Some people believe that professional athletes serve as positive role models for young people, while others argue that their behavior both on and off the field has a negative influence. Discuss both sides and give your opinion.
People have different views about whether athletes act as good role models for youngsters or not. In my point of view, I believe that athletes do play an important role in teenager’s life.
On the one hand, some sports professionals could miss behaved in their personal life such as O.J.Simpson and Michel Philps. They committed crimes and have a history of drug abuse. They may miss guiding the youngsters and pass to the youngsters a wrong massage that is okay to do so. Secondly, sports stars often earn huge salaries, these facts may lead teenagers to have an idea that being an athlete is more successful than being a good teacher or being a nurse, while teachers and nurses are providing more vital services for society. Finally, some activities related to sports are not decent, for example, some football hooligans smashed up the pub after the game.
On the other hand, however, I would argue that sportspeople could set an example to follow for the young. Sports players who win the game can encourage young students to face the fierce competition in their school. And at the same time, sports stars can help teenagers discover and develop their natural athletic talent, which is good for their future life and health. Successful athletes might trigger youngsters' interest in sport, and sports activities could foster team spirit. Learning teamwork is crucial for young folk. The most important thing that players could inspire youth is that they could help them develop a sense of good sportsmanship, which means they will behave fair and honest in both sports and other aspects.
In conclusion, although it is true that sportspeople sometimes are over-rated, I personally believe that sports players could become positive role models for the young crowd.
Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng
Errors and Improvements:
"miss behaved" -> "misbehaved"
Explanation: The term "miss behaved" is incorrect; it should be "misbehaved" for proper usage. The correction maintains formality and accuracy.
"Michel Philps" -> "Michael Phelps"
Explanation: Correcting the misspelling of the athlete’s name to "Michael Phelps" ensures accuracy and professionalism in referring to the sports professional.
"may miss guiding" -> "might misguide"
Explanation: The phrase "may miss guiding" is grammatically incorrect. Replacing it with "might misguide" improves the accuracy and formality of the sentence.
"a wrong massage" -> "an incorrect message"
Explanation: "Wrong massage" is a misuse, and the correct term is "incorrect message." This change enhances the precision of the expression while maintaining a formal tone.
"facts may lead" -> "this may lead"
Explanation: The term "facts" is not suitable in this context. Changing it to "this may lead" clarifies the cause-and-effect relationship more effectively.
"an idea that being an athlete is more successful" -> "the notion that success lies in being an athlete"
Explanation: The revised phrase provides a more sophisticated and formal expression of the idea, avoiding ambiguity and enhancing the clarity of the sentence.
"a good teacher or being a nurse" -> "a skilled teacher or a dedicated nurse"
Explanation: Adding descriptors like "skilled" and "dedicated" elevates the language, emphasizing the positive attributes of teachers and nurses.
"for example, some football hooligans smashed up the pub" -> "for instance, certain football hooligans vandalized a pub"
Explanation: The replacement enhances formality by using "for instance" and provides a more precise description of the incident with "vandalized."
"I would argue" -> "I contend"
Explanation: "I would argue" is slightly less formal. Replacing it with "I contend" maintains formality and academic style.
"young students" -> "youngsters"
Explanation: Using "youngsters" instead of "young students" is more inclusive and appropriate for a broader age range, aligning with the context.
"fierce competition in their school" -> "intense competition within their academic environment"
Explanation: The phrase "fierce competition in their school" is refined to "intense competition within their academic environment" for a more academic and precise expression.
"foster team spirit" -> "cultivate a sense of teamwork"
Explanation: The replacement provides a more formal and nuanced expression of the idea, emphasizing the development of teamwork skills.
"Learning teamwork is crucial for young folk" -> "Acquiring teamwork skills is crucial for the youth"
Explanation: The alternative phrase maintains formality while enhancing the clarity and precision of the statement.
"inspire youth" -> "inspire the youth"
Explanation: Adding the article "the" before "youth" improves grammatical correctness and formality in the expression.
"sense of good sportsmanship" -> "sense of sportsmanship"
Explanation: "Good sportsmanship" is a commonly used term; the revision simplifies the expression without sacrificing clarity or formality.
"although it is true that sportspeople sometimes are over-rated" -> "while it is true that sportspeople are occasionally overrated"
Explanation: The revised sentence offers a more structured and formal expression of the acknowledgment.
Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8
Band Score for Task Response: 8
Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay provides a well-rounded response to the prompt, addressing both sides of the argument as required. The introduction clearly states the writer’s opinion, and the body paragraphs thoroughly explore both positive and negative aspects of athletes as role models.
- How to improve: While the essay effectively addresses all parts of the question, enhancing the introduction by briefly outlining the main points to be discussed could enhance clarity.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The writer maintains a consistent position throughout the essay, asserting a belief in the positive role of athletes as role models. Each paragraph is focused on supporting this stance.
- How to improve: The clarity of the position could be further emphasized by explicitly restating the writer’s opinion in the conclusion, reinforcing the central theme of the essay.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents, extends, and supports ideas effectively. Examples are provided to illustrate both positive and negative influences of athletes on young people, demonstrating a well-developed argument.
- How to improve: To further enhance the essay, consider providing more specific examples and elaborating on how sports stars can help teenagers discover and develop their natural athletic talent.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay largely stays on topic, discussing the impact of athletes on young people as role models. However, there are some instances where the discussion veers slightly off track, such as mentioning the salaries of athletes and football hooliganism.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, eliminate tangential details and concentrate solely on the influence of athletes on young people, ensuring every point made directly relates to the essay prompt.
In conclusion, the essay effectively addresses the prompt, presenting a balanced discussion and a clear stance on the influence of professional athletes as role models. To enhance overall coherence, the writer may consider refining the introduction, reinforcing the central position in the conclusion, and maintaining a more consistent focus on the main topic throughout.
Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7
Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a clear overall structure. The introduction provides an overview of the two perspectives, and each body paragraph presents a distinct viewpoint. However, within paragraphs, there is room for improvement in logical sequencing. For instance, the second paragraph mentions negative behaviors of athletes without a smooth transition from the introduction. The essay could benefit from a more seamless flow between ideas, creating a smoother progression.
- How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider using transitional phrases between sentences and paragraphs. Ensure a clear and logical sequence of ideas within each paragraph, allowing the reader to follow the argument more effortlessly.
- Detailed explanation: The essay utilizes paragraphs effectively to address different aspects of the argument. However, some paragraphs could be more focused and coherent. For instance, the second paragraph covers various negative behaviors of athletes without a clear separation between the examples. A more structured approach, dedicating each paragraph to a specific aspect, would improve the overall readability.
- How to improve: Aim for greater coherence within paragraphs by focusing on one idea or example per paragraph. Clearly establish the main point at the beginning of each paragraph and use supporting details to reinforce that point.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs cohesive devices, such as transition words (e.g., "On the one hand," "On the other hand," "In conclusion"), to connect ideas and indicate shifts between perspectives. However, there’s room for improvement in the variety and strategic use of cohesive devices. Some transitions could be more nuanced, contributing to a more sophisticated flow.
- How to improve: Diversify the range of cohesive devices used. Incorporate a mix of conjunctions, adverbs, and pronouns to establish connections between sentences and paragraphs more fluidly. This will contribute to a more polished and cohesive presentation of ideas.
Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6
Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary, with some repetition of terms and a reliance on general language. While the candidate uses words like "miss behaved" and "miss guiding," there is room for improvement in incorporating more precise and varied vocabulary to enhance the overall lexical richness of the essay.
- How to improve: To expand your vocabulary, consider using synonyms and exploring more nuanced terms. For instance, instead of repeating "miss behaved," you could use "misbehaved" or "exhibited inappropriate conduct." Aim to incorporate domain-specific vocabulary related to sports, role models, and societal impact to convey a more sophisticated understanding of the topic.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay at times employs imprecise language, such as "miss behaved" and "miss guiding." Additionally, there are instances where words could be more carefully chosen to convey ideas more precisely. For example, when discussing the negative actions of athletes, the term "miss behaved" lacks precision and could be replaced with a more accurate term like "misbehaved" or "engaged in misconduct."
- How to improve: Pay close attention to the specific meanings of words and use them accurately. Consider consulting a thesaurus to identify more precise alternatives for common terms. This will not only enhance the clarity of your writing but also contribute to a more polished and professional tone.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits several instances of misspelled words, such as "miss behaved" instead of "misbehaved" and "Michel Philps" instead of "Michael Phelps." These spelling errors can detract from the overall quality of the essay.
- How to improve: Regularly proofread your work to identify and correct spelling errors. Utilize spell-check tools available in word processing software to catch common mistakes. Additionally, familiarize yourself with the correct spelling of names, especially when referencing well-known figures. This attention to detail will contribute to a more polished and professional presentation of your ideas.
Overall, while the essay demonstrates a reasonable level of lexical resource, enhancing vocabulary range, precision, and spelling accuracy will significantly elevate the quality of your writing and contribute to a more impactful expression of your ideas.
Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7
Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonably varied range of sentence structures. Simple and complex sentences are used, and there is an attempt to incorporate a variety of sentence beginnings. However, there is room for improvement in the diversity of structures. For instance, more complex compound sentences or a mix of compound-complex sentences could be employed to enhance fluency and sophistication.
- How to improve: To further enhance grammatical range and variety, consider incorporating complex compound sentences that involve multiple clauses. This could be achieved by combining related ideas in a single sentence. Additionally, pay attention to sentence beginnings; try utilizing introductory phrases or clauses to add variety to the structure.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains grammatical accuracy, with only minor errors. There is a notable instance of a tense inconsistency in the sentence "some sports professionals could miss behaved," where "miss" should be "misbehave." Punctuation is used correctly but could be refined for improved clarity, such as in the sentence "They committed crimes and have a history of drug abuse," where a semicolon or a conjunction would better connect the two independent clauses.
- How to improve: Pay careful attention to verb tense consistency to ensure coherence. In this case, it is crucial to use "misbehave" instead of "miss behaved." Additionally, consider refining punctuation usage for clearer expression. For instance, use a semicolon or conjunction to connect related independent clauses, as in "They committed crimes, and they have a history of drug abuse."
Overall, while the essay exhibits competence in grammatical range and accuracy, refining sentence structures and addressing minor errors would contribute to a more nuanced and polished presentation.
Bài sửa mẫu
People hold diverse opinions regarding whether professional athletes serve as positive role models for young people. In my perspective, I contend that athletes indeed play a significant role in the lives of teenagers.
On one hand, there are instances where certain sports professionals have misbehaved in their personal lives, as seen with figures like O.J. Simpson and Michael Phelps. These athletes, with a history of criminal activities and drug abuse, might misguide youngsters, sending an incorrect message that such behavior is acceptable. Moreover, the substantial salaries earned by sports stars could contribute to the notion that success primarily lies in being an athlete, potentially overshadowing the vital contributions made by professions like teaching or nursing. Additionally, some sports-related activities, such as football hooligans vandalizing a pub after a game, exemplify behaviors that are far from commendable.
On the other hand, I argue that athletes can serve as positive examples for the youth. Successful sports figures can inspire youngsters to face the intense competition within their academic environment, using the victories and defeats as valuable life lessons. Furthermore, these sports stars play a crucial role in helping teenagers identify and nurture their natural athletic talents, promoting a healthy and active lifestyle. Acquiring teamwork skills is crucial for the youth, and sports activities provide an avenue to cultivate a sense of teamwork and collaboration. Importantly, athletes have the capacity to inspire the youth by instilling a strong sense of sportsmanship, encouraging fair and honest behavior not only in sports but also in other aspects of life.
In conclusion, while it is true that sportspeople are occasionally overrated, I firmly believe that athletes have the potential to become positive role models for the young generation. Their achievements and conduct can inspire and shape the youth in a manner that fosters not only a love for sports but also essential values such as teamwork and sportsmanship.