Some people believe that Money can buy us happiness. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

It is often contended that money can buy happiness. I agree with this idea for several reasons, which will be discussed in the following essay. In this essay, I will argue that money can enhance the quality of people’s lives ,avoid debt.

Money can enhance the quality of people’s lives for several reasons. Firstly, we can use money to buy necessary items such as food, water. These items help us with life-support. So it is a basic demand of people. Second, it can be used to solve health care, education or entertainment. For instance, we will be able to use money to buy medicine when we get sick.

In other words, money not only impacts people's quality lives but also helps people avoid debt. When we do not have money, we will not be able to accept the demand of people's living needs. For example, if everyone does not have money, they will not buy basic items. This will be a problem to affect debt.

In conclusion, money is very important to everyone's lives. It helps us to improve the quality of people’s lives and avoid problems about debt.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"It is often contended that money can buy happiness." -> "It is frequently argued that money can purchase happiness."
Explanation: Replacing "contended" with "argued" and "buy" with "purchase" refines the academic tone and aligns with more formal language usage.
"I agree with this idea for several reasons, which will be discussed in the following essay." -> "This essay will explore several reasons why I concur with the notion that money can purchase happiness."
Explanation: The revised phrase "This essay will explore" is more formal and precise, and "concur with the notion" is a more academic expression than "agree with this idea."
"money can enhance the quality of people’s lives,avoid debt." -> "money can improve the quality of people’s lives and mitigate debt."
Explanation: "Enhance" is a more precise term than "improve" in this context, and "mitigate" is a more formal synonym for "avoid" when discussing financial issues.
"we can use money to buy necessary items such as food, water." -> "money can be used to acquire essential items such as food and water."
Explanation: "Acquire" is more formal than "buy," and "essential" is more precise than "necessary" in this context.
"help us with life-support." -> "support our basic needs."
Explanation: "Support our basic needs" is a clearer and more formal way to express the idea that money helps with fundamental necessities.
"it can be used to solve health care, education or entertainment." -> "it can be utilized for healthcare, education, and entertainment."
Explanation: "Utilized" is more formal than "used," and the addition of commas after "healthcare" and "education" improves the sentence structure.
"we will be able to use money to buy medicine when we get sick." -> "we can utilize funds to purchase medication when we fall ill."
Explanation: "Utilize funds" and "purchase medication" are more precise and formal, and "fall ill" is a more academic phrase than "get sick."
"money not only impacts people’s quality lives but also helps people avoid debt." -> "money not only affects the quality of people’s lives but also assists in avoiding debt."
Explanation: "Affects" is more precise than "impacts," and "assists in avoiding" is a more formal way to express the help money provides in avoiding debt.
"When we do not have money, we will not be able to accept the demand of people’s living needs." -> "Without funds, we cannot meet the basic needs of living."
Explanation: "Without funds" is more concise and formal, and "meet the basic needs of living" is a clearer and more academic expression.
"This will be a problem to affect debt." -> "This could lead to debt issues."
Explanation: "Could lead to debt issues" is a clearer and more formal way to express the potential consequences of not having money.
"money is very important to everyone’s lives." -> "money is crucial to everyone’s lives."
Explanation: "Crucial" is a more formal and precise adjective than "very important" in academic writing.
"It helps us to improve the quality of people’s lives and avoid problems about debt." -> "It enables us to enhance the quality of life and mitigate debt-related issues."
Explanation: "Enables" and "enhance" are more formal, and "mitigate debt-related issues" is a more precise and formal way to discuss the avoidance of debt.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Task Response: 5 – UNDER WORD

