Some education systems makes students focus on certain subjects at the age of 15, while others require students to study a wide range of subjects until they leave school. What are the benefits of each system? Which is better?
Some education systems makes students focus on certain subjects at the age of 15, while others require students to study a wide range of subjects until they leave school. What are the benefits of each system? Which is better?
Education systems vary worldwide; some direct students to focus on specific subjects by the age of 15, while others promote a broader learning experience until graduation. Although both systems have benefits, I believe that exposing students to a variety of subjects is more beneficial.
On the one hand, students can cover a lot of ground in certain academic areas if they focus on them by the time they are fifteen years old. For instance, if students only study science and mathematics, they can fully dedicate their time to these areas, covering extensive information and gaining a deep understanding. This approach can better prepare them for jobs in related fields after school, as they can readily apply what they’ve learned.
On the other hand, I believe it is better for students to learn a broad range of subjects throughout school. Firstly, a comprehensive education equips students for life by encouraging them to explore various subjects such as philosophy, literature, and history, which can spark interest in multiple fields. Secondly, studying diverse subjects helps them develop critical thinking, creativity, and imagination. Activities like painting, playing an instrument, or joining a choir can nurture students’ ability to express themselves.
In conclusion, while focusing on a few subjects might prepare students for certain careers, a broader curriculum better prepares them for life by fostering a more well-rounded skill set.
Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng
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"direct students to focus" -> "direct students to specialize"
Explanation: The term "specialize" is more precise and academically appropriate than "focus," which can imply a narrower scope than intended in this context. -
"by the age of 15" -> "by the age of 15 years"
Explanation: Adding "years" clarifies the unit of measurement, enhancing the formality and precision of the statement. -
"cover a lot of ground" -> "cover a wide range of material"
Explanation: "Cover a wide range of material" is more formal and specific than the colloquial "cover a lot of ground," which is better suited for casual conversations. -
"can fully dedicate their time" -> "can fully allocate their time"
Explanation: "Allocate" is a more formal term than "dedicate," which is often used in a more emotional or personal context. -
"covering extensive information" -> "covering a comprehensive range of information"
Explanation: "A comprehensive range of information" is more precise and formal than "extensive information," which is vague and less specific. -
"better prepare them for jobs" -> "better equip them for careers"
Explanation: "Equip" is a more formal verb than "prepare," and "careers" is a more precise term than "jobs" in an academic context. -
"what they’ve learned" -> "the knowledge they have acquired"
Explanation: "The knowledge they have acquired" is more formal and precise than "what they’ve learned," which is somewhat informal and vague. -
"better for students to learn" -> "more beneficial for students to study"
Explanation: "More beneficial" and "study" are more formal and specific than "better" and "learn," respectively, enhancing the academic tone. -
"encouraging them to explore" -> "encouraging them to investigate"
Explanation: "Investigate" is a more formal and academically appropriate term than "explore," which can be too casual for academic writing. -
"can spark interest" -> "can stimulate interest"
Explanation: "Stimulate" is a more precise and formal term than "spark," which is somewhat colloquial. -
"develop critical thinking, creativity, and imagination" -> "cultivate critical thinking, creativity, and imagination"
Explanation: "Cultivate" is a more formal verb than "develop," which is commonly used in both formal and informal contexts. -
"Activities like painting, playing an instrument, or joining a choir" -> "Activities such as painting, playing a musical instrument, or participating in a choir"
Explanation: "Such as" is more formal than "like," and "participating in" is more precise than "joining," which can be too casual for academic writing. -
"nurture students’ ability to express themselves" -> "foster students’ ability to express themselves"
Explanation: "Foster" is a more formal and academic term than "nurture," which is often used in less formal contexts.
These changes enhance the formality, precision, and clarity of the essay, aligning it more closely with academic writing standards.
Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 5
Band Score for Task Response: 5 – UNDER WORD
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Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay addresses the prompt by discussing both educational systems: one that focuses on specific subjects and another that promotes a broader curriculum. However, it does not fully explore the benefits of each system in depth. For instance, while it mentions the advantages of focusing on certain subjects, it does not provide sufficient detail or examples to illustrate these benefits. Additionally, the essay lacks a clear comparison of which system is better, as it primarily advocates for the broader curriculum without sufficiently weighing the merits of both approaches.
- How to improve: To enhance the response, the writer should explicitly outline the benefits of each educational system with more detailed examples. For instance, discussing how a focused curriculum can lead to specialization and expertise in a field, alongside the benefits of a broad education, would provide a more balanced view. Furthermore, the conclusion should explicitly state which system is better, supported by a summary of the arguments made.
