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Some feel the best way for children is to be strict while others allow their children more freedom. Discuss both sides and give your own opinion

Some feel the best way for children is to be strict while others allow their children more freedom. Discuss both sides and give your own opinion

It is sometimes argued that children should be given more freedom to develop personal identity and life skills. In my opinion, I suppose that both ways also have their benefits. Therefore, this essay will examine both views.

On the one hand, children who are taught strictly can become disciplined and more responsible. they will obey the rules, structure, and routine such as study times, chores, and bedtime. Moreover, strictly parents usually impose on their children to achieve high study achievements, the children can be pressured to get a high performance at school. Thus, it creates a stressful and anxious environment for their children. Sometimes, this could lead to poor motivation and even bad behaviors.

On the other hand, allowing freedom also prevents some advantages. Children who are given more freedom can be more confident because they can make decisions by themselves. Therefore,it will be more comfortable for them to express their individual style and taste through the way they dress and it’s easier to share their hobbies with their parents. Moreover, it also develops their creativity and problem-solving skills. However, giving more freedom leads to a lack of time management skills and responsibility in completing tasks. It is difficult for them to set goals or schedule to do homework and chores so it also can lead to lower academic achievement.

To conclude, I think that both views also have their own benefits but I strongly believe that parents should find a balanced way, each of the children needs a teaching way that suits their personality and age.


Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

  1. "It is sometimes argued that" -> "It is often contended that"
    Explanation: "It is often contended that" is a more formal and precise phrase that enhances the academic tone of the introduction, indicating a common perspective in the discussion.

  2. "In my opinion, I suppose that" -> "I contend that"
    Explanation: "I contend that" is a more direct and assertive expression, which is more suitable for academic writing, eliminating the redundancy of "In my opinion, I suppose that" which is informal and vague.

  3. "both ways also have their benefits" -> "both approaches also offer benefits"
    Explanation: "Approaches" is a more precise term than "ways" in this context, referring specifically to methods or strategies, which is more appropriate for discussing educational practices.

  4. "children who are taught strictly" -> "children who are strictly disciplined"
    Explanation: "Strictly disciplined" is a more precise and formal way to describe the type of upbringing, emphasizing the level of discipline rather than the method of teaching.

  5. "they will obey the rules, structure, and routine" -> "they will adhere to the rules, structure, and routine"
    Explanation: "Adhere to" is a more formal synonym for "obey," which is more suitable for academic writing, enhancing the formality of the sentence.

  6. "strictly parents usually impose on their children" -> "strict parents typically impose their expectations on their children"
    Explanation: "Strict parents typically impose their expectations" clarifies that it is the parents’ expectations that are being imposed, rather than the parents themselves, which is more accurate and formal.

  7. "the children can be pressured to get a high performance at school" -> "children may feel pressured to achieve high academic performance"
    Explanation: "May feel pressured to achieve high academic performance" is more precise and formal, specifying the type of performance and the emotional impact on the children.

  8. "Sometimes, this could lead to poor motivation and even bad behaviors" -> "This may lead to decreased motivation and potentially undesirable behaviors"
    Explanation: "May lead to decreased motivation and potentially undesirable behaviors" uses more precise language and avoids the informal tone of "bad behaviors," which is too vague and colloquial for academic writing.

  9. "allowing freedom also prevents some advantages" -> "granting freedom also offers certain advantages"
    Explanation: "Granting freedom also offers certain advantages" corrects the awkward phrasing and uses more formal vocabulary, enhancing the clarity and formality of the sentence.

  10. "Children who are given more freedom can be more confident" -> "Children granted greater freedom may become more confident"
    Explanation: "Children granted greater freedom may become more confident" uses more formal language and avoids the passive construction "can be," which is less direct and less formal.

  11. "Therefore,it will be more comfortable for them" -> "Therefore, it will be more comfortable for them"
    Explanation: Corrects a typographical error, ensuring proper punctuation and maintaining the formal tone of the essay.

  12. "it’s easier to share their hobbies with their parents" -> "it is easier for them to share their hobbies with their parents"
    Explanation: "It is easier for them" corrects the contraction "it’s" to "it is" for formal writing, and specifies the subject of the sentence, enhancing clarity and formality.

  13. "It is difficult for them to set goals or schedule to do homework and chores" -> "It is challenging for them to set goals and schedules for completing homework and chores"
    Explanation: "It is challenging for them to set goals and schedules for completing homework and chores" uses more precise language and corrects the awkward phrasing, improving the formal tone and clarity of the sentence.

