Some countries achieve international sports by building specialized facilities to train top athletes, instead of providing sports facilities that everyone can use. Do you think this is positive or negative development?
Some countries achieve international sports by building specialized facilities to train top athletes, instead of providing sports facilities that everyone can use. Do you think this is positive or negative development?
In recent times, it believes that the government should invest in building specialized facilities for alite athletes, so that they can achieve medals in international sports, instead of providing sports building for inhabitants can use. Although this can bring various benefits, I strongly argue that there are far more drawbacks.
First and foremost, when countries tend to support professional sport players by providing them a number of training objects and special buildings for training, they are likely to have more chances to achieve high medals in international contests, which is also an effective way to support country images to international friends and also enhance the national branding in sports. Besides, when the athletes defeat any rivals in sports, it could give citizen the feeling of proud and patriotism, supporting the young generations to follow and play sports regularly.
Despite the negative mentioned above, investing building only for professional players instead of providing sports facilities for community could bring a wide range of adverse effects. It is importance to remember that citizen health could be one of the crucial things that government may be take into consider first. Because of inhabitants are the factor to develop country so if lack of public center sports they may face with a lot of health problems like obesity, stroke, heart attack, leading to the decline of the country’s development. Besides, all national budgets are only concentrated on facilities for athletes, they may be ignored in various fundamental fields like education and health facilities, this would lead to the strong opposition from the public.
In conclusion, concentrating on building facilities for elite athletes to achieve international medals in sports, although, may have a range of beneficial, I strongly believe that this trend could have detrimental effects than positive development.
Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng
Errors and Improvements:
-
"In recent times, it believes" -> "Recently, there is a belief"
Explanation: "In recent times" is overly informal for academic writing. Also, "it believes" lacks clarity regarding who holds the belief, so rephrasing to "Recently, there is a belief" maintains formality and clarity. -
"building specialized facilities for alite athletes" -> "constructing specialized facilities for elite athletes"
Explanation: "building" is a generic term, while "constructing" is more formal and precise. Additionally, "alite" is likely a misspelling; "elite" is the correct term. -
"instead of providing sports building for inhabitants can use" -> "rather than constructing sports facilities for public use"
Explanation: "building" should be "buildings," and "inhabitants can use" is awkward and lacks specificity. Replacing with "public use" clarifies the intended audience and maintains formality. -
"Although this can bring various benefits" -> "While this may offer several advantages"
Explanation: "can bring various benefits" is vague and informal. "May offer several advantages" is more precise and fits academic style. -
"First and foremost, when countries tend to support professional sport players by providing them a number of training objects and special buildings for training" -> "Primarily, when nations prioritize the support of professional athletes by furnishing them with extensive training facilities and specialized infrastructure"
Explanation: "tend to support" is weak and informal. "Providing them a number of training objects" is awkward; "furnishing them with extensive training facilities" is clearer and more formal. Additionally, "special buildings for training" can be improved to "specialized infrastructure" for better specificity. -
"Besides, when the athletes defeat any rivals in sports, it could give citizen the feeling of proud and patriotism" -> "Moreover, when athletes triumph over rivals in sports, it fosters a sense of pride and patriotism among citizens"
Explanation: "Besides" is too casual; "Moreover" is more suitable for academic writing. "Defeat any rivals in sports" can be simplified to "triumph over rivals in sports." "It could give citizen the feeling of proud and patriotism" lacks clarity and precision; "it fosters a sense of pride and patriotism among citizens" is more direct. -
"Despite the negative mentioned above" -> "Despite the aforementioned drawbacks"
Explanation: "the negative mentioned above" is awkward and imprecise. "The aforementioned drawbacks" is more formal and concise. -
"It is importance to remember" -> "It is important to remember"
Explanation: "importance" should be "important" for grammatical correctness. -
"citizen health could be one of the crucial things" -> "public health is a crucial consideration"
Explanation: "citizen health" should be "public health" for clarity and formality. Also, "one of the crucial things" can be refined to "a crucial consideration." -
"government may be take into consider first" -> "government should prioritize"
Explanation: "may be take into consider first" is grammatically incorrect and informal. "Government should prioritize" is more concise and direct. -
"Because of inhabitants are the factor to develop country" -> "As inhabitants play a key role in a country’s development"
Explanation: "Because of inhabitants are the factor to develop country" is awkward and lacks clarity. "As inhabitants play a key role in a country’s development" is clearer and more formal. -
"if lack of public center sports they may face with a lot of health problems" -> "the absence of public sports facilities may lead to various health issues"
Explanation: "if lack of public center sports" is grammatically incorrect and unclear. "the absence of public sports facilities" is more precise. Also, "they may face with a lot of health problems" is awkward and can be simplified to "may lead to various health issues." -
"all national budgets are only concentrated on facilities for athletes" -> "if all national budgets are solely focused on facilities for athletes"
Explanation: "all national budgets are only concentrated" is wordy and informal. "if all national budgets are solely focused" is more concise. -
"this would lead to the strong opposition from the public" -> "this could lead to significant public opposition"
Explanation: "strong opposition from the public" is vague. "significant public opposition" is clearer and more formal.
Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Task Response: 6
-
Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay adequately addresses both sides of the prompt. It discusses the benefits of investing in specialized facilities for elite athletes, such as improved chances of winning international medals and enhancing national branding. Additionally, it highlights the drawbacks of this approach, emphasizing the potential negative impact on public health and the neglect of other essential sectors like education and healthcare.
- How to improve: To further enhance the response, ensure that each point is developed with more depth and clarity. Provide specific examples or evidence to support the arguments and thoroughly explore the implications of both options.
-
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position against the trend of investing solely in specialized facilities for elite athletes. This stance is evident from the beginning and is consistently supported throughout the essay.
- How to improve: To strengthen the clarity of the position, consider explicitly stating the stance in the introduction and reinforcing it in each body paragraph. Additionally, provide stronger transitions between ideas to enhance coherence.
-
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas adequately but lacks in-depth development and support. For instance, while it mentions the benefits and drawbacks of investing in specialized facilities, it could elaborate further on each point and provide concrete examples or evidence to bolster the arguments.
- How to improve: To improve the presentation and support of ideas, delve deeper into each argument by providing specific examples, statistics, or case studies. Additionally, ensure that each idea is logically connected and thoroughly explained to enhance coherence and persuasiveness.
-
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay largely stays on topic by discussing the pros and cons of investing in specialized facilities for elite athletes as opposed to providing sports facilities for the general public. However, there are instances where the focus could be sharper, such as ensuring that all points directly relate to the central argument.
- How to improve: To maintain a sharper focus on the topic, carefully evaluate each paragraph to ensure that all information directly contributes to the argument presented. Avoid tangential discussions or unrelated examples that may distract from the main points.
Overall, while the essay effectively addresses the prompt and presents a clear stance, there is room for improvement in the depth of analysis, coherence, and focus. By providing more detailed explanations, strengthening the presentation of ideas, and maintaining a sharper focus on the topic, the essay could achieve a higher band score for Task Response.
Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6
-
Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay attempts to present a logical argument by discussing both the advantages and disadvantages of investing in specialized sports facilities for elite athletes rather than providing facilities for the general public. However, the organization lacks clarity and coherence. The introduction sets up the argument but lacks clarity due to grammatical errors and awkward phrasing. The body paragraphs attempt to present arguments for both sides, but the transition between them is abrupt, making the flow disjointed. Additionally, the conclusion fails to effectively summarize the main points and reinforce the argument presented.
- How to improve: To enhance logical organization, start by revising the introduction to clearly state the stance and outline the main points to be discussed. Ensure smooth transitions between paragraphs to improve coherence. Consider using cohesive devices such as transitional phrases to connect ideas and guide the reader through the essay more effectively. Finally, strengthen the conclusion by summarizing the key arguments and providing a concise restatement of the thesis.
-
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay attempts to use paragraphs to structure the argument, but there are issues with coherence and unity within paragraphs. Each paragraph should focus on a specific aspect of the argument, but some paragraphs contain multiple ideas without clear delineation. Additionally, there are instances of repetition, particularly in the second paragraph where similar ideas are expressed in different ways.
- How to improve: Focus on improving paragraph structure by ensuring each paragraph has a clear topic sentence that introduces the main idea, followed by supporting details and examples. Avoid mixing multiple ideas within a single paragraph to maintain coherence. Furthermore, revise the essay to eliminate repetition and redundant expressions, ensuring that each sentence contributes uniquely to the development of the argument.
-
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay attempts to use cohesive devices to connect ideas and create coherence, but their effectiveness is limited due to errors and inconsistencies. While some cohesive devices such as transitional phrases are used sporadically, they are not utilized consistently throughout the essay. Additionally, there are grammatical errors and awkward phrasing that disrupt the flow of ideas.
- How to improve: Strengthen the use of cohesive devices by incorporating a wider variety of transitional phrases and linking words to create smoother transitions between sentences and paragraphs. Pay attention to grammatical accuracy and sentence structure to ensure clarity and coherence. Consider using parallel structure and pronouns to refer back to previously mentioned concepts for improved cohesion and readability. Additionally, revise the essay to eliminate errors and awkward phrasing that detract from the overall coherence.
Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6
-
Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary with some varied expressions and terms used throughout. However, there is repetition and a lack of nuanced vocabulary that could enhance the depth of the argument and analysis. For instance, phrases like "specialized facilities," "athletes defeat any rivals," and "the country’s development" are used repeatedly without much variation.
- How to improve: To improve vocabulary range, consider using synonyms and more precise terms to convey ideas. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "specialized facilities," employ alternatives like "dedicated training centers" or "advanced sports complexes." Explore synonyms for common words to add variety and depth to the language.
-
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The vocabulary usage is generally understandable, but precision could be improved. There are instances where word choice lacks specificity or accuracy. For example, "elite athletes" could be specified further to include terms like "professional athletes" or "top-tier competitors" to enhance clarity and precision.
- How to improve: Aim for more specific and accurate vocabulary choices. Avoid general terms like "citizen health" and opt for precise terms like "public health" or "population well-being." Use adjectives and adverbs to qualify statements more effectively, enhancing the precision of your vocabulary.
-
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: Spelling errors are noticeable in the essay, which affects readability and overall presentation. Examples include "alite" (elite), "inhabitants" (inhabitants), "fundamental" (fundamental), "importance" (importance), and other instances of incorrect word forms or misspellings.
- How to improve: Improve spelling accuracy by proofreading carefully and utilizing spell-check tools. Practice writing with a focus on spelling, and pay attention to common spelling errors. Reviewing and correcting spelling mistakes will significantly enhance the quality of your writing.
In summary, while the essay demonstrates an adequate range of vocabulary, there is room for improvement in terms of variety, precision, and spelling accuracy. Enhancing vocabulary diversity through synonyms and nuanced terms, striving for more precise vocabulary choices, and focusing on improving spelling will elevate the overall quality and clarity of your writing.
Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5
Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 5
-
Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate variety of sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences. However, there is room for improvement in diversifying the range of structures further to enhance the coherence and sophistication of the writing. For instance, while there are examples of complex sentences, they are relatively few compared to simple sentences. Moreover, the essay could benefit from the incorporation of rhetorical devices such as parallelism, rhetorical questions, or conditional sentences to add depth and nuance to the arguments presented.
- How to improve: To improve the grammatical range and enhance the effectiveness of the essay, consider incorporating a wider variety of sentence structures. This can be achieved by consciously varying sentence lengths and structures throughout the essay. Additionally, explore the use of rhetorical devices to add stylistic flair and complexity to the writing. For instance, integrating parallelism in argument construction can enhance clarity and emphasis, while employing conditional sentences can introduce hypothetical scenarios to strengthen the reasoning.
-
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay displays a generally accurate use of grammar and punctuation, but there are instances of grammatical errors and punctuation inaccuracies throughout the text. For example, there are issues with subject-verb agreement ("it believes" should be "it is believed"), article usage ("the government should invest" instead of "it believes that the government should invest"), and sentence structure ("when countries tend to support" lacks clarity). Furthermore, there are punctuation errors such as missing commas before introductory phrases and run-on sentences that could be corrected for better clarity and coherence.
- How to improve: To enhance grammatical accuracy and punctuation skills, thorough proofreading and editing are essential. Pay close attention to subject-verb agreement, article usage, and sentence structure to ensure clarity and coherence. Additionally, review punctuation rules, particularly regarding comma usage for introductory phrases and clauses, as well as for separating independent clauses in compound sentences. Practicing sentence construction and revising sentences for conciseness and clarity can also help improve overall grammatical accuracy.
Bài sửa mẫu
In recent times, there is a belief that governments should invest in constructing specialized facilities for elite athletes to help them secure medals in international sports, rather than constructing sports facilities for public use. While this may offer several advantages, I strongly argue that there are far more drawbacks.
Primarily, when nations prioritize the support of professional athletes by furnishing them with extensive training facilities and specialized infrastructure, they are likely to have more opportunities to achieve high medals in international contests. This, in turn, is an effective way to enhance the country’s image internationally and bolster national branding in sports. Moreover, when athletes triumph over rivals in sports, it fosters a sense of pride and patriotism among citizens, encouraging younger generations to engage in sports regularly.
Despite the aforementioned benefits, focusing solely on building facilities for professional players instead of providing sports facilities for the community could lead to a wide range of adverse effects. It is important to remember that public health is a crucial consideration. As inhabitants play a key role in a country’s development, the absence of public sports facilities may lead to various health issues. For instance, citizens may face problems like obesity, stroke, and heart attacks, ultimately hindering the country’s progress. Furthermore, if all national budgets are solely focused on facilities for athletes, other essential areas such as education and healthcare may be overlooked, leading to significant public opposition.
In conclusion, while concentrating on building facilities for elite athletes to achieve international medals in sports may have some benefits, I strongly believe that this trend could have more detrimental effects than positive developments.
Phản hồi