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay addresses the prompt by stating an agreement with the idea that money can buy happiness. However, it does not fully explore the extent of this agreement, which is crucial for a comprehensive response. The essay mentions that money enhances quality of life and helps avoid debt, but it lacks a nuanced discussion of the limitations of money in contributing to happiness. For example, it could have acknowledged that happiness can also come from non-material aspects of life, such as relationships and personal fulfillment.
- How to improve: To better address all parts of the question, the essay should clearly state the extent of agreement or disagreement. This could involve discussing both sides of the argument—how money can contribute to happiness and the ways in which it might not be sufficient for true happiness. Including counterarguments and acknowledging the complexity of the issue would strengthen the response.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The position that money can buy happiness is stated at the beginning, but the essay lacks consistency in reinforcing this stance throughout. The examples provided, while relevant, do not strongly support the claim that money directly leads to happiness. The phrases used, such as "money not only impacts people’s quality lives," could confuse readers about the main argument.
- How to improve: To maintain a clear position, the essay should consistently link back to the main argument in each paragraph. Using topic sentences that reflect the thesis and summarizing how each point relates to the idea of money buying happiness would help clarify the position. Additionally, avoiding vague language and ensuring that each example directly supports the thesis would enhance clarity.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents some ideas, such as the necessity of money for basic needs and healthcare, but these ideas are not fully developed or supported with adequate examples. The reasoning feels underexplored, and the connections between money and happiness are not convincingly articulated. For instance, the mention of avoiding debt is relevant but lacks a clear link to how this avoidance directly contributes to happiness.
- How to improve: To improve the presentation and support of ideas, the essay should include more detailed explanations and examples. Each point should be elaborated upon with specific instances or studies that illustrate how money contributes to happiness. Additionally, integrating personal anecdotes or hypothetical scenarios could make the argument more relatable and persuasive.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, discussing the relationship between money and happiness. However, the focus is somewhat diluted by the lack of depth in the arguments presented. The mention of avoiding debt, while relevant, could be better integrated into the overall argument about happiness.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, the essay should ensure that every point made directly ties back to the central thesis regarding money and happiness. Avoid introducing ideas that do not clearly contribute to the argument, and instead, expand on the existing points to provide a more thorough exploration of the topic.

Overall, to improve the essay and potentially raise the band score, the writer should aim for a more comprehensive exploration of the topic, ensuring that all parts of the question are addressed, maintaining a clear and consistent position, and providing well-supported and developed ideas.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear stance on the topic, asserting that money can buy happiness. The introduction outlines the main points that will be discussed, which is a strong start. However, the organization within the body paragraphs could be improved. For instance, the transition from discussing the enhancement of quality of life to avoiding debt feels abrupt. The ideas are somewhat related but could benefit from clearer connections. The essay lacks a strong concluding statement that encapsulates the argument effectively.
- How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider using clearer topic sentences for each paragraph that directly relate back to the thesis. Additionally, ensure that each point logically leads to the next. For example, after discussing how money improves quality of life, explicitly link this to how it helps avoid debt by stating that financial stability allows for better management of living expenses.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs, which is essential for clarity. However, the structure within the paragraphs could be more effective. The first body paragraph introduces two main ideas but does not clearly separate them, making it difficult for the reader to follow. The second body paragraph also lacks a clear structure, as it introduces the concept of debt without a strong connection to the previous point about quality of life.
- How to improve: To improve paragraphing, ensure that each paragraph focuses on a single main idea. Start with a clear topic sentence, followed by supporting details. For instance, the first paragraph could be split into two: one focusing solely on the enhancement of quality of life through basic needs and the other on health care and education. This would provide clearer focus and improve readability.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "Firstly," "Secondly," and "In conclusion," which help in guiding the reader through the argument. However, the use of cohesive devices is somewhat limited, and the transitions between ideas could be smoother. For example, phrases like "In other words" are used, but they do not effectively connect the ideas presented.
- How to improve: To diversify and effectively use cohesive devices, incorporate a wider range of linking words and phrases. For instance, use "Moreover," "Additionally," or "Furthermore" to add information and "On the other hand" to present contrasting ideas. Additionally, ensure that each cohesive device used clearly connects the ideas in a meaningful way, enhancing the overall flow of the essay.