  14. "I think that both views also have their own benefits" -> "I believe that both perspectives also offer their own benefits"
    Explanation: "I believe that both perspectives also offer their own benefits" uses more formal vocabulary ("believe" instead of "think") and "perspectives" instead of "views," which is more appropriate for academic discussions about complex ideas.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Task Response: 7

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay addresses both sides of the argument regarding strict parenting versus allowing children more freedom. The first body paragraph discusses the benefits of strict parenting, such as discipline and responsibility, while the second body paragraph outlines the advantages of freedom, including confidence and creativity. However, the essay could improve by explicitly stating the disadvantages of both approaches, which would provide a more balanced view. For instance, while the essay mentions the potential stress from strict parenting, it could also elaborate on the negative aspects of too much freedom, such as lack of structure.
    • How to improve: To comprehensively address all elements of the question, the writer should ensure that both advantages and disadvantages are clearly articulated for each viewpoint. Including specific examples or scenarios could enhance the depth of the discussion.
  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The writer expresses a personal opinion that a balanced approach is best, which is a clear position. However, the phrasing "I suppose that both ways also have their benefits" could be more assertive. The conclusion reiterates the need for balance, but the position could be more strongly emphasized throughout the essay, particularly in the introduction and the conclusion.
    • How to improve: To maintain a clear and consistent position, the writer should use more definitive language when stating their opinion. Phrases like "I believe" or "I strongly argue" can help convey confidence in the position. Additionally, reinforcing the main argument in each paragraph can help maintain focus.
  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas regarding both parenting styles, but the development of these ideas lacks depth. For example, while the benefits of strict parenting are mentioned, the essay could provide specific examples or research to support these claims. Similarly, the discussion of freedom could benefit from more elaboration on how it fosters creativity and problem-solving skills.
    • How to improve: To effectively present, extend, and support ideas, the writer should include specific examples, anecdotes, or studies that illustrate the points made. This could involve discussing real-life situations or referencing psychological studies that support the claims about the effects of parenting styles on children.
  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, discussing the prompt’s themes of strictness and freedom in parenting. However, there are moments where the focus could be sharper, such as when discussing the negative consequences of each approach. The phrase "it also can lead to lower academic achievement" is somewhat vague and could be more directly tied to the topic of freedom.
    • How to improve: To maintain focus and relevance, the writer should ensure that every point made directly relates back to the question. Avoiding vague statements and instead providing concrete examples or clearer connections to the topic will help keep the essay on track.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents a balanced view, it could benefit from deeper analysis, clearer articulation of the writer’s position, and more specific examples to support the arguments made.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear structure with an introduction, two body paragraphs discussing both sides of the argument, and a conclusion. The introduction effectively outlines the topic and states the writer’s opinion. However, the logical flow within the body paragraphs could be improved. For instance, the transition between discussing the benefits of strict parenting and the drawbacks of freedom is somewhat abrupt. The first body paragraph discusses the advantages of strict parenting but does not clearly connect to the disadvantages of this approach, which are mentioned later in the second paragraph.
    • How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider using clearer topic sentences that outline the main idea of each paragraph. Additionally, incorporating transitional phrases such as "In contrast" or "On the other hand" at the beginning of the second body paragraph can help signal a shift in focus and improve the overall flow of ideas.
  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs effectively, with each paragraph focusing on a specific aspect of the discussion. However, the first body paragraph lacks a clear concluding sentence that summarizes the points made about strict parenting. This can leave the reader without a clear understanding of the paragraph’s main takeaway. The second body paragraph does a better job of summarizing the benefits of freedom but could also benefit from a more structured approach.
    • How to improve: Ensure that each body paragraph begins with a clear topic sentence and ends with a concluding sentence that encapsulates the main points discussed. This will reinforce the main ideas and provide a clearer structure. For example, after discussing the advantages of strict parenting, a sentence like "In summary, while strict parenting can instill discipline, it may also create undue stress for children" would strengthen the paragraph.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates some use of cohesive devices, such as "On the one hand" and "On the other hand," which effectively signal the contrasting viewpoints. However, there are instances where the use of cohesive devices is limited or repetitive. For example, the phrase "Moreover" is used in both paragraphs, which can make the writing feel less varied. Additionally, the essay lacks some linking words that could enhance the connections between ideas, such as "Furthermore," "Consequently," or "As a result."
    • How to improve: To diversify the range of cohesive devices, practice using synonyms and varying the structure of sentences. Incorporating a wider variety of linking words will help create smoother transitions between ideas and enhance the overall coherence of the essay. For instance, instead of repeating "Moreover," consider using "Additionally" or "In addition" to introduce new points.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents coherent arguments, improvements in logical organization, paragraph structure, and the use of cohesive devices will help elevate the overall quality and coherence of the writing.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, with words such as "disciplined," "responsible," "creativity," and "individual style." However, the vocabulary is somewhat limited in variety and depth. For instance, phrases like "high study achievements" and "high performance at school" could be expressed more diversely, perhaps using synonyms or related terms to enhance the richness of the language.
    • How to improve: To improve vocabulary range, the writer should consider incorporating synonyms and more varied expressions. For example, instead of repeating "high performance," they could use "academic excellence" or "top grades." Additionally, using phrases like "structured environment" or "autonomy" could add depth to the discussion of strictness versus freedom.
  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay contains instances of imprecise vocabulary usage. For example, the phrase "strictly parents" is awkward and should be "strict parents." Additionally, the term "achievements" in "high study achievements" is vague; it could be more precise by specifying "academic achievements." The phrase "giving more freedom leads to a lack of time management skills" could also be clearer if rephrased to indicate that too much freedom can hinder the development of these skills.
    • How to improve: To enhance precision, the writer should focus on clarity and correctness in word choice. They could revise sentences to ensure that the subject and modifiers are correctly placed. For instance, changing "strictly parents" to "strict parents" and rephrasing "giving more freedom leads to a lack of time management skills" to "excessive freedom can hinder the development of time management skills" would improve clarity.
  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay contains a few spelling errors, such as "they" at the beginning of a sentence, which should be capitalized as "They." Additionally, "study achievements" could be more accurately spelled as "academic achievements," although this is more of a phrase choice than a spelling error. However, the overall spelling is generally accurate, with no significant errors that impede understanding.
    • How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, the writer should proofread their work carefully to catch capitalization errors and ensure that all words are spelled correctly. Utilizing tools such as spell checkers or writing software can also help identify mistakes. Practicing spelling common academic vocabulary can further enhance their writing accuracy.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents both sides of the argument, improvements in vocabulary range, precision, and spelling will help elevate the Lexical Resource score.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good variety of sentence structures, including complex sentences and conditional clauses. For example, phrases like "children who are taught strictly can become disciplined" and "allowing freedom also prevents some advantages" show an attempt to use different grammatical forms. However, there are instances of repetitive structures, particularly in the way ideas are introduced and developed, which can make the writing feel less dynamic.
    • How to improve: To enhance the variety of sentence structures, the writer could incorporate more complex sentences and varied introductory phrases. For instance, using participial phrases (e.g., "Having been taught strictly, children may…") or starting sentences with adverbial clauses (e.g., "Although strict parenting has its benefits, it can also…") would diversify the sentence openings and improve the overall flow of the essay.
  • Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical errors and punctuation issues that detract from clarity. For instance, "they will obey the rules, structure, and routine such as study times, chores, and bedtime" lacks a clear subject, leading to ambiguity. Additionally, "strictly parents usually impose on their children" should be "strict parents usually impose on their children." Punctuation errors are also present, such as missing commas after transitional phrases (e.g., "Therefore, this essay will examine both views") and inconsistent capitalization (e.g., "they" should be capitalized at the beginning of a sentence).
    • How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should carefully proofread the essay to catch errors in subject-verb agreement and sentence structure. Practicing sentence combining and restructuring exercises can help in understanding how to form clearer and more grammatically correct sentences. Additionally, focusing on punctuation rules, particularly regarding commas and sentence beginnings, will enhance the overall readability of the essay. Using tools like grammar checkers or seeking feedback from peers can also be beneficial in identifying and correcting mistakes.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents a balanced view, focusing on diversifying sentence structures and improving grammatical accuracy will help elevate the writing to a higher band score.

Bài sửa mẫu

It is sometimes argued that children should be given more freedom to develop personal identity and life skills. In my opinion, I contend that both approaches also offer benefits. Therefore, this essay will examine both views.

On the one hand, children who are taught strictly can become disciplined and more responsible. They will adhere to the rules, structure, and routine, such as study times, chores, and bedtime. Moreover, strict parents typically impose their expectations on their children to achieve high academic performance, which can pressure the children to perform well in school. Thus, it creates a stressful and anxious environment for them. Sometimes, this may lead to decreased motivation and potentially undesirable behaviors.

On the other hand, granting freedom also offers certain advantages. Children who are given more freedom may become more confident because they can make decisions by themselves. Therefore, it will be more comfortable for them to express their individual style and taste through the way they dress, and it is easier for them to share their hobbies with their parents. Moreover, it also develops their creativity and problem-solving skills. However, giving more freedom can lead to a lack of time management skills and responsibility in completing tasks. It is challenging for them to set goals or schedules for doing homework and chores, so it can also lead to lower academic achievement.

To conclude, I believe that both perspectives also offer their own benefits, but I strongly believe that parents should find a balanced approach. Each child needs a teaching method that suits their personality and age.

Bài viết liên quan

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