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Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear position favoring a broader curriculum, particularly in the second half. However, the initial section could confuse readers, as it briefly acknowledges the benefits of focusing on specific subjects without clearly stating that this is not the preferred approach. This inconsistency may lead to ambiguity about the writer’s stance.
- How to improve: To maintain a clear position, the writer should clearly indicate their preference in the introduction and consistently reinforce this stance throughout the essay. This can be achieved by using phrases like "While both systems have merits, I firmly believe…" at the beginning and reiterating this viewpoint in the conclusion.
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Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents some ideas, such as the benefits of a broad education in fostering critical thinking and creativity. However, these ideas are not sufficiently extended or supported with concrete examples. For instance, while the essay mentions activities like painting and music, it does not explain how these contribute to a student’s overall development or provide specific examples of how they can be beneficial in real-life scenarios.
- How to improve: To improve this aspect, the writer should elaborate on each point made. For example, when discussing critical thinking, they could provide examples of how a diverse education prepares students for complex problem-solving in various fields. Including statistics, studies, or real-world examples would also strengthen the arguments.
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Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, discussing the two educational systems and their benefits. However, there are moments where the focus shifts slightly, particularly when discussing the broader curriculum without adequately linking back to the comparison with the focused curriculum. This can detract from the overall coherence of the argument.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should ensure that each paragraph directly relates back to the prompt. This can be done by explicitly linking the benefits discussed to the question of which system is better. Using clear topic sentences that reflect the main idea of each paragraph can also help keep the essay on track.
Overall, to elevate the essay’s band score, the writer should aim to expand on their ideas, provide more detailed examples, maintain a consistent position, and ensure that all parts of the prompt are thoroughly addressed. Additionally, meeting the word count requirement is crucial, as being under word count can significantly impact the overall score.
Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 8
Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 8
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Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear structure, beginning with an introduction that outlines the two educational systems and the writer’s stance. Each paragraph effectively addresses a specific aspect of the argument, with the first paragraph discussing the benefits of focusing on specific subjects and the second paragraph advocating for a broader educational approach. The logical progression from one idea to the next is generally smooth, allowing the reader to follow the argument without confusion. For example, the transition from discussing the benefits of specialization to the advantages of a diversified curriculum is handled well.
- How to improve: To enhance the logical flow, the writer could include more explicit linking phrases between the two main points. For instance, after discussing the benefits of a focused curriculum, a transitional sentence could be added to indicate a shift in perspective, such as "However, this approach may overlook the broader benefits of a diverse education." This would help reinforce the contrast between the two systems and guide the reader more clearly through the argument.
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Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively uses paragraphs to separate different ideas, with each paragraph focusing on a distinct aspect of the topic. The introduction sets the stage, while the body paragraphs delve into the pros of each educational system. The conclusion succinctly summarizes the argument, reinforcing the writer’s position. The paragraphing is clear and aids in the readability of the essay.
- How to improve: While the paragraphs are well-structured, the writer could improve paragraph cohesion by ensuring that each paragraph begins with a clear topic sentence that encapsulates the main idea. For example, the first body paragraph could start with a sentence like, "One significant advantage of specializing in subjects early is the depth of knowledge students can achieve." This would provide a clearer focus for the paragraph and enhance the overall coherence.
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Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good use of cohesive devices, such as "On the one hand" and "On the other hand," which effectively signal contrasting points. Additionally, phrases like "for instance" and "firstly" help to introduce examples and points logically. However, the range of cohesive devices could be expanded to further enhance the essay’s fluidity.
- How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, the writer could incorporate more varied linking words and phrases. For example, instead of repeatedly using "firstly" and "secondly," alternatives such as "to begin with" and "in addition" could be employed. Furthermore, using conjunctions like "although" and "despite" could help in creating more complex sentences that connect ideas more intricately, thus improving the overall cohesion of the essay.
In summary, while the essay demonstrates strong coherence and cohesion, there are opportunities for improvement in logical transitions, paragraph topic clarity, and the variety of cohesive devices used. Addressing these areas will help elevate the essay’s overall clarity and effectiveness.
Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 8
Band Score for Lexical Resource: 8
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Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable range of vocabulary. Phrases such as "comprehensive education," "critical thinking," and "nurture students’ ability to express themselves" reflect a solid command of language. The use of terms like "extensive information" and "broader learning experience" effectively conveys complex ideas. However, there are moments where the vocabulary could be more varied. For instance, the repeated use of "subjects" could be substituted with synonyms like "disciplines" or "fields of study" to enhance lexical variety.
- How to improve: To further improve, the writer should strive to incorporate a wider array of synonyms and expressions. For example, instead of repeatedly using "subjects," they could use "academic disciplines" or "areas of study." Additionally, exploring more advanced vocabulary related to education, such as "curriculum" or "pedagogy," could elevate the essay’s lexical sophistication.
