciseness. This can be achieved by revising sentences to eliminate unnecessary words and ensuring that terms are used in their most appropriate contexts. Engaging in exercises that emphasize precise language use, such as paraphrasing, can also be beneficial.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors, such as "fullfil" (should be "fulfill") and "undergraduates" (which is correctly spelled but used inconsistently). Additionally, "scholars" is used interchangeably with "students," which could lead to confusion. The spelling of "persuasive" is correct, but the phrase "sitting in school benches" is awkward and could be rephrased for clarity.
- How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, the writer should proofread the essay carefully, perhaps reading it aloud to catch errors. Utilizing spell-check tools and practicing spelling through writing exercises can also help. Keeping a personal list of commonly misspelled words and reviewing them regularly would be beneficial.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a fair command of vocabulary, there are opportunities for improvement in range, precision, and spelling. By expanding vocabulary, focusing on clarity, and enhancing spelling practices, the writer can aim for a higher band score in the Lexical Resource criterion.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good variety of sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences. For example, the use of complex sentences such as "As a result, the knowledge that they gained from real-life experiences can be extremely helpful in pursuing their desired career paths effortlessly" showcases the writer’s ability to convey detailed ideas. However, there are instances of repetitive structures, particularly in the way arguments are introduced (e.g., "First," "Nevertheless," "To conclude"). This can detract from the overall fluency and engagement of the writing.
- How to improve: To enhance the variety of sentence structures, the writer could incorporate more introductory phrases or clauses, such as "In addition to this," or "On the other hand," to introduce contrasting ideas. Additionally, varying the length and complexity of sentences can help maintain reader interest and improve the overall flow of the essay.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical errors and punctuation issues that affect clarity. For example, the phrase "it is undoubtedly starting career early is crucial for student’s employment prospects" is awkwardly constructed and lacks proper grammatical structure. The use of "student’s" should be pluralized to "students’" to indicate possession correctly. Furthermore, punctuation errors, such as missing commas in complex sentences, can lead to confusion. For instance, "Thus, it is understandable that it is challenging for undergraduates to fullfil multiple plans" could benefit from a comma before "that" for clarity.
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should focus on sentence construction and ensure that subjects and verbs agree in number and tense. Regular practice with grammar exercises, particularly those focused on sentence structure and punctuation, can be beneficial. Additionally, proofreading the essay for common errors, such as subject-verb agreement and punctuation placement, can help catch mistakes before submission.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents coherent arguments, focusing on diversifying sentence structures and enhancing grammatical accuracy will help the writer achieve a higher band score in the future.

Bài sửa mẫu

In today’s digital world, it is a common belief that some universities encourage students to establish a business while they are still sitting in school benches. However, there is a more persuasive argument that encouraging undergraduates to establish a firm negatively affects their academic performance at school. Personally, I believe that the disadvantages outweigh the advantages.

First, it is undoubtedly true that starting a career early is crucial for students’ employment prospects in the future. Becoming an entrepreneur enables scholars to acquire many practical knowledge rather than simply absorbing knowledge at educational institutions. As a result, the knowledge that they gain from real-life experiences can be extremely helpful in pursuing their desired career paths with ease. Moreover, holding a job provides students with significant opportunities to learn about business regulations as well as how to optimally run enterprises. For instance, one of the most successful role models who founded his own company during his college years is the CEO of Facebook, Mark Zuckerberg.

Nevertheless, encouraging undergraduates to establish businesses can lead to a significant decline in academic performance among students in colleges. The main reason why this happens is that some scholars are able to focus on only one goal, either studying or creating businesses. Thus, it is understandable that it is challenging for undergraduates to fulfill multiple plans. These encouragements to start businesses can be considered distractions that deter students from achieving good grades. In addition, particularly in some specific cases when the business ventures of learners fail, they would immediately feel disappointment and be afraid of failure for an extended period.

To conclude, while it is apparent that encouraging scholars to start their own businesses while they are still in education is beneficial for them to acquire many skills, it is undeniable that it can lead to numerous consequences.