By addressing these areas for improvement, the essay can achieve a higher level of coherence and cohesion, ultimately leading to a stronger overall score.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, particularly in discussing the role of money in enhancing quality of life. Phrases like "enhance the quality of people’s lives" and "necessary items such as food, water" show an attempt to use varied vocabulary. However, the essay relies heavily on basic terms and phrases, which limits its lexical richness. For example, the repeated use of "money" and "people’s lives" could be diversified with synonyms or related terms to demonstrate a broader vocabulary range.
- How to improve: To enhance vocabulary range, the writer should incorporate synonyms and more sophisticated expressions. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "money," alternatives like "financial resources," "wealth," or "capital" could be employed. Additionally, using phrases like "standard of living" or "well-being" instead of "quality of life" would add variety.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains instances of imprecise vocabulary usage. For example, the phrase "accept the demand of people’s living needs" is unclear and awkwardly constructed. The term "demand" in this context does not accurately convey the intended meaning. Furthermore, the phrase "problems about debt" could be more effectively expressed as "issues related to debt" or "debt-related problems."
- How to improve: To improve precision, the writer should focus on clarity and appropriateness of word choice. Reviewing vocabulary in context and ensuring that terms accurately reflect the intended meaning will help. For instance, rephrasing sentences to eliminate ambiguity and using more specific terms will enhance clarity.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally demonstrates good spelling, with only a few minor errors, such as "health care" (should be "healthcare") and "avoid debt" (which could be more clearly stated as "avoid falling into debt"). However, the phrase "the demand of people’s living needs" contains awkward phrasing that may lead to confusion, even if the individual words are spelled correctly.
- How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, the writer should engage in regular practice, such as using spelling apps or tools, and proofreading their work before submission. Additionally, focusing on commonly misspelled words and understanding the correct forms of compound nouns (like "healthcare") will be beneficial.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a foundational understanding of vocabulary, there is significant room for improvement in range, precision, and spelling. By diversifying vocabulary, ensuring precise word choice, and maintaining spelling accuracy, the writer can enhance their lexical resource score in future essays.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of sentence structures. Most sentences are simple or compound, lacking complexity. For instance, the sentence "Money can enhance the quality of people’s lives for several reasons" is straightforward but does not incorporate any subordinate clauses or varied constructions that could enrich the writing. The use of phrases like "Firstly" and "Secondly" indicates an attempt at organization but does not contribute to structural variety. Additionally, the sentence "In other words, money not only impacts people’s quality lives but also helps people avoid debt" attempts to use a correlative structure but is somewhat awkwardly phrased.
- How to improve: To enhance the variety of sentence structures, consider incorporating complex sentences that include dependent clauses. For example, instead of saying "Money can enhance the quality of people’s lives for several reasons," you could say, "Although some argue that happiness is derived from non-materialistic pursuits, I believe that money significantly enhances the quality of people’s lives by providing essential resources." This not only adds complexity but also demonstrates a more sophisticated command of language.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical errors and punctuation issues that detract from clarity. For example, the phrase "to buy necessary items such as food, water" is missing a conjunction, which should read "such as food and water." Additionally, the sentence "So it is a basic demand of people" is somewhat informal and could be better integrated into the preceding sentence for smoother flow. There are also instances of awkward phrasing, such as "this will be a problem to affect debt," which is unclear and could be rephrased for better understanding.
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, it is essential to proofread the essay carefully, focusing on conjunctions and the correct use of articles. For instance, instead of saying "the quality of people’s lives," it could be more precise to say "the quality of life for individuals." Additionally, practicing the use of punctuation, particularly in complex sentences, can help clarify meaning. Consider revising sentences to ensure they are complete and logically connected, which will enhance overall coherence.

In summary, while the essay presents a clear argument, enhancing the variety of sentence structures and improving grammatical accuracy will significantly elevate the overall quality of the writing. Engaging with more complex sentence forms and refining grammatical precision will help achieve a higher band score in the IELTS assessment.

Bài sửa mẫu

Money can enhance the quality of people’s lives for several reasons. Firstly, we can use money to buy necessary items such as food and water. These items help us with life support, so they are basic demands of people. Secondly, it can be used to address healthcare, education, or entertainment. For instance, we will be able to use money to buy medicine when we get sick.

In other words, money not only impacts people’s quality of life but also helps people avoid debt. When we do not have money, we will not be able to meet the demands of people’s living needs. For example, if everyone does not have money, they will not be able to buy basic items. This will create problems that can lead to debt.

In conclusion, money is very important to everyone’s lives. It helps us improve the quality of people’s lives and avoid problems related to debt.