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Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally uses vocabulary precisely, with clear meanings that align well with the context. For instance, the phrase "deep understanding" accurately conveys the intended meaning of mastery in a subject. However, there are instances where the precision could be improved. The phrase "cover a lot of ground" is somewhat informal and could be replaced with a more academic expression like "achieve a comprehensive understanding."
- How to improve: To enhance precision, the writer should consider the context and audience when selecting vocabulary. Using more formal or academic language can improve the overall tone and clarity. For example, instead of saying "cover a lot of ground," the writer could say "achieve a thorough comprehension of the subject matter." This shift not only improves precision but also aligns better with the academic nature of the IELTS task.
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Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay displays a high level of spelling accuracy, with no noticeable errors. Words such as "education," "philosophy," and "creativity" are spelled correctly, demonstrating the writer’s attention to detail. The only minor issue is the phrase "makes students focus," which should be "make students focus" to agree with the plural subject "systems."
- How to improve: To maintain and enhance spelling accuracy, the writer should consistently proofread their work for grammatical agreement and spelling errors. Engaging in regular writing practice and utilizing tools like spell check can also be beneficial. Additionally, familiarizing oneself with commonly misspelled words in academic writing can further bolster spelling proficiency.
In summary, while the essay exhibits a strong command of lexical resource with a band score of 8, there are opportunities for improvement in vocabulary variety, precision, and spelling accuracy. By incorporating a broader range of vocabulary, opting for more precise language, and ensuring grammatical correctness, the writer can enhance their lexical resource even further.
Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 8
Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 8
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Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good variety of sentence structures. For example, the use of complex sentences is evident in phrases like “Although both systems have benefits, I believe that exposing students to a variety of subjects is more beneficial.” This showcases the writer’s ability to combine ideas effectively. Additionally, the essay employs conditional structures, such as “if students only study science and mathematics,” which adds depth to the argument. However, there are instances of simpler sentence constructions that could be enhanced for greater complexity, such as the repeated use of “students can” and “it is better for students to learn.”
- How to improve: To diversify sentence structures further, the writer could incorporate more compound-complex sentences and varied introductory clauses. For instance, instead of starting multiple sentences with “students,” consider using participial phrases or adverbial clauses to vary the rhythm and flow. An example could be: “By focusing on specific subjects, students can delve deeper into their chosen fields, thereby enhancing their expertise.”
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Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains a high level of grammatical accuracy, with only a few minor errors. For instance, the phrase “some education systems makes students focus” contains a subject-verb agreement error; it should be “make” instead of “makes.” Additionally, punctuation is mostly correct, although there are opportunities to enhance clarity, such as the use of commas in complex sentences. For example, in “For instance, if students only study science and mathematics, they can fully dedicate their time,” the punctuation is correctly applied, aiding readability.
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should carefully proofread for subject-verb agreement and ensure that singular/plural forms are consistent throughout the essay. Furthermore, practicing the use of commas in complex sentences can enhance clarity. For example, consider revising sentences to include additional commas where necessary to separate clauses effectively, such as: “Although both systems have benefits, I believe that exposing students to a variety of subjects is more beneficial.” This can help in avoiding run-on sentences and ensuring that each part of the sentence is easily digestible.
Overall, the essay reflects a strong command of grammatical range and accuracy, with minor areas for improvement that could elevate the writing to an even higher standard.
Bài sửa mẫu
Education systems vary worldwide; some **direct students to specialize** in specific subjects **by the age of 15**, while others promote a broader learning experience until graduation. Although both systems have benefits, I believe that exposing students to a variety of subjects is **more beneficial for students to study**.
On the one hand, students can **cover a wide range of material** in certain academic areas if they focus on them by the time they are fifteen years old. For instance, if students only study science and mathematics, they can **fully allocate their time** to these areas, **covering a comprehensive range of information** and gaining a deep understanding. This approach can **better equip them for careers** in related fields after school, as they can readily apply the knowledge they have acquired.
On the other hand, I believe it is better for students to learn a broad range of subjects throughout school. Firstly, a comprehensive education equips students for life by **encouraging them to investigate** various subjects such as philosophy, literature, and history, which can **stimulate interest** in multiple fields. Secondly, studying diverse subjects helps them develop critical thinking, creativity, and imagination. **Activities such as painting, playing a musical instrument, or participating in a choir** can **foster students’ ability to express themselves**.
In conclusion, while focusing on a few subjects might prepare students for certain careers, a broader curriculum better prepares them for life by cultivating a more well-rounded